ma23peas Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I guess I have been fortunate! My children are slow on the whole 'interest' in others category...until now.. my 16.5 year old son has had a growing crush on a very very sweet and precious girl our family knows through many activities (co-op, events, etc.) He approached me about it last fall (awww..soo sweet he comes to me! That was such a great feeling!) and I just said let it go its course, be her friend, get to know her better, sometimes crushes start on physical and to be meaningful there needs to be more of a heart issue involved... I thought I had SUCCEEDED! :) Guess, just postponed..he came to me this week and said he wanted to ask her to a dance...most are going in groups to this dance but he had just heard a friend had invited a girl, and I guess the idea of his crush being asked by someone else sent him into a "need to ask her" position. So, I did what I shouldn't have and thought I'd 'feel out' the mom (wonderful lady!)...well, now it stands that girl ds has crush on has a best friend (both wonderful girls) who has a serious crush on my ds. My ds does not feel the same for this girl, but seriously has feelings toward the first...I am trying my best to encourage him to stick to the 'group' setting..but he wants to ask her on Friday to the prom...that will put the girl in such an awkward position, I said I would never tell my ds what I know (although I suspected it, but there are several girls i think have crushes on ds..boy, this age!!)... Should I let him ask her and face teenage drama meltdown? Should I encourage him more still to go the group route?? Would it be helpful to explain the whole scenario? Sigh...next time, I'm just staying out of this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I say let him ask her and let the chips fall where they may. Just because the girl he likes has a friend who likes him should not prevent him from asking the girl he likes. FWIW, though, I am not against a 16 yo pairing off with someone he "likes," so I wouldn't be pushing the "group" thing to begin with. My dd went to homecoming with someone special, but also as a group; some were paired, some weren't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Stay out of it and let him handle it on his own. There's no reason he shouldn't be able to ask the girl of his choice. So what if her friend likes him? Such is teenage life. I have found parents generally make this type of situation MUCH worse than it otherwise would have been when they meddle. It'll be fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Stay out of it and let him handle it on his own. There's no reason he shouldn't be able to ask the girl of his choice. So what if her friend likes him? Such is teenage life. I have found parents generally make this type of situation MUCH worse than it otherwise would have been when they meddle. It'll be fine. I know this is the sensible path...it's just so hard to take when you know how close these two girls are (think Anne of Green Gables and her kindred friend)...and that boy came b/w them...then I think of my son and how sincere and genuine he is...he came to me for advice and I just wasn't sure how to advise since I have too much information... :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I'd help him think through scenarios. Think of everything that could possibly happen and talk him through it, without mentioning the information that you're privy to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 I'd help him think through scenarios. Think of everything that could possibly happen and talk him through it, without mentioning the information that you're privy to. I have done this, his conversation... "I really do think she likes me, I can tell when a girl likes me." "How do you know?" "Just the way they come to talk to me or act around me" "So, who do you think has 'liked' you" He goes on to name 2-3 (of which I do believe he is correct)...so I give out the scenario that how does he think they would feel if he asked x out? Told him to put it on the other foot...I reminded him he was fine going solo and meeting up there, but when he found out a friend had asked a date, he became nervous someone else would ask her and that would break his heart...so I just said, at this age..many have crushes and it can be hurtful...think of that when you decide...he's still 'deciding'....just want to be able to smile and say, Good for you! I support whatever you want to do... :bigear: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Let him ask her. If he doesn't, and another boy does, your ds will be very upset with himself. (And if you know the girl's friend has a crush on him, what's the harm in telling him?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EllaMinnowPea Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Stay out of it and let him handle it on his own. There's no reason he shouldn't be able to ask the girl of his choice. So what if her friend likes him? Such is teenage life. I have found parents generally make this type of situation MUCH worse than it otherwise would have been when they meddle. It'll be fine. I couldn't agree more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I know this is the sensible path...it's just so hard to take when you know how close these two girls are (think Anne of Green Gables and her kindred friend)...and that boy came b/w them...then I think of my son and how sincere and genuine he is...he came to me for advice and I just wasn't sure how to advise since I have too much information... :( You're too involved, IMO. If it pains him to think of someone else asking her, I would put more stock in his interest in her; saying it's a "crush" sounds belittling and juvenile to me. If he likes her that much, he should ask her. It doesn't matter that someone else likes *him*. There's nothing rare about girlfriends who like the same guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Let him ask her. If he doesn't, and another boy does, your ds will be very upset with himself. (And if you know the girl's friend has a crush on him, what's the harm in telling him?) I had promised the mom who told me that I would not tell..so therein lies the obligation...I tried my best to hint around to him and let him come to his own conclusion...I LOVE that my son comes to me with these questions..I want to reassure him that he can always come to us with anything...so I just want my advice to be helpful...thanks ladies! Getting an outside opinion really helps me pull away from the 'what if's'...thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 He has got to ask her. She may say no (I did in high school when a close friend was into the person who asked me) or she may say yes. Both answers are perfectly valid and while 1 answer while hurt your son (and the other maybe hurt the crush's friend), life isn't life without ups AND downs. Either way, he learns something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura in MI Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I say let him ask her and let the chips fall where they may. Just because the girl he likes has a friend who likes him should not prevent him from asking the girl he likes. FWIW, though, I am not against a 16 yo pairing off with someone he "likes," so I wouldn't be pushing the "group" thing to begin with. My dd went to homecoming with someone special, but also as a group; some were paired, some weren't. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I know this is the sensible path...it's just so hard to take when you know how close these two girls are (think Anne of Green Gables and her kindred friend)...and that boy came b/w them...then I think of my son and how sincere and genuine he is...he came to me for advice and I just wasn't sure how to advise since I have too much information... :( :grouphug: Pretend you don't have that information. No more hinting! Growing up isn't easy, but you're both better off letting this be his life adventure and you just support him and listen to him however things turn out. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 :grouphug: Pretend you don't have that information. No more hinting! Growing up isn't easy, but you're both better off letting this be his life adventure and you just support him and listen to him however things turn out. Cat Cat, I think I would cross stitch this and hang it on my wall!! :) Thank you! I am just way too tenderhearted and worry about his potential hurts, her potential hurts, the other girl's hurts....ugh, it paralyzes me! I will give him a hug and tell him to pray about it and let his heart lead him! :) thanks!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I know this is the sensible path...it's just so hard to take when you know how close these two girls are (think Anne of Green Gables and her kindred friend). In that example the same thing works out. Diana was interested in Gibert. Gilbert was interested in Anne. Anne married Gilbert and still Anne and Diana named daughters after each other and stayed friends. It will be ok regardless of what she says, yes or no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 In that example the same thing works out. Diana was interested in Gibert. Gilbert was interested in Anne. Anne married Gilbert and still Anne and Diana named daughters after each other and stayed friends. It will be ok regardless of what she says, yes or no. Love this! :) Will let you guys know what comes of it! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Erm... I think that calling the mom was a bit over the line, tbh. I would have been embarrassed to death if my mom had ever done that to me. Let him ask her. And, you should consider backing off a bit. I mean that gently. But your son is sixteen- he doesn't need his mom calling other moms to find out who likes him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Erm... I think that calling the mom was a bit over the line, tbh. I would have been embarrassed to death if my mom had ever done that to me. Let him ask her. And, you should consider backing off a bit. I mean that gently. But your son is sixteen- he doesn't need his mom calling other moms to find out who likes him. It was actually my husband's suggestion, we are very close to this family...all these kids are in my classes..I interact with them all closely...another reason I would like to avoid drama... If it were any other mother, I would not have called...she has spoken to me in the past about how to handle things like this...I certainly could see where this action seems over bounds...but just did not want to give too many particulars...I was not calling to see if she liked him but if they do not want her dating at all...because in the past they said she had to be 16 and honestly did not know if she was yet..so wanted to make sure she knew I was honoring that wish of theirs by asking.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 It was actually my husband's suggestion, we are very close to this family...all these kids are in my classes..I interact with them all closely...another reason I would like to avoid drama... If it were any other mother, I would not have called...she has spoken to me in the past about how to handle things like this...I certainly could see where this action seems over bounds...but just did not want to give too many particulars...I was not calling to see if she liked him but if they do not want her dating at all...because in the past they said she had to be 16 and honestly did not know if she was yet..so wanted to make sure she knew I was honoring that wish of theirs by asking.... Ah. That makes more sense. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliums Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I could see discussing this with the mom. I discuss many parenting and schooling issues with other homeschooling moms. Also, that is awesome that your DS asked you for advice. :). I am honored to have DSs who do the same. I agree that it ultimately should be his decision at this point, but I do not think you have been too involved.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 If he does ask and is turned down, I would tell him about the girl rule "you don't say yes to your best friend's crush." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I agree with those who say don't get involved, let him ask if he wants. In your shoes, I would just be happy he is interested in such a nice girl! If he does ask and is turned down, I would tell him about the girl rule "you don't say yes to your best friend's crush." :iagree:, to the degree you can do this in a general sense and not actually spill the beans that you got this info from talking to another mom. It will help him feel better if she says no. Plus, our poor teen guys need whatever help we can give them in figuring out girl world (again, generally speaking!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Let us know if she says yes! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Let us know if she says yes! :001_smile: Awww! i just love this boy, I just mentioned that he should do what he thinks is right. Follow his heart...he asked me why the change of heart and I said he is old enough to make these decisions, he said he found out she did not turn 16 until the summer, (I only told him I did not knw how old she was, I have tenth graders that are 14, 15, 16 ....we homeschoolers really are all over the board on grade levels!) and out of respect to her parents he would wait until then. It makes me want to give him the moon! Such a sweetheart! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I just don't understand a mother interjecting herself into a son's romantic (he wishes) life this way. If you are old enough to ask a girl on a date, you are old enough to handle rejection, navigate her parents, and deal with uncertain outcomes. I have three sons, and I would talk and coach them through this from the background, like you were doing. As for what to do now, sometimes moms really don't know the whole story with girls. This girl could have a huge crush on your son, and mom could be missing that. I would just encourage your son to follow his own desires and not worry about all the back ground noise. Shr can say yes or she can say no. But probably she will say yes:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Stay out of it and let him handle it on his own. There's no reason he shouldn't be able to ask the girl of his choice. So what if her friend likes him? Such is teenage life. I have found parents generally make this type of situation MUCH worse than it otherwise would have been when they meddle. It'll be fine. :iagree: This. Your boy isn't a little boy anymore, mama. He's a young man. And the fact that he came to ask you about asking her was a sign that he respects your opinion. Kudos to you on that! But, you know, you're going to have to "let him fall" eventually. Let him ask the girl he likes, and experience whatever consequences come from that. If he "falls" (gets hurt, confused, whatever) wouldn't you rather have that "first" let-down happen at home than when he's out on his own? Step back and let him be independent in this. Watch but do not pry. YES, it WILL be hard on your mama's heart and head to go through this. But YOU need this, too, to begin to prepare you for when he's "out of the nest". And, of course, you're going to give us updates as they occur! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 :iagree: Step back and let him be independent in this. Watch but do not pry. YES, it WILL be hard on your mama's heart and head to go through this. But YOU need this, too, to begin to prepare you for when he's "out of the nest". And, of course, you're going to give us updates as they occur! :D Yes! It is so hard when ot is your first! He still hangs on to his childhood toys ( they are all in his closet but I catch a stray dinosaur out every now and then) he has no desire to drive, hoping this age of crushing will help motivate him, and he has grown 6 inches in one year! Just seems to be happening so fast! Thanks everyone! You all are solid cores of encouragement! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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