Laura Corin Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 Hobbes is distractible and forgetful. Nothing outside the norm for a 12yo boy, but at the dippy end of the curve. Normally it doesn't worry me - he's getting better slowly and I help him to think things through so that he can work more independently. He is now very good at getting out the door for school, so I know it's possible for him. What drives me crazy though is.... when there's something he really wants to go to and I still have to tell him three times that it is supper time, that he needs to find his clothes/shoes to go out, that we are leaving in five minutes. A week ago I was almost in tears with frustration, and I talked through with him that it really wasn't my job to nag him repeatedly so that I could drive him to some activity that he really enjoyed. It was his responsibility to make it easy for me - otherwise I'd just stay home and read a book. He got it. Tonight is Scouts. I called him for supper ten minutes ago. He said okay. He's not at table yet. He's going to be late. It's time for him to learn. Mean mummy. Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieF Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I have one of those too. It's really hard just to sit back and watch them forget/be late etc. I assume that by me constantly reminding him he'll learn. But I'm not so sure! Stephanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 Hopefully just one time will get the message across. (I had to do something like this with dd10 last week. I couldn't actually leave her home but I got in the car and drove around the block. She was panicked and ready when I got back. And she hasn't blown me off since.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted May 23, 2012 Author Share Posted May 23, 2012 His father came home and asked if H was going to Scouts. At that point H came rushing in. I made him eat his supper, get dressed in his uniform and we got going. We had a 'talk' in the car. He was late for Scouts. I think he got the point. But I thought he got the point last time..... Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I wish I had started sooner but I'm doing it now. The calendar/chart BIG on the wall. My ds needs to keep track of himself and he'll never do it well if he doesn't read his schedule. For him it needs life broken into smaller pieces. Don't go crazy mum! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K&Rs Mom Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 That's hard to watch, but better to learn it now than when he's moved out and late for work again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bookfiend Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 How about a watch with an alarm that he sets? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted May 23, 2012 Author Share Posted May 23, 2012 I think I'll try that. We discussed Scouts earlier in the evening. And then he forgot. So even if he'd looked at a schedule when he came home from school, he would still have forgotten two hours later when it was time to come for supper before going out. Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 Sometimes it is hard to help our kids learn things....but he'll get it. And next time he'll know that he'll be late if he doesn't get with it. Good job Mama! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted May 23, 2012 Author Share Posted May 23, 2012 How about a watch with an alarm that he sets? Otherwise it's still me nagging him to remember the activity that he really wants to do. Scouts tonight, on the original plan, involved: Me - make sure shirt is washed and in his room; correspond with scout master about materials for craft, check I understand, find materials; remind H to do his homework before scouts, redirect him so his homework is done before scouts; make supper early so that he can eat it before scouts; call him for supper; drive him to scouts; pick him up from scouts; help him to keep moving so that he gets into bed at a decent hour after scouts. Him - come to supper; get dressed. If I'm also reminding him to set an alarm so that he gets ready for scouts, it seems even more unbalanced. Let's be clear: it's entirely his choice to be involved in scouts. Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen in CO Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I think you're doing the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 Why not let him fail? Stop nagging and let him miss scouts. Don't do this today, but start next time. Before the day, sit him down and let him know that you will no longer nag him to get out the door to scouts (to eat dinner, do homework, ect). He must be ready by X time, otherwise he misses that week. Then follow through. Call him to the table ONCE. Don't nag him to do his homework. If it's not done, he doesn't go. Period. If he fails to make it to scouts, you can feel genuinely bad for him. Let him know that you're sorry he's missing that week. But stick to your guns. This was me and dd over getting out the door to church in the morning. Finally one week I left her behind (not before ample warning about what time I would leave in the morning). Oh the tragedy! She called me in a stunned, weepy voice and said, "But I didn't think you'd actually leave when you said you would!" I have not had one single problem with her on Sunday mornings since. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 With my scatty dd10, the Snork Maiden, I decided enough was enough. I bought her a programmable watch with a loud alarm, gave her a schedule, and let her learn. I decided that I was not going to get stressed out about it; if she was late or missed her commitments, then she dealt with the consequences (apologise to the teacher/leader, miss the stuff she really enjoys). I warned her that missing too many of her commitments was a waste of money and if it got too bad, I would refuse to pay for them any more. It's by no means perfect, but much improved. And our relationship is in decent shape - I don't nag, and she's not resentful about it because she's actually realised that she likes the feeling of being in control of more of her life. I suppose it could easily have gone the other way.. she could have just given up bothering with her activities, but she didn't. Maybe I just got lucky! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almondbutterandjelly Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 We had a lot of success with creating a schedule for special days like Scout Days or Church Days. Use colorful clipart, accompanied by two word captions, to detail everything that needs to be done. Add times if needed. Print it out on a piece of cardstock, laminate it, hand it to the child. Then the only redirecting you do is "are you working your schedule?". This works particularly well for children who have great visual memory and not so great auditory memory. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted May 23, 2012 Author Share Posted May 23, 2012 Why not let him fail? Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadeOrchidSong Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 Laura, I love your sons' names. Every time I see them, they inspire some tender feelings. Just want to let you know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delaney Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I have the same issue with my oldest. Next year he will be a senior. Does he get himself up? no Do any laundry? no Remember his head half the time? no Next year he WILL be getting himself up and he will learn to do laundry. He will begin to get his act together so that when he starts CC courses we will not have to nag him to do college homework. He is young for his grade....but that is getting old. It is so hard to be firm and feel mean:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker25 Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 With my scatty dd10, the Snork Maiden, I decided enough was enough. I bought her a programmable watch with a loud alarm, gave her a schedule, and let her learn. I decided that I was not going to get stressed out about it; if she was late or missed her commitments, then she dealt with the consequences (apologise to the teacher/leader, miss the stuff she really enjoys). I warned her that missing too many of her commitments was a waste of money and if it got too bad, I would refuse to pay for them any more. It's by no means perfect, but much improved. And our relationship is in decent shape - I don't nag, and she's not resentful about it because she's actually realised that she likes the feeling of being in control of more of her life. I suppose it could easily have gone the other way.. she could have just given up bothering with her activities, but she didn't. Maybe I just got lucky! My girls are in AHG, it starts at 6:30 on Tuesday nights. I tell them they need to be ready to go in uniform at 6:15. I have one girl who never knows where her uniform is. She's missed two meetings this year because of it. The bad part is she has to go with me to the opening and closing so everyone sees her sitting by me instead of with her club. She is doing much better. My son has Karate on Thursdays. His, I forgot excuse for doing his chores was getting really old. So one night he comes to me at 7p.m. , Karate starts at 6:00, he says, "Um are we going to Karate?" I said, "Oh, I forgot!" I'd warned him earlier that week that this was going to happen. He did not get his attendance patch. He's had a much better memory ever since. Same for him though, I tell him we are leaving at 5:15, if he is not ready in his uniform he does not go. Dinner is also at a set time on those nights. If they miss it they wait until we get home and have a PB and a piece of fruit. I was always running late and I feel guilty when I'm late. I realized it was because I had to nag everyone to get ready and get going. My lateness has been cute drastically since implementing the above rules. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 Hobbes is distractible and forgetful. Nothing outside the norm for a 12yo boy, but at the dippy end of the curve. Normally it doesn't worry me - he's getting better slowly and I help him to think things through so that he can work more independently. He is now very good at getting out the door for school, so I know it's possible for him. What drives me crazy though is.... when there's something he really wants to go to and I still have to tell him three times that it is supper time, that he needs to find his clothes/shoes to go out, that we are leaving in five minutes. A week ago I was almost in tears with frustration, and I talked through with him that it really wasn't my job to nag him repeatedly so that I could drive him to some activity that he really enjoyed. It was his responsibility to make it easy for me - otherwise I'd just stay home and read a book. He got it. Tonight is Scouts. I called him for supper ten minutes ago. He said okay. He's not at table yet. He's going to be late. It's time for him to learn. Mean mummy. Laura My 12yo is very much like that, too. You are not "mean mummy." You are also not "enabler mummy." We do not do people favours when we let them have a pass on personal responsibility. It's not something that one learns overnight, so that's why good parents take opportunities for teachable moments when they arise. He might not learn this time. He might not learn next time, either, but he will learn eventually, and he'll be a better person for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 Ds8 is like that. We are working on it now, but I have a feeling I will be in the same position in a couple more years - let him fail at that age instead of when he moves out and is on his own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily_Grace Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 I'll vote not mean mommy, even if he is late. We've had to do the same. Oh, no phone on you? Guess you're not going to the activity until you have it. No full uniform? Guess you can sit out. It's like reverting back to toddlerhood. I have to keep on him about staying organized even though he doesn't think he needs it at the moment. :tongue_smilie: My kid is working on the Personal Management scout badge and I think it's the best thing ever. It's one that every BS has to do, and part of it included keeping a schedule for 7 days along with a diary, to determine when their plans work/when they don't and why. The week my kid did his we were very busy. He filled out his schedule and then with a little prompting added prep time in there. Come the end of the week he looked back and thanked me for mentioning prep time - without it he would have been up a creek.:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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