Do some children never become independent?

[mhaddon]

I ask because I can see my oldest being this way with school. Always needing me by his side, always asking for help, never working alone. He is a sociable person to begin with and hates school. I have tried every piece of advice given on the help me threads. So I wonder if some children outgrow it in time, or if some never do... I am at wits end. I know I shouldn't expect him to do everything alone in first grade, but I need him to work for just a few minutes at times while I change a diaper, clean up a mess, or get a workbook and crayons down for a sibling. He can't work without me on top of him for even a second. And at times even when I'm right next to him!!!j

 

 

ETA: His younger brother can work on a book after I get him started, so I guess that is why I worry...

[Parrothead]

He is six, yes? It will probably take more time. Dd is 12 and not totally independent.

[wapiti]

:iagree: six is too young!

 

It does depend on the subject and how the curriculum is set up, as well as the challenge level for the particular kiddo, but for anything I can think of, six is way too young. Look for some gradually increasing independence around 10-11 y.o.

[mhaddon]

I sure hope so! I just wonder because his younger brother is way more independent and will tell me to leave him alone he can do it! :glare:

[RootAnn]

* I would not be worried yet about a kid "never" becoming independent at 6.

 

* Every kid is different. Their personalities/needs will play a big part on when they can show some independence.

 

* At six, I wouldn't expect a kid to be independent about much. If they are, great. If they aren't, keep supporting them as much as you can and gradually move toward independence in ONE subject or for a just a few minutes in whatever one subject you think will work best.

 

My oldest is very needy about me being nearby while she works, but she is MUCH BETTER than she was. It wasn't until 3rd grade that I was able to get ANY independence out of her and that was only in one subject, for 15 minutes a few times per week, after holding her hand for weeks with that subject & then gradually weaning myself down from 15 min to 10 to 5 to 1 to "Pull out your <grammar> and do the next lesson. Let me know after reading it if you have any questions. I'll be right here."

 

My second oldest is needy in her "tough" subjects but can be independent for some. She's a lot less needy overall than dd#1.

 

My dd#3 is semi-independent. She'll take off on her own on something and can read enough herself to follow directions. (Shockingly, she actually sometimes DOES read them before starting something.)

 

I anticipate that ds#1 will be the same as dd#1 and that ds#2 will be either like dd#2 or dd#3.

[TracyR]

At six, no I would not expect them to work independently with their school work.

My oldest is 14 and is just now becoming more independent. I found though that independent type curriculum helps.

So we use a mix of Ace, Alpha Omega , and CLE. Even then I wouldn't expect a 6yr old to be independent , unless its their nature. I have one daughter that is is 8 and she likes to work on her own.

 

For a 6yr old I would get something a level lower for him to work on if you need to divert your attention away from him. I know with my 5yr old if I need to do something that is going to take more than a few minutes of my time I buy coloring books, or the Rod and Staff ABC series workbooks, those she CAN do on her own because they are very easy for her. So find something that would be super easy. Even if its an easy worksheet printed from your computer. Children that age can only independently work on material they've already mastered.

 

Dd #1 was very, very needy for a very long time. Up until this year. Finally at age 14 she is able to do most work on her own. With the exception of writing.

 

Dd #2 is very needy still. More independent than dd#1 is but she also has some learning disabilities. Even when I go over stuff then send her on her own she forgets shortly after I step away. Its more of a matter of her forgetting things due to short term memory issues rather than being 'needy'. She is 12

 

Dd#3 - EXTREMELY independent. Has been since birth I swear. I go over it, she's good, then she wants to go off and do it herself. She is not needy in the least.

 

Dd#4 - is pretty independent.. she is only 5, but is my advanced child. She reads above grade level, does math above grade level, spells well already for a 5yr old. She likes for me to teach her and she likes to really give it a go herself first. So I think she'll follow in daughter #3's footsteps.

 

 

Even then, I would also get the other kids set up before working with him. I've found the older my girls have gotten the more I can walk away.

I never thought my oldest would EVER work independently. Now, she rarely asks for help , only for things she truly doesn't understand. So, yes, there is hope. LOL

Edited April 22, 2012 by TracyR

[SkateLeft]

As others have said, give it time. :D Some kids can do it earlier than others, but most of them eventually get there.

 

My oldest is very independent. My 10yo is actually more independent than my 13yo, who is just now getting to the point where she doesn't need me to sit on her all the time to get her work done. My 6yo isn't independent at all. They all develop at different rates!

