Annoyed by dd's dingbattiness

[Haiku]

A number of instances recently have left me shaking my head and wondering how in the world my dd17 will ever survive if she goes off to college or moves out on her own.

 

1) She sent off an application for a summer internship with her address spelled wrong. Her address!! Where she has lived for 7 years! I commented on it at one point, and after she told me she had sent it (before having me proof it, which I thought was what was going to happen), I asked about the address thing. She claims she wasn't aware it was spelled wrong and didn't remember me telling her. But who spells their address wrong at 17? (This is the girl who spelled her own name wrong on a test when she was in 7th grade. And she is NOT dyslexic.)

 

2) We discussed college options, and we told her that if she lived at home and went to the local community college for the first to years, we could afford to pay for it all. Two years of college, free for her. She does not want to do this and asked how much we would pay if she went away. We said the same amount, as that's what we could afford. We told her the rest would have to be handled by loans, scholarships, and getting a job. She does not want to work, and she doesn't want to take loans because, "Then I'd have to pay them back!" She said it's not fair that we won't pay for her to go anywhere she wants. We have explained to her that very few people can afford to just *pay* for college outright. She is not at all appreciative that we have pledged about $15,000 of free (to her) money toward her education.

 

3) When filling out a summer job application, she asked me, "Have I ever been convicted of a felony?" :confused: :banghead: :smash: (She's never been arrested, charged, or convicted of anything. She's never been to court.)

 

4) She likes to listen to a certain musician whom dh and I have banned due to that musician's history of violent behavior. We have said she can listen to him on her own ipod but not where any of the rest of us can hear him. Today she had his music blaring while she cleaned the kitchen. When I told her to turn it off, she got all huffy and said it was her house, too. I said, "Who owns the house? One of the privileges of being an adult is that, when you pay for your own place, you can run it the way you like." She said, "Daddy pays the bills. Not you." (Daddy is, btw, the one who banned this certain musician.) I said, "Oh, so the money I earn at my [part-time] job is of no value? Ok, I won't spend it on your travel soccer team, and you can earn the $700 to do it. By Tuesday, when the bill is due."

 

5) We don't allow @$$-tight pants of any kind. Dd keeps buying or borrowing them anyway and trying to wear them. We never allow her to. We had a discussion about it AGAIN last night because she was wearing stretch pants that clearly outlined her crotch area. I told her that dh and I will not change our rule about this even if she doesn't like or agree with it, so the only person who can keep it from being a recurring issue is her, by just abiding by the rule. What did she come down in today? You guessed it ... the same d@mn pants. I told her to wear something else, and she asked why!!! :willy_nilly: I said, "Because I feel like I have to avoid looking at you to avoid getting a peep show!!!!"

 

6) She now has a debit card. I told her she can deposit the checks she gets for helping out weekly with childcare at our religious center into the bank at the branch on the campus where she goes to school. She wouldn't do it because she refused to look at the campus map to see where the branch was. She eventually told me she would stop at a bank on the way from the bus stop to school. I said, "Is it our bank?" She said, "I don't know. What is our bank?" :confused: You don't know the name of the bank you went to to apply for a savings and checking account? She said, "It doesn't matter, they are all banks anyway." I explained to her that you have to go to YOUR bank to deposit a check because only YOUR bank has access to YOUR account. She called her teacher to verify this. :confused: Why would I lie about this? And furthermore, what 17 doesn't know that you have to use the bank you have an account at? Granted, I never taught her this, but no one ever "taught" me, either. You just know it.

 

7) She wanted to use my cordless vacuum. I told her she needed to empty the filter first. She said I had to do it because she didn't know how. I told her to take a look at it. She couldn't figure it out, so she asked me to do it. I told her I would walk her through the steps so she could learn how. She got all disgusted and said, "It's your vacuum, anyway!!" Well geez, who wants to use it? You?? And when I first got the vacuum, I had to figure it out on my own. No one showed me how!!

