Tips on living with someone who is hard to get along with

[Haiku]

My daughter will be 18 in a few months. Since we adopted her some years ago as a pre-teen, we have struggled with her emotional and behavioral issues. Several years of intense RAD therapy plus medication helped our family avoid complete disintegration, but my daughter is still just unpleasant to be around and live with. She's crabby, rude, and always acts like she's disgusted with everything/everyone. Nothing ever satisfies her, and everything we do is wrong. Her mood shifts with the merest hint of a breeze.

 

I finally asked my dh the other day whether she's just a hard person to get along with, and nothing we do is going to make much difference. He said he thinks that's the case and that at the age she's at, her personality is pretty much formed.

 

I don't do a good job of living with her. I get impatient with her constant crabbiness. I take things personally. I get angry with her disrespectful behavior. But no matter how I address things, nothing ever changes.

 

I need some advice on how I can just live with her the way she is and not lose my sanity.

 

Tara

[Stacy in NJ]

 

I need some advice on how I can just live with her the way she is and not lose my sanity.

 

Tara

 

I realize that sounds cold-hearted, but for the short term it might serve you and her better if you have emotional distance.

 

Almost everyone who is normal is heavily invested in the relationships within their immediate family. It's natural. But sometimes what we need is to let people go emotionally - to accept that our relationships are going to be less than what we'd desire them to be for right now.

 

It sounds like your dd needs to do some growing up on her own. Is there any chance that she'll be moving out for school or work opportunities after high school graduation? I'd encourage that. She might grow to better appreciate her family once she's away from it and gets some distance.

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[CalicoKat]

My daughter will be 18 in a few months. Since we adopted her some years ago as a pre-teen, we have struggled with her emotional and behavioral issues. Several years of intense RAD therapy plus medication helped our family avoid complete disintegration, but my daughter is still just unpleasant to be around and live with. She's crabby, rude, and always acts like she's disgusted with everything/everyone. Nothing ever satisfies her, and everything we do is wrong. Her mood shifts with the merest hint of a breeze.

 

I finally asked my dh the other day whether she's just a hard person to get along with, and nothing we do is going to make much difference. He said he thinks that's the case and that at the age she's at, her personality is pretty much formed.

 

I don't do a good job of living with her. I get impatient with her constant crabbiness. I take things personally. I get angry with her disrespectful behavior. But no matter how I address things, nothing ever changes.

 

I need some advice on how I can just live with her the way she is and not lose my sanity.

 

Tara

:grouphug::grouphug:

[myfunnybunch]

My dd with autism is the same way. I am coming to grips with the idea that, despite the many things I do love and appreciate about her, this is probably not going to change and will be a lifelong issue for her.

 

I, too, struggle with impatience, taking things personally, anger at disrespectful behavior. I feel bad and beat myself up about it, and then my husband reminds me it is normal to feel that way when someone speaks to you rudely.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I don't have many answers.

 

Medication for depression and anxiety (eta: for her) has helped. It doesn't take away the anger and disrespect, but her attitudes aren't as extreme.

 

My daughter tends to respond better to my head reaction, calm noncommittal responses, than my emotional reaction, irritation, impatience, upset. When she's calm, I can talk to her very openly about how her attitude and behavior make me feel: "When you talk to me disrespectfully, it really hurts my feelings. It irritates me and makes me less likely to want to help you or give you what you want. I love you first and always, but I am human, and that's a normal response to rudeness." I make sure to always preface and end with letting her know I love her and want a good relationship with her. She's able to hear that.

 

Is your dd willing to go to family counseling? My dd is in counseling for some other issues, but prefers it be family counseling. It gives us an opportunity to talk, and she's more able to hear what I am saying in that context.

 

I can't say that any of that has made any significant sweeping personality changes. I do see slow improvement in tiny increments. Tiny. With lots of backward then forward. I remind myself that she will continue to grow and mature all her life so it will continue to get better. I guess, for my sanity, I let go of the idea that I can change her. My job is to love her and to set clear boundaries.

 

This is the most challenging relationship I've ever had. I am the one she's rudest to. I am also the one she's closest to. Sigh.....I see a future of mediating between her and other family members. (Who are, as a rule, kind and patient and loving.) Trying to set boundaries about behavior without taking away her family safety net or pushing her away. I think it is going to be tricky high-wire kind of stuff.

 

:grouphug: I wish I had an answer for both of us. But you're not alone.

 

Cat

Edited April 9, 2012 by myfunnybunch

[Jana]

I was a child with an anger problem and a nasty attitude. My mother didn't really know how to manage me and my attitude (mostly) dominated our household. I have a brother who still resents the experience (but that's another subject).

 

I'm not sure when I figured out that I alone am responsible for my attitude and I can regulate how my feelings affect my behavior, but it was a complete game changer.

 

My middle son is a lot like I was. So, I spend time helping him articulate his feelings, and helping him differentiate between feeling mad/frustrated/sad/hungry and acting mean or disrespectful.

 

But mostly I work hard to draw firm boundaries around his meanness and negativity (because really, he isn't too interested in my little lectures). This means he isn't allowed to be mean or negative in family space. He can take it to his room, or a space we designated on our back steps. But he is required to treat people with kindness and respect, or he'll get the "You're not ready to be with people," and is banished.

 

FWIW, when I'm cranky, my kids will tell me, "Mom, you're not ready to be with people, are you?" I love it when they do that. It reminds me that good, close relationships are a privilege.

 

I understand a teen is different, but I thought I offer my experience all the same.

[*********]

I'd make her move out.

 

I know maybe that sounds cold to some. But if it's really that bad, I'd not allow another adult to ruin the peace of my home. Especially considering you have younger children.

 

Home should be a place where everyone loves each other and there is peace. Is it that way every minute? No. But that should be the pervading feeling. If there was an adult in my home that prevented it from being a haven of rest, peace, and acceptance, then that adult would have to leave.

 

I'm assuming here from your previous posts that you've exhausted all explaining, consequences, etc. that you can think of. If she's just outright not willing to be respectful and peaceful, then she needs to find another place to live.

 

JMO.

[Haiku]

I realize that sounds cold-hearted, but for the short term it might serve you and her better if you have emotional distance.

 

I think in my head I know this is true, but my heart keeps telling me that if I care less about her behavior, I care less about her. Does that makes sense?

 

Is there any chance that she'll be moving out for school or work opportunities after high school graduation?

 

She is just a junior, so she has an entire year left of high school. We don't know what she will be doing after that at this point.

 

I'd make her move out.

 

A few weeks or months ago (can't remember exactly) we did sit down with her and tell her that if she cannot find it within herself to stop verbally abusing her brother, she's out. Things have gotten better in that respect. She's not pleasant to the kids, but she has mostly stopped belittling, teasing, degrading, and singling out my son. I have told her that once she's 18, we are no longer legally required to house her and that if she can't figure out a way to at least pretend to be reasonably pleasant, she will have to move out. I'm sure that she wouldn't graduate from high school if that happened, but as you mentioned, home is supposed to be a haven.

 

Tara

[Happy]

It can get better. My oldest is 27 and is not impossible to be around.

Sometimes.

 

Time and age do work. Our constant love and hard-nosedness...(we LOVE you. You can't act like that and expect us to put up with it....) are making a difference.

 

He has a long history being a pain to live with--(and yes, he came to us through adoption as an infant.) We wouldn't let him move home after he got kicked out of college (you actually have to GO to class and do the work in college...) instead we often had to pay for his rent. The peace it brought us was tremendous.

 

These days he has a wife and a daughter. I don't think life in their household is the peaceful place I'd dreamed one of my children would have....BUT it's working for them. In NO small part to my very strong daughter in law. She brought her own set of dysfunction to our family...most of which seems to have prepared her perfectly for dealing with our son as her husband.

 

We spent a week together after Christmas on a ski trip. We laid down the law...if you can't be pleasant, you will go home. With only one meltdown on the last night, the trip was a blazing success. We all got to have a good time. I hope to build on that.

 

Do what you need to to survive. Make time for yourself. Keep praying (if so inclined) and don't give up. Being more bulldog tough than the dc is one key component.

 

It's not easy. You MAY need to consider your dd living elsewhere for a while. I believe there is hope--some day life will be better for her and you. Some friends of ours took their teen girl to a residential place over the weekend. It wasn't a lightly made decision, but one that will provide some relief to their family and hope for the girl.

 

In the meantime :grouphug: From our house to yours. We know it's not fun.

Edited April 9, 2012 by Happy
Adding a sentence

[milovany]

Tara, FWIW I disagree with the advice of making her move out. We have a daughter like this, but she's 16 and not 18. She is who she is and while yes she can improve in many areas, so can *I*!!! The impatience I show her and the lack of mercy and compassion (see my signature below) are things I need to work on and they're no less ugly and disturbing than her grumpiness. I'm so thankful God doesn't kick me out of the nest because I'm disturbing the peace of heaven. ;)

 

May the Lord have mercy on us all.

[Stacy in NJ]

a year of letting go. Not that you won't have a relationship with her in the future, but that the nature of the relationship needs to change.

 

I think in my head I know this is true, but my heart keeps telling me that if I care less about her behavior, I care less about her. Does that makes sense?

 

 

Yes, it makes perfect sense, but what about natural consequences? If she were to treat her friends, teachers, teammates, co-workers in the same way she treats her family, would she have any relationships? She should learn that when you are consistently b*tchy to the people around you, they don't want to be around you very much.

 

She is just a junior, so she has an entire year left of high school. We don't know what she will be doing after that at this point.

 

 

A few weeks or months ago (can't remember exactly) we did sit down with her and tell her that if she cannot find it within herself to stop verbally abusing her brother, she's out. Things have gotten better in that respect. She's not pleasant to the kids, but she has mostly stopped belittling, teasing, degrading, and singling out my son. I have told her that once she's 18, we are no longer legally required to house her and that if she can't figure out a way to at least pretend to be reasonably pleasant, she will have to move out. I'm sure that she wouldn't graduate from high school if that happened, but as you mentioned, home is supposed to be a haven.

 

Tara

 

I would absolutely NOT allow her to damage your other children, so trying to keep a firm handle on her behavior towards them would be a goal still.

[Haiku]

The impatience I show her and the lack of mercy and compassion (see my signature below) are things I need to work on and they're no less ugly and disturbing than her grumpiness.

 

I appreciate your comments, but I am not sure this is true. It would be nice, probably, if I could take all of my daughter's abuse and just let it roll off my back. It would be nice, maybe, if we could all show her 100% unconditional love despite her unkind behavior. But we are human, and we can't do that. And I'm not sure it would actually be best, anyway. If you are mean and nasty and live with a family that just nicely puts up with it, what does that teach you about life? That you can be as mean and nasty as you want and it affects no one? That there are no consequences? That people will always let you get away with it? Imo, being impatient and angry is a natural consequence of dd's behavior ... one she has to deal with. When we first adopted her, I nearly killed myself emotionally and mentally trying to be completely accepting and unconditional with her. It changed nothing and nearly destroyed me.

 

I think it would be best for me if I reacted better to my dd's behavior, but I don't think that my responses are in any way on par with the abuse she subjects us to, and I don't think she cares either way whether we are sweet and accepting or annoyed and angry.

 

Completely aside from the fact that I am raising younger children who don't deserve to live in such an atmosphere.

 

Tara

[Kathryn]

:grouphug:

 

It's a tough spot to be in, especially with the younger ones. I think you've gotten some good advice about changing what you expect the relationship to look like and how you respond.

 

Accepting her but not her behavior teaches her that she has a safe place. I would certainly not kick her out. It sounds like she has issues that need resolving AND she's a teenager. That's a hard time for anyone. Many of us were difficult without bringing other issues to the table.

 

I don't have the magic answer, but these kinds of posts resonate with me. I have a violent HFA son whose teenage years I'm dreading. He reminds me so much of my cousin, who who WAS kicked out because of his violent behavior towards his younger siblings. He's 28 and just got out of prison last month. He has spent less than a year of his adult life "free." He keeps committing petty crimes so he can go back and not have to deal with society. In prison, he gets himself put in solitary to not have to deal with people. He doesn't trust his father to this day because he was kicked out and he KNOWS there's something wrong with himself and his father didn't care.

 

I guess the gist of what I'm saying is, I know it's hard, but I'd try everything in my power to "make it work" when you know there are underlying issues. And if you absolutely can't, I'd try to line up appropriate resources.

[PrincessMommy]

Have you thought about going back to the doctors and checking to see if she is depressed? Depression can be expressed in a multitude of ways, one of which is anger. Also, if she's dealing with learning issues or behavioral issues (like ADD) the mounting frustration during the day may very well be taken out on the family -where she feels it's safe to lash out. KWIM??

 

That said (and realizing that your dd is adopted and probably has issues surrounding that) it sounds like a normal teenage girl. Teenagers are extremely egocentric...and I have one that is particularly difficult to live with too. I honestly think that part of it is nature's way of preparing us moms for the day they leave the nest. I can tell you I'm going to be WAY less weepy when she goes off to college than I was with my boys. She's already been away to college and come back home. I think part of her crabbiness is my daughter's frustration with her school options.

 

Okay, I'm not trying to tell you to put up with it because it's normal... she certainly needs to learn to behave properly and to treat others with respect. Probably one thing I might try doing is taking her out to lunch or dinner - just the two of you. Tell her that you've noticed she's very angry a lot lately and lashing out. Ask her if there's something that is really frustrating her outside of the home? Try to walk along side of her to get to the bottom of whatever the issue may be. And, I would explain to her calmly that her bahavior is unacceptable in the house, etc. etc.

[myfunnybunch]

I think in my head I know this is true, but my heart keeps telling me that if I care less about her behavior, I care less about her. Does that makes sense?

 

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

 

It makes complete sense to me. Not caring feels like giving up, and knowing that isn't true doesn't make it feel any less true.

 

I got a little teary when I read that, as a matter of fact. It's been a rough week here.

 

Cat

[PollyOR]

Tara, life with my oldest was a roller coaster. When she was 10 months old her dad and I split. She and I lived with my mom and dad. When she was six her dad and I remarried and moved far away from my parents. She and her dad butted heads, we took her away from the only life she knew, and then we added siblings. At 10 she went into pre-puberty and we were totally unprepared. She was unhappy, moody, and unkind to her siblings. She frequently told us that she couldn't wait to move out.

 

When she was 19 an opportunity for her to move out on her own presented itself and we jumped at the chance. From that moment she moved out she has had a different relationship with her siblings which has been an absolute relief. She was so kind to them that they were in shock for awhile. She is not the same person she was.

 

Our relationship has its ups and downs but it is amazing to me that she chooses to be around us. I hope the same happens for you and your daughter in the near future. :grouphug:

[Jenny in Florida]

If you are mean and nasty and live with a family that just nicely puts up with it, what does that teach you about life? That you can be as mean and nasty as you want and it affects no one? That there are no consequences? That people will always let you get away with it? Imo, being impatient and angry is a natural consequence of dd's behavior ... one she has to deal with.

 

Although we're not in the same place with my son, I wanted to say that I agree with the part I quoted above. It's one of the things I do say to my son when we hit the bad patches, that I wouldn't be a good mom if I let him get away with treating people (women, in particular) the way he does me and didn't call him on it. We have to teach him how to function in the world, and no one else will ever put up with him treating them the way he does us (mostly me). He will be alone and miserable, and that's not what I want for him.

 

I also remind him (a lot) that I have a right to be angry when he does something unacceptable. And I have a right to let him know that I'm angry. I'm not angry at him because I'm out to get him. I'm angry because he hurt me or let me down or whatever it is. And I wouldn't be doing a good job being his mom if I didn't let him know that his behavior makes me angry.

 

I don't have any good advice for you, but I wanted to let you know that I think you're right about that point.

 

I hope you find something that works for you and your family.

[Tap]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

We feel that dd5 was RAD in the beginning but she did finally attach to us. SHe still has many RAD traits, but since she is attached to us, she is not diagnosed RAD. She does not form normal relationships with other people.

 

(asked honestly and sweetly, not snark) What do you see the next year looking like? What do you for see for the year after that? What is a best case, Realistic scenario? What is a worst case? How can you concentrate your efforts into putting together goals that you will teach her, so that even if she doesn't embrace the learning now, you know that you tried and that the rest is up to her?

 

You know all about RADish relationships. It is so very hard to get the heart to listen to the brain though. :grouphug:

 

I always say dd5 wants things to be 100% her way, 100% of the time. And if she does something that someone asks her to do, it is not because she has given in, it is only because she chose to do it. She HAS to be in 100% control of every situation. If she is not in control....she will push buttons, or manipulate the situation so that she is in control. If she is jealous of something good happening for dd13, dd5 will throw a tantrum over absolutely Nothing, just to pull the attention back to her.

 

For us (I know this may not be realistic for you), the best thing we can do, is to force her into a room by herself. We tell her...you are in control of everything in your room, if you need to control this situation, then go to your room. If she destroys things in her room, they are removed and the door is shut. She has had many, many days of sleeping on a blanket on the floor of an empty room. Then as civility returns, so does her items. Broken things are not replaced. She has a hole in her wall that I don't plan to fix for a while. Her room needs to be painted, but she has some goals to meet first.

 

For us, small goals work. It takes her control issue, and lets it work for her. We tell her 'you like to control things...her you go. Lets find a goal you are willing to work toward." We discuss that there will be set backs but that we can regroup and move forward. Small goals for her, have disproportionately large rewards. Things that are a given for a NT child, are major accomplishments for dd5. To go to gymnastics, she has to not hit or kick at school 4 of 5 days. FOr my NT kids, if they had hit one time, they would have been yanked from special activities, all together (not, one bad day is still passable and only it only matters during school hours :ack2: )

 

For me, I can't let dd see my buttons getting pushed. It just feeds her fire. I have to be cold toward her, when she acts up. Better yet, I let dh handle her, he doesn't get emotional, and it takes away what she wants to see from me.

 

I have to focus on her small goals with her. I have to be excited to tell her psych dr that she is only hitting/kicking 2 days a week now! I have to be proud of her for using self control and only throwing a tantrum and not putting a hole in the wall. It is so hard to see her working on the same goals for years! not weeks or months.

 

I don't know if you are still in therapy or not. I also don't know what the situation is like with a 17yo. But for us with a 5yo, therapy helps me to keep those small goals in mind. It helps me see the bigger picture. It helps me to remember that while dd5 is in complete control of her actions when she wants to be....that inside her brain is actually a crazy, scary place to be. It isn't a world of butterflies and rainbows. They don't understand butterflies and rainbows. They want to bring you into their scary place with them, because that is where they feel you closest to them.

 

I haven't studied RAD like you have, but what strikes me the most with these kids is that they don't seem to feel the normal range of emotions. They HAVE to have strong emotions to feel anything. Because of this, they don't seem to understand, or are maybe even uncomfortable, in situations where they see others having emotions that they can't feel. I liken it to be in a room of people who are whispering, just below where I could hear them. It would make me very uncomfortable and angry. It seems to me like a RAD person, would walk in and start talking, in what seems like a normal voice to them, but to the people whispering, they hear the RAD person screaming angrily. This disconnect of intensity is what seems to cause the most problems for us.

 

For dd5, I find that I can sometimes talk to her easier, if we are moving our bodies at the same time. If I can get her to go for a walk, it seems like the movement helps to reduce some of her intensity. A swim, a bike ride, bouncing on the tramp, swinging etc. I find that it not only helps her to lower her intensity but gives me something to do with mine as well. LOL I am a naturally quiet, visual person...she is loud and physical....When I am happy, I am bubbly....she is boisterous. If I am upset, I am quiet... she is irritated and aggressive. We have to find common ground or it will always be a fight. Being angry seems to be the only place where we have common emotions. :banghead::smash:

 

For a child that age, I guess I would start with the goal of moving out. What does she need to know? Set a goal a month. Show her how to pay bills. Show her how to grocery shop on a budget. Show her how to use a debit card vs credit card vs check vs cash (ie don't send cash in the mail, don't pay rent in cash unless you get a receipt). How to keep track of household bills/payments/receipts. Show her how to look for a job, apartment or car. The counselors in school may be able to help you with ideas. How to avoid internet scams etc.

 

You may want to talk to the counselor anyways and ask about options for kids who need to move out after 18yo, but don't have a job/apartment etc. Programs like Peace Corp, etc.

 

Good luck, I can imagine how burnt out you must be. We have been involved with dd5 for 5 years this week. I can't imaging what the teen years are going to be like. If you want to talk pm me.

[Haiku]

Have you thought about going back to the doctors and checking to see if she is depressed?

 

She is being treated for depression. We see the doctor every three months for a med check. I always tell him that I don't think things are going well and that maybe she needs a higher dose/different med. She always tells him that things are fine. He has been very up front with me that at her age, he is going to be more inclined to let her call the shots and that (knowing dd) if he changes her meds because I say he should, she probably won't take them.

 

Ask her if there's something that is really frustrating her outside of the home?

 

We did talk to her about that this weekend. She is really struggling right now with getting along with the kids at school. She says that she doesn't fit in with them because she is black but not African American and the kids don't accept her and that she doesn't like any of the kids at her school. Changing schools is not an option because she is in a highly specialized school and you can't just switch to a new school 3/4 of the way through.

 

I don't mean to minimize the ways the kids at school treat her, because I know those issues are real, but honestly, my daughter has always had a hard time getting along with anyone. People like her initially but become disenchanted after a while.

 

Being angry seems to be the only place where we have common emotions.

 

Yes. That.

 

As far as working with her on goals, honestly (and everyone here can gasp in horror and think what a terrible mom I am) I have kinda given up on that. Working on goals is just an exercise in frustration with little to no forward progress. Nothing I have ever tried to teach her ever seems to stick, and she will vehemently deny that I ever even discussed it/showed her how to do it. By way of just a really mundane example, she didn't call us on Friday to let us know that her ride home from soccer practice had decided to take the girls out to eat. She was 2 1/2 hours late, and her excuse was, "I didn't have your number." (We were out at a hockey game but had our cell phones.) First, what almost 18 year old doesn't know her parents' cell numbers, and second but more importantly, I have told her numerous times that she MUST know them. When I reminded her of that, she just looked at me and said, "I don't remember that. You always say you've told me something when you really haven't." I mean, I know the girl has some cognitive issues, but they only seem to manifest when it's something she doesn't want to do/remember/understand, kwim?

 

I guess right now I feel to exhausted to even begin the process of choosing goals and working on them. Which, of course, makes me a bad mom for not doing what my kid needs. *sigh*

 

Oh, and the counselor discharged us from therapy last year because my daughter stopped participating. She just refused to engage with the counselor at all, and the counselor said that they had gone as far as they could until my daughter decided she was willing to work or even needed to work.

 

Tara

[Tap]

 

 

Yes. That.

 

As far as working with her on goals, honestly (and everyone here can gasp in horror and think what a terrible mom I am) I have kinda given up on that. Working on goals is just an exercise in frustration with little to no forward progress. Nothing I have ever tried to teach her ever seems to stick, and she will vehemently deny that I ever even discussed it/showed her how to do it. By way of just a really mundane example, she didn't call us on Friday to let us know that her ride home from soccer practice had decided to take the girls out to eat. She was 2 1/2 hours late, and her excuse was, "I didn't have your number." (We were out at a hockey game but had our cell phones.) First, what almost 18 year old doesn't know her parents' cell numbers, and second but more importantly, I have told her numerous times that she MUST know them. When I reminded her of that, she just looked at me and said, "I don't remember that. You always say you've told me something when you really haven't." I mean, I know the girl has some cognitive issues, but they only seem to manifest when it's something she doesn't want to do/remember/understand, kwim? LOL well I know this doesn't make you situation any less frustrating, but I just has the same issue with my bright, normal 17yo son when he didn't come home at all one night. LOL

Him:"the battery died on my cell phone so I couldn't call you"

Me:"do you know my phone number? Did anyone else have a phone?

Him:"OH YEAH,, I could have done that!" :glare (smack head!)

 

I guess right now I feel to exhausted to even begin the process of choosing goals and working on them. Which, of course, makes me a bad mom for not doing what my kid needs. *sigh* Nope, not a bad mom. There is only so long you can :banghead: before you finally give up. .

 

Oh, and the counselor discharged us from therapy last year because my daughter stopped participating. She just refused to engage with the counselor at all, and the counselor said that they had gone as far as they could until my daughter decided she was willing to work or even needed to work. That makes sense, but it is still hard as a parent to accept. My dd is still young enough to not have much say in the matter. She loves therapy right now, I dread the day she wants to stop.

 

Tara

 

I am sorry to hear things are so hard right now. I know the ebb and flow of frustrations. I know that few people understand how hard it is.

 

My doctor tells me I have PTSD from raising dd5. At first I thought she was joking, but then I realized she was serious. Have you ever researched it? Here is an article specifically about RAD kids causing PTSD in parents

[Denisemomof4]

I appreciate your comments, but I am not sure this is true. It would be nice, probably, if I could take all of my daughter's abuse and just let it roll off my back. It would be nice, maybe, if we could all show her 100% unconditional love despite her unkind behavior. But we are human, and we can't do that. And I'm not sure it would actually be best, anyway. If you are mean and nasty and live with a family that just nicely puts up with it, what does that teach you about life? That you can be as mean and nasty as you want and it affects no one? That there are no consequences? That people will always let you get away with it? Imo, being impatient and angry is a natural consequence of dd's behavior ... one she has to deal with. When we first adopted her, I nearly killed myself emotionally and mentally trying to be completely accepting and unconditional with her. It changed nothing and nearly destroyed me.

 

I think it would be best for me if I reacted better to my dd's behavior, but I don't think that my responses are in any way on par with the abuse she subjects us to, and I don't think she cares either way whether we are sweet and accepting or annoyed and angry.

 

Completely aside from the fact that I am raising younger children who don't deserve to live in such an atmosphere.

 

Tara

 

First of all, I know how hard it is not to take her behaviors and abuse personally. I struggle with this sometimes myself. BUT, to get angry at her, while a natural consequence, it feeds into her bad behaviors. I know you already know this but I have to share it anyway.

 

My RAD pulled some cracy, crazy stuff recently that actually did throw me over the edge. I think I had a breakdown of sorts. Actually, I know I did. But SHE doesn't know I did. When I cried to dh, my irl friends and my Hive friends, I did so outside, or while I whispered with the stove fan oh high so she couldn't hear a thing. Her room is above the stove so if I want to vent about her, on that fan goes. I will even go sit in my car in the garage for my privacy! I got all my emotions out and she never got to be proud of what she accomplished because she doesn't know. And as hard as it was, I had to act normal i n her presence. EASY? no way, but it is essential. RAD's feed off of our negativity and anger. They LOVE it.

 

One thing I do for myself and the rest of our family, which is against every adoption therapist, is that I will NOT allow RAD, or anyone else, to bring us down with their bad attitude. If your dd is acting like a pill, why can't she ride it out by herself in her room? or while going for a walk? why should the rest of you have to suffer through it? I simply won't allow it anymore. There are other things I do, like making dd redo things/say things the RIGHT way, but your dd is probably too old for this? idk.

[Denisemomof4]

I am sorry to hear things are so hard right now. I know the ebb and flow of frustrations. I know that few people understand how hard it is.

 

My doctor tells me I have PTSD from raising dd5. At first I thought she was joking, but then I realized she was serious. Have you ever researched it? Here is an article specifically about RAD kids causing PTSD in parents

 

ABSOLUTELY. I don't even have to read that article.... But I don't need to tell you that, Tap. ;)

 

Tara, you are NOT a bad mom. You are an exhausted mom, an overwhelmed mom, a mom who feels defeated. :sad::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[myfunnybunch]

I wouldn't be a good mom if I let him get away with treating people (women, in particular) the way he does me and didn't call him on it. We have to teach him how to function in the world, and no one else will ever put up with him treating them the way he does us (mostly me). He will be alone and miserable, and that's not what I want for him.

 

I say this too. And I remind my daughter that I would never ever let another person talk to her the way she talks to me, and that I hope that she will never allow another person to talk to her that way. I'm simply not willing to model acceptance of verbal abuse or teach her in any way that disrespect, name-calling, foul language, screaming, or threatening are normal or acceptable behaviors. EVER. For her sake, as well as my own.

 

Because it is directly related to her and her future, this seems to resonate with her in a more meaningful way.

 

Cat

[besroma]

:grouphug:

[Pippen]

I guess right now I feel to exhausted to even begin the process of choosing goals and working on them. Which, of course, makes me a bad mom for not doing what my kid needs. *sigh*

 

Oh, and the counselor discharged us from therapy last year because my daughter stopped participating. She just refused to engage with the counselor at all, and the counselor said that they had gone as far as they could until my daughter decided she was willing to work or even needed to work.

 

Tara

 

If that's the case, is there another qualified counselor in your area? At her age I could see her benefitting from someone whose primary goal is to help her form a transition plan (and needed skills) for independent living. If your daughter percieves that the benefit is for *her*, she may be more inclined to participate.

[PrincessMommy]

ABSOLUTELY. I don't even have to read that article.... But I don't need to tell you that, Tap. ;)

 

Tara, you are NOT a bad mom. You are an exhausted mom, an overwhelmed mom, a mom who feels defeated. :sad::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

:iagree: :grouphug:

[Oak Knoll Mom]

I was a child with an anger problem and a nasty attitude. My mother didn't really know how to manage me and my attitude (mostly) dominated our household. I have a brother who still resents the experience (but that's another subject).

 

This is one thing that's hard for me. My difficult child is ruining his relationship with his brothers. :crying: