Why are toys mentioned when speaking to abusive parents?

[amo_mea_filiis.]

"i dont abuse my my kid, he has x amount of toys, ask anyone."

 

How is this even relevant?

 

Or claiming to over do something - saying kid takes 2-3 baths per day when they still have dried blood on them from a kid fall two days ago.

 

Seriously, i dont get it. Saying that your child has thousands of dollars of toys, and/or lying about care does not make you seem less abusive.

 

Thats all, off to laundry because i cannot afford to put my kids in new outfits every single day and i have no problems saying so.

[Tree House Academy]

LOL - I have never heard that before, but I agree...not relevant.

[happyhomemaker]

I've never heard anyone say that before, but I don't think I have been around a parent who is being accused of abuse now that I think about it. I don't get the correlation either. I do have an extended family member that does something similar. When presented with something she has done wrong, she points out some random nice thing she has done for you in the past and then acts like that either cancels out what she has done and you are ungrateful or she could not have possibly done what you are saying because she has done this other nice thing which means she is nice and could not do anything mean ever. It's SO frustrating and upsetting to deal with. I have a feeling that those abused kids will experience something similar when they get older and confront their parents about their upbringings. So sad!

Edited April 22, 2012 by happyhomemaker

[Farrar]

I've heard that before... he's not abused/neglected/unloved because he has piles of video games and toys. I think it's part of the ways in which parents equate love with material goods instead of time, nurturing and caring - you know, actual love.

[ssavings]

Maybe they make themselves feel better by buying the DC toys & such, so that's what they jump to in an attempt to prove their love?

[LaxMom]

I've not heard that one, but I overheard a loud, profane telephone conversation by a woman who, shall we say, had all the characteristics one would normally attribute to someone one would call a "crack ho". She was complaining about social services investigating her and her comment to the person on the other end was an indignant "I told her, my kids eat EVERY day." :001_huh: I rather thought that was an odd thing to say... I mean, my kids eat more than once a day.

 

But then...

 

A few months later, she's walking down the street again and decides to get belligerent with one of my neighbors, who happened to be outside (and who is no prize himself). She's screaming at him about wanting money, yadda, yadda, and he says "keep walking, crackhead," to which she replies (and I am not making this up) "I ain't no crackhead. I eat EVERY day!"

 

No idea.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Another to cps "look! I have plenty of food, so leave me alone." Wonderful that you have food, but is the child fed?!

 

People complain about reporter that they had never done anything wrong to that person, so why did that person call? It has nothing to do with how you treated the reporter! Its how you treated your child in front of that mandated reporter. :banghead:

[SKL]

I have heard "of" that argument, but have not heard it in person.

 

Maybe these folks were both abused and deprived of "nice things" when they were little, so they feel both indicate mistreatment.

 

On the flip side, I had some friends over with their kid for the first time this Christmas. Their kid and my two are all 5yo. It was suggested that my kids have too many toys to leave room for creativity. (I would have probably said the same thing before I had kids with ridiculously indulgent aunties.)

[Parrothead]

I've not heard that one, but I overheard a loud, profane telephone conversation by a woman who, shall we say, had all the characteristics one would normally attribute to someone one would call a "crack ho". She was complaining about social services investigating her and her comment to the person on the other end was an indignant "I told her, my kids eat EVERY day." :001_huh: I rather thought that was an odd thing to say... I mean, my kids eat more than once a day.

 

But then...

 

A few months later, she's walking down the street again and decides to get belligerent with one of my neighbors, who happened to be outside (and who is no prize himself). She's screaming at him about wanting money, yadda, yadda, and he says "keep walking, crackhead," to which she replies (and I am not making this up) "I ain't no crackhead. I eat EVERY day!"

 

No idea.

Hmmm.. because crack addicts don't eat - much.

 

If it wasn't so dangerous, not to mention illegal, I could use a bit of crack to help shed the excess weight. :D

[Rivka]

Gently, I think it's time to detach yourself from this case. You've done what you can.

[garddwr]

I've not heard that one, but I overheard a loud, profane telephone conversation by a woman who, shall we say, had all the characteristics one would normally attribute to someone one would call a "crack ho". She was complaining about social services investigating her and her comment to the person on the other end was an indignant "I told her, my kids eat EVERY day." :001_huh: I rather thought that was an odd thing to say... I mean, my kids eat more than once a day.

 

But then...

 

A few months later, she's walking down the street again and decides to get belligerent with one of my neighbors, who happened to be outside (and who is no prize himself). She's screaming at him about wanting money, yadda, yadda, and he says "keep walking, crackhead," to which she replies (and I am not making this up) "I ain't no crackhead. I eat EVERY day!"