 

I have asked my parents several times to tell me honestly whether I was so clueless at 17, and they have both said no. I don't know what to do with this girl. I don't understand her, at all. I don't have the faintest idea what goes on in her head. *sigh*

 

Tara

[Impish]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Miss Peregrine]

:grouphug: and sympathy. My 15 yo sometimes. . .

[Ester Maria]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

You have my admiration for your patience.

I have daughters younger than yours and I would probably be too gobsmacked to even react in some of those situations (the felony question, banking). Funny how our "common sense" is not so common with some young people. But you may laugh one day looking behind, hopefully. :tongue_smilie:

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[greenvneck]

Double post, sorry.

Edited March 18, 2012 by greenvneck

[greenvneck]

I am just as :confused: as you, I have one a year *older* who does the same sort of thing. Except worse. Take your #1...mine sent off her transcript to the college that kept begging her to send it, but didn't put an address on it. When I asked her to make sure she had done it all correctly (because I know how she is!) she realized her mistake, but then after retrieving the blank envelope from the mailbox had to ask where the return address should go and what, exactly, is our zip code (we have lived here since 1990). Then she had to retrieve it yet again because she didn't put a stamp on the envelope.

 

:cursing::banghead::smash:

 

I feel for you.

[Catwoman]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I think I would be more concerned about her attitude, sense of entitlement, and desire to avoid responsibility than I would about her flakiness. She sounds very disrespectful.

[Mothersweets]

I can sympathize. :grouphug: Being a ding-a-ling is one thing, but when they get all huffy about it and act like it is my fault/problem? makes me go :cursing:

[In2why]

I have a 13 y/o like that and it isn't us as parents, because the younger two usually help him figure stuff out. I asked him to feed the cat, he couldn't figure out how to open the new bag of cat food, I told him to take a look at it, still no Joy, so the 5 year old who was in there told him he would show him how. ;) If I ask him to get or do something we have to lay it out step by step or he is lost. It isn't enough to tell him his shoes are in the living room, he will look and state he can't find them. He has to be told they are by the back door, next to the recliner. The other day he asked me how the lighthouse in Alexandria, one of the seven wonders of the Ancient world, got its electricity. :smash: Although I am glad he asked instead of thinking they had electricity in 400BC. But I worry about his future for sure, and I am really clueless as to how to help.

[ondreeuh]

My dd is very similar. I have the same worries about her being independent. I think she will rise to the occasion when she has to, and so I am trying to gradually withdraw support here at home so she has more opportunity to solve her own mistakes, but it is hard to watch. She has a problem just completing the dishes, which has been her chore for years. Every night she "forgets" and goes to her room, and I have to call her back. Most of the time she decides to just do part of it and come back to it later, and after waking up to dirty dishes too many times we told her that was no longer an option. She STILL asks, and if I ever give her permission to do half and come back to the rest after homework, she NEVER does it (she forgets!). This morning I pulled her out of bed and pretended to smack her, and made her do the rest, and swore she had lost the privilege of ever delaying dishes.

 

She finally did her laundry today (first time in weeks) and let a tin of lip balm go through. Of course it was in the pair of jeans that didn't fit in her last load so I threw it in with mine, and now all my clothes have grease spots.

 

She is doing Spanish through OK State, and the school district will reimburse me the $389 if she passes. At the rate she's going, she won't finish the class, and she knows that if she doesn't pass, she is responsible for the bill. The other night I asked if she would just like to pay me now, since she wasn't taking responsibility for the class. She smartened up and got to work, but that will only last for a few days. I tried to guide her through brainstorming solutions, and she came up with a good one, but I'm going to have to remind her constantly to do it. She just doesn't have any internal drive to be reliable. Without someone threatening her if she doesn't do it, she doesn't think it really needs to be done.

 

The flakiness drives me nuts. When I address it, she goes to her room and cries, then avoids me all day, and then JUST when I am ready to go to bed she comes out and needs to talk about how frustrated she is at herself because she knows she should do better. If I don't address it, she just doesn't do what she's supposed to. I don't think she takes it seriously when it's "just" family rules. She does do better with outside commitments, so I have (a little) hope.

