Why am I so uncomfortable with this? And how do I get over it?

[AlmiraGulch]

I got married in April. There were no guests at the wedding (by choice) but we didn't elope. Everyone knew what was going on.

 

A friend of mine said for months prior to the wedding that she wanted to throw a reception for us when we got back. We said sure, that would be great, but we never talked about it again. Last week my husband and I had dinner with the friend and her husband and she brought it up again. Come to find out, I think her feelings were sort of hurt that I hadn't brought it up, and over the course of the night we agreed to a date. When she asked how many people we said maybe 50, and she couldn't believe that's all that would be there. I'll be surprised if there are that many.

 

Here's the thing....I'm really uncomfortable with this whole thing. I don't have many friend who live in this area, so it's not like there would be a lot of guests on my side. My husband does know a lot of people here (no family) but honestly, most of them are working musicians and will probably have gigs that night, so attendance will likely be quite light.

 

I don't even know what to expect as far as who's paying for what. I certainly don't expect her to pay for the whole thing, but I hadn't planned on the expense myself. I'm not even sure how to tactfully bring up the subject.

 

Also, I have a feeling people will bring gifts, but that also makes me uncomfortable. I didn't invite these people to the wedding! But....putting "no gifts, please" on the invitation makes it seem like a gift was presumed, and that is....well...presumptuous!

 

Bottom line is that I'm uncomfortable with the whole idea, but I can't graciously get out of it now. Plus, my husband is excited about it.

 

How do I get past the negativity? How do I tactfully bring up the money thing? How would you handle it?

[Laurie4b]

I think people will assume the gifts are expected, so putting, "No gifts, please" is the right thing to do if that is what you want.

 

Don't know what to think about the rest of it in terms of how to approach the big question about who is paying for it.

[PrincessMommy]

I think putting "no gifts please" is very helpful and not presumptuous at all. Otherwise I would wonder "should I bring a gift???"

 

One idea would be to call your friend and tell her that you're not in a place to afford a party like this. Thank her profusely for thinking about this, but that you're rather uncomfortable with the whole thing anyway. Maybe she'll say she was planning to give this to you as a gift - or maybe not. But at least you'll be honest and upfront with her.

 

:grouphug: I hate parties and I would be totally stressed out about something like this. Shoot- I gave a tea party and I couldn't sleep for days beforehand I was so stressed about 10 ladies coming over for tea!

[Dolphin]

On the gift side, my sister got married last summer. They are older and have their household set up. They didn't really want lots of gifts. They had a part on their invitation that if people wanted to give gifts that these were their 2 favorite charities and the would like donations in lie of gifts. Water Aid and Heifer International were the 2 they put. It was nice, I gave her a card saying Congratulations on your wedding, I bought a goat in your name:D

 

Just an alternative.:grouphug:

 

Congratulations!

[elfgivas]

best wishes in your married life!

 

meanwhile....

 

maybe try turning the question around.

 

would you like to have a get together to celebrate your marriage?

 

would you like it to be a barbeque at a local park in the afternoon with frisbees and kites?

 

would you like it to be fondue dinner for 8?

 

would you like it to be a musical jam session?

 

would you like it to be a late brunch buffet?

 

how much could you pitch in? would you want to pitch in?

 

then, you can call your friend and thank her for her idea of a gift. then be very frank. "i have so many questions. its a lovely idea. is it something you were planning on paying for or hoping we would pay for or split or?"

 

then listen.

 

then say "we can only contribute $100-, so how about we brainstorm ideas we can with that + what you are putting in".

 

then suggest the thing you think you'd like.

 

and talk timing.

 

if she isn't part of the musical community, she may not have clued in to the fact that she's planning a party during working hours.

 

:grouphug: its supposed to be fun ;)

ann

[Jpoy85]

Turn into something that you WILL like. Like the above poster suggested. I dont know about payment. Sorry.

 

As for the gifts, maybe a few wouldnt be bad, i mean you could use towels, napkins, sheets, etc...no you dont need a new toaster, microwave, etc...maybe make a list or something? I dont know. We didnt really have a reception. We had a "party" after our wedding, but we didnt really get gifts (2 ice tea makers and a microwave + $100).

[LibraryLover]

:grouphug:

 

 

Good luck! I would want to celebrate, but in my way.

Edited May 9, 2012 by LibraryLover

[Unicorn.]

best wishes in your married life!

 

meanwhile....

 

maybe try turning the question around.

 

would you like to have a get together to celebrate your marriage?

 

would you like it to be a barbeque at a local park in the afternoon with frisbees and kites?

 

would you like it to be fondue dinner for 8?

 

would you like it to be a musical jam session?

 

would you like it to be a late brunch buffet?

 

how much could you pitch in? would you want to pitch in?

 

then, you can call your friend and thank her for her idea of a gift. then be very frank. "i have so many questions. its a lovely idea. is it something you were planning on paying for or hoping we would pay for or split or?"

 

then listen.

 

then say "we can only contribute $100-, so how about we brainstorm ideas we can with that + what you are putting in".

 

then suggest the thing you think you'd like.

 

and talk timing.

