kalliemorgan Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I have the awful personality type that feels the need to divulge EVERYTHING simply because someone asks even though it may not be in the best interests of myself or my family. There are a few people in my life that I have "invited" in, I believe, because of my bad behavior. Now it is damage control time, and I am trying to re-train them not to feel free to ask me things that are inappropriate. (I think that's why I have always attracted the inappropriate people like a moth to the flame!) I have been working on it...but I have always admired the Southern Belle responses that sound polite but are laced with the understatements of putting people in their place, because I have NEVER mastered that art. I want to keep the peace, but politely tell people to back off. So my question to all you seasoned Southern Belles, when asked an inappropriate question about, say your husband, what would you respond with? If you need a specific question posed, either pose one yourself or ask me and I will try to come up with a specific one. But I guess I am trying to come up with a general statement that I could use in possibly multiple purposes. I want inappropriate, nosy people to look like this when I am done. :blink: Show me the way! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalliemorgan Posted May 12, 2012 Author Share Posted May 12, 2012 I'll get it started. I have heard this one and have used it a *couple* times when I am trying to be brave. "I am pretty sure I just misunderstood what you just said to me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Well, one way to do that is for you to go :blink: when someone asks you an inappropriate question. And to hold that expression until your inquisitor realizes he has asked something inappropriate and begins to feel awkward. Then you say something like, "Oh, I'd rather not discuss that, Sugar. Would you like a nice cup of tea?" Similar to passing the bean dip. :D Judith Martin addresses situations like this in her Miss Manners books. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalliemorgan Posted May 12, 2012 Author Share Posted May 12, 2012 Well, one way to do that is for you to go :blink: when someone asks you an inappropriate question. And to hold that expression until your inquisitor realizes he has asked something inappropriate and begins to feel awkward. Then you say something like, "Oh, I'd rather not discuss that, Sugar. Would you like a nice cup of tea?" Similar to passing the bean dip. :D Judith Martin addresses situations like this in her Miss Manners books. :) Beautiful!!!! That is EXACTLY what I am talking about! Thanks so much! :D And I WILL be getting that book... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalliemorgan Posted May 12, 2012 Author Share Posted May 12, 2012 Any more advice from anyone? ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I have no idea what your situation is, but for me it was/is a self-esteem and boundaries issue. I struggle with feeling guilty when someone asks an inappropriate question, like I'm the bad guy because I don't want to answer the question. The truth is, we all have a right to personal boundaries. People are rude/inappropriate/wrong at times, and it's been a struggle for me to understand that. I struggle with a "teacher's pet" mentality and have to make everyone happy so they will always pat me on the head. Maybe just becoming aware of the fact that you DON'T have to answer people is half the battle? Growing a pair, so to speak? For me it's definitely helped. Getting older helps a little bit too ;)! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) Quite often, you can look in another direction and start a completely different conversation...."Oh, did you hear about".....or "Isn't that a gorgeous....?" Often, they will realize it is inappropriate and back away from the topic. Sometimes you will leave them wondering if you did not answer on purpose or if you did not hear them. With some people, these techniques don't work at all and you must be direct. Once, I said, "You know, you are the only one who has ever said that to me (asked me that)." It was nice to see the other person like this:001_huh: instead of me for a change. It lasted...for only a while....but the reprieve certainly was nice. ;) Edited May 12, 2012 by besroma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) Oh my, I was raised thinking I was Scarlett O'Hara. Had the whole thing down pat. (My sisters are still there) Anyhow, I'd just take their arm and say "Why sugar, how sweet of you to ask, bless your heart." and then don't answer. If they persist you follow up with "Aren't you the dearest friend to care?" Just keep turning back to them. And smile. Or "Honey I just can't discuss that right now, I'll ruin my makeup." If they won't shut up give them some bourbon. Course, nowadays I'd just say "That is the rudest question I've ever heard. Mind your own freaking business." I blame that on the midwest and all these **** Yankess. Edited May 12, 2012 by Remudamom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Lynx Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 If they won't shut up give them some bourbon. . :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Anyhow, I'd just take their arm and say "Why sugar, how sweet of you to ask, bless your heart." and then don't answer. If they persist you follow up with "Aren't you the dearest friend to care?" Just keep turning back to them. And smile. If they won't shut up give them some bourbon. These are excellent suggestions! ...I am going to remember these for the next family gathering. Thank you, Remudamom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 "How's Roy's hemorrhoids? " "They're just fine thank you. I took a picture on my cell phone. Want to see?" I love the "I'll forgive you for asking if you'll forgive me for not answering. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Them: Blah, blah, blah quetion about your dh You: Oh sweetie, I can't answer that until after the movie deal is settled! Have you seen the magnolias Amelia planted in her yard, so impressive! An outstanding lawn always shows who the people of quality are.... We have to keep ours much more subdued, just to avoid so many fans coming up to knock on the door asking for cuttings.... or You: Oh my! have those awful reporters been speaking to you? (Lock arms) We will just have to stick together until they leave. Let's go powder our noses. Have you been to the make up counter at XXX lately?,... or You: You are so sweet to care! But some things are best left unsaid (or left to the imagination). (Then you have to giggle and order more drinks for the both of you) Have you heard about the new facials available at XXX? Arboria Henthorne told me they were fabulous!.... In general, my experience from years in Nashville was that you first tell the other person how nice they are and then direct their attention elsewhere while simultaneously creating the feeling that the two of you form a special, little clique. I also love to throw the bit in about the movie or reporters to keep them stirred up a bit! But you have to be firmly committed to your position. Think of the steel hand inside the white kid glove. Really sweet on the outside and unbreakably strong on the inside. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Somethings you can get away with by giving a knowing wink. How is your sexlife? small grin and a wink Are the children really failing all their classes? small grin and a shrug Bless your heart for caring........... sometimes a shocked, somewhat hurt sounding "I'm sorry???" will make them too embarrassed to ask again. This is from me witnessing, I, myself am socially enept. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LillyMama Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 "Oh, wouldn't hubby just LOVE it if he knew I told you that!" With a loud laugh and conspiratorial wink. And then change the subject. My mom was a southern belle, my dad a native San Franciscan, where I grew up. Personally, although my mother's influence helps me admire your desire to be polite, my father's influence also believes that just changing the subject is not enough. There needs to be some communication addressing the point that they have crossed a line. Otherwise, they'll just do it again, not getting the point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tranquility7 Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I think because these inappropriate questions/comments are a result of your oversharing in the past, you need to just be candid but gracious in your response. I wouldn’t say anything rude, insincere, or sarcastic (definitely not my style). I’d probably say something like, “You know, I have to admit that I have overshared with everyone way too much in the past, and I really need to protect my DH’s [or whoever’s] privacy better. I know we used to be able to talk about [xyz], but I am really trying hard to not [complain/gossip/overshare/whatever]. I’m sorry! It’s really nothing personal, it’s just my own weakness I’m trying to work on.†Leave it at that and change the subject. I don’t know, maybe my response sounds lame! Maybe it would offend someone, though I hope not… But that is probably what I would say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unscripted Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 My common reply to an inappropriate question: "I have no idea how to answer that! You'll have to let me get back to you" I have tried the non-answer/re-direct method, and often the other person just repeats or circles the conversation back to the topic I was trying to get away from- its like the thought I got side-tracked or just didn't hear them. When I use the above line- they usually leave it. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalliemorgan Posted May 12, 2012 Author Share Posted May 12, 2012 Oh my, I was raised thinking I was Scarlett O'Hara. Had the whole thing down pat. (My sisters are still there) Anyhow, I'd just take their arm and say "Why sugar, how sweet of you to ask, bless your heart." and then don't answer. If they persist you follow up with "Aren't you the dearest friend to care?" Just keep turning back to them. And smile. Or "Honey I just can't discuss that right now, I'll ruin my makeup." If they won't shut up give them some bourbon. Course, nowadays I'd just say "That is the rudest question I've ever heard. Mind your own freaking business." I blame that on the midwest and all these **** Yankess. :smilielol5: I laughed out loud through your whole post! Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Glory, that's exactly what I'd say (if I could think fast enough to remember it in time). It's good to address the issue head-on in an apologetic way, letting the person know you're not going to share too much any more. That puts the burden on the other person to "help" you in your noble endeavor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalliemorgan Posted May 12, 2012 Author Share Posted May 12, 2012 I love all of your suggestions. They all have value, and I can use them in a variety of situations. As long as I remember to use them (the analogy of the steel hand in the white kid glove will help remind me) and not get too nervous and slip back into old habits... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalliemorgan Posted May 12, 2012 Author Share Posted May 12, 2012 I think because these inappropriate questions/comments are a result of your oversharing in the past, you need to just be candid but gracious in your response. I wouldn’t say anything rude, insincere, or sarcastic (definitely not my style). I’d probably say something like, “You know, I have to admit that I have overshared with everyone way too much in the past, and I really need to protect my DH’s [or whoever’s] privacy better. I know we used to be able to talk about [xyz], but I am really trying hard to not [complain/gossip/overshare/whatever]. I’m sorry! It’s really nothing personal, it’s just my own weakness I’m trying to work on.†Leave it at that and change the subject. I don’t know, maybe my response sounds lame! Maybe it would offend someone, though I hope not… But that is probably what I would say. This does seem to fit my style much more. The other stuff I dream of having the confidence for, but I will have to practice it first in the mirror a lot :tongue_smilie: or else they will think someone took over my body. But I am determined to have the southern belle thing down, someday. I just admire it too much! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pbb119 Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 "Oh honey, let's get together for tea soon and I will have to tell you all about it!....but my goodness, did you hear about _________?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belacqua Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 "Oh honey, let's get together for tea soon and I will have to tell you all about it!....but my goodness, did you hear about _________?" Oh, I like that! I could never pull it off, though. Too Northern, I guess. I'm more likely to stare incredulously and say something akin to, "Seriously?" My Southern pal does get some good traction with a chilly, "How kind of you to take an interest." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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