Sorry more birth questions - home birth?

[EmmaNZ]

I think I want a home birth. It just seems to tick all the boxes. It's a bit out of the box for me, although I'e had 4 perfectly normal, uncomplicated deliveries.

 

Two questions though - if you have had a home birth how did you reconcile yourself with all the 'what ifs' (I am a worrier)? Secondly, how on earth can I convince my dh who is going to be totally against the idea?!

[ktgrok]

I explored how each "what if" would be handled. I discussed those "what ifs" with my midwife. And I compared the list of homebirth "what ifs" to the list of hospital "what ifs". Neither option is without risk, they are just different risks, and you have to see which you are more comfortable with.

[dirty ethel rackham]

:iagree:

After we had made up our "what ifs" for both situations, we had a sit-down with the home birth midwife to talk about them. She basically reassured dh that she would be keeping an eye on me and would transport if she felt we were getting into a situation that needed more than she could do at home. We had three transport plans - one for a non-emergency transport to the home-birth friendlier hospital that was a little further away; one for the emergecy transport to the anti "anything less than an epidural in the parking lot" hospital 2 minutes away; one if the newborn baby needed to go the the hospital. She also assured us that she carried equipment that was about the same as a level-one hospital and would be able to keep the baby stable until we got to the close-by hospital.

 

I previously had 2 hospital births before considering a home birth, so we had experienced some pretty crappy stuff in the hospital - which led us to consider a home birth in the first place.

[Heather in OK]

if you have had a home birth how did you reconcile yourself with all the 'what ifs' (I am a worrier)?

Educate yourself.

 

Talk to midwives. If there are certain "what ifs" you have in mind, ask her how often she's encountered those situations.

 

Realize that there are "what ifs" in the hospital.

 

Realize that true emergencies are very rare. And a skilled midwife will be able to spot situations that would require a transport before it is an emergency. Yes, things can happen *very* quickly but even then, there is usually plenty of time to get to the hospital.

 

how on earth can I convince my dh who is going to be totally against the idea?!

Gather the stats.

 

Have him meet the midwives with you and ask questions. Many, many times the guys think we are crazy, bra-burning women who think birth is just so groovy. But once they meet and get questions answered they realize (most) midwives are intelligent and know what they are doing.

 

Watch something like Business of Being Born together.

[Veritaserum]

I explored how each "what if" would be handled. I discussed those "what ifs" with my midwife. And I compared the list of homebirth "what ifs" to the list of hospital "what ifs". Neither option is without risk, they are just different risks, and you have to see which you are more comfortable with.

 

:iagree: The risks are different. You need to choose the risks you can live with.

 

I had a bad hospital birth with my first, four good home births, and will have a hospital birth with this one. There is a new hospital in my area that will support me in having a low tech normal birth whiile still having emergency back-up if needed. If I didn't have this hospital, I would have another home birth.

[Momof3littles]

I had a CNM attended hospital birth with my first, a FSBC birth with my 2nd, and transferred to a HB midwife late in the game with my third pregnancy. I had wanted a HB all along in that pregnancy, but the two MWs I wanted to use were an hour away and my 2nd birth was about 3 hours, so I was a bit nervous. At the end of my pregnancy, one of the local hospital CNMs left the hospital to start a HB practice. She had practiced HB midwifery in a different state prior to her stint in the hospital. We interviewed her and my DS2 was her first birth in her new practice.

 

I spent a lot of time reading studies and so forth and felt very comfortable with my decision. I was able to reconcile that as a low risk woman, there are always risks (hospital or home birth, and agree w/ PP, they are a different set of risks, but both have their own set of concerns), but I felt my choice to HB was not riskier than a hospital birth for my own circumstances.

 

I also came to the realization that a good HB midwife has everything at her disposal that a FSBC has available. Many people view the FSBC as "safer" than HB and a "happy medium" but in many cases there isn't much that can be done in one scenario vs. the other. My FSBC was about 15 mins closer to the hospital, which would have been beneficial if we needed to transport, but otherwise, the equipment and training are pretty much identical.

 

eta: DH is a scientist and had read the studies with me through the years. He was 100 percent supportive. We did interview our mw, talked through a few points of concern, and decided to go with her. In fact, he's the one who brought home a newspaper piece about this particular mw opening her practice, because he knew it was exactly what I had wanted all along, but had pushed aside because the logistics were a bit complex in our situation. Her practice was exactly what I was looking for, so we took the plunge. It was all his fault ;)

Edited March 29, 2012 by Momof3littles

[jennsmile]

I put my "what ifs" to God in the end.

 

I also educated myself, talked to my midwives, discussed why people transfer and made choices to prevent those reasons.

 

But in the end it really came down to faith and the feeling that all would be okay. If I or my dh had a nagging feeling that something wasn't right or that we needed to be in a hospital we would have made different choices.

[Whereneverever]

I put my "what ifs" to God in the end.

 

I also educated myself, talked to my midwives, discussed why people transfer and made choices to prevent those reasons.

 

But in the end it really came down to faith and the feeling that all would be okay. If I or my dh had a nagging feeling that something wasn't right or that we needed to be in a hospital we would have made different choices.

 

:iagree: for me it helps that I believe our days are numbered before we are born. I read a ton, talked to people, and prayed. I've had two Homebirths and am planning my third. :001_smile:

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

DH and I both spent a lot of time talking to midwives about possible emergencies and how they proceeded. I also kept in mind that there were just as many "what ifs" to hospital care, but just less "guilt" put on the mother if something went wrong in a hospital.

[MrsJewelsRae]

What ifs? I trusted my midwives, I chose midwives that had a ton of experience between the 2 of them (they'd both been practicing for nearly 30 years). I also lived really close to the hospital in case anything happened. I knew that logically homebirth has better outcomes for low risk moms and babies. Birth carries risk. Period. There comes a point where you just have to choose the set of risks you are comfortable with. I had chosen a hospital birth for my first and aside from my beautiful healthy son, the rest was a nightmare. They put me and my son at risk and I was not willing to take those risks again if I didn't have to.

 

As far as dh, ultimately I would have fought him pretty hard on a homebirth if he resisted or refused. My dh saw and experienced the unnecessary "treatment" I suffered with my first birth in the hospital and he didn't resist at all. I simply couldn't bring myself to go back to the hospital unless it were medically necessary- ie there were complications. My homebirth was absolutely wonderful, it was very healing and empowering.

 

I intended to hb my 3rd but was foiled by a pushy OB that was at the hospital when I went in for a routine NST for late baby. I wish so badly I could go back and do it over. I was bullied by the nurses to undress and put on a gown, even though I tried to refuse an internal, told them I had a midwife (who had hospital privileges). I was given an internal by a complete stranger OB that was so horribly rough I still feel nauseous when I think of it. I literally began screaming and sobbing in agony. He proudly exclaimed he'd done a stretch and sweep and it should help put me into labor. I was so traumatized that when my husband arrived at the hospital he found me curled up in the bathroom shaking and vomiting. The OB told me that my baby needed to come out as soon as possible because he was already too late (5 days!?) and I supposedly had pre eclampsia- despite having no protein in my urine and my blood levels were normal- but he said they were at the high end of normal. He called my midwife and told her I'd have to birth in the hospital, though he would let her deliver. For a hospital birth it went really well, but how it all started was an absolute nightmare. If I ever have another child I will be planning a homebirth again and I will not step foot inside a hospital unless it is absolutely needed. I honestly would rather birth in my car in the hospital parking lot, unassisted. At this point my dh would have no say in the decision of where I'd give birth, I suffered most of the trauma. But it's moot for us, when my husband found out what happened last time I had to calm him down, he was so angry. He was incredibly protective of me when I went into labor because of this. He had words with 2 hospital personnel when I birthed my 3rd. The triage nurse got really snippy with me when I arrived in transition because I had declined a couple prenatal tests- she demanded to know why WHILE I was in transition!! My dh promptly told her to back off and that my decisions were between me and my midwives. We were then accosted after the birth when we were leaving the hospital, had already been discharged and were on our way to the elevator an administrative woman on a power trip literally yelled at me for daring to carry my own baby (the audacity!) . She commanded me to put my baby into his carseat immediately. My dh tried to reason with her, she was completely unreasonable and rude, so he told her that it was nonsense like this that make women want homebirths. Her lovely response was "yes, well you're not at home are you? Put the baby in the seat or I will be calling security" as she pulled out her cellphone. Threats. Nice. In front of our older children no less. I put him in the seat to placate her and because I just wanted out of there! No, I will not be signing up for a hospital birth willingly at any point in the future, unless my life or my baby's life depends on it.

[TranquilMind]

ITwo questions though - if you have had a home birth how did you reconcile yourself with all the 'what ifs' (I am a worrier)? Secondly, how on earth can I convince my dh who is going to be totally against the idea?!

 

Two home births. ONLY home births. I have never been to a hospital for a birth, I should say.

 

I lived 5 minutes from the best hospital system in town, however. And I refused to entertain "what-ifs" at all. I was prepared but refused to entertain thoughts unless and until problems arose. Nothing did that was not manageable with our excellent midwife. I memorized pages of scriptures that I found applicable and important to stay where I needed to be mentally. It worked.

 

She had delivered over 700 babies. With the first, she was stuck in the birth canal forever...my friends prayed and out she came. This would not have happened in a hospital at my 35+ age.

 

With the second, I began bleeding after the birth. Maybe a cup came out...I don't know. HUGE kid -10.5 pounds. My midwife simply gave me some cayenne pepper pills, telling me that I would stop bleeding instantly as soon as I took them. I did. Amazing.

[Bloggermom]

I am having my 6th baby and 2nd homebirth in the next few weeks. It took a lot of faith, but after I had my first homebirth I knew I wouldn't want it any other way.

[MinivanMom]

I don't think I really worried too much about the what-if's. I had already had 3 hospital births and just reached the point where the cons of dealing with hospital procedures and hostility outweighed any possible advantages for me. It helped that I spent a lot of time researching homebirth and midwifery. I always included my husband in that, so he gradually came around as I became convinced. It helps to be confident in your midwife: her background, her experience, her attitude about transfers, etc.

 

No birth is risk free. You want your husband to be supportive, but at the end of the day it's your body and your health. I listen to my husband's concerns, but I would never give him veto power.

[Annie Laurie]

I felt homebirth was less risky for me than hospital birth. I educated myself about all the possibilities and met with several midwives before settling on one I completely trusted, and went on to have 3 home births with. I showed my husband the information about hospital risks and home birth risks and let him read for himself.

[mommymilkies]

I have had two homebirths. I also lived near the hospital for both. I was a trained EMT, too. But I found my homebirths much safer and better than my hospital births. I had had 3 normal deliveries (minus damage from medical malpractice) and my new doc wouldn't let me have anything but a c-section and it was hospital policy that baby had to be in the incubator no exceptions for 4 hours immediately post-birth. So I dumped that doctor and had a homebirth. I am glad every second of the day since then that I had a homebirth!

 

As for the "what ifs", the hospital here has a 40% c-section rate and I've heard many horror stories about 2 of the doctors there, so I had WAY more what-ifs about the hospital!

[happypamama]

I think I want a home birth. It just seems to tick all the boxes. It's a bit out of the box for me, although I'e had 4 perfectly normal, uncomplicated deliveries.

 

Two questions though - if you have had a home birth how did you reconcile yourself with all the 'what ifs' (I am a worrier)? Secondly, how on earth can I convince my dh who is going to be totally against the idea?!

 

For the DH, I recommend having him voice his concerns, as concretely as possible. Then discuss with the midwife, and she can tell you both about transfer protocols, signs she looks for that something is going wrong, ways she monitors you and the baby, etc. If she's a CNM, she'll also have specific protocols for prenatal care, and she'll refer to her backup OB if anything out of the ordinary presents itself.

 

Our experience with choosing homebirth is a little unusual, because we didn't opt for the hospital for the first baby. I liked the idea of non-hospital birth, and I found a freestanding birth center, staffed by CNMs, that I liked after the first visit. Then I brought my DH to an information session, and he was able to hear the midwives' "side" -- what they felt normal birth looked like, how they addressed problems, why they were a safe choice, etc. He was impressed, and then after DD's birth was such a wonderful experience, when we moved and needed new midwives for #2, it was an easy jump for him to a homebirth with more CNMs.

 

As for the "what ifs," to be honest, that's something I have to work through every single birth. I've had four very easy, very smooth births (one birth center birth and three homebirths, all amazing and wonderful), and statistics are on my side, and yet, each time, sometime towards the end, I just have to spend some serious time praying and giving things over to God. I have to lay my specific fears (and each birth has had its own particular concern in my mind) at His feet and leave them there. And I have to ask Him for the strength to deal with whatever He allows to happen. I am grateful that my faith has not been tested in that way as of yet, but I know He would help me through anything. Really, that's how I deal with the "what ifs" -- you can't manage them, or plan or research your way out of them, but you can get your heart in the right place to handle them.

 

ETA: I should also add that my personal experience is also atypical. After my second baby, and after my SIL had had one normal pregnancy/birth, her second baby was stillborn at 36w, which was, of course, devastating. She'd had complete, excellent prenatal care, the usual u/s, etc., and her baby died suddenly. They reviewed her records and never found any reason to suspect there was a problem. So, obviously, this colored my feelings about testing, doctors, hospitals, etc. when I was expecting my third baby; I was already happy about homebirthing, but that cemented it. It wasn't that I didn't have faith in doctors and hospitals, and I feel that sometimes they are the right choice (and if the Ultimate Midwife leads me to that choice in the future, I pray that I will heed that leaning, and I will be grateful for the medical technology if it's needed); it was more that I realized that nothing *I* did or didn't do would guarantee my baby's health and safety.

Edited March 29, 2012 by happypamama

[EmmaNZ]

Thanks so much ladies. I mentioned it to my husband and he got really angry. He says that yes, we put our trust in God, but that we also have to make sure that we have done evrything in our power to make things go well. He does not think that home is a safe place to give birth, just in case anything were to go wrong.

 

He knows I have not given up, and I haven't spoken to my midwife yet, so we've got time to discuss things more. How much would your husband's disapproval affect your decision on where to give birth?

[jennsmile]

Thanks so much ladies. I mentioned it to my husband and he got really angry. He says that yes, we put our trust in God, but that we also have to make sure that we have done evrything in our power to make things go well. He does not think that home is a safe place to give birth, just in case anything were to go wrong.

 

He knows I have not given up, and I haven't spoken to my midwife yet, so we've got time to discuss things more. How much would your husband's disapproval affect your decision on where to give birth?

 

With my first DH insisted on hospital. After seeing me give birth drug free and the doctor showing up at the very end he wasn't impressed. With our second we went with a midwife. It was okay, her teacher was there thankfully and helped as she was a new midwife. He saw that they could supply oxygen to the baby if need. Deal with a fainting mom from loss of blood. With child 3 he saw another awesome midwife cut the cord while the child was in the birth canal as the cord was wrapped very tightly and not budging. Thankfully number 4 was uneventful. I think cost was also a factor. Hospital birth for my son as $8,000. First home birth as $1700 out of pocket as I got pregnant under new insurance and wasn't covered for another 2 months. My current health plan covers the first $4,000 so prepaying my midwife works great as she is less than that.

[PrincessMommy]

I agree with what everyone else has said. My husband was against it too until he met with the midwife. My husband likes statistics and data and midwives are usually very up to date on the pro-cons of hospital/homebirths.

[dirty ethel rackham]

It's not like bad things don't happen hospitals. Like Heather said, the both have risks, but the risks are different. My two hospital births were the reason why I wanted a home birth. I have permanent damage from some unnecessary interventions that were forced upon me, despite two repair surgeries.

 

I wouldn't stand for my husband telling me where I had to give birth. He is not my boss. We are partners. In our household, if you are not willing to research diligently and discuss intelligently, you are not a participant in the decision. In our case, I was a Bradley teacher for years so I had been presenting research to him for many years. Because he was well-informed and because he trusted my opinion as I had made childbirth issues my life's work, he felt comfortable with us having a home birth. His only concern was cost since we had decent insurance. But, I had put money aside for that, so the point was moot.