 

No idea.

 

This makes me think there may have been a time in her past--when she was a child? when she didn't eat every day. A person who has experienced worse abuse or neglect may reasonably feel that they are doing right by their children because they treat them well relative to their own experience--even if that treatment looks abusive/neglectful to someone with a better background.

[justamouse]

I've heard that before... he's not abused/neglected/unloved because he has piles of video games and toys. I think it's part of the ways in which parents equate love with material goods instead of time, nurturing and caring - you know, actual love.

:iagree:

[Tarreymere]

I agree, that makes no sense. It reminds me of parents who say,"we don't watch much TV." However, they somehow don't think hours of dvd's, netflix, etc don't count.

My biggest peeve about parents concerns those that take every darn thing out of a child's room except for the bed, then they have to "earn" it back ( I'm talking about young kids who misbehave; minor stuff, to me). Those people should be prison wardens, not parents.

 

 

I disagree. I'm not running a luxury hotel either. What do you think kids 'need' to have in the bedroom? Just a bed, really. I don't have a problem with people who give their kids a few luxuries and then take them away if the child won't behave. Some kids really take their material blessings for granted.

 

Pretty much the only thing IN my kids' rooms are the beds. They all share rooms with their sibs. Their private space is on their bed and on the shelf on the back of the bed. Not much room for 'stuff'.

 

Their dressers are in my room because some of the grandkids like to pull clothes out of the drawers and throw them on the ground. I can monitor this better if the dressers are in my room since my room is off the kitchen, plus the younger kids use my bathroom (bigger tub). Ideally I would like to have a combination bathroom/laundry room and keep everyone's clothes in there for storage instead of in a dresser.

 

The books are in the living room and the kitchen because that is where the bookshelves are. We only have one tv, one dvd player and no handheld electronics, so no screens in the bedrooms, we don't have radios, and whatever lamp I put in there is broken inside of a week. They do have a few toys in there but not much compared to most people.

 

So, I don't get how that is so bad or is a 'punishment'. I think the punishment is losing the priviledge of playing with whatever toy or gadget was removed and that is fine by me. I don't feel I need to create a wonderland for a child in his or her room. They just need a place to sleep, after all. My room isn't exactly a wonderland either, with several dressers and stacked bins of clothes (and yarn). We don't have electronics or stuff in our own room.

[pqr]

My biggest peeve about parents concerns those that take every darn thing out of a child's room except for the bed, then they have to "earn" it back ( I'm talking about young kids who misbehave; minor stuff, to me). Those people should be prison wardens, not parents.

 

 

Understand:

 

1. what may be minor to you may not be to someone else, lying comes to mind.

2. having children earn back privileges is a perfectly acceptable method of parenting. "Until you do X you have lost the privilege of watching TV, playing outside, reading that particular book" etc. All are perfectly normal methods of discipline. I may not use them, you may not use them, but I would never condemn a parent who does.

3. One of the main reasons that children have things taken out of a room in inability to keep a room tidy. "If you do not put away X you will have it taken out." Again this is a reasonable means of enforcing standards.

4. Comparing a parent who may use a methods of discipline different than yours to running a prison is highly offensive and utterly incorrect. To argue that they should not be parents only compounds the degree of offense.

 

Once again we see the "I know better" attitude that seems to pervade some threads. If you do not wish to use such a method then do not, but do not attack every parent who does. I am certain that there are parents on this board who remove items from children's bedrooms; or in cases that they view as being egregious everything.

Condemn parents for children who misbehave; condemn parents who let education lapse; report parents who abuse but this..... really?

Edited April 22, 2012 by pqr

[nertsmommy]

*raises hand*

I have removed all toys from my kids' room. Two weeks they were warned to clean up or the toys would be taken. I even offered to help clean up because it was a really big mess for a 4 & 5 year old. They chose to watch me clean instead of helping. I packed up everything in their room except the stuffed animal they slept with. I kept the stuff for 1 week then all of us put everything away. I have not had to ask them to clean up their room more than twice in one day since.

They did have toys in living room to play with, just not in their room.

Did it work? Yes.

Do the kids think I'll do it again? Yes.

Will I ever do that again? No, it was a lot of work on my part. There was an added good side for me though. I was able to purge a lot of stuff that they didn't play with anymore and had forgotten they had. They willingly chose things to permanently get rid of.

 

Back to OPs question, I have heard the same thing. I also heard a parent say that she didn't abuse her kid (1 yr) because she was allowed to watch TV anytime she wanted. The poor little girl was put in a highchair in front of the TV for most of the day.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Gently, I think it's time to detach yourself from this case. You've done what you can.

 

I am. This is how they were raised, probably how their parents were raised, and so on.

 

I try to find the good in everything- my almost two years here has given me something to watch out for when we move sometime next year (observe all local parks!).

[swellmomma]

I've not heard that one, but I overheard a loud, profane telephone conversation by a woman who, shall we say, had all the characteristics one would normally attribute to someone one would call a "crack ho". She was complaining about social services investigating her and her comment to the person on the other end was an indignant "I told her, my kids eat EVERY day." :001_huh: I rather thought that was an odd thing to say... I mean, my kids eat more than once a day.

 

But then...

 

A few months later, she's walking down the street again and decides to get belligerent with one of my neighbors, who happened to be outside (and who is no prize himself). She's screaming at him about wanting money, yadda, yadda, and he says "keep walking, crackhead," to which she replies (and I am not making this up) "I ain't no crackhead. I eat EVERY day!"

 

No idea.

 

Well for the comments about kids eating everyday, I can see someone saying that and meaning several times a day. WHen we were investigated CPS specifically asked if my kids ate daily, and then wanted to know how many times a day. WHen dd12 told them she ate 2 meals and snacks a day instead of 3 they flipped about me not feeding her. DD often sleeps past breakfast and gets up when it is time for morning snack. So I can see being frustrated and saying my kids eat every day to someone else and not explain further.

 

OP I heard that line my whole life, not about abuse but about feeling loved and wanted. If I try to talk to my parents about what it felt like growing up, how it still feels my mom will go on a rant of how they bought me xyz, and paid for abc and that was proof of love. Gifts is not my love language, that was the only way my parents showed affection. They did not praise, or hug, or cheer on. THey pointed out your short comings and bought things. That is the "proof" they still cling to that they were good parents. THat they bought us x number toys, or took us to y place etc. They still do that. It works to my advantage because it means I get lots of stuff but it doesn't equate to love or good parenting imo.

 

Now the child in question may not be being abused. I wasn't. BUT if the parent's love language is gift giving that may be what the relate to in proving they do not abuse their kid kwim.

[Kathryn]

Maybe they make themselves feel better by buying the DC toys & such, so that's what they jump to in an attempt to prove their love?

 

:iagree:

 

Understand:

 

1. what may be minor to you may not be to someone else, lying comes to mind.

2. having children earn back privileges is a perfectly acceptable method of parenting. "Until you do X you have lost the privilege of watching TV, playing outside, reading that particular book" etc. All are perfectly normal methods of discipline. I may not use them, you may not use them, but I would never condemn a parent who does.

3. One of the main reasons that children have things taken out of a room in inability to keep a room tidy. "If you do not put away X you will have it taken out." Again this is a reasonable means of enforcing standards.

4. Comparing a parent who may use a methods of discipline different than yours to running a prison is highly offensive and utterly incorrect. To argue that they should not be parents only compounds the degree of offense.

 

Once again we see the "I know better" attitude that seems to pervade some threads. If you do not wish to use such a method then do not, but do not attack every parent who does. I am certain that there are parents on this board who remove items from children's bedrooms; or in cases that they view as being egregious everything.

Condemn parents for children who misbehave; condemn parents who let education lapse; report parents who abuse but this..... really?

 

:iagree: also. We used to do this. Now we are even worse! All of his toys are kept in his closet, which is locked when we want. He has access to his books at all times, but toys are not a right and I have no qualms about removing access to them.

[LaxMom]

About the "I feed my kids EVERY day!" comment:

 

Depending on how that lady was raised, it could be that she was NOT fed every day, hence the fact that she feeds them every day could be quite an accomplishment. There are (sadly) a lot of kids today in this situation. There is a program here in SA which sends home backpacks of self-serve food with elementary children on Fridays when school lets out. There are too many kids who eat breakfast and lunch at school, and don't eat again until they come back to school the next day. So this program discreetly sends home backpacks of food on Fridays (or holidays) so the kids can eat over the weekends. Sadly, many times the parents find out about it and sell the food for drug money. If only THOSE parents would feed their kids every day...

 

Good point (from all who made it). I suppose I didn't even consider that she may have come from a background of not frequent enough meals. It, frankly, seems like crazy talk in an area of such abundance (I realize it's not, just saying it seems lik it should be)

 

I still think it's a peculiar retort for being called a crackhead, though.

Edited May 22, 2012 by MyCrazyHouse