help with consequence...it's a whopper.

[dorothy]

DD11 stole $100 from her cousin and $20 from her sister - all in the last 24 hours. She says she knew what she was doing was wrong but did it anyway because we could use it toward our summer trip.:001_huh:

 

This is NOTHING that would even enter our universe. DH and I are completely dumbstruck that this could even happen. We have not doled out a consequence (besides returning the money immediately and confessing to cousin/sister) because we don't even know what to do. It never occured to us that our kid would do this. Naive, huh?

 

Please help.

 

Thanks.

[Sophia]

just wanted to give you a hug:grouphug:

 

Our dc have blown us away with unexpected behavior too, and it's a sickening feeling.

 

I'm sure you'll get some good advice.

[Karen sn]

When this happened two times within a VERY short period - we went to the Sheriff's Office. Dd had a seat while I spoke to receptionist. I asked for the biggest meanest looking deputy to come explain to my dd what would happen if she continued on this path.

 

After what probably seemed like an eternity to my very scared 8yo - 2 deputies came out and let her know what the consequences are if she continues down this road. At the same time - they also spoke with her about her potential to do better and be productive and the ability to go down the right road.

 

I will not tolerate stealing or lying AT ALL!

 

Almost 3 years later - no problem in the theft department. And I brought it up a few months ago about that day at the Sheriff's Department - she cried. I do not think my dd will be stealing ever again.

 

Should also mention we have 3 very nice Sheriff's Deputies that live in my neighborhood - she plays with their kids and is not traumatized when they come home in uniform. I like the Sheriff's Department over the City Police anyday!

[Sue G in PA]

Just wanted to offer a :grouphug:, too. My ds10 surprised us by stealing some candy a few months ago from our local grocery store. It shocked us as much as this shocked you. NEVER in a million years would we expect that from ANY of our dc. But, kids will be kids. Besides returning the money and apologizing, I'm not sure what I'd do. Perhaps a written letter of apology? For my ds10, he was not allowed inside that store for a month after and if by chance I HAD to take him...he stuck by my side like glue while we were there. But, your situation is different. I'm sorry I can't think of some better suggestions.

[BlsdMama]

Well, was there a purpose? I'd think if there was a purpose that I'd make sure the opposite happened. For example if the purpose was for clothing, that child would be donating a very painfully large portion of her clothing to the needy.

 

If you believe in biblical punishment, I believe the correct punishment, correct me if I'm wrong, is restitution - giving back the sum plus the sum again. She'd have to earn it and I think I'd think of several extraordinarily difficult ways to earn it.

 

That said, one sin isn't greater than another. We're all very tempted, whether it be a white lie, or something far worse. She's young, she gave into temptation... And while I would come down on her very hard, I'd also give her the grace of forgiveness.

[Faithr]

Hmmm. Maybe testing limits? Acting out in some way? A plea for attention? Gosh, what goes on in a kid's mind sometimes? Anyway, you did right to have her return the money and confess. I would let her know just how horrified you are. I would require her to write a letter to you and dh explaining why she did such a thing. This is so she'd really have to think things through about her actions and consequences. I would also get a read aloud that has to do with developing character (trying to think of one) and then I'd read it with her and discuss it. I would focus more on character development with her. She might need more intensive focus on that than you have previously assumed.

 

Probably I'd do something punitive too since it is such a serious thing she did. Grounding. . . .

 

I would not involve the police though. Around here at least they are busy dealing with murders, drugs, gangs etc and I wouldn't want to use taxpayer money to teach my kids. I'd rather handle it at home.

 

For what its worth I remember shoplifting with a friend around that age. I grew out of it very quickly as I was scared to death! It was just for thrill of it and to go along with my friend. Maybe it's an immature impulse that hits kids sometimes around that age?

 

Don't know if I"ve been helpful.

[Kathleen in VA]

If you believe in biblical punishment, I believe the correct punishment, correct me if I'm wrong, is restitution - giving back the sum plus the sum again. She'd have to earn it and I think I'd think of several extraordinarily difficult ways to earn it.

 

:iagree: If she had any idea how hard it was to earn $100 she might think twice in the future. Most children don't equate money with work. They really do think it grows on trees and is easily replaced. Once when we were out running errands, my children asked if we could go to McDonald's. I explained that I didn't have any money for such an outing and my son, then about 5yo, said, "Let's just go to the grocery store and get some." He had seen me get cash back from a transaction and thought it was free I guess.:)

 

Anyway, if she had to earn $100 and hand it over without receiving anything in return, she'd soon learn how much that hurts and would be less likely to do it someone else again.

[Laura K (NC)]

The idea of "Pay it forward," I think, is if someone does you a kindness, and you want to pay it back, that person suggests instead that you pay it forward and do a kindness to someone else.

 

Since your daughter has caused some people to feel pain, maybe she could go forward and cause other people joy to make up for it. She could volunteer time at a food bank. Maybe she could collect food in your neighborhood -- she doesn't need to say why she's doing it. I am always hearing how food banks are suffering from the increase of food prices. She could do a number of other good deeds to make up for the bad deed she did to restore equilibrium in her soul. She should do something extra nice for the cousin and sister, too. Maybe she could make them some cookies or brownies. She should probably think of something on her own that will make her sister and cousin happy.

 

This is what I would do.

[clwcain]

May I recommend flogging and a trip to the salt mines?

 

"We keep you alive to serve this ship. Row well and live."

 

Sorry, let me attempt to be constructive.

 

If this is unusual behavior, I'd try to discover the why and the rationale. It could be something curiously innocent, stemming from an inadequate understanding of private property. Not every petty thief is a blackguard of the deepest dye.

[Laurie4b]

In the Bible, it's returning the money times 4. I'm not recommending that amount, but rather the principle, since it's a first time. I would give her chores, lots of chores, and pay her for those until she can pay back 1/4 of what she stole from each one. This does two things: 1) It shows money comes from work, 2) it gives back to the victim. If she has any time left before the summer trip to earn some for vacation, fine. If not, that's part of the consequences, too.

[Danestress]

Is that people don't trust her and that they watch her closely and that her relationships are damaged, possibly for quite some time.

 

But I also like the idea of making her earn an equal amount of money but having her donate it to someone who is actually in real need. Maybe since she has a home but not a vacation, she could donate it to a homeless shelter for people who don't actually have homes.

[Soph the vet]

In the Bible, it's returning the money times 4. I'm not recommending that amount, but rather the principle.

 

I was going to mention this as well. My dd stole something from her brother and she had to pay it back four times. It was something that took about four weeks to do and during that time she was denied having that thing for herself while buying it for her brother (it was candy). I think that really spoke volumes to her and there has not been an incident since.....that I know of;).

[DB in NJ]

Oh Dorothy, I'm sorry.

 

I agree with what many here have said. I think it first needs to be determined WHY she really did it. Was it a misguided way of trying to help her family? I think it's vital to understand her heart before you proceed any further.

 

How does she feel now? Is she repentant? Does she regret it? Does she truly understand??

 

If you feel she really needs to be taught a lesson here, then I think the natural consequences of 1) paying the money back; 2) working to earn more money; 3) giving that earned money away to either a church or a volunteer organization, etc. would be the way I'd go.

[Cheryl in NM]

My opinion differs from some of the others somewhat.

 

Bring the hammer down, hard. Then find out the why and minister to that. Our society has gotten so forgiving of criminals (I'm not putting your daughter in that category). I think that holding back on punishment because of a person's reasons is a mistake. It shows that there are justifiable reasons to break the law. There usually aren't. I believe criminals are grown in our families by how we raise our children. Our children need to learn right from wrong and they need to know there are consequences. $100 is ALOT of money and she had no good reason to steal it. She just wanted spending money for vacation. Here's are the consequences/punishments I would dole out:

1. return the money

2. apologize with sincerity and no justification-it doesn't matter why she did it

3. IF I allowed her to go on vacation she would receive no extras; just the activities with the entire families, meals and board

4. She needs to understand the value of $100. Point out how much things cost at the store. Show her how much a tank of gas costs. Explain minimum wage and how long someone would have to work at that wage to earn $100, after taxes.

5. Look up the legal punishment for theft of $100, apply it to her if you wish, but make sure she knows that this is a crime punishable by law. BTW, I think if more people let law enforcement talk to their kids about these incidents we would have fewer incindents. Law enforcement officers are there for us; the working stiffs and they love to have these little talks with kids that make these mistakes the first time.

6. After all of this, talk with your daughter and find out if there was more to it than just wanting money for vacation. Leaving the amount of time these consequences will take will give her an opportunity to view her actions in another light and to not be so defensive about her actions.

7. If you spank, this deserves it.

You don't want her to ever make this mistake again. You want her to remember this the rest of her life, but not traumatize her.

 

ETA:I'm sure making her earn the money and then giving it away is the right choice. I'm afraid that might make her bitter. I think making her understand the enormity of her actions is the best way to get through to her.

 

Good luck!:grouphug:

[Baseballmom]

Well, was there a purpose? I'd think if there was a purpose that I'd make sure the opposite happened. For example if the purpose was for clothing, that child would be donating a very painfully large portion of her clothing to the needy.

 

If you believe in biblical punishment, I believe the correct punishment, correct me if I'm wrong, is restitution - giving back the sum plus the sum again. She'd have to earn it and I think I'd think of several extraordinarily difficult ways to earn it.

 

That said, one sin isn't greater than another. We're all very tempted, whether it be a white lie, or something far worse. She's young, she gave into temptation... And while I would come down on her very hard, I'd also give her the grace of forgiveness.

 

:iagree:

[mcconnellboys]

What age is she? If she's pre-teen or above, in addition to being grounded from fun activities, I would make her work for them at a minimum hourly wage rate until she's "worked off" the amount she took, in order to give her an idea of how long it takes lots of folks to earn that amount of money. She could clean their rooms, clean out their closets, do their laundry, etc., etc.

[dorothy]

She says she knows it was wrong and that she won't do it again. She asked for forgiveness and forked over the money. Her cousin told her she's not allowed in her room anymore because she does not trust her.

 

DD claims she was mad at cousin for saying "shut up" (DD interupts and argues a lot so I can see cousing losing it and saying "shut up.") and decided to get her revenge while also justifying it as "travel money for her family." UGH! :confused: Where is she getting this? There is NO WAY she is learning this from DH and I - NO WAY. We work hard and are constantly giving it away to others - to help! We are constantly talking about letting God be the judge and not judging others or taking revenge.

 

I printed out what petty theft charges would mean in the state of Florida for a juvenile. We talked about the absolute wrongness of this behavior.

 

DH spoke with her when he got home.

 

We pointed out how her sister quickly and completely forgave her and asked how she would feel/react if someone had stolen from her. She readily admits that she would be furious, would not be quick to forgive, and would be suspicious of the other person.

 

This is the kid who is regularly accusing others of taking things, doing the wrong thing, etc.. even when they are not.

 

When talking about her little brother, who came to her defense begging that she not be punished (by taking her souvenier money), she said she suspected he did that to get "good attention" from me but not because he really meant it. :001_huh:

 

Honestly, I just can't stand her right now. I had to leave the room.

 

I don't know what to do with her heart and I pray my heart will change. Right now, I do not like what I see.

[Kelli in TN]

5. Look up the legal punishment for theft of $100, apply it to her if you wish, but make sure she knows that this is a crime punishable by law. BTW, I think if more people let law enforcement talk to their kids about these incidents we would have fewer incindents. Law enforcement officers are there for us; the working stiffs and they love to have these little talks with kids that make these mistakes the first time.

:

 

I think you want to be careful about involving law enforcement unless you are prepared to follow it to the end. Once law enforcement is in your house you basically lose the right to say anything.

 

It could get very sticky and difficult and you may find yourself with people you don't want involving themselves in your family life.

 

I speak from experience.

[Kelli in TN]

She says she knows it was wrong and that she won't do it again. She asked for forgiveness and forked over the money. Her cousin told her she's not allowed in her room anymore because she does not trust her.

 

DD claims she was mad at cousin for saying "shut up" (DD interupts and argues a lot so I can see cousing losing it and saying "shut up.") and decided to get her revenge while also justifying it as "travel money for her family." UGH! :confused: Where is she getting this? There is NO WAY she is learning this from DH and I - NO WAY. We work hard and are constantly giving it away to others - to help! We are constantly talking about letting God be the judge and not judging others or taking revenge.

 

I printed out what petty theft charges would mean in the state of Florida for a juvenile. We talked about the absolute wrongness of this behavior.

 

DH spoke with her when he got home.

 

We pointed out how her sister quickly and completely forgave her and asked how she would feel/react if someone had stolen from her. She readily admits that she would be furious, would not be quick to forgive, and would be suspicious of the other person.

 

This is the kid who is regularly accusing others of taking things, doing the wrong thing, etc.. even when they are not.

 

When talking about her little brother, who came to her defense begging that she not be punished (by taking her souvenier money), she said she suspected he did that to get "good attention" from me but not because he really meant it. :001_huh:

 

Honestly, I just can't stand her right now. I had to leave the room.

 

I don't know what to do with her heart and I pray my heart will change. Right now, I do not like what I see.

 

Egads. That's pretty cold hearted. Maybe this is a defense she is putting up or maybe she is really that hard right now. Either way, may I suggest a regiment of doing for others? I am sure you can find some public service for her, since she is so young I am sure you will have to be willing to do it with her. That's not a bad thing by the way, the two of you serving others side by side. You smiling at the sheer joy of serving others, she scowling and sullen at the imposition of having to do all this stupid community service. But you could just keep doing it until she learns to smile too. Even if it takes forever. You have forever, right?

 

Oh, and while you are dishing out the richly deserved consequences, make sure you are swallowing your bad feelings and loving, loving, loving her. Because consequences are the logical follow up to this wrongdoing, but if Momma doesn't love you even when you are horrid, what else have you got in life?

[Karen sn]

I think you want to be careful about involving law enforcement unless you are prepared to follow it to the end. Once law enforcement is in your house you basically lose the right to say anything.

 

It could get very sticky and difficult and you may find yourself with people you don't want involving themselves in your family life.

 

I speak from experience.

 

I never had them in my house. I went right to the station (money involved here as well) and I never offered - they never asked. I simply wanted it explained to her what the consequences of stealing are.

 

I like my local sheriffs. They are hard working and really care.

 

Perhaps you have dealt with city police? Not sure if they are all different.....just wondering because for me - in my experience - I don't talk to the city cops.

[Cheryl in NM]

I think you want to be careful about involving law enforcement unless you are prepared to follow it to the end. Once law enforcement is in your house you basically lose the right to say anything.

 

It could get very sticky and difficult and you may find yourself with people you don't want involving themselves in your family life.

 

I speak from experience.

 

I'm sorry I wasn't more clear. I didn't mean to "put her in the system". I meant like the lady that took her child to the Sherif's office and asked them to talk to her. I would only do this if it didn't go "on the books". You don't want legal ramifications on a first offense of a young child that hasn't really caused trouble before, you just want a "scared straight" talk. I agree that once you let the government in your door it's extrememly hard to get them out and they don't take anything on a case by case outlook.

[Kelli in TN]

I never had them in my house. I went right to the station (money involved here as well) and I never offered - they never asked. I simply wanted it explained to her what the consequences of stealing are.

 

I like my local sheriffs. They are hard working and really care.

 

Perhaps you have dealt with city police? Not sure if they are all different.....just wondering because for me - in my experience - I don't talk to the city cops.

 

I live in the county. It was the sheriff's deputies who turned our lives inside out. We were looking for Andy Taylor and instead we got some frustrated SWAT team wannabes. Live and learn.

[Kelli in TN]

I'm sorry I wasn't more clear. I didn't mean to "put her in the system". I meant like the lady that took her child to the Sherif's office and asked them to talk to her. I would only do this if it didn't go "on the books". You don't want legal ramifications on a first offense of a young child that hasn't really caused trouble before, you just want a "scared straight" talk. I agree that once you let the government in your door it's extrememly hard to get them out and they don't take anything on a case by case outlook.

 

This is in essence what we were after, we just did not know that since we called them they got to completely take over. We thought Andy Taylor would show up, maybe with Barney in tow, and they would give her a nice "Now young lady, you can't hit your momma, that's just not right" talk. Nope. It did not go down that way.

 

We were too trusting and now we are probably at the other end of the spectrum as we are too paranoid. The proper response is probably somewhere in the middle.

[Mom0012]

My stepdaughter stole a similar amount from her grandparents at that age. I had her earn that money back over the summer working for me at $2.00 or $3.00 an hour doing things like pulling weeds and cleaning bathrooms. She is 18 now and we've never had another incident again.

 

Lisa

[TraceyS/FL]

I never had them in my house. I went right to the station (money involved here as well) and I never offered - they never asked. I simply wanted it explained to her what the consequences of stealing are.

 

I like my local sheriffs. They are hard working and really care.

 

Perhaps you have dealt with city police? Not sure if they are all different.....just wondering because for me - in my experience - I don't talk to the city cops.

By Town's Police Officers would do this - they are great! In fact we have one at the School that would work well in this situation, they don't have a ton of issues at the school (he's there to prevent that from happening apparently).

 

But gee, my neighbors should read the reactions to this - they apparently call the cops to help them parent. I was SHOCKED recently to hear about it... throw a dog toy at your sister for tattling on you - well i'm calling the cops to come take you away. They have no limits and don't seem to understand at all what htey are inviting into their lives.

 

But i would think that going to the station, and explaining you'd like someone to explain the results of these actions would be good. I'd go there - not call them to the home (well, i'd call "mine", but again, they are great and it's a smalllll town).

 

Anyway, to the OP, lots of hugs and i'd be worried too. I wish i had some advice, a friend is going thru a ton of issues with her son and it's not going positive.

 

So, more :grouphug: to you...

[Lolly]

It sounds to me like you have a little girl, emphasis on little, who is not very happy with herself. She knows how she would feel and react and is putting those feelings onto others. She has her little brother responding in a way that she herself would respond. So, what can YOU do to help her with this? Punish her. She needs to be punished so that she can forgive herself. How? Plenty of hard work is cleansing. You have been give some good examples. Make her earn interest to pay the people she stole from. Then, love her to pieces while you are watching her like a hawk. After that, hug her and love her some more! If you possibly can, find a service outlet for her. Serving others is the best way to feel good about yourself. It can be as simple as having a lemonade stand and donating the $ to a charity or cleaning out HER toys/clothes and donating them (make sure you take her to the drop off too). You can have a pick up trash day at a local park. Use your imagination and you will come up with plenty of opportunities for her to do good. That is the very best thing for a child who is feeling bad.

[Kelli in TN]

It sounds to me like you have a little girl, emphasis on little, who is not very happy with herself. She knows how she would feel and react and is putting those feelings onto others.

 

 

 

 

If you possibly can, find a service outlet for her. Serving others is the best way to feel good about yourself. It can be as simple as having a lemonade stand and donating the $ to a charity .

 

 

 

Like this!!! You could totally make this a positive experience for her, turn this very negative thing into a learning opportunity about esteeming others higher than oneself.