Exactly how crazy am I?

[Carrie12345]

Disjointed rambling on my iPad... sorry for the lack of editing!

 

My sister is having some serious but temporary financial issues, and desperately needs to cut back on expenses. She's a single mom with sporatic child support, with a job that has odd hours, so she pays for full time child care plus our mother covers some night and weekend shifts. She's asked to move back in with our parents for a few months to save on rent, but no one is particularly eager for that arrangement. Our parents have the house to themselves for the first time EVER right now, and we kids range from 27 to 37, so it's long overdue. The babysitting already takes a big toll on them. They haven't given her an answer yet.

 

Her maybe-backup plan is to move near me and rent her own place, with me babysitting her 2yo to save daycare costs. This would be relatively difficult for me, as I already have two little ones around while homeschooling the two big ones. On the other hand, I had the littles around while homeschooling all three big kids until recently, so my load *has lightened.

 

Dh and I haven't had an official conversation about this yet, but he did hear my phone call with my sister, and we do plan to talk about it in the morning. He's definitely leery, though. He doesn't want me to be overwhelmed.

 

There is one perk, aside from obviously helping my loved ones - We have no family or close friends nearby right now, so we almost never have anyone to watch OUR kids. A date night a few times a month would be a HUGE thing for our marriage! (Not that there's any trouble, we just miss each other, lol.) My sister would definitely do that in exchange.

 

FWIW, this isn't a presumptuous thing on my sister's part. I've always told her I'd be happy to help homeschool my neice. I just never really had a 2yo in mind when I said it!

 

I think part of dh's hesitation may be because his own sister is struggling, and due to have a baby this spring. She's rebuffed any offers to help that we've made, but maybe he thinks she'll change her mind. I can't save the flipping world here. If two people need help, but only one is asking for it, I'd think that'd take priority.

[Trish]

Well if your sister is normal and not one of these crazy Take Advantage of Everybody In Sight While I Spend My Money On Stupid Stuff people, I would hope someone in the family could help her out. Mom and dad are enjoying the empty nest? I don't know if I could enjoy my eventual empty nest knowing that my (otherwise responsible) children are suffering and I could help.

 

Likewise in your case, if you can help without harming your own family, I think i would try to do so. It seems to me this is what families did in Days Gone By when extended families lived together of necessity and helped out where they could. The modern emphasis in individualism is not always the Virtue it is assumed to be.

 

If your sister is doing her best to pull her weight, I think family members should help out, if they can do so reasonably.

 

Just my perspective.

[LibraryLover]

I've taken care of my sister's child (p/t) for the last 6 years. It's not an issue; we help each other. I know I am not the least bit 'crazy'. We're emotionally close and are good friends.

[eternalknot]

Oh, but I'd jump to her maybe-backup plan in a heartbeat!

 

It'd be a challenge, for sure, but ... IMO, it's a worthwhile challenge. Family is worth the challenge.

 

It's admirable that your husband is looking after your interests, and is concerned about your becoming overwhelmed. You have a bigger-than-normal family already, so you know that one extra kid at this point isn't as difficult as it might be adding to a smaller, older-sibling only family.

 

You may want to have a game plan, maybe run through some scenarios with him AND with your sister before fully committing, as far as the overwhelmed thing. It's always easier to establish this stuff ahead of time. Maybe that'll help ease some of his concerns?

 

With her moving and changing jobs (I assume?) it's a big decision, for sure. I've never regretted these kinds of decisions involving family, even when they've proven challenging (the decisions AND the family LOL). It's family, it's what we do :)

 

I'm with you re: your DH's sister; it's hard to turn down the person looking for help, for the person who might want it but can't or won't seek or accept it. You can work within the framework you're given, right?

[Just Kate]

I just want to say that I think it is wonderful that you are considering helping your sister. I have been in a similar predicament as your sister (not the single mom part, but the needing help from family) and boy is it tough! My family moved in with my parents for almost 2 years due to dh's work situation. We are back to living on our own, but m mom still watches my kids two days per week and she frequently keeps them overnight and gets them to their activities when I am working out of town (a few times per month). I hate that I hàve to rely on others to help me care for my kids, but I am so thankful to be living near my parents again and that they are willing to help.

 

So I guess I would suggest that you set up some type of "rules" so you make sure that your sister doesn't take advantage of you and then if your husband agrees, enjoy helping her out. I am sure you will be as blessed by your generosity as your sister is.

[Rosie_0801]

There's nothing crazy about wanting to help a deserving person's life be less crappy than it could be.

 

My sister is getting married next year, so is starting to talk about life with kids. She took four years to help me out once, and promised a few other times which she reneged on :glare: While she does have virtues, she doesn't waste them on me, yet I've still encouraged her to consider settling near me, because I'm the only one who really would help. I don't particularly like the girl, (and I give her a pain in the belly :p) but if I can do anything to make this stage of life more enjoyable for her than my experience has been, I'll be there to do it as long as she appreciates it.

 

If your sister is reasonable enough to understand that you won't allow her needs to be the straw breaking your back, it sounds like a beneficial situation for all of you.

 

:)

Rosie

Edited December 29, 2011 by Rosie_0801

[Carrie12345]

Thank you all for the feedback! It definitely helps.

 

My sister has gone through many... "issues" in the last dozen years or so, which has strained and even cut off our relationship at times, but she has been on a steadily improving path since becoming pregnant with her daughter. She's learned a lot and grown up a lot, and I have every confidence she'll be just fine after getting over this current hurdle.

 

She IS indeed the type of person who can try to take advantage, maybe even unknowingly, but she also knows that I'M not the type of person to stand for it, iykwim, so that could potentially be a bonus for her "growth". We are at a healthy point in our relationship where I can say "You may get upset when I say this, but here it is," and she'll hear me out even if she doesn't agree.

 

Dh and I will talk in a bit. When going to bed last night, I realized I'm not sure how she would manage interviewing for jobs from so far away or managing moving costs, so that's something to bring up with her.

 

I did forget to mention in my swirl of emotions that my neice is FAR from an easy child and was recently referred for ASD evaluations. Our mother is not comfortable with the whole comcept, but I have a 13 yo Aspie, so that could be a big bonus for my dn.

 

Not sure what's going to actually happen, but I'm feeling slightly less crazy right now! :)

[vettechmomof2]

I would jump at the chance to do that for my brother or my husbands siblings! Have fun!

[Lawana]

One thing to be aware of is difference in parenting philosophy. I babysat my stepgrandaughter 4 or 5 days a week (10 hr days) for almost 4 years─from 8 weeks to almost 4. The most stressful thing for me was spending time and energy to establish standards of behavior that were not shared at home. The most prevalent one being giving into tantrums.:glare:

[Lizzie in Ma]

Oh, but I'd jump to her maybe-backup plan in a heartbeat!

 

It'd be a challenge, for sure, but ... IMO, it's a worthwhile challenge. Family is worth the challenge.

 

It's admirable that your husband is looking after your interests, and is concerned about your becoming overwhelmed. You have a bigger-than-normal family already, so you know that one extra kid at this point isn't as difficult as it might be adding to a smaller, older-sibling only family.

 

You may want to have a game plan, maybe run through some scenarios with him AND with your sister before fully committing, as far as the overwhelmed thing. It's always easier to establish this stuff ahead of time. Maybe that'll help ease some of his concerns?

 

With her moving and changing jobs (I assume?) it's a big decision, for sure. I've never regretted these kinds of decisions involving family, even when they've proven challenging (the decisions AND the family LOL). It's family, it's what we do :)

 

I'm with you re: your DH's sister; it's hard to turn down the person looking for help, for the person who might want it but can't or won't seek or accept it. You can work within the framework you're given, right?

 

Yes. :iagree: Both my sisters and their families have lived with us in times of difficulty. It was a blessing both ways and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

[Lawana]

One thing to be aware of is difference in parenting philosophy. I babysat my stepgrandaughter 4 or 5 days a week (10 hr days) for almost 4 years─from 8 weeks to almost 4. The most stressful thing for me was spending time and energy to establish standards of behavior that were not shared at home. The most prevalent one being giving into tantrums.:glare:

[QuirkyKapers]

How do you feel about helping? Does the thought overwhelm you? Do you start to feel panicky or tied down at the thought? How long would the arrangement go on for? If you start and it isn't working out, will you be able to back out? How do you think your day would change with a 2 yr old? What activities, if any would you have to stop?

 

Just questions! If you have a plan and feel good with it- go for it!

[Chris in VA]

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Sometimes the "3rd alternative" is the best.

She could do 2 or 3 days with a daycare provider and 2 or 3 days with you to cut down on cost. Or the same with your parents.

 

Does moving near you mean a new job? (Are you near your parents? Could you split care with them? I'm unclear on all that.)

 

Actually picking dates and times could keep everything on the up-and-up, including when she could sit for you. Maybe you could reserve every other Thurs night for 4 hours with her or something--the more specific, the less likely taking advantage might happen. I'd say make your arrangement as "professional" as possible and don't bend that much or you will flex yourself right into Angry At Being Taken Advantage Land. I would, anyway.