It shouldn't be this hard...right?

[lindsrae]

I'm kinda at the end of my rope. The I'm about to send my precious

DD to public school rope. I don't know what to do.

 

My 6 1/2 yr old fights me every day to do school. I mean, at some point during our day, she has a temper tantrum about doing her work. She says she "hates" school. It might me a math problem that causes her to think a little bit, and she will throw her pencil to the floor and say, "I can't do it!" and just lose it. (We do NOT allow this behavior in our home. We expect obedience, but this just seems like her knee-jerk reaction to anything that causes her the littlest bit of discomfort.) It's like she mentally shuts down. Sometimes I think it is almost on purpose, for attention. Sometimes I wonder if she eats too much sugar or is tired or there's some other physical reason.

 

It is just taxing. I hate conflict, and I don't want to argue with her to get her work done. I've sent her to her room for her behavior until she gets control. I've stopped doing the work with her and make her wait to do it for "homework" when her little sister gets to watch a tv program. I've given her more work to do. I've thrown up my hands and just let her go and play the rest of the day because I'm just so worn out. Just typing this out makes me realize I need to find SOMETHING and be consistent, but it just seems like nothing works, and I don't know what to do.

 

This is the last thing I want our home school experience to be. I want our family to be close and enjoy each other's company. I want her to love learning. I want to go through a school day without and temper tantrum.

 

I know there is probably nothing anyone can say because you don't know me or my child, but I just had to get this off my chest. I feel like such a failure today. I want to do what is right, I pray every day for wisdom, but we keep hitting the same walls over. and. over. and over.

[atara]

Oh i know how you feel!!! Whew!

 

Here is what helps me and this is strictly my experience, but maybe it will help.

 

I like the book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. She really talks about how are children's "stuff" is an opperutnity for us to grow and tells you how.

 

I would focus less on obedience and more on the relationship.

 

What are your daughter's highest values? Perhaps she needs her love language filled? Maybe she needs to see you be a partner and mentor for her good....

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I hope this reply is encouraging and not discouraging but I went through that with my son at that age (and my daughter at a slightly older age). For him, it was spelling and math and music - the three subjects that had a definite "right" answer. He would get so frustrated if he got even one thing wrong. I had to spend a lot of time doing what you did - consistently applying consequences for out of control behavior. I also spent a lot of time BEFORE we would even sit down for math etc. modeling what behavior I wanted him to have. So, I would tell him, "If you get a problem wrong, you need to take a deep breath, and try again. (or ask for help, or use the manipulatives or whatever would help him in that situation.)" It took about a year of modeling before one day he got a problem wrong, I steeled myself for the tantrum and he took a deep breath and said "can I use the manipulatives?"

[freesia]

I'm kinda at the end of my rope. The I'm about to send my precious

DD to public school rope. I don't know what to do.

 

My 6 1/2 yr old fights me every day to do school. I mean, at some point during our day, she has a temper tantrum about doing her work. She says she "hates" school. It might me a math problem that causes her to think a little bit, and she will throw her pencil to the floor and say, "I can't do it!" and just lose it. (We do NOT allow this behavior in our home. We expect obedience, but this just seems like her knee-jerk reaction to anything that causes her the littlest bit of discomfort.) It's like she mentally shuts down. Sometimes I think it is almost on purpose, for attention. Sometimes I wonder if she eats too much sugar or is tired or there's some other physical reason.

 

It is just taxing. I hate conflict, and I don't want to argue with her to get her work done. I've sent her to her room for her behavior until she gets control. I've stopped doing the work with her and make her wait to do it for "homework" when her little sister gets to watch a tv program. I've given her more work to do. I've thrown up my hands and just let her go and play the rest of the day because I'm just so worn out. Just typing this out makes me realize I need to find SOMETHING and be consistent, but it just seems like nothing works, and I don't know what to do.

 

This is the last thing I want our home school experience to be. I want our family to be close and enjoy each other's company. I want her to love learning. I want to go through a school day without and temper tantrum.

.

:grouphug:

It sounds like she is a perfectionist. My first born is (well, I think all mine are but he was the most dramatic!) Try to stay calm, if you can. Praise effort and attitude not product. Say, "Of course you can do it." I also say calmly, "In this family, we do hard things." Will this work in 2 days? No, sorry. But I saw growth yearly.

