Need advice: DS can't lose

[melbotoast]

DS is 5 and he cannot stand to lose at anything (card games, sports, etc,). This has been going on for about 6 months now. If he loses (or even if someone gets a point) then he gets really upset. He might start crying, or try to change the rules, or cheat.

 

Things I've tried:

talking to him frequently

reading books on being a good sport

having him repeat "It's OK if I lose sometimes"

a sticker chart where he gets a sticker if he is a good sport (this worked a few times, but not lately)

 

Has anyone had a child like this or does anyone have any ideas for me? I don't know how to help him overcome this.

[Shannon in TN]

:grouphug: my son is like this, too, only he'll take it further and act out in anger towards whoever is winning. It's so hard to know what to do, and I still don't. I hope you (we) get some good tips here!

[5 Hikers]

My oldest was like that at 5. I think if you refuse to play with him all day after he acts like a bad sport, he will learn to be more graceful about losing. If my oldest son tried to cheat or cried about losing, I immediately folded up the board and put it away. If other kids are playing you could immediately have your 5yo quit and go sit in another room until you are done.

[happyhomemaker]

Ds was a terrible loser when he was younger (4 or so). I had the usual talks with him about how everyone loses and that's ok and that the point of games is to have fun together. He understood at the time, but in the heat of losing, everything would take a downhill turn rather rapidly. One of the things that helped was pointing out how others acted when he won. "Mommy is so happy for you that you won the game. I love you so i am happy when nice things happen to you. If we play again, do you think you could be happy for me if I win this time?" I remind him of the rules before we play. If he is rude or pouty, the game will be put away. Games are fun, if they stop being fun, we will stop playing. If I win, he will be nice. If he wins, I will be nice. The game will be put up for the rest of the day if he cannot be a nice loser. I also remind him of this in the middle of the game if it looks like I am going to win. "Remember you promised to be happy for me if I win. I will be happy for you if you pull ahead and win." Slowly but surely, these things have worked. There have been tears and tantrums, but at 7 he is now SO much better than he was a few years ago.

[Starr]

Stop the win - lose games for a few months. Find some cooperative games and give those a try.

[Paintedlady]

My oldest was like that at 5. I think if you refuse to play with him all day after he acts like a bad sport, he will learn to be more graceful about losing. If my oldest son tried to cheat or cried about losing, I immediately folded up the board and put it away. If other kids are playing you could immediately have your 5yo quit and go sit in another room until you are done.

 

I agree. Ds used to be a terrible loser and this is how we handled it as well. If you can't lose (and win) gracefully, you can't play. Of course when he was younger we extended a bit more grace, but as he got older we were more strict about it. Now he takes it in stride when he loses.

[erinjo]

I recently saw a suggestion somewhere (a blog maybe?) to have the winner of the game be responsible for cleaning up the game. It takes a little of the sting out of losing.

 

Other than that, I have a son who did the exact same thing for a long time but he really did grow out of it. I don't remember any specific things we did other than just putting the games away.

[duckabell]

I don't have any advice, but my older sister told me the other day that she was reading her journal from when she was a kid and mentioned how Mom and Dad told her that she had to let me win or else I would cry. Now, I don't know if that's the best attitude for my parents to have taken, but I grew out of that stage and I'm not too terribly competitive these days.

[JLocke41]

You've got to nip this in the bud. Stop playing the game and tell him you can't win every single time in life. If he thinks that, he's going to be in for a rude surprise as he grows older.

[fairfarmhand]

"Ohhh, honey, I am sorry this game makes you so sad. It breaks mommy's heart to see you so upset, so we are going to put this game away for awhile."

 

Next day...boy:"Let's play {insert fun game}."

 

"OH, that game makes you sad and upset. Part of being playing big kid games is not getting all upset when you don't win. I guess we will just not play it until you are a big kid."

 

Part of this is that he is the oldest and expects to be the best at everything. Does he have older cousins that can model good sportsmanship?

 

I'd also watch some sports and admire how the winners win graciously, shaking hands with the other team and the losers congratulate the winners. If on TV an athlete models poor sportsmanship, I would comment, " What a horrible attitude, I bet his mother is embarrassed. I hope you never act like that when things do not go your way."

[Chris in VA]

I would acknowledge his feelings. Don't deny, describe! "Oh, I can see you are upset about not winning. You feel...(frustrated, upset, sad, angry, whatever). Remember what we said about how to tell us that?" If he can't express it in an acceptable way, then a room time out to get control would help. Then go in to his room after a little bit and talk (not in the heat of the moment). Set up the appropriate way talk when you aren't playing a game, just teaching about feelings.

 

And maybe some of those fun cooperative games would help tide him over, as a pp said.

