He pushes

[DawnM]

every*single*button*in*my*body.

 

Some days I don't like being his mom.....most days right now.

 

Attitude, attitude, attitude.

 

He hasn't done math in 3 days. Says he can't figure it out. I have asked DH to help him. DH is busy at work and forgets.

 

I am beyond frustrated. Son is very behind in school. He blows up about pretty much nothing.

 

I am NO GOOD at having no emotion during his two year old tantrums.

 

It is everything in me not to sign him up for school and give up.

 

That is all.

 

Dawn

[PrincessAriel]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I have one pushing my buttons right now, too! I am at a loss as well. Just want to let you know you are not the only one!

[Shellers]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[DawnM]

thank you.

 

He did come and apologize and agreed to not whine tomorrow about a full school day.

 

Easy to agree to tonight, but we will see how tomorrow goes.

[prissygirls]

I can totally relate. :grouphug:

[dsmith]

:grouphug:

I completely understand.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

can definately relate....:grouphug:

[itsheresomewhere]

I started charging DS 5 cents per whine Tuesday. I quit when he reached 15 dollars that afternoon.

 

 

I am thinking about instituting nap time again.

 

:grouphug:

[funnygirl]

Been there...am there...live there. :grouphug:

[Walking-Iris]

Definitely understand this! I found myself saying today "Are we going to have this argument every single morning?"(not a self starter and whines about it). Long minute and then he just says "I guess not."

 

We'll have the same argument Monday morning without a miracle. :glare:

[mktkcb]

Oh yeah, I'm right there with you. DS 15 is having one of those years. I don't know if I will survive.

[sweetsouthern]

:grouphug: there as well. i finally land up with the go to your room! and then land up having to explain another 15 minutes "why" she has to go to her room!!! GAAH! i miss when she was little and u could place her there :)

[elise1mds]

I empathize as well. I told my son tonight that I would not be sending him to his usual summer camp this year if he continued to behave like a 2-year-old on a regular basis. His response? *STOMP STOMP STOMP SCREAM*

 

*sigh*

[Tokyomarie]

I.have.soooo.been. there!!! 13-15 or 16 is such a hard time for boys especially. And especially boys who have learning &/or behavioral challenges.

 

This is a book that I found helpful when we were going through this stage: Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach by Howard Glasser & Jennifer Easley.

 

Ross Greene's books are also often recommended: The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible ChildrenandLost at School:Why Our Kids with Behavioral Challenges are Falling Through the Cracks and How We Can Help Them. I am currently reading Lost at School. I haven't read The Explosive Child yet, but probably will soon.

[Mommyfaithe]

:grouphug:

Yep....I hear ya.

[DawnM]

Thank you. I will be adding some books to our library this year.

 

He can be great, if he isn't asked to do anything he doesn't want to do! :tongue_smilie:

 

Dawn

 

I.have.soooo.been. there!!! 13-15 or 16 is such a hard time for boys especially. And especially boys who have learning &/or behavioral challenges.

 

This is a book that I found helpful when we were going through this stage: Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach by Howard Glasser & Jennifer Easley.

 

Ross Greene's books are also often recommended: The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible ChildrenandLost at School:Why Our Kids with Behavioral Challenges are Falling Through the Cracks and How We Can Help Them. I am currently reading Lost at School. I haven't read The Explosive Child yet, but probably will soon.

[funnygirl]

Ross Greene's books are also often recommended: The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

 

I am a huge proponent of Ross Greene's approach. The Explosive Child really helped me understand that my dd isn't CHOOSING to be defiant. It also helped me prioritize which issues were worth battling over, and which ones I had to let go.

[Tokyomarie]

Thank you. I will be adding some books to our library this year.

 

He can be great, if he isn't asked to do anything he doesn't want to do! :tongue_smilie:

 

Dawn

 

The challenge is in figuring out WHY he doesn't want to do something. Avoidance behaviors are more often linked to an "I'm not yet able to do it." We're often more tuned in to thinking in traditional discipline terms, which interprets avoidance behaviors as an "I won't do it and you can't make me."

 

When I first truly began to understand the underlying cognitive development factors behind my son's academic difficulties, I was able to begin approaching school differently. I was able to choose curriculum more effectively. But that was only the beginning.

 

It wasn't until I began to understand that these kids tend to be 2-4 years behind in all those Executive Function skills that allow students to cope with the "soft skills" of organization, planning, initiating, coping with emotions, etc, etc, that a lightbulb went on for me. These skills are what help a child to be able to effectively work together with a tutor (parent or professional) one-on-one to complete a lesson or independently complete homework. Even if the lesson is on the child's academic level, if the child doesn't have these soft skills in place he is missing important cognitive components necessary for engaging in the learning process.

 

When I really "got it" that my son's developmental level in all those skills was more like upper elementary rather than 9th/10th grade, I was able to see that even though he could complete high school level content in his strong areas, he couldn't do it with the same kind of approach to organizing a lesson that my oldest child with good executive skills could manage.

 

Notice that, in the first paragraph, I said, "not YET able to do." Old style approaches to kids with LD assume they'll never be able to do whatever the "it" is so we have to accommodate them forever. I don't want my son to be stuck in the cycle of negative behaviors related to poor EF skills because I know that an 18-20 year old who is still stuck at an 11-12 yr. old EF level is not an employable person. My goal is for my son to become employable, and preferably (given his intelligence) also complete a college degree as well. He's smart. I don't want immature behavior to hold him back, if at all possible. In order to make progress on the immature behavior, I had to begin understanding some non-traditional approaches to gaining cooperation, and learn how to help him develop those all-important EF skills.

 

In our case, it was also helpful to engage professional tutors who are not only crack teachers of their subject but who understand EF development and apply strategies in their teaching to help students overcome their reluctance to engage with the learning process.

 

My son, at age 14, was where your son is today. Some of that was the hormones of early adolescence. But an awful lot of it was related to his learning challenges and immature EF skills. With the various changes I made in how I approach him and getting him involved with outside adults who are skilled in working with children who have academic and behavioral challenges, he is in a much different place today. He still has some typical teenager grumbles about school & home responsibilities, but the daily behavioral struggle is gone!

[klmama]

He hasn't done math in 3 days. Says he can't figure it out. I have asked DH to help him. DH is busy at work and forgets.

 

 

Dawn, have you looked for related videos on the Khan Academy website? There are videos on all levels of math, from basic arithmetic through calculus and linear algebra, so there is probably something there for him. I'm not sure what level your ds is, but I'm guessing the developmental math set is probably the one you want; if that's not right, the arithmetic set is easier, and Developmental Math 2 and Algebra I are more advanced. You could make him a list of what how-to videos to watch for each section of his math assignments and have him play them in order. If he doesn't get something, he can play the video again. The videos alone may be enough for him to understand, and if he still needs a little extra explanation from you on how to do his work as described in his text, at least he's gotten some idea already of how it should work. It would take a little time for you to search for the right video for each section, but it may be worthwhile in reducing stress levels for both of you.

[PeterPan]

In our case, it was also helpful to engage professional tutors who are not only crack teachers of their subject but who understand EF development and apply strategies in their teaching to help students overcome their reluctance to engage with the learning process.

 

Marie, how did you FIND those tutors?

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I really don't know why this helps me, but tracking my son's behaviors somehow makes it easier to ignore.

 

So while he's at the table whining about math, I'm secretly timing how long it takes him to get over the fit, writing what he says and does, and eventually he does the work.

 

Since he's only 7 and not really reading, he has no idea I'm tracking the behavior.

 

It also helps to have a visual chart to make connections in behavior. My 2 biggest "ah ha" moments with ds were on his school work chart and cursing charts.

 

School work was only a problem when I pulled out reading. He would do everything else without a problem so everything else gets done first. Reading instruction is on hold (with a plan) and life is a bit better.

 

His cursing chart made it so clear in black and red marks that he does not ever curse until his sister wakes up. I'm not yet sure if she's antagonizing him from that moment or if her simply being *alive* is bothering him.

 

I only mention this because maybe keeping a log of behavior can better help you keep your emotions out of it, at least in front of him.

[DawnM]

I may have DH look through the videos. Right now he is going TT and they explain things to him.

 

Dh sat down with him and he said the first 10 min. is always a fight, but that my son DOES get it with a little prodding. He finished two lessons this weekend.

 

I have tried the videos with my 7 year old for his level but I honestly have no idea which videos to show my 14 year old....of course, when I mention it he yells, "THAT WON'T HELP" before he even tries them......:glare:

 

Dawn, have you looked for related videos on the Khan Academy website? There are videos on all levels of math, from basic arithmetic through calculus and linear algebra, so there is probably something there for him. I'm not sure what level your ds is, but I'm guessing the developmental math set is probably the one you want; if that's not right, the arithmetic set is easier, and Developmental Math 2 and Algebra I are more advanced. You could make him a list of what how-to videos to watch for each section of his math assignments and have him play them in order. If he doesn't get something, he can play the video again. The videos alone may be enough for him to understand, and if he still needs a little extra explanation from you on how to do his work as described in his text, at least he's gotten some idea already of how it should work. It would take a little time for you to search for the right video for each section, but it may be worthwhile in reducing stress levels for both of you.

[DawnM]

Thank you.

 

I honestly don't know that we can afford private tutors at this point, but if I can work with him and he will let me that would be great.

 

I am on the wait list for academic testing but really may pay for it privately if we don't get in soon.

 

Dawn

 

The challenge is in figuring out WHY he doesn't want to do something. Avoidance behaviors are more often linked to an "I'm not yet able to do it." We're often more tuned in to thinking in traditional discipline terms, which interprets avoidance behaviors as an "I won't do it and you can't make me."

 

When I first truly began to understand the underlying cognitive development factors behind my son's academic difficulties, I was able to begin approaching school differently. I was able to choose curriculum more effectively. But that was only the beginning.

 

It wasn't until I began to understand that these kids tend to be 2-4 years behind in all those Executive Function skills that allow students to cope with the "soft skills" of organization, planning, initiating, coping with emotions, etc, etc, that a lightbulb went on for me. These skills are what help a child to be able to effectively work together with a tutor (parent or professional) one-on-one to complete a lesson or independently complete homework. Even if the lesson is on the child's academic level, if the child doesn't have these soft skills in place he is missing important cognitive components necessary for engaging in the learning process.

 

When I really "got it" that my son's developmental level in all those skills was more like upper elementary rather than 9th/10th grade, I was able to see that even though he could complete high school level content in his strong areas, he couldn't do it with the same kind of approach to organizing a lesson that my oldest child with good executive skills could manage.

 

Notice that, in the first paragraph, I said, "not YET able to do." Old style approaches to kids with LD assume they'll never be able to do whatever the "it" is so we have to accommodate them forever. I don't want my son to be stuck in the cycle of negative behaviors related to poor EF skills because I know that an 18-20 year old who is still stuck at an 11-12 yr. old EF level is not an employable person. My goal is for my son to become employable, and preferably (given his intelligence) also complete a college degree as well. He's smart. I don't want immature behavior to hold him back, if at all possible. In order to make progress on the immature behavior, I had to begin understanding some non-traditional approaches to gaining cooperation, and learn how to help him develop those all-important EF skills.

 

In our case, it was also helpful to engage professional tutors who are not only crack teachers of their subject but who understand EF development and apply strategies in their teaching to help students overcome their reluctance to engage with the learning process.

 

My son, at age 14, was where your son is today. Some of that was the hormones of early adolescence. But an awful lot of it was related to his learning challenges and immature EF skills. With the various changes I made in how I approach him and getting him involved with outside adults who are skilled in working with children who have academic and behavioral challenges, he is in a much different place today. He still has some typical teenager grumbles about school & home responsibilities, but the daily behavioral struggle is gone!

[Tokyomarie]

Thank you.

 

I honestly don't know that we can afford private tutors at this point, but if I can work with him and he will let me that would be great.

 

I am on the wait list for academic testing but really may pay for it privately if we don't get in soon.

 

Dawn

 

Finances is always the challenge. And, honestly, I wouldn't go for a tutor of any kind yet until you've had some testing.

 

IF you can figure out the best way to keep your son engaged and he will allow you to lead & will work reasonably effectively with you there, then choosing the curriculum that will work for him & having the best plan for applying it is where you can put your energy.

 

At 14yo, my son still could not be trusted- and, honestly was not able- to do most of his work independently. He could read his books, and partially handle a computer-based subject with mostly multiple-choice & short-answer questions (SOS history, Bible, science). He would also listen to me read aloud, and could answer mostly fact-based questions on what I had read. BUT, any writing that required formulating more than a sentence or a few phrases and any math or other strongly sequential process required my step-by-step presence. The crazy thing is....my son is actually quite good at math concepts. The sequential aspect of algebra, the lack of math facts fluency, and the writing of all the steps was what was bogging us down.

 

Once we had our eval and spent some time talking with our neuropsychologist, my dh and I were able to see that our son NEEDED outside people to help us get him re-engaged, whether that meant counseling/therapy first or trying specialized tutors first. Our np made it clear that traditional classroom school wasn't the answer. My dh is not a big fan of counseling. After interviewing a few tutors, we settled on two for two different purposes. It was hard, hard, hard, committing to the cost. We are fortunate that we had some money put away for ds's college. I told my husband that we might as well use it because the course our ds was on would mean that he would be unable to go to college unless major improvements could be seen & he got back on track academically. Our tutors were a big part of ds getting to the place where he was willing to follow the lead of an adult and back on track in academics. We did enroll him in a non-traditional high school/college transition program this year. Last year he would not have been successful. This year, thanks to our outside help, he was ready.

 

Once you get some testing, you'll be in better shape to make some good decisions. At that point, you can figure out whether some changes in the way you handle things at home will be enough, or whether you can somehow engage outsiders to help interrupt the negative cycle you're in now.

[Tokyomarie]

Marie, how did you FIND those tutors?

 

We found ours through referral from our neuropsychologist. He gave us a list of people and some intro to each person. We interviewed several and made a choice based on what we felt our son needed most and their style & personality.

[DawnM]

UGH! He just threw some books across the room in frustration.....and I was being CALM and helpful.

 

I just told him he either finishes 2nd class in scouts by May or goes to school. I am DONE.

 

Dawn

[funnygirl]

:grouphug: Nothing like starting Monday morning with a moody child!! Breathe, and give yourself a time out. Make another pot of coffee, or just sit on the internet for awhile. GOOD FOR YOU for staying calm!!

[HiddenJewel]

Dh sat down with him and he said the first 10 min. is always a fight, but that my son DOES get it with a little prodding. He finished two lessons this weekend.

 

I always thought my dd's stubbornness in school was because of a discipline problem. The light dawned pretty clearly one evening when dh was helping her with her math. As soon as she started to understand the material, her attitude completely changed. So when she starts to dig her heels in, I have to remember it is because it is new material and she doesn't think she will be able to do it. But once I sit down with her and calmly walk slowly through the material, she is fine. I also have to make sure that she gets regular protein or she has a harder time handling frustration.

 

The other part of the puzzle is that I have to stay healthy (which in my case is making sure my thyroid stays level) so that I can handle walking her through the angst.

[PeterPan]

We found ours through referral from our neuropsychologist. He gave us a list of people and some intro to each person. We interviewed several and made a choice based on what we felt our son needed most and their style & personality.

 

I totally hadn't thought of that, thanks!!!!!!

[funnygirl]

Mine just swung into a rage so quick we hardly knew what hit us. UGH.

 

More wine and chocolate for all the dear moms!!

[DawnM]

It is noon today....I think I will open up that wine already!

 

UGH!

 

I think I am going to talk to DH and just PAY to have him academically evaluated.

 

I tried to have him do some Wordly Wise today. We haven't done it in quite some time.

 

He LOST it. Stomp, stomp, stomp, yell about everything.....on and on.

 

I LOST it too.....yelling, telling him that all of us suffer because of his tantrums and that school would let him be away from me and give him and me a break.

 

Then I called DH and he said to take away electronics for the day and see about buying some workbook curricula so that I wouldn't have to stress about actually trying to teach him. He doesn't want to learn from me.....and he immediately bucks up when I try to teach him.

 

So, I may be ordering some boring workbooks and call it a year.

 

I really don't know what else to do.

 

Dawn

[PeterPan]

You haven't had him evaluated by a neuropsych yet?? Then yes, absolutely. Like I wouldn't spend a dime on more academics till you get that done. There's no reason to be in the dark. It can take a month or more to get in. Not only will they figure out the academic side, but they can see if there's something the hormonal stuff is aggravating. They might actually be able to point you in a direction of something to DO about it.

 

Get the evals. It's so worth the money.

[DawnM]

We are on the list to get this done by TEACCH for free of a greatly reduced rate.

 

We were told it would be April. Now we are told it is pushed back to June or July.

 

It will cost about $2,500 out of pocket for the same eval.....that is why we haven't done it yet.

 

BTW: He came to me this afternoon and admitted he knew how to do the work, he just didn't want to. :glare:

 

Dawn

 

You haven't had him evaluated by a neuropsych yet?? Then yes, absolutely. Like I wouldn't spend a dime on more academics till you get that done. There's no reason to be in the dark. It can take a month or more to get in. Not only will they figure out the academic side, but they can see if there's something the hormonal stuff is aggravating. They might actually be able to point you in a direction of something to DO about it.

 

Get the evals. It's so worth the money.