 

Do evaluate how long she is working? Are you trying to do too much? Are you asking her to do more writing than she is capable of doing? I'm only asking this bc it recently came out at one of our Mother's Meetings that a mother, who had been sharing her struggles with her very young first grader, was expecting him to do seat work for 5 hours a day.

 

Also, the hardest thing for me was getting over wanting my children to see school as fun. Prior to kids I had been the teacher who all the kids loved, who made school fun. I was SURE that outside the school walls my kids would LOVE school. Ha, ha, ha. They don't even love the things the kids I taught loved. As my husband says, "The school kids enjoyed you bc they were comparing you to school. Our kids compare you to Lego." You want to make things as enjoyable as possible, but they probably won't love it all. And many kids don't like to think or do hard things.

 

I also want to note, as a former first grade teacher, that 6 year old girls can also be quite "blustery." In fact many of the "best" girls in the class had Moms who came and asked me for advice bc they were so difficult and threw tantrums at home. True confession: my Mom says I was one of those girls.

 

You'll be okay, really. Keep sending her to her room (or start sending her on laps around the house--to blow of energy.)

 

eta: Reading Jean's post reminded me: Sometimes I give work and say gently, "If you run into a problem please come calmly and ask me for help. You don't need to cry or panic or throw yourself on the floor. I promise to help you."

Edited April 26, 2012 by freesia

[TheReader]

:grouphug:

 

I notice that she's your oldest, and I wonder if it's a birth order thing? Generally speaking (realize there are always exceptions), first borns tend to have more perfectionist tendencies than younger siblings. I do, and my oldest son definitely did/does.

 

When he was that age and dealing with that, much like Jean, what I did was to model for him and role play what the appropriate response should look like. Get a wrong answer? Okay, we don't throw our pencil or workbook on the floor, instead we take a deep breath, count to 5, calm down, try again. Don't crumple the whole paper, use an eraser or get a new sheet or draw one neat line through the mistake. Etc.

 

Also, I had to be sure and casually point out to him mistakes that I or his father (or other respected adults) made so that he could see grown-ups mess up too and it's okay. I pulled down scrapbooks and showed him where I'd misspelled a word, or had less space to write than I thought and had to scrunch in the letters really tiny, that kind of thing.

 

It did take a little time, maybe a year or so like Jean mentioned, but he improved.

 

Take a deep breath, try not to let it become a struggle or battle of the wills, understand that learning to work through a mistake is as much a part of learning as is the math, handwriting, etc. itself, and just model for her how you want her to respond as much as possible, just as if she does get the wrong answer in math you don't yell, send her to her room, make her save her work or whatever. No, you correct and help her figure out the right answer. Same with this reaction; she has to learn the right way, and you have to teach her.

 

Hang in there, it does improve with time. :grouphug:

[SJ.]

You are not alone OP, my oldest has been the same way. Around the same age it was an every day occurrence and would sometimes bring me to tears. I sometimes have problems still, especially when we are working on something different that ds automatically thinks he cannot do. He is a perfectionist, and the oldest, as some of the PP noticed. With our family i just stayed consistent in doing our lessons everyday letting ds know that this is just what we do everyday. I don't know if it was the consistency or that ds was just working through something but life got better, not perfect, but much better.

 

:grouphug: to you OP, I know how difficult it can be sometimes and I too thought about sending ds1 to public school. I hope things get better for your family as it did for mine.

 

SJ

[kamom]

My oldest was/is the same way!! This seems to be following a pattern with first borns!

Just to encourage you to keep modeling good behaviour. Stay very calm. I send mine out to run around the house when he gets huffy.

This might be encouraging to hear, I just read in my journal when he did his first achievment test. He cried and fussed the whole way through. I could not convince him that he is not expected to know every problem. Now three years later, we just finished the tests and not a tear was shed! Hardly even stressed him. Just keep on working with her she'll get it if you're consistent.

[Kirch]

BTDT with my oldest. Still doing that sometimes, although it is getting better. For us, I think it has been a combination of a bit more maturity, experience (lots of coming back to it after the tantrum and him letting me help--"see, it's not that bad if you let me show you how to do it!"), and lots of reminders/discussions about trying and not giving up when you don't get it right away. We used examples from other areas where his persistence paid off in the end (finaly scoring a goal in soccer, learning to ride a bike, winning at a computer game) and compared those to schoolwork. Our motto has become, "It's okay not to know. It's NOT okay not to try."

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

I like that!:001_smile:

[Kirch]

I like that!:001_smile:

 

Found that one on Pinterest! :D

[Meriwether]

I used to frequently tell the kids that if they already knew how to do something we wouldn't have to learn it in school. It helped them to know that they weren't supposed to know something at the beginning of a lesson or unit.

[MomatHWTK]

I think a part of learning to hs is learning to read our children and their individual needs. I followed a lot of the standard advice for standard children to much frustration. In the past two years, I found out that I didn't have a standard child and that's why the advice didn't work. :confused:

 

So, yes, try the various methods of encouragement and enforcement. But always keep your eyes open to your own child's special personality and needs. Do become so fixed on a solution that you forget the individuality of the child.

 

Take a step back, take some time to reconnect in a positive way with your student and then tackle the problem as a team. :001_smile:

[AK_Mom4]

I went thru this with both DS16 and DD10 at that age. Both are perfectionist and they had to LEARN and PRACTICE that it is OK to get things wrong!

 

Consistency. Talking about making mistakes BEFORE starting the lesson. Lots of patience for Mom.

 

:grouphug: This is something that definitely has gotten better as they got older!

[DianeW88]

Six is a horrible age. They cry and tantrum as much as a two year old. I HATED six (almost as much as I hated 3 1/2). Just grit your teeth...it won't last forever.

 

Oh, and just stay calm, punish the out of control nonsense, and make her do the problem again.

[lindsrae]

Glad to know I am not alone, and my DD isn't the only one who acts this way. Misery loves company, right?

 

Today we took a little break from the usual and just read most of the morning and did a little LA and math games. It was very peaceful, pleasant, and relaxed. I think I needed a little perspective and to relax a little bit. I know we will struggle with this, probably for a long time, but I want to enjoy the time we have together. Thank you SO much for the encouragement!!!

[Ellie]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Well, *my* kneejerk reaction is to tell you to put it all away--all the schoolwork, all the everything, and just do life for a few months.

 

My own dc reacted the way your dd does when they were overtaxed. It is why I took older dd out of school in the first place, because she was just burned out.

 

The Official School Stuff is not the only thing that children need to learn. In fact, left to their own devices (within reason; they may not build fires in the living room floor, for example) they will often choose to learn all sorts of things which are far more useful than ABeka's LA materials.

 

It's spring. Put it all away. And maybe reevaluate what you're doing. Maybe the materials you're using really aren't the best for her, and since she's only 6, and she knows she has to do it anyway, her only recourse is to throw her pencil on the floor.

[~Anna~]

My DD11 is like this too. She is finishing up PS this year and we will start HS this summer/fall. I was hoping this would get better once I was teaching her, but maybe I was wrong. Thanks for the suggestions, hopefully I can use some of them.

[SnowWhite]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Well, *my* kneejerk reaction is to tell you to put it all away--all the schoolwork, all the everything, and just do life for a few months.

 

My own dc reacted the way your dd does when they were overtaxed. It is why I took older dd out of school in the first place, because she was just burned out.

 

The Official School Stuff is not the only thing that children need to learn. In fact, left to their own devices (within reason; they may not build fires in the living room floor, for example) they will often choose to learn all sorts of things which are far more useful than ABeka's LA materials.

 

It's spring. Put it all away. And maybe reevaluate what you're doing. Maybe the materials you're using really aren't the best for her, and since she's only 6, and she knows she has to do it anyway, her only recourse is to throw her pencil on the floor.

 

:iagree:

 

I had this same battle with my oldest (of course). Another suggestion, if you have no choice but continue schooling at this time is to "light and easy" school. Instead of filling out a workbook, do problems on a whiteboard or chalkboard, or on the pavement outside. Give her a day of "fun school", which at our house means you get to pick the order of subjects and take as many breaks as you like so long as forward progress continues.

 

I was going to suggest manipulative play for math, when I saw you do RightStart which is mainly manipulatives. Is she perhaps ready to move beyond that and do more of a traditional math program?

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Just wanted to add that sending DD to school might not solve your problem. When ds1 was in first grade at public school, they had homework every night. So, you'll end up with the same scenario of working through math or spelling homework with her.

[lindsrae]

Just to update anyone all of you kind souls who gave great advice...

 

We have kept going with school, but I am trying to relax a bit more, trying to read aloud more (challenge Charlotte Mason), do things she likes to do...it has helped a lot, and it has helped me to re-evaluate what I want our 'school' to look like. I don't want it to be "school at home." I want us to enjoy each other and learn from each other.

 

Thank you, thank you for lending your experience and all the virtual hugs!