[Farrar]

I would acknowledge his feelings. Don't deny, describe! "Oh, I can see you are upset about not winning. You feel...(frustrated, upset, sad, angry, whatever). Remember what we said about how to tell us that?" If he can't express it in an acceptable way, then a room time out to get control would help. Then go in to his room after a little bit and talk (not in the heat of the moment). Set up the appropriate way talk when you aren't playing a game, just teaching about feelings.

 

And maybe some of those fun cooperative games would help tide him over, as a pp said.

 

:iagree: That's pretty much what we did. And I must say pretty much every single 5 yo I know has issues with competition. I think it's good to back off being competitive a little and focus on cooperative games, but I also think you just have to treat it really non-judgmentally (it's a stage for the vast majority of kids and they will get over it) and a bit no nonsense and barrel through. Reflect his feelings clearly. Listen and hug. Praise him for his good sportsmanship when he has it. When you lose, model being disappointed and moving on. And when he loses it anyway, give him a time out to regroup himself and don't give it any more attention until he gets over it.

 

One thing I would absolutely not do is a sticker chart. It means he wins for losing, which avoids the issue altogether and, IMHO, muddles the whole thing.

[Barbara H]

I agree it is a very typical thing for the age.

 

One thing that some kids find helpful is to have an exact routine or ritual and to practice it out of the moment. It might be a "good game" and a handshake. For some kids that's more concrete than just "be a good sport."

 

Another thing we found helpful were cooperative games. http://familypastimes.com/

[KidsHappen]

I recently saw a suggestion somewhere (a blog maybe?) to have the winner of the game be responsible for cleaning up the game. It takes a little of the sting out of losing.

 

We have that same rule.

[KidsHappen]

We simply stopped playing win/lose games and explained that it was not fun for the other players. We also asked if the person if they would prefer that everyone else just let her win and then she would never know if she won based on her own talent or just because everyone felt sorry for her because she was a bad winner.

[Desert Rat]

It might be the age. My 12yo was a poor sport. We took a break playing games with him when he was around 6. When we resumed, if he lost and started crying or getting angry, he was sent straight to his room. He also wanted to quit when it looked like he wouldn't win. On those occassions I would fudge it to make sure he wins to prove a point that you should never give up. It was the only time we LET him win. It took lots of practice, lots of patience and lots of tears, but he is generally a very good sport now. Pokemon club has also helped a lot. They count games (battles) played not battles won. Winning is almost an afterthought in regular league play. It isn't until tournaments that winning becomes important. The last tourney he played he came in 14 out of 16. I was tensed and preparing for the worst. He smiled and said, "I had fun!" At that point I nearly cried I was so happy. He has come so far!

Oh! And we also taught him to bump fists or high-five and say "good game" or "thanks for playing" after every game. This taught him that it isn't all about winning, or at least to pretend it isn't!

[melbotoast]

Thank you for all of the replies! We have stopped playing games when he has a hard time but haven't been really consistent. I think we will try that which may or may not lead into no competitive games for a while. Expressing his feelings in an appropriate way is an issue we are working on as well. Again, thank you for the support. I won't give up hope yet:tongue_smilie:

[Karen in CO]

My ds was a terrible loser when he was little. We worked hard at modeling behavior and switched to cooperative games and all that kind of things. I thought I'd done a really great job of correcting the problem. As he grew older, he became so much better at so many games that I rarely had the chance to see him lose. A couple of years ago, we played Risk as a big group, and his team lost. Ouch. I learned that he never really outgrew it. He just learned to hide it then became better at every game he played so he never lost. I think it is terrific to teach how to be a good sport, but now I'm very skeptical about being able to change a child's core personality.

[redsquirrel]

It is developmentally appropriate for a 5 year old. Just stop playing win-lose games. He cannot separate losing a game from being a bad person or losing at life. Totally normal.

 

Some kids don't even start to make that separation between winning and personal worth until around 8 years of age. Back off the issue for a while. Try again when he is 7 or 8. He may surprise you with how much he changes.

[radiobrain]

You've got to nip this in the bud. Stop playing the game and tell him you can't win every single time in life. If he thinks that, he's going to be in for a rude surprise as he grows older.

 

I wish it were that simple. Also, I don't think a 5-6 year old can conceptualize that type of far away outcome.

 

I have a perfectionist who is insanely competitive and there is NOTHING that can change him feeling that deep, deep compulsion (that I cannot understand) until he figures out how to do it himself.

 

Nipping it in the bud, immediate consequences, etc. don't always do the trick. Just sayin'. ;)

[SwallowTail]

This is very developmentally normal. Five year olds find competition extremely difficult. I personally believe it is best to just limit it at that age.