 

if she isn't part of the musical community, she may not have clued in to the fact that she's planning a party during working hours.

 

:grouphug: its supposed to be fun ;)

ann

 

This, and I love the idea of a few people over for a BBQ and a toast. It doesn't have to be a big deal. It could be just a few close friends for a backyard get together.

[tex-mex]

Don't let polite manners make you miserable. This is your decision. I like some of the casual ideas with a BBQ if there are truly no family or close friends nearby. Make it fun. You will regret it if you follow someone else in a party or reception that is formal or expensive.

[AlmiraGulch]

:grouphug: I hate parties and I would be totally stressed out about something like this. Shoot- I gave a tea party and I couldn't sleep for days beforehand I was so stressed about 10 ladies coming over for tea!

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one! I don't like being the center of attention. Plus, there's that dreaded "what if no one shows up?" that's always nagging in the back of my head.....

[PrincessMommy]

I'm glad I'm not the only one! I don't like being the center of attention. Plus, there's that dreaded "what if no one shows up?" that's always nagging in the back of my head.....

 

Yes, yes yes!! I totally get that. I'm the same way. That's probably my secret reason why I hate parties... I'm totally convinced no one would come. :grouphug:

[AlmiraGulch]

On the gift side, my sister got married last summer. They are older and have their household set up. They didn't really want lots of gifts. They had a part on their invitation that if people wanted to give gifts that these were their 2 favorite charities and the would like donations in lie of gifts. Water Aid and Heifer International were the 2 they put. It was nice, I gave her a card saying Congratulations on your wedding, I bought a goat in your name:D

 

Just an alternative.:grouphug:

 

Congratulations!

That's a great idea. My husband is heavily involved with a charity that was founded in honor of a musician friend of his who died because he had untreated bipolar disorder. He'd be thrilled with donations. That's even all he asked for for his 40th birthday last year.

 

Oh...and thanks!:D

[Parrothead]

You are going to have to sit down and talk to the friend about the venue and type of party. There is no way around that. Thank her again and tell her that you want to frankly discuss practicalities.

 

Then you are going t have to pick someone who knows pretty much everyone invited to the party and have him/her pass the work about the donations to the charity. If need be pick two someones. Don't put it on the invitation.

[AlmiraGulch]

Thanks for the advice. I'm really not this mousy and passive in real life! I just really have almost a phobia about this sort of thing ("this sort of thing" being a) me as the center of attention; b) fearing that no one will attend; and c) money-related conversation).

 

So.....I called her. First, I said that while we're so grateful and appreciative that she's so willing to support us in this way, we just weren't planning on the expense since we have a trip the week before, and my daughter's 16th birthday the week after. She said that the cost shouldn't matter because she's paying for it. She said she would never say she's doing something like this for us and then expect us to pay. Ok, that's the first thing.

 

Then we talked for a minute about the number of guests, the venue, the "type" of reception, and I told her it would be fewer than 50 people, and that I love the idea of it being very casual, almost an open house style, with food on the grill or something like that. She said she had secured the club house for the venue, and however I want to do it is fine with her. She also said she thought Sunday would be a good day because most musicians wouldn't be working, but that's not the case, so we moved the time.

 

Ok, now that it seems like there really is going to be a party, will someone please help me get excited about it? :D I'm sure I will as it gets closer, and the hubs certainly is. It's the performer in him, I suppose. He can't get enough of being the center of attention!

[AlmiraGulch]

You are going to have to sit down and talk to the friend about the venue and type of party. There is no way around that. Thank her again and tell her that you want to frankly discuss practicalities.

 

Then you are going t have to pick someone who knows pretty much everyone invited to the party and have him/her pass the work about the donations to the charity. If need be pick two someones. Don't put it on the invitation.

 

I was thinking that people would probably ask when responding to the invitation (if they even do....people are BAD about that in the South). So if my friend knows, we could tell her then.

[Parrothead]

I was thinking that people would probably ask when responding to the invitation (if they even do....people are BAD about that in the South). So if my friend knows, we could tell her then.

They are bad about it everywhere. Don't get me started on the casualness of today's society. My only hope is that standards can't get much lower before it becomes fashionable to have higher standards again.

[goldberry]

Ok, so I have to ask, since this is the perfect opportunity, and I have never understood this....

 

Why would anyone NOT want a wedding reception or other party for something special? Can you explain "not wanting to be the center of attention"? I have a friend who says this. I have never really understood it.

 

In my mind, I think, wow, I am so happy, and I have these lovely friends who are happy for me, isn't it great to be having a nice dinner and sharing our happiness together! A wedding is special, I don't see what is uncomfortable about letting your friends share and celebrate how special that is. It would never OCCUR to me to be uncomfortable, I would be so happy and so happy my friends were sharing it.

 

Help me understand!

[Dolphin]

Ok, so I have to ask, since this is the perfect opportunity, and I have never understood this....

 

Why would anyone NOT want a wedding reception or other party for something special? Can you explain "not wanting to be the center of attention"? I have a friend who says this. I have never really understood it.

