Abigail4476 Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 ...one of my cousins passed away today. I was talking to his sister on the phone and doing my best to express condolences and then out of nowhere, my mouth outran my brain and I said, "So, are you guys all ready for Christmas?" :( Dolt. I could still kick myself. So hard. In the butt. There was an extended moment of silence, and she finally responded with, "Well, things are kind of derailed.... I apologized immediately, but I hate it when I do the nervous chatter thing. Usually I'm so good at not saying the stupid stuff. Also, (and more importantly) my mother is taking this very hard. My aunt had 13 children. This is #6 to pass away; 3 of those deaths have been in just the last three years, and my aunt died earlier this year. I would so appreciate prayers for my mother and my extended family this week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 :grouphug: Ugh! I'm sorry. I chatter when I'm nervous too. It just isn't a helpful combo, is it? ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggieamy Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 It's so hard to know what to say sometimes. Honestly sometimes thinking about something else is nice. My family has had a heck of a week - my grandmother died on Wednesday and this morning my great aunt, her sister, died. Our families have always been super close so there are tons of phone calls going back and forth between the families. I'm trying to force myself not to ask my cousin's "How are you doing?" when we talk on the phone. Ugh. The answer is not awesome so why do I keep asking?!?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 OH MY WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't even begin to imagine that level of loss!!! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I know you were probably just trying to bring some normalcy into the conversation, or you were very uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. :grouphug: You were trying to reach out. Give yourself a break. You apologized, now you need to forgive yourself.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 :grouphug: My dad and brother both died in a car accident and my mom was out of town. When I got a call from her hours later after her flight landed the first thing I said was, "Hey, did you just get into town?" :001_huh: I was so nervous to talk to my mom because I knew she had to be hurting so much more than I was and I was met with silence as well. To this day I still feel like an idiot and remember that's the first thing I said to my mom. She doesn't seem to remember things quite that way, though. Just keep talking. The thing that bothered me the most after they died was that many quit talking for fear of what they might say or because they didn't know what to say. I enjoyed those that kept talking ~ even if it was nonsense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 I live with my foot in my mouth, and like you I try really hard not to do that! :grouphug: It will be ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coffeetime Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 Just keep talking. The thing that bothered me the most after they died was that many quit talking for fear of what they might say or because they didn't know what to say. I enjoyed those that kept talking ~ even if it was nonsense. :iagree::iagree: I experienced the above as well when my father died. Some quit talking. Others just preferred to pretend like it didn't happen- not even an "I'm sorry". You called. You offered your condolences. You cared. That matters and is what will be remembered. I promise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 I'm so sorry for the losses in your family, but also for how you are feeling about your foot-in-mouth moment. :( It is just awful when our brains can't control our mouths at the most inappropriate times. <sigh> I agree with the PPs. Talking is more important than what you say. Loving and caring and trying matter SO much more than avoiding out of fear. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 just because the death occured at christmas, doesn't mean she doesn't have to consider preparations - especially if she has children. My mother died two years ago yesterday. right before christmas. (I suppose I should thank her for not dying on christmas. my father died on father's day.) If someone had asked me if I was ready for christmas - I would have switched gears, and not have been offended. there was one night I took off to go christmas shopping (and even paid valet parking at the mall.) because I needed to do something else, that was just "normal". I had been intensly involved in my mother's needs for two months before she died, I needed the distraction. I have a dear friend who is a widow. the day her husband died, she had a friend call to ask something about scouts. (the friend had NO clue her husband had just died.). df took it as an opportunity to have a "normal" converstaion, and never mentioned how her day started. she knew her friend would feel horrible about it afterwards, but she didn't care. she wanted to have a normal conversation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myeightkiddies Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MSNative Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 Praying for you and your family. That is hard - especially around the holidays. I agree with pps - not a huge deal. You were calling and caring. She will understand. EVERYONE does stuff like that. I doubt she will even remember. Put it out of your mind and keep staying in touch with her. FTR - you clearly are not a champion "foot in mouth putter" as I am. That would barely register in my world. Awkward, yep. Not F-I-M. If you really feel badly about it, could you send her something that would help her get ready for Christmas? Or, if she's local, you could run by some cookies and a meal, or something else that could help her. That could be a nice gesture and a way to really help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 Don't worry, it's not really that unusual. Grief does odd things to people. At least you had the opportunity to apologize rght away! I always laugh at funerals. It may be weird, but so far nobody has complained about it (to my face, anyway). My mom told me that she came thisclose to saying something to her bereaved aunt about being in the "old widows club" now. Who knows where that came from?! Praying for peace for your family at this season. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 Ok so it was a little awkward but down the road it will be remembered with bemusement. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 I'm so sorry, both for your loss and your feeling of embarrassment over the blunder. I agree with everyone else that she will understand. I also wanted to mention that I am the world's worst at knowing what to say without preparing ahead of time. I have found it helpful to be upfront and tell people (when I'm in a situation like yours), "I don't know what to say, but please know that I care and I'm here if you want to talk." If it would make you feel better, write her a short note and simply tell her that you didn't know what to say and you feel that your comment about being ready for Christmas was insensitive under the circumstances. Tell her that your nervousness can cause massive foot in mouth syndrome. Let her know that if she was offended, you are so sorry, that you care and if she needs anything to let you know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 I'm not sure, but in my mind, I think this is a case for "least said, soonest mended." You apologized. I would not bring it up again. She has plenty of bigger things to worry about than the fact that you asked if she was ready for Christmas. For one thing, she has to talk to so many other people about this and would probably rather not. If you bring it up and apologize again, I would think this would make her feel obligated to use time and energy to reassure you - and she has enough to worry about right now. Of course, I don't know your relative, but that's how it would be with most people I know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 Don't worry, it's not really that unusual. Grief does odd things to people. At least you had the opportunity to apologize rght away! I always laugh at funerals. It may be weird, but so far nobody has complained about it (to my face, anyway). My mom told me that she came thisclose to saying something to her bereaved aunt about being in the "old widows club" now. Who knows where that came from?! Praying for peace for your family at this season. My XH and I...all the family really...burst out laughing at his dad's funeral. It was a graveside service and it was pouring rain....we pulled up and an old friend of the family had this hat on and it was raining so hard the brim was flattenend completely down. Thankfully we were all still in the car and no one heard us....but then when a woman began to sing (she had been asked to sing so we were prepared for that) Amazing Grace none of us knew that it started with "I'm just a woman." And for some reason we started laughing. It was so embarrassing. We were shaking we were laughing so hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abigail4476 Posted December 18, 2011 Author Share Posted December 18, 2011 Thanks, ladies! :001_smile: A little perspective does wonders. I'm looking forward to hugging rarely seen family this week, in spite of the circumstances. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleWMN Posted December 18, 2011 Share Posted December 18, 2011 :iagree::iagree:I experienced the above as well when my father died. Some quit talking. Others just preferred to pretend like it didn't happen- not even an "I'm sorry". You called. You offered your condolences. You cared. That matters and is what will be remembered. I promise. Ditto. I hate it when people pretend my dad didn't exist and he's been gone for three years. I very much appreciate people talking about him, sharing memories, or letting me talk about him. Just keep talking to her. It's better to say something than nothing at all. There's nothing you can say to make it better anyway, and she knows that. Just acknowledging it is good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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