Celia Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Some things in my marraige I can let slide, and I know he does the same. All in all, things are well. My husband is a great guy. BUT, there's things that are driving me nuts, and whenever I try to mention mention something about it, it doesn't go well at all! My two pet peeves are beer cans being left all over the place for me to clean up, and constantly leaving the kitchen a mess whenever he makes something for himself or others. But just in general, my darling husband leaves a trail behind him. Nothing gets put away when he's done with it, then he's always cranky when he can't find stuff. I know these are little things, but they just grate on me constantly! I feel disrespected by being treated like I'm the maid. I don't mind all the regular stuff that I feel are my duties in being a stay at home mom, but keeping this house somewhat clean and in order is an ongoing challenge with 3 young kids, and I'm tired of cleaning up after an adult too. It didn't used to bother me so much, because I wasn't so busy so it wasn't such a big deal. So, if you have a husband with these tendancies that you've dealt with, please please give me hints on how to go about it without causing tension! I don't like being that nagging wife, but being quiet and resentful isn't working for me either! :bigear: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Strawberry Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Clean it up with a cheerful heart, leave it where it lies or move it to a place where it won't bother you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 I think the way is to address things that are really important like that as systemic problems at calm times when you're not upset about it instead of in the moment when you're mad about it and it will come off as nagging. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evergreen State Sue Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 At a calm time (do you ever have a "business" meeting with him?) tell him what a great guy he is, but then explain the situation and ask him how he would like you to help remind him to pick things up. If he isn't open to this idea, then I'm afraid this is a habit he will not break and you will just have to love him through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 What happens if you just leave the beer cans where they are? Does he ever reach a point where he picks them up, or are they just sort of invisible to him? Did his mom always pick up after him when he was growing up? He may honestly "not see" the mess, or he sees it, but it doesn't dawn on him to pick up after himself. (I'm not saying it's OK for him to behave that way; I'm just saying that he may intend to do the right thing, but he really is just oblivious.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 I would suggest marriage counseling, but that didn't work in my case. Dh just doesn't think he needs to do certain things. No amount of talking it through, nagging, fighting, etc. has changed that. I thought going to a marriage counselor would make him see things differently. Nope. He just took what was said in one ear and out the other. So, here's my advice. Take it with a grain of salt. Or don't take it at all. Think about which is worse, cleaning up his beer cans and the rest of his annoying habits, or getting a divorce. Really. That's what I do on a regular basis. :tongue_smilie: So far, the divorce option isn't looking more appealing than just dealing with the nonsense. Although, yesterday, when I got an email from one of dh's secretaries that she had trouble ordering one of his prescriptions, I did fly off the handle a little bit. Usually, when dh is out of his meds, he puts the empty bottles in front of me and asks me to refill them. This past time, I told him I was too busy, and he needed to take the 5 mins. and call the number on the bottle himself. So, next thing I know, he's got his secretary doing it. :glare: In my 43 years of life, I've come to learn that the only person you can change is yourself. So, I don't think you need to learn to nag gently, you need to learn to deal with your situation as it currently exists. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Clean it up with a cheerful heart, leave it where it lies or move it to a place where it won't bother you. Yep! I just learned that DH just doesn't care about things being as clean as I do. The man can dump some chips on a plate and make the place look ransacked! IT's a gift I tell ya. DH has special skills in "other" areas and i just try to remind myself of those :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pegasus Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 I've come to learn that the only person you can change is yourself. :iagree: These are small things, not important in the big picture. The best advice that I heard was to forgive your spouse 5 annoying traits or habits. It's easy to forgive just 5 things, right? The real trick, though, is to not ever actually list those things. Whenever something rubs you the wrong way, simply say to yourself "That's just one of his/her 5 things." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 Yep! I just learned that DH just doesn't care about things being as clean as I do. The man can dump some chips on a plate and make the place look ransacked! IT's a gift I tell ya. DH has special skills in "other" areas and i just try to remind myself of those :D I knew before I married my husband that he was a slob. I made a conscious decision at that time that I would have to deal with his messiness and that I would never change him. Some days are easier than others. I do throw away the trash he leaves around. I keep his mail and other non-trash stuff he leaves around in a small pile on the kitchen table for him. Then when he doesn't deal with it, I move it to his office chair. Then, it's his problem. When we are having company I point out the things he needs to deal with. He does them cheerfully though always a little too close to the guest arrival time for my comfort. I'm learning to trust that he will move that stuff before the doorbell rings. My husband is about the best thing that's ever happened to me. I knew I'd made the right choice when our kids were little and I'd be upset that he was coming home to a messy house. He said "I'd rather walk into a mess and see you engaged with the kids than into a clean house with the kids in front of the tv." I try to remember that when I am frustrated because he left drywall tools or camping equipment in the living room. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I can't teach you to nag gently, but I can tell you what I did. I went on "strike" from being the maid for everyone. I didn't say anything, I just didn't DO much of anything either. ;) I still cleaned the toilets, and did laundry (only if it was in the hamper - so mostly just mine and DS's because DD is more of a dropper like DH) but I did not pick stuff up. Our house looked like an absolute disaster zone for awhile, but DH finally got the hint. Now...he's the one who does more of the day to day picking up and putting away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliums Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I would ask for help. From all the family members. Tell everyone that you feel as though cleaning up after their every mess is more than you should have to do. Maybe make little signs with basic rules. If you are trying to teach the same habits to your children, it might be easier to do it as a family. "Can everyone help me in picking up the _________________ (fill in the blank as needed)?" On weekends we often have a family cleaning time where everyone helps clean appliances, mop, vacuum, laundry etc. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I went on "strike" from being the maid for everyone. I didn't say anything, I just didn't DO much of anything either. ;) I still cleaned the toilets, and did laundry (only if it was in the hamper - so mostly just mine and DS's because DD is more of a dropper like DH) but I did not pick stuff up. This is what I would and have done as well. I only do laundry that is in the bin. I don't pick up any laundry even if it is on the floor by the bin. I'm not the maid. I don't clean up after anyone in the kitchen yet I also won't prepare meals in a dirty kitchen. ;) If the time comes for me to prepare a meal and the kitchen is a mess I go out to eat or sit down with a bowl of cereal. Not sure what I would do with beer cans being left out. I'm not a maid. My family knows that if they treat me as such then I charge...and I'm not cheap. So I guess my input goes quite against what most of the other ladies have suggested! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolkitty Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 as Dr Gary Chapman says... ask the guy what one thing you can do for him this week that he would appreciate.... then hubby will tell you... then you DO IT the BEST you can... then next week you come close to him and ask him what other One thing would help him the upcoming week, etc... you do this to the BEST you can , then one day, he's gonna ask you... hunny, what thing can I do for you? then you just say. Oh, hunny, I love you so much if you don't leave the beer cans out this week, I would really love that. CHOOSE ONE thing, then keep with your asking and then he will ask you.... be patient.... you are showing love, and respect and the dude will not know what hit him! He has a radio program and a website, you might want to browse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 Buy small mini trashcans, scatter around the known hot spots. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sara in AZ Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I knew before I married my husband that he was a slob. I made a conscious decision at that time that I would have to deal with his messiness and that I would never change him. Some days are easier than others. I do throw away the trash he leaves around. I keep his mail and other non-trash stuff he leaves around in a small pile on the kitchen table for him. Then when he doesn't deal with it, I move it to his office chair. Then, it's his problem. When we are having company I point out the things he needs to deal with. He does them cheerfully though always a little too close to the guest arrival time for my comfort. I'm learning to trust that he will move that stuff before the doorbell rings. My husband is about the best thing that's ever happened to me. I knew I'd made the right choice when our kids were little and I'd be upset that he was coming home to a messy house. He said "I'd rather walk into a mess and see you engaged with the kids than into a clean house with the kids in front of the tv." I try to remember that when I am frustrated because he left drywall tools or camping equipment in the living room. ;) Holy cow! I think we're married to the same guy. You have a great attitude about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherM2 Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 If he has a favorite chair I would put all the beer cans in his chair so he has to see them and deal with them before he can sit down. Then I would :001_smile: and say "Since you didn't throw them away I thought maybe you were saving them for something." I would also put a small garbage can near his chair or the tables that he leaves them on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celia Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 Thanks for the replies ladies! I actually have tried to handle this with humour at first... there's a lot of interesting things that can be done with beer cans that I've tried to prove my point! Beer can sculptures on his desk, I've hung them all over his motorcycle, even put them in his underwear drawer. I've put up signs in the trouble spots where they seem to pile (esp. by the kitchen sink) "No beer cans here". I've also spoken to him about it in seriousness as well. So he knows. Next I'm stuffing his pillowcase with the stinky things! He'll get better for the rest of the day, then we're back to it again. I'm going to try out a few of the suggestions that I've not yet tried. Already done the strike thing, and it got so gross I gave in and cleaned it eventually. But there's some ideas here I've not yet tried. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I would address this as 2 separate issues. The trail of dh, I suggest do what the others suggest and speak to him about it during a calm time but also just clean it up cheerfully. The beer cans is another story. I would not be gently nagging about those. I would make it very clear that if he chooses to drink beer in the home that it fine but he has darned well pick up his dang cans and put them in the recycling. THere are children in the home that sure as heck do not need to be finding beer cans laying around. That one would get me angrier than the mess in the kitchen (which would irritate the snot out of me, but I would be more willing to let that slide for a bit and focus on teh beer cans) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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