 

In my mind, I think, wow, I am so happy, and I have these lovely friends who are happy for me, isn't it great to be having a nice dinner and sharing our happiness together! A wedding is special, I don't see what is uncomfortable about letting your friends share and celebrate how special that is. It would never OCCUR to me to be uncomfortable, I would be so happy and so happy my friends were sharing it.

 

Help me understand!

 

Just in the way you don't understand not wanting a party and being the center of attention, there are those of us out there that don't understand wanting the party and being the center of attention.

 

 

I personally love going to weddings, anniversary parties, dinner and other events with my friends, I just don't want to be the center of attention.

 

My dh and I got this idea in our head that we would renew our vows every 10 years. To say, "I still choose you" as our 10th anniversary was getting closer we started getting nervous and then realized it was having other people. We went to our church with our kids and our vicar and renewed our vows just the 5 of us. That is just the way we are.

 

All of you social butterflies, need us quiet wind beneath the wings types, we serve our purpose:001_smile:

[Dolphin]

Thanks for the advice. I'm really not this mousy and passive in real life! I just really have almost a phobia about this sort of thing ("this sort of thing" being a) me as the center of attention; b) fearing that no one will attend; and c) money-related conversation).

 

So.....I called her. First, I said that while we're so grateful and appreciative that she's so willing to support us in this way, we just weren't planning on the expense since we have a trip the week before, and my daughter's 16th birthday the week after. She said that the cost shouldn't matter because she's paying for it. She said she would never say she's doing something like this for us and then expect us to pay. Ok, that's the first thing.

 

Then we talked for a minute about the number of guests, the venue, the "type" of reception, and I told her it would be fewer than 50 people, and that I love the idea of it being very casual, almost an open house style, with food on the grill or something like that. She said she had secured the club house for the venue, and however I want to do it is fine with her. She also said she thought Sunday would be a good day because most musicians wouldn't be working, but that's not the case, so we moved the time.

 

Ok, now that it seems like there really is going to be a party, will someone please help me get excited about it? :D I'm sure I will as it gets closer, and the hubs certainly is. It's the performer in him, I suppose. He can't get enough of being the center of attention!

 

Keep it small, simple, and casual so that you don't need to get as nervous. I honestly have to take an anti anxiety before events like this (ie my wedding), I know that, and I relax more knowing I have my tablet to take. I try to focus on one or two people that I don't get to see often, that I KNOW are coming and get excited about seeing them and spending time with them, rather than focusing on the party.

 

I am glad you liked the donation idea:001_smile:

 

oh, and you are welcome:D

[tricia]

We just did our daughter's wedding 2 weeks ago and I know they aren't fun. If it were me I would let the whole gift thing go and let people decide for themselves. Really, that's no biggie. After all, aren't newly married couples supposed to receive gifts? And on your other matter I think I would approach the friend either through text or email and thank her for getting the ball rolling and then I would simply ask her what can I do to help pull it off. Hopefully, there will be nothing for you to do since it was her idea but at least you are inquiring about it. Good luck.

[athena1277]

Instead of just saying "No gifts, please", say something like, "Instead of a gift we would love a card with a marriage wish from your family." Then have a large basket for the cards to go into. It would be cheap and you would have something wonderful to read years later that doesn't take up much space.

[Georgiana Daniels]

I feel for you--it would stress me out, too. We did the same thing--a totally private wedding, so I understand the awkwardness that comes with it.

 

:grouphug:

 

Let her know your real feelings, otherwise they might show through anyway, and that will create a whole new situation to deal with.

[AlmiraGulch]

Ok, so I have to ask, since this is the perfect opportunity, and I have never understood this....

 

Why would anyone NOT want a wedding reception or other party for something special? Can you explain "not wanting to be the center of attention"? I have a friend who says this. I have never really understood it.

 

In my mind, I think, wow, I am so happy, and I have these lovely friends who are happy for me, isn't it great to be having a nice dinner and sharing our happiness together! A wedding is special, I don't see what is uncomfortable about letting your friends share and celebrate how special that is. It would never OCCUR to me to be uncomfortable, I would be so happy and so happy my friends were sharing it.

 

Help me understand!

 

It's hard for me to put into words, but I'd echo what dolphin said. I just don't enjoy it. In a work setting I can control and lead a room like nobody's business. I steer and guide a conversation. I can stand in front of hundreds of people and speak confidently and comfortably. I can mingle and network at business functions like a champion. No problem.

 

In social situations (well...social situations that are in honor of me!)....not so much. First, there's the fear I already stated about no one showing up. Second, I guess I'm always just the leader and planner and organizer and not accustomed to or comfortable with anyone doing it for me. I don't know why, but it is how it is and has always been that way. It isn't that I don't want to celebrate my marriage. Rather, I don't want anyone to feel compelled to celebrate with me if they don't really care one way or another. I don't want it to feel "mandatory" to them. Now I'd think that when I don't feel that way when I attend these events for others is beyond me. Call it neurosis. :D

[AlmiraGulch]

They are bad about it everywhere. Don't get me started on the casualness of today's society. My only hope is that standards can't get much lower before it becomes fashionable to have higher standards again.

It makes me SO MAD! How rude!