[sagira]

I clicked on this thread thinking that I would get suggestions for my almost nine-year-old :) Nah, six is too young to worry about that. Frequent breaks are the order of the day.

[Ellie]

I ask because I can see my oldest being this way with school. Always needing me by his side, always asking for help, never working alone. He is a sociable person to begin with and hates school. I have tried every piece of advice given on the help me threads. So I wonder if some children outgrow it in time, or if some never do... I am at wits end. I know I shouldn't expect him to do everything alone in first grade, but I need him to work for just a few minutes at times while I change a diaper, clean up a mess, or get a workbook and crayons down for a sibling. He can't work without me on top of him for even a second. And at times even when I'm right next to him!!!j

 

 

ETA: His younger brother can work on a book after I get him started, so I guess that is why I worry...

He's only 6? Girl, you're worrying way too much about independence!

 

Also, if I had a 6yo who already "hated" school, I'd be seriously studying my methods and instructional materials to see what I could change. Learning should be way more enjoyable for a 6yo. :-)

[Tanikit]

Can he play alone - I think playing alone needs to come before you expect him to do school work alone. At 6 you could try to work towards getting him to colour a picture by himeslf for a few minutes and he should be able to build with lego for a few minutes or even entertain himeslf in the garden by himself for a short while if it is safe. Second children in general have not had as much attention lavished on them during babyhood because adults are busy with older children a lot so most are naturally more independent - they also have an older brother/sister to copy so don't need to cling to their parents as much. And then it could just be a personality thing - some children just need someone around - I actually used to sit doing homework at the kitchen table when I was younger not because I couldn't do it by myself but because I liked to be around people.

[SonshineLearner]

Oh my gosh... when I saw this I figured your child was in Highschool!!! It's not even practical to think that a 6 year old will do it themselves. Don't worry!! All is normal!! You wish he could (normal to wish) and he just can't (normal). It'll get better.... ask someone else when. My son is 8.5yrs and it's not even close.

[MomatHWTK]

He's 6 and your finishing up first grade with him this spring? So first grade started when he was 5 or a very young 6? I'm calling my 6 y.o. (will be 7 in August) a first grader simply for convenience, but I wouldn't say he's doing full "first grade" work. He is very good at working on things that all the kids do as a group- each one has a page of copy work, we all do a grammar lesson together, we have verbal "pop quizzes" and read-alouds. But I wouldn't turn my back on him and leave him with a math sheet.

 

It's probably a little easier for a 4 y.o. to do the work in their book than in the 6 y.o.'s math book, right? So the two probably aren't comparable.

 

My oldest does have serious trouble working on some things along because of a processing disorder. Thus, it is possible that a student may not be independent for some time, if ever. Your students are all so young. Spend the time you need now to find the style and curricula that work for you and them. It will make the coming years so much easier. ;)

Edited April 22, 2012 by MomatHWTK

[twoxcell]

I would not expect ANY independence from a 6 year old boy.;) Now of course there are some 6 year olds who can work independently.

[mhaddon]

He won't play alone, calls someone into the bathroom, and even wants his brother to shower with him. I mean he has to have someone around him all the time!! I don't expect him to do it all alone. I just need him to try if I have to leave the room for a minute or two. He also constantly is asking if something is ok. I've tried many different things and all he enjoys is playing outside and art. He really despises school otherwise. I have always read to him and my others love school. Ugh.

[Carrie12345]

I just listened to SWB's mp3 on getting students to be "independent". Give it a whirl!

 

6 is definitely not an age to be concerned about. It's a long, gradual process, and it's going to vary by kid.

[MomatHWTK]

He may have some other issue going on, you may need to move from "ugh" to "what can we do to help him overcome." KWIM? I don't have a "normal" experience to go from so I'm probably over reactive. My child went from quirky at 7 to serious issues at 9. But if your DS wants someone with him all the time, you might consider seeing a behavioral specialist just to see if it falls within the norm for his age range. (One of the issues we are dealing with is anxiety.)

[Jeeves]

He won't play alone, calls someone into the bathroom, and even wants his brother to shower with him. I mean he has to have someone around him all the time!! I don't expect him to do it all alone. I just need him to try if I have to leave the room for a minute or two. He also constantly is asking if something is ok. I've tried many different things and all he enjoys is playing outside and art. He really despises school otherwise. I have always read to him and my others love school. Ugh.

 

I was where you were 5 years ago! My oldest was just like that. The biggest thing that I did that helped was this:

 

At a time when things are not stressful AT ALL (i.e. when baby is taking a nap, all children are in fairly good moods), have him (and any other children who are awake, if you want) sit on a chair with a book and set a timer for 5 minutes. Tell him we are practicing sitting still and being quiet. Tell him that it's only for a few minutes. Sit in the room with him, but don't interact--read your own book! If he tries to engage you, listen politely, respond, and remind him of being quiet and reading to himself. When the timer goes off, praise him! Do it again the next day and the next and then start lengthening the time. We would get up to 15 or 20 minutes and that was about enough. Then, when you have to go change that diaper right in the middle of the spelling lesson, you can say to him, "let's do a little sitting and being quiet right now while I go and change the baby." You can even set the timer, if it makes it more routine for him (can you tell what kind of kid I have?!? :))--leave him with a book and see how he does. The diligence it takes to sit quietly by himself helps during the times when you are doing something else, even if he isn't continuing to work on his school work.

 

And, even with this training, if he's like my oldest, he may still like you RIGHT THERE even when he's 10, but he can cope if you can't (or won't! ;)) stay with him. But right now, it'll give you some peace when you need to deal with something or someone other than him.

 

Hope the helps!

[Tanikit]

I would probably get him engrossed in playing outside or doing an art project then and when he is most enjoying it tell him you need to leave the room/come inside for a couple of minutes and do so - come back really quickly though. Then keep doing that but only when he is really busy and enjoying something so that it costs him to have to follow you. If he can get used to be by himself for very short periods when he is doing something he enjoys he will realise that he doesn't have to be with you ro someone else all the time. Do the same if he is playing with his siblings. And if he follows you then just ignore him and get on with what you have to do and only give him back attention when you get back to where you both were before.

[Mom22ns]

He's only 6? Girl, you're worrying way too much about independence!

 

Also, if I had a 6yo who already "hated" school, I'd be seriously studying my methods and instructional materials to see what I could change. Learning should be way more enjoyable for a 6yo. :-)

 

:iagree:

 

If his little brother is more independent, great! But don't ask him to be his brother. Let him be a normal 6 yo. Normal 6 yo do not school independently! Almost no 6 yo will do something they hate independently. You need to make some changes.

 

:grouphug:

[chepyl]

At four my son would sit and do 30 pages of a kindergarten workbook, at 5 he would do half a page of math on his own and pages and pages of phonics. At six, however, I have to stay on top of him to do one workbook page total!

 

Is the work too hard or too easy? Is he burned out from a year of school?

 

Some kids don't play well alone, my sister needed a playmate through middle school. Then she would read and things alone, but preferred to be with friends. She was very social, still is. I always preferred to be alone. I needed quiet time, she needed constant social interaction. It was just the two of us....made for some crazy fights in the teen years ;)

 

Don't worry, he will get better with time.

[mhaddon]

Oh yes DS is 5 and he is working through the MUS primer workbook like crazy and has almost caught up to his older brother :glare: I ask if things are too easy/hard all the time to make sure. Ask him if he needs more help. But I think he just wants me next to him or to do it all for him. We have reading issues. He is very social and will play outside, but has to have someone outside as well. He drives me crazy at times. I'm not sure what I've done wrong. He has started reversing a lot of letters and numbers again recently and will write two digit numbers backwards and is still having trouble reading. I'm worried something is going on and DH tells me he's a normal boy and not to worry.

[chepyl]

Oh yes DS is 5 and he is working through the MUS primer workbook like crazy and has almost caught up to his older brother :glare: I ask if things are too easy/hard all the time to make sure. Ask him if he needs more help. But I think he just wants me next to him or to do it all for him. We have reading issues. He is very social and will play outside, but has to have someone outside as well. He drives me crazy at times. I'm not sure what I've done wrong. He has started reversing a lot of letters and numbers again recently and will write two digit numbers backwards and is still having trouble reading. I'm worried something is going on and DH tells me he's a normal boy and not to worry.

 

I would have him checked out if he started backsliding. That is different than just needing a person around. I don't have specific advice about what to get checked, I would assume vision, but there could be other things to have checked out.

[woolybear]

Six is young, but I have found workboxes to be very helpful in this regard.

[Tracy]

I worry more about my ds4 who wants to be independent than I do about my dd7 who needs me at her side 24/7. Ds is already doing all sorts of things on his own, but he is learning them wrong! And when I try to show him, he yells at me. I am going to be spending all my days undoing what he has learned.