[Mama Geek]

Look at the bright side, they can always work as cooks at a fast food joint. Today I ordered a burger with no bun for dh and the cook said how can you make a burger with no bun, you mean you don't want bread only the meat and cheese? Then he was just about beside himself because he couldn't figure out how to serve it. Put it in the container they make the salads in. Duh. The manager had to walk him through it.:glare:

[In2why]

Look at the bright side, they can always work as cooks at a fast food joint. Today I ordered a burger with no bun for dh and the cook said how can you make a burger with no bun, you mean you don't want bread only the meat and cheese? Then he was just about beside himself because he couldn't figure out how to serve it. Put it in the container they make the salads in. Duh. The manager had to walk him through it.:glare:

 

 

Exactly what I dream of for his future. :D I hate to say it, but my kiddo wouldn't have known how to give you just the meat and cheese. I keep thinking that the military might be perfect for him. He is very smart, and follows orders really well. They don't put a high value on critical thinking skills, and have SOP for just about everything. I figure he could excell. (not a slam at the military, I am a military brat, and the Mom of a Navy boy who is doing excellent in the service and is promoted and in positions due to how well he thinks and presents himself, but on average, that isn't necessary and can even hurt a career.)

[Anne in CA]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Oh I feel your pain. We had some of these issues with my step dd and I spent most of her senior year of high school stressed about trying to make her mature enough for adulthood.

 

You dd calling her teacher with the bank question made me laugh because my dd used to never believe me on such issues and ask other people the simplest questions like that. This demonstrates that you dd DOES listen to some people, just not you, lol. Sorry, that is my case too.

 

I now refrain from giving my dd any advice, because she believes that she gets freedom from doing the opposite of anything that I advise her to do. This may be the root of your problems with you dd also. She may believe that freedom comes from doing the opposite of what you believe to be best. In the case of my dear step dd, who I really do love very much, I had to step back and let her make her own mistakes.

 

As an adult she has changed banks and cell phone companies every few months because she has not handled payments correctly. This hurts to watch, but I don't bale her out. She has moved every few months due to being irresponsible with who she chooses to live with. Dh and I have refused to let her move back home. It hurts to say no, but it is what we have to do to stay sane.

 

But my step dd is doing much better than I thought she would in many ways, and I bet your dd will too.:). My step dd has kept the same job and been good at it. She is a cherished babysitter by many people. She has a clean driving record and doesn't drink or smoke. There are lots of good decisions she has made too.

[Aelwydd]

Wow. Wow.

 

I really wish I had useful advice to give you. However, I find it highly unlikely that you were clueless as a 17 y.o., Tara, given your clarity of thought and expression in your posts here.

[SJ.]

As a preteen/teen, probably even in my early 20s and a little today, I was/am kind of spacey. I also was academically very intelligent. To this day it still stings to remember my mother pointing this out when I said/did things that made her scratch her head. That being said I am sorry you are frustrated with your dd but there is hope for her!

[SJ.]

I forgot to add in my post that I agree with the person above thread that said some of those issues seem more like a respect problem than "dingbattiness."

[Haiku]

 

I think I would be more concerned about her attitude, sense of entitlement, and desire to avoid responsibility than I would about her flakiness. She sounds very disrespectful.

 

Yes, she is disrespectful. We adopted her as a pre-teen, and we have never been able to correct her attitude. Nothing we have tried has worked, an believe me, we have tried ev.er.y.thing. She is also the child who will foist responsibility and effort off on everyone around her whenever she can.

 

 

She finally did her laundry today

 

Oh, geez, don't get me started on laundry. She will go weeks, months, without doing laundry, and then she throws it all into a few big loads of mixed colors and whites and washes it all on hot. Even though I have gone through how to do laundry with her half a dozen times. I finally told her I won't replace clothing she ruins by abusing it in the laundry.

 

The flakiness drives me nuts. When I address it, she goes to her room and cries, then avoids me all day

When I address it, she gives me the silent treatment.

 

I spent most of her senior year of high school stressed about trying to make her mature enough for adulthood.

 

I have told dd on multiple occasions that she has to start taking responsibility and doing things for herself. I have told her that there are things she just has to know how to do for herself, and now is the time to practice doing them, when she is still at home and has us to help her. But she still tries to wiggle out of doing anything that requires effort. I have also told her that she won't be able to call me 10 times a day when she moves out to ask me mundane stuff that she needs to learn now.

 

You dd calling her teacher with the bank question made me laugh because my dd used to never believe me on such issues and ask other people the simplest questions like that.

At least I'm not the only one. :001_smile:

 

However, I find it highly unlikely that you were clueless as a 17 y.o., Tara, given your clarity of thought and expression in your posts here.

 

Thank you. I know that I wasn't a perfect teen and I gave my parents some trouble, but I have explained things to my parents and asked them to really be honest with me so I know whether my expectations are out of whack. They have both told me that I was sometimes disobedient but that I had my head screwed on a lot straighter at 17. I mean, by the time I was the exact age my dd is now, I had graduated high school, moved out (not to a dorm), started college, and gotten a job. I know dd's situation is different and I don't expect that she already be there (she still has an entire year of highschool left), but I do expect her to be more with it than she currently is.

 

To this day it still stings to remember my mother pointing this out when I said/did things that made her scratch her head.

 

I try not to embarrass her or make her feel bad, but sometimes I'm so :blink: by the things she says that she notices I'm all :blink: and then she gets mad.

 

Thanks for the commiseration, everyone. It does help to know that dd is not the only space cadet.

 

Tara

[Dustybug]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I think I would be more concerned about her attitude, sense of entitlement, and desire to avoid responsibility than I would about her flakiness. She sounds very disrespectful.

 

:iagree:

 

That comment about dad paying the bills would have flown all over me in the worst way.

 

That being said, my younger brother is the same way. It's worse though because he is 19, has a 2 year old, an estranged wife (who is not the mother of the 2 year old, who he married after two weeks, and split from 2 months later and is carrying his second child). He lives with my mom and has that exact same attitude. He also has to check with others before believing anything that my mom or I tell him. Makes me want to scream sometimes. :grouphug:

[Haiku]

I forgot to add that dd seems to have devolved. I feel like she was a lot more mature at 14 and 15 than she has been at 16 and 17. She's always been kinda dingbatty, but her maturity has really taken a downward trajectory of late.

 

Tara

[Catwoman]

I have also told her that she won't be able to call me 10 times a day when she moves out to ask me mundane stuff that she needs to learn now.

 

 

Why not? Do you plan to slink off and move away in the dark of night, and disconnect your phone? ;)

 

Because otherwise she'll be calling you 10 times a day... on your phone plan. You can count on that. :D

[Haiku]

Why not? Do you plan to slink off and move away in the dark of night, and disconnect your phone? ;)

 

Because otherwise she'll be calling you 10 times a day... on your phone plan. You can count on that. :D

 

Very true. But I can just send all her calls to voicemail!

 

Funny, though, that when I told her she couldn't call me 10 times a day, the first thing she said was, "So if I do call you 10 times a day, you won't answer?"

 

Oh, and yes, I have considered slinking off and moving away in the dark of night ... even before dd moves out! ;)

 

Tara

[swellmomma]

This is what we call dumbassnessness in our house (yes it is a fake word, but that is because gramma got all bent out of shape when I simply said kids -specifically my oldest 2- pulled a dumba$$ move. I figure a little ribbing from me is better than what they would face in the real world for those kinds of mistakes.

 

For example, ds13 was claiming he didn't know how to empty the lint filter on the dryer, I have shown him a 100 times before, I reminded him with the load earlier in the day how to do it. So this load I just told him his dumbassnessness was showing. He had a chuckle and a sudden epiphany on how to do it.

 

If I foudn him spelling his name or address wrong on something I would say that his dumbassnessness is showing. For whatever reason for my ds me flat out saying he acted like a dumba$$ or saying his dumbassnessness is showing seems to get through to him better with less drama than any gentle way I have ever tried to help or correct him. He has actually improved since I started claling him on it in that way. Go figure.