Opinions on a teenage boy's babysitting job.....

[Merry]

Our youth pastor had been having our 15 year old son babysit their four year old son and one year old daughter for a few hours at a time every couple of weeks. He does have to change the girl's diapers sometimes. Then the pastor's wife asked him if he would babysit the children all afternoon everyday during the week if the job she was applying for came through. My dh and I had to sit down with him and explain to him why it was not a good idea. My ds had to learn some unpleasant facts about child molestors and those people who make accusations that might not like him around the kids. He was so surprised and upset but agreed with us that it was a potentially bad situation for him to be in. Heck, many churches don't even allow any teenage boys in the nurseries for their protection against accusations and lawsuits. But I've been rethinking this. I wonder if it would be such a problem in this case? Is it a common thing for teenage boys to babysit and have there been problems?

[EarleneW]

One of our best babysitters before we moved was a teenage boy. He was fantastic and my kids loved him.

[Hannah]

If the pastor and his wife trust your son to babysit their children (and obviously they do), and he is happy to do it, I don't see why "what people may think" should factor in at all.

[LoriM]

What a sad commentary on our culture! We want involved fathers who feel free to serve their children's needs, but they aren't allowed to receive training as young men??? Goodness.

 

I would not have hesitated to hire a young man or young woman to babysit my children (both girls) if I knew and trusted the teenager. Gender is not a reason to restrict employment opportunities in babysitting. Maturity, trustworthiness, and ability are the characteristics I use to determine a teen's readiness for employment.

[Erica in PA]

I am personally sensitive to this issue, because I knew of a family whose young daughter was molested by a teenage male babysitter, whom NO ONE would ever have suspected was capable of this in any way. This boy was the son of a pastor, came from a wonderful, loving family, and was a seemingly strong Christian himself. He was a good student in school, very involved and talented, very friendly, and good with children. He has since gone on to have what seems to be a happy marriage, and has children, is very involved with his church, etc. He has said that at that time, he was secretly struggling with sexual issues and pornography, and that was how it manifested itself. No one would ever have known that was going on with this boy. And that poor girl paid the price.

 

Ironically, some time later, this young man's younger sister was also molested by a teenaged male babysitter. Again, an upstanding, carefully chosen, Christian young man from a lovely family whom no one would ever have suspected, even though we all tend to think that *we* really would know somehow.

 

My point is, we all think we know which boys would do something like this, and which boys would not. I am suggesting that we *cannot* know this. In the case I mentioned above, everyone would have sworn that this boy was an excellent choice for a babysitter. The family loved him, and trusted him fully. His own parents had 100% confidence in him. Like others here, they would have probably been extremely offended if anyone had considered this wonderful young man a potential child molester-- and yet, tragically, he was.

 

Having heard about this incident, I would not feel comfortable having a male babysitter for my children, or allowing my male teenagers to babysit. Someone may say that's not fair, and maybe in some ways it isn't. But males struggle with this more than females do. There are so many more male sexual offenders than female. And I'm not willing to take the chance, even if it's very, very small. If that means not choosing some lovely boys who would have made wonderful babysitters, it's still worth it to me.

 

I know others feel very differently, and that is why I've tried to word this as sensitively as possible. I don't expect everyone to agree. I am just sharing what I am comfortable with, based on my experiences.

 

Erica

[manylilblessings]

Merry - you seem to have a check in your spirit about the wisdom of this arrangement. That's all that's necessary. Trust yourself. It's okay to decline the offer. I'm sure your son is quite a loving and caring sitter. But, you're not comfortable, and your reasoning is perfectly understandable. Go with your instinct. If you go against it, and something happens, you'll feel worse than if you hadn't had this inclination.

 

Trust yourself....

[Danestress]

The question isn't whether people *ought* to hire male babysitters. The question is whether there is a risk to the boy if he accepts.

 

And of course there is a risk, though there is a risk for girls as well. Whenever a child has an unexplained injury (or the parents deny an explanation) whether that's a fracture, bruising, or an@l fissures, people look to the sitter. Male or female. I once represented grandparents who were accused of abuse which I 100% believed they did not commit. But they had access to the child alone.

 

I think anytime you allow your child to babysit, there is a risk involved. The child could choke, fall, or have an allergic reaction, and your child's life could be forever changed. Or the child could come up with x-rays showing that at some time in the past, he had a fracture in his arm, and the parents could be looking at your child. It might be a hard proof issue, but it would be traumatic for your child just to have the question raised.

 

So I do think that there are inherent risks in accepting babysitting jobs. But I am not sure that there risk in this case is much different if he babysits for 2 hours a week as opposed to 20 hours. If you had these concerns, I am surprised you allowed him to babysit at all, and if you are comfortable with 2 hours, I'm not sure why you aren't comfortable with more. It only takes a few minutes for something tragic to happen (or be alleged).

 

I can't really say whether you should allow this or not. I don't have daughters - only sons. My son babysat for one family extensively, but they had a boy who was older. He wouldn't have wanted to babysit for a baby. Honestly, boy or girl, I am not sure I would want my child to have responsibility for two children in this age group. I really believe that parents with a one and a four year old should be caring for them themselves. Every afternoon is a lot of responsibility, and a one and four year old are fairly vulnerable.

 

As a Mom, if I needed extensive, daily care for this age group, I would hire an adult, female nanny. No 15 year olds.

[bettyandbob]

the kids still ask for him. He's gone to college. Ds 13 wants me to have him come babysit this summer. I did have him babysit, but that was when I had to take ds 13 somewhere and needed someone to watch ds 6. I did tell the babysitter that ds 13 missed him and wanted "hang out" sometime. This young man is an outstanding person and I feel blessed my ds has someone like this to look up to. Babysitter came early to the job and did hang out with ds 13 and invited him to lunch.

 

I also have a dd who is 10 and have never had a problem with him watching her. She really doesn't need a sitter anymore and when he came recently she was at the pool with friends.

 

I know we had a great experience, but with the issues we have in society today I also understand your fear. Obviously, our babysitter's mother was comfortable with us. I truly don't know what I would have done during all those years. Our babysitter started as a mother's helper when he was 12, so I was around (my ds was learning to skate and needed a partner and I had a toddler who was terrified of the ice). The female babysitters seemed hard to find and when they did appear they were quite mediocre. They didn't entertain or play with the kids. They didn't bother with the park with swings and slides steps from my back door. My kids just found the girls to be no fun. And at the going rate for paying a babysitter, I think my kids should have some fun.

 

I guess I haven't helped you here, except to say I had an excellent experience with a male babysitter. One of my neighbor's did tell me she thought it was weird. However, there aren't a lot of jobs for kids before age 16. I live in a townhouse, so lawn care is not a big business for boys in my neighborhood. This young man's mother didn't allow him to keep a "real" job during the school year when he was older--he needed to make grades to qualify for scholarships. She did allow him to keep up babysitting occassionally on weekends during school though.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I personally don't have an issue with it.

 

HOWEVER....

 

In my congregation, a woman would never pick up a male by herself. When I needed a test at the local hospital, a man took me. My daughter came with me because of that. If I am going to go get one of our disabled members, another person would accompany me.

 

This leaves us above reproach. No one can guess something is going on between two married-to-other-people. No one has to worry about a child in just one other person's care. And the list goes on. It protects all parties involved.

 

I would allow my son to babysit if he was doing it in our home (both of my kids refuse to babysit in other people's homes anyway because kids act 14 times worse on their own turf).

[Kim in Appalachia]

I have had a male baby sitter, but I think I would be uncomfortable with it in the long run. I guess I've heard too many bad stories, and I don't want risk it. You really just never know.

 

I have 3 young boys. I think, when they are older, I would not have them baby sit others kids. If a guy is accused of being a s*xual predator it can follow him for the rest of his life.

[Merry]

Yes, Danestress, I realize that we're not being totally consistent with allowing our ds babysit the children a few hours at a time and not allowing him to babysit for say 20 hours a week and I'm having to rethink that. But thanks for clarifying this issue for me which is what I needed. This confirms our decision to not let him take on the longer babysitting job. It's for his protection as you said. And I also agree with the parents needing to stay home with their children which contributed to our decision. About the responsibility factor, my ds is a Boy Scout, well trained in first aid so I wasn't too concerned about him being responsible for a few hours a time. But the emotional aspect of taking care of small children for so many hours could take its toll. As for the chances for neighbors and acquaintances accusing my ds of sexual abuse, would that be reduced if he just babysits for a couple hours at a time, or would that not matter?

[Danestress]

sorry - double post

[Laura K (NC)]

My middle son would make a great babysitter. The girls we used would not get on the floor and play with them. One babysitter brought over his Matchbox car collection and my kids went wild. He'd help them build fabulous constructions out of Legos and K'Nex that they would never consider on their own.

 

If I were you, and my son was requested as a babysitter, I'd talk with the youth pastor and his wife. As a youth pastor, he is well aware[/i] of the risks that come when a younger man is around even younger girls. He deals with it himself. His wife will also be aware of the risks. Tell them about your concerns and tell them you want to make sure he will be protected. To do that, you might have him consider going through some kind of program about working with youth and sexual predators. It's information that all our sons and daughters really need to know. We have a program through our church.

 

By expressing your concern, and your son showing such mature judgment, you will be fostering good will and protecting your son. Your son already has a reputation for good character and values, obviously, or they wouldn't recommend him out of so many possibilities.

 

We want our sons to be able to volunteer with youth when they get older. To keep them from this because of their gender is discrimination. I really think this babysitting opportunity is either the beginning of the training for responsible fatherhood and service to the church, or it will be a lesson in skepticism and cynicism if he is unable to do a job he is good at simply because of his gender.

[Tracey in TX]

It is common for boys to babysit, but concerned parents are discouraging this. We've had lots of both genders. One of the kids' favorite is a boy, but the mom and I talked about her concerns of misunderstandings or possible lawsuits (not from us, but in general). He only babysits boys now.

We did have one incident, but it was being physical by sitting on DD when she disobeyed. That is more likely IME to happen with a male than female sitter. Given our lawsuit-happy society, I will discourage my boys from babysitting girls as well. Isn't that sad?

[jonesloonybin]

I agree with what everyone is saying but I know that if someone where to accuse him...he could be stuck with the title of "sexual offender" for life. And that would be all anyone would see.

 

It is very sad to have this happen...

 

A solution could be having the pastor invest in a nanny cam. This would help everyone.

[nakitty]

Just want to point out....my little sister used to work for a children's home in Maine that housed child sex offenders. You didn't read that wrong....these are CHILDREN that are SEX OFFENDERS. Both Male and Female. They molested and RAPED to get in there....it happens all the time and it is NOT exclusive to boys. I do not think it is fair to discriminate against boys alone....suggesting that by their gender alone they have a higher propensity towards sexual abuse. Abusers are everywhere people....and thinking that you will *know* one when you see one isn't always the case. All we can do is use our best judgement and teach our children well....then hope and pray for the best...

[3lilreds in NC]

Just want to point out....my little sister used to work for a children's home in Maine that housed child sex offenders. You didn't read that wrong....these are CHILDREN that are SEX OFFENDERS. Both Male and Female. They molested and RAPED to get in there....it happens all the time and it is NOT exclusive to boys. I do not think it is fair to discriminate against boys alone....suggesting that by their gender alone they have a higher propensity towards sexual abuse. Abusers are everywhere people....and thinking that you will *know* one when you see one isn't always the case. All we can do is use our best judgement and teach our children well....then hope and pray for the best...

 

It's not that boys are necessarily more likely to be sex offenders, but that they are perceived that way. The reason that there get to be sex offenders is that you can't know them when you see them. It's scary.

 

At our church nursery, men are not allowed to change diapers. The goal is to have them remain above reproach in case there is ever a question - not because we think we allow child molesters to volunteer in the nursery, KWIM?

 

It's a sad, sad commentary on our society that we have to have discussions like this.

 

I would like to add that I have a friend with two boys who hires a boy babysitter and she loves him. Loves him! Says he's the best babysitter she's ever had. And, I've had my friend's boys come over occasionally when the kids are napping and I don't want to wake them when I need to run out to a dr. appointment or something - they sit on the couch and read and I don't have a problem with that. I don't think I'd have a boy come over for longer times or more frequently, though.

[Erica in PA]

As for the chances for neighbors and acquaintances accusing my ds of sexual abuse, would that be reduced if he just babysits for a couple hours at a time, or would that not matter?

 

Merry, I really wouldn't be too concerned about neighbors or acquaintances making accusations, whether he babysits all day or just a few hours, or occasially. As I mentioned in my other post, I do believe that there are good reasons to avoid putting teenaged boys in unsupervised babysitting situations, but unsubstantiated claims by outsiders wouldn't be a concern to me.

 

Erica

[Mrs Mungo]

As a Mom, if I needed extensive, daily care for this age group, I would hire an adult, female nanny. No 15 year olds.

 

I agree with this. Teens are great when you need a night out once in a while or as an extra hand while you are around the house. I would not use a teen for daily care all afternoon, it's just not wise.

[ereks mom]

Merry - you seem to have a check in your spirit about the wisdom of this arrangement. That's all that's necessary. Trust yourself. It's okay to decline the offer. I'm sure your son is quite a loving and caring sitter. But, you're not comfortable, and your reasoning is perfectly understandable. Go with your instinct. If you go against it, and something happens, you'll feel worse than if you hadn't had this inclination.

 

Trust yourself....

 

:iagree:

[Danestress]

If you are worried that people generally (just neighbors or people at church) will suspect your son is a child molester because he babysits, I don't think that is a realistic fear. I've certainly never heard anyone air those kinds of suspicions, though of course the world does have it's share of evil, weird people.

 

Usually when there are allegations of child sexual abuse, there is a reason. The child has signs of injury. The child begins to act out sexually. Something like that. If this is a child who is well cared for, not living with unrelated adults, not frequently left in the care of other adults, I wouldn't be too too worried. But of course it's POSSIBLE that this child will actually be hurt by someone (and most often that's a father, an older brother, a friend or relative) and that when the police say "okay, who had access to this child?" your son's name would come up. This, of course, could happen to a daughter too.

 

If you are really comfortable with the family and their choices regarding the children, then I don't think you would be patently wrong to allow your son to sit. You just have to use your best judgment. If the parents were in the middle of a divorce, the mother had a boy friend living there, the child were regularly cared for by the father's brother who seems very weird to you, then I wouldn't even consider it.

 

I guess I am trying to say that I am not in the least bit worried that someone will accuse you son of doing something that no one has done. I am slightly more worried that *someone* will hurt one of these children, that it won't be your son, but that your son will be suspected. I think that's far more likely to happen (though still not really VERY likely). But just allegations out of the blue for no reason? That's not the risk, IMHO.

 

Does that make sense?

[Laurie4b]

Because of my background in mental health, I never used any teenaged babysitters. I had talked to adults who had done it as teens and were remorseful! Teenagers commit 20% of the abuse in churches, for instance, not because they are pedophiles, but because they are experimenting. It has the same effect on the child and leaves the teen marked for life. I'd rather not put my kids or any teens in that position.

 

Teenaged boys are both more likely to offend AND more likely to be perceived as having offended. (In other words, if a child says something ambiguous about an interaction, the parents may react more intensely if the sitter was a boy than if the sitter was a girl. Anxious parents questions can create a false accusation scenario.)

 

Teenaged girls also offend, including nice Christian girls.

 

I never allow my teenaged sons to babysit alone. I'll let them do it at church with another person present (we need two there for liability purposes.)

 

If you don't allow the opportunity, you never have to face the nightmare.

[Murphy101]

I have 6 boys and although I might eventually let them babysit briefly for their younger siblings, it still won't be alone because I think caring for little children is a lot of work and requires a lot of supervision that a lone teen may not give the entire time. Good grief, I'm in my mid 30s and have 8 kids and I swear I can't go pee without something happening the minute I sit on the pot.

 

I'm always amazed that people say teens are too young to become parents, but then they turn aroudn and leave the entire care of a little child to a teen who isn't even a relative for several hours or much longer.:confused:

 

So I don't think anything negative of your son, I just don't think a teen of any gender should be placed in such an adult role with non family children.

 

I did it LOTS as a teen and nothing ever happened, but I shudder to think how much could have and how many near misses I had that I never gave a thought to.

[Rhondabee]

Yes, Danestress, I realize that we're not being totally consistent with allowing our ds babysit the children a few hours at a time and not allowing him to babysit for say 20 hours a week and I'm having to rethink that. But thanks for clarifying this issue for me which is what I needed. This confirms our decision to not let him take on the longer babysitting job. It's for his protection as you said. And I also agree with the parents needing to stay home with their children which contributed to our decision. About the responsibility factor, my ds is a Boy Scout, well trained in first aid so I wasn't too concerned about him being responsible for a few hours a time. But the emotional aspect of taking care of small children for so many hours could take its toll. As for the chances for neighbors and acquaintances accusing my ds of sexual abuse, would that be reduced if he just babysits for a couple hours at a time, or would that not matter?

 

 

You could leave a tape or video recording for the time your ds is baby-sitting. I once observed a middle school teacher who made sure every class she taught was taped and dated and filed. She told me it was so that she could re-play the tapes and work on improving her teaching. I forgot all about that until I read this thread - now I'm betting it was more so that she could have an impartial witness if she were ever accused of anything objectionable.

 

:001_smile:

[angela in ohio]

This topic comes up from time to time on the board. I think it is important to read the statistics to help protect your children. Yes, boys/men are MUCH more likely to offend. It's not discrimination to say that, it is just fact. And teens are more likely than any other age group to offend against young children. This is something to think about when you decide who should care for your child.

 

As far as the OP... this is hard. I think you did the right thing, if for no other reason than your own discomfort with the situation.

[Ashleen]

One of my favorite babysitters as a child was a teenage boy. One of my children's favorite Sunday school teachers was a man.

 

BTW, if you look up s*x offenders in your area, you may be surprised. Some of the registered offenders in my area are young women.

[Ashleen]

Teenaged girls also offend, including nice Christian girls.

 

When I was seven, a thirteen year old girl at my church molested me. I went to her mom, who shut the door in my face, saying that she couldn't listen to anything from me that would make her love her daughter less.

[Karenciavo]

My oldest son has babysat for 2 years now, he sits for both genders.