For families with a history of addiction - how do you. . .

[Pegasus]

convey to your DC that they carry an extra risk if they decide to drink or take drugs? I have a strong family history of alcoholism and some drug addiction and I am struggling with how to protect my DC. I recently read that warning your children that these things run in the family can backfire and make them MORE likely to become addicted. Ack! I guess it could become an excuse, "I can't help drinking/drugging, it runs in the family."

 

Just wondering how other families handle this.

 

Thanks,

Pegasus

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

convey to your DC that they carry an extra risk if they decide to drink or take drugs? I have a strong family history of alcoholism and some drug addiction and I am struggling with how to protect my DC. I recently read that warning your children that these things run in the family can backfire and make them MORE likely to become addicted. Ack! I guess it could become an excuse, "I can't help drinking/drugging, it runs in the family."

 

Just wondering how other families handle this.

 

Thanks,

Pegasus

 

Could you link me to this info? I just simply tell my kids. And I tell them that there are MANY kinds of addictive behaviors and that any one of them could derail their lives. Alcohol and drugs might be the least of their worries. They have to be vigilant. I think it would be a gross negligence if I didn't warn them early and often.

 

No excuses, though.

[abbeyej]

My parents basically did as Pam says, and while the addictions are another degree away from my own children, I will be open with them about the fact that they *may* carry a greater risk than some others... But I will also tell them that that does not *condemn* them to addiction, it simply gives them a greater responsibility to themselves not to put themselves in the position to develop those addictions.

 

After one of the catastrophic substance-related incidences in my extended family, my parents briefly became teetotalers. They had only ever drunk alcohol on occasion, but for a time, they decided not to drink at all... After a period of time, and some reading and discussion with others they respected, they decided to continue to drink on occasion as models of moderation looked like. Now that we're adults, my younger brother and his wife choose never, ever to drink. My husband and I do drink on occasion, though not to excess (and sometimes with my parents!)

 

I do make a point not to drink more than two days in a row (and two days in a row is very rare -- usually it's more like once every couple of months, lol). I just know that I consider it risky, given my genetics, to drink to excess or to drink daily.

 

For now, I've only ever talked to my kids about why I don't consider alcohol acceptable for young brains, and why it's important for people not to drink to excess. When they get older, I'll let them know their family history. But not as a point of inevitability -- as one of greater responsibility. I hope that they will take a path of caution, whether it's the one I have chosen or my brother...

[Pegasus]

Could you link me to this info? .

 

Please allow me to serve a full shaker of salt with my statement. I pick up bits and pieces of news stories from several different sources and now I don't remember where I heard/read it. A quick google search didn't turn it up. I'll definitely post back if I remember or find the original reference.

 

It makes sense to me to be upfront and honest with the DC, as you have been with yours. Especially since addiction can be such a family secret. Did I mention a strong family history of denial as well? :glare:

 

Pegasus

[amy g.]

Well, my brother and most of my male cousins have such bad drug and alcohol problems that they can't hold down jobs.

 

I'm very upfront with my kids about the risks. They know that is the reason I don't drink. My Dh doesn't come from the same kind of family. He has a beer about once a week when he mows the lawn, or fixes the car.

 

I think it is good for them to see both options.

 

I have one set of cousins who are very different from the rest. All of the siblings are healthy with prestigious jobs, happy kids and long lasting marriages. I look at what is different about how they were raised.

 

They had two parents who doted on them, and sacrificed for them, and who were very demonstrative in their love. I really think that protected them, even though they grew up affluent in LA surrounded by temptation.

 

With my own kids, I try to keep them from having the "holes" inside that they might try to fill with drugs and alcohol. Dh and I are both very huggy kissy with them. We tell them daily how much we appreciate them, and how lucky we are to have them. We also encourage sports and hobbies that keep them busy.

 

I also prevent them from being in situations where they can try alcohol. I read that people who have their first drink after the age of 18 have a very low chance of developing a drinking problem.

 

I'm interested in reading everyone else's ideas.

[Jenny in Atl]

In my case, they can see first hand some of the effects on my father's health, and the loss of one of their grandmothers to lung cancer (due to smoking).

 

In addition they also see me and their dad drink responsibly. I want to show them that there is a middle path, but not to forget the risks. Does that make any sense?

[abbeyej]

They had two parents who doted on them, and sacrificed for them, and who were very demonstrative in their love. I really think that protected them, even though they grew up affluent in LA surrounded by temptation.

 

With my own kids, I try to keep them from having the "holes" inside that they might try to fill with drugs and alcohol. Dh and I are both very huggy kissy with them. We tell them daily how much we appreciate them, and how lucky we are to have them. We also encourage sports and hobbies that keep them busy.

 

I think this is very wise. Of all the drug and alcohol addicted people in my extended family, I can only think of one who had that sort of family attention and direction -- and it's very possible that in his case the mental illness preceded the self-medication...

 

And those are all things that I think my own parents have done very well with their children.

 

Great observation, Amy!

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Please allow me to serve a full shaker of salt with my statement. I pick up bits and pieces of news stories from several different sources and now I don't remember where I heard/read it. A quick google search didn't turn it up. I'll definitely post back if I remember or find the original reference.

 

It makes sense to me to be upfront and honest with the DC, as you have been with yours. Especially since addiction can be such a family secret. Did I mention a strong family history of denial as well? :glare:

 

Pegasus

 

I think reality is preