How to help a hoarder?

[Spryte]

I have an elderly relative who is a hoarder. She is in good health, for her age, but when the time comes ... It will fall to DH and me to take care of her house and possessions when she either moves out of her home or if the worst happens. I have been in denial about this for some time, but some recent events have me facing the facts, and it's frightening. The one positive about her home is that it is, at least, fairly clean. No food lying about, she keeps that part manageable. Just lots and lots of stuff.

 

I know that going in and trying to help organize and sort is almost impossible. I spent several winter and spring breaks during my college years doing that... And it was back to the same mess (and worse) within months. That was almost 20 years ago, and things are much, much worse now.

 

What can I do? Are there any tips? I worry about her alone in the mess, trying to dig out of it. And I worry that she won't dig herself out of it, and that DH and I will have to do it under emergency circumstances.

 

She lives about 5 hours away, but a trip to visit and help (now) is not out of the question. I just need to have a plan. DS cannot even step foot in her house, due to his cat allergy, without his asthma flaring - so it will just be me going. (Oh, Joy!)

 

She is overwhelmed by the idea of sorting everything, so my thought right now is to have her go through a room at a time and just pull out the items that are important to her. Everything else can be released. (And then I go in and purge it all - sorting into throw away or donate piles.) Would something like that work?

 

Has anyone else dealt with a hoarder relative? How did you handle it? Any tips?

 

 

 

(And, no, I've never watched a full episode of hoarders. It's too anxiety producing, given this situation!)

[Trish]

Well, I've watched enough episodes of hoarders to know that unless you're a psychologist or psyciatrist you probably can't help. The problem isn't the "stuff," it's what's going on in the head of the person. So you could do a lot of work to help her, even make great "progress" only to have it all look exactly the same a year later.

[hillfarm]

In my experience, based on working with my MIL who is a hoarder, there isn't anything other than psychological help that can even begin to change the mindset of someone with this problem.

 

It doesn't really matter if you help sort, organize, find better ways to box up the mess. Every once in a while my MIL will move things around a bit and perhaps free up one or two chairs in her living room, but within weeks, it is back to the same old mess.

 

Do NOT let a hoarder talk you into helping them get a storage shed or storage unit. They will cram it full of stuff and within months their home will be just as bad with additional stuff they have accumulated.

 

This really is a mental illness and not just a lack of focus or organization.

[AmyontheFarm]

I've given up helping my family member. When they pass away, we know that we'll be hiring a dumpster or 6 to clear out the house. When asked a few years ago if there was anything I wanted from the house, I thought carefully and told them the one thing that I would like and why. It was immediately handed over and sits lovingly displayed in my living room. My sisters want a bunch of stuff from the house and I'll simply unlock the door and tell them to take what they want, after that it all goes to the dump or donated to a thrift shop. I can't meet the home owner's emotional needs, they need help that I can not provide and I just stopped trying to meet those needs. It was so freeing for me to finally realize it. Am I embarrassed by the situation, yes. But, that's my problem and I just don't visit there unless I'm required to which occurs less than once a year since I've willingly opened my home up for them to come here instead.

[KidsHappen]

You really can't help a hoarder. They suffer from a mental illness and one that is almost impossible to manage. The best you can do is report her to the city or adult protective services. Of course, she will not be happy about this but it may be the best thing to do in the long run. I know what you are going through and I can empathize with you. My mother was a hoarder and she passed away very unexpectedly. My brother and I had to empty the house and it wasn't easy. I live in a house full of other people and we have the normal amount of clutter for a family this size that is always on the go but I can tell you, it scares me to death. My brother also seems to have a bit of a hoarding tendency and I have begged him to please not do that to me again. It really is a terrible spot o be in. :grouphug:

[Thea]

I don't believe you *can* help.

 

 

I've given up helping my family member. When they pass away, we know that we'll be hiring a dumpster or 6 to clear out the house. When asked a few years ago if there was anything I wanted from the house, I thought carefully and told them the one thing that I would like and why. It was immediately handed over and sits lovingly displayed in my living room. My sisters want a bunch of stuff from the house and I'll simply unlock the door and tell them to take what they want, after that it all goes to the dump or donated to a thrift shop. I can't meet the home owner's emotional needs, they need help that I can not provide and I just stopped trying to meet those needs. It was so freeing for me to finally realize it. Am I embarrassed by the situation, yes. But, that's my problem and I just don't visit there unless I'm required to which occurs less than once a year since I've willingly opened my home up for them to come here instead.

 

This.

 

My mother moans constantly about how I *won't help her* and THAT'S why her house looks like it does. Um, no, I won't waste days of my time moving useless items from one end of the house to the other. The condition of her house is not *my* fault. Of course, my mother insists that she is NOT a hoarder.

 

I think your only plan is going to be cleaning it up when she no longer lives there. I'm sorry. I do, unfortunately, understand.

[Laura Corin]

...has suffered from depression on-and-off for many years. She had a very disrupted childhood, living away from her parents and then sent to boarding school at seven. She didn't work after the kids left home and has never had much money. She's thrifty and can't cope with letting things go.

 

Now she blames her hoarding on being old and unwell. In fact it's been building for decades. There's nothing to be done - she needs help and won't accept it.

 

Laura

[Mergath]

Did she live through the Great Depression? That in itself can trigger hoarding tendencies, from what I've read.

 

I agree that psychological help is a must.

[Jpoy85]

I have an elderly neighbor and he was/is a hoarder. He was sick, very sick and an elderly service came to his house and said there was NO way they could even begin to work with him with his house like that. Stuff everywhere, awful bedbugs, etc. When he went into the hospital, the landlord chucked every.thing. Every Little Thing. Luckily the neighbor didnt freak out, but he still hasnt been home long enough to feel much about it. He was home about a week and then back to the hospital, where he still is.

[Mom in High Heels]

Did she live through the Great Depression? That in itself can trigger hoarding tendencies, from what I've read.

 

I agree that psychological help is a must.

 

I was thinking the same thing about the Great Depression. My grandparents lived through it and my grandmother was a food hoarder. It was awful. You could have fed a starving nation in Africa with all the food she had stored away. When she died, it was all chucked out because it was expired.

 

Dh is a hoarder and it's a constant struggle. He sees a therapist and is on medication for PTSD, which has helped a lot, but he struggles with it on a daily basis. Today I got frustrated with the amount of "stuff" that has started accumulating again and told him he had to do something. He said he realized he's been slipping lately and hasn't had it under control. He took a few black garbage bags (black because he can't see what's in it later and be tempted to take it out) and started tossing stuff. To me tossing is easy, but for him it takes real strength. He has some sort of attachment to everything, even the most minute thing he drags home, and tossing them is like throwing away a piece of himself. That seems crazy to me, but for him it's a real issue.

 

I don't think there's much you can do. Unless she's willing to get help, any work you do will be for nothing as it will just be replaced with more stuff. You may just have to accept that it's something you'll have to deal with after she's gone.

[sbgrace]

My MIL is a hoarder and so is my mother (childhood poverty likely the trigger for both). Anyway, you can't help a hoarder in my experience. If she's really motivated encourage and support her in getting appropriate therapy. The OCD foundation has a website with information specifically about hoarding http://www.ocfoundation.org/hoarding/ The section here talks about how to try to encourage her to get therapy http://www.ocfoundation.org/hoarding/family.aspx It all seems spot on to me. They also have a link where you can find lists of therapists who specialize in OCD (and, I assume, hoarding).

 

Whatever you do will be undone in time and will come with a lot of baggage if you get rid of anything or "encourage" her to get rid of something when she really doesn't want to. If you do go be a cheerleader and supporter rather than a suggester or doer.

 

My MIL is trying because my FIL is at the end of his patience. I'm encouraging her, cheering her on, etc. Recently she told me I could give away books she has given my children which they have outgrown. This is a big, huge thing for her as one of her major hoarding issues are books and I was to return them to her when the boys were done with them.

 

I still told her I'll hold them for a week or two and she can change her mind with no issue. I don't want her to regret getting rid of something if I had any part in it. My mother still has resentment over a clean out (of garbage...truly) and reorganization I did 10 years ago. I don't regret it because my father was in such bad shape mentally but it was damaging to my mom and our relationship.

 

Tread carefully and :grouphug:

 

Oh, I'll be the one cleaning out both homes. After she is gone my plan (should the hoarder outlive their spouses) is to have children take what they want, garbage the garbage (in my mom's case) and auction the rest. Around here they will auction boxes of misc. stuff. Whatever you do now isn't going to impact what you'll have to do later in most hoarding cases anyway unless there is therapy and a lot of work on the hoarder's part. Stuff replaces any stuff removed typically. I don't watch the show either but read somewhere that even that hoarding show with the professionals has a dismal long term success rate. The people go back to their hoarding. It's sad. Oh, here's an article on that specifiically http://unclutterer.com/2010/06/03/hoarding-why-forced-cleanouts-are-unsuccessful/

Edited April 25, 2012 by sbgrace

[Krista in LA]

Agree with everyone else, you can't really help a hoarder just like you can't help an alcoholic or drug addict. My mother is a hoarder and my db and I already have planned out how we are going to handle it all when our parents are both gone. My mom was recently diagnosed with Alzheimers so now we have a bit of hope that we might be able to clean things out before she's actually gone as they will probably need to move somewhere close to family. It might mean that we load a truck with the things they really want to keep and then go back and get rid of the rest and hope she forgets about it. She probably won't be able to drive much longer which will make it harder to replenish.

[Catwoman]

I agree with everyone else. I don't think you can help her, and unless the hoarding is actually causing her physical illness or harm, I think you may do her more harm than good by trying to help her, because it could be extremely upsetting for her to confront the issue.

 

I think the best thing you can do is to help her if she asks for it, but otherwise, to leave her as she is. When she eventually passes away, if the clean-out is too monumental an effort (and it might be, if she has a ton of stuff,) you can always hire someone to clear out the house for you.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your family member, and I know her living conditions are stressful for you, but unless she's miserable, I think it might be best to let her live as she wishes.

[Lawana]

I have an elderly relative who is a hoarder. She is in good health, for her age, but when the time comes ... It will fall to DH and me to take care of her house and possessions when she either moves out of her home or if the worst happens. I have been in denial about this for some time, but some recent events have me facing the facts, and it's frightening. The one positive about her home is that it is, at least, fairly clean. No food lying about, she keeps that part manageable. Just lots and lots of stuff.

 

I know that going in and trying to help organize and sort is almost impossible. I spent several winter and spring breaks during my college years doing that... And it was back to the same mess (and worse) within months. That was almost 20 years ago, and things are much, much worse now.

 

What can I do? Are there any tips? I worry about her alone in the mess, trying to dig out of it. And I worry that she won't dig herself out of it, and that DH and I will have to do it under emergency circumstances.

 

She lives about 5 hours away, but a trip to visit and help (now) is not out of the question. I just need to have a plan. DS cannot even step foot in her house, due to his cat allergy, without his asthma flaring - so it will just be me going. (Oh, Joy!)

 

She is overwhelmed by the idea of sorting everything, so my thought right now is to have her go through a room at a time and just pull out the items that are important to her. Everything else can be released. (And then I go in and purge it all - sorting into throw away or donate piles.) Would something like that work?

 

Has anyone else dealt with a hoarder relative? How did you handle it? Any tips?

 

 

 

(And, no, I've never watched a full episode of hoarders. It's too anxiety producing, given this situation!)

 

If she is able to do this, I don't think she has a bad case of hoarding. In my experience with hoarders in the family, *everything* is important. They cannot prioritize and assign grades of value. Everything is equally valuable. Hence, they can't let anything go.

[oraetstudia]

I agree with everyone else, I don't see any help for the person. I have a relative like this. She has plenty of money and is young enough to keep at it for a good while yet. It will take years to empty her multiple houses that are all full of stuff, especially since most of it is nice enough that it should just be tossed in a dumpster. It is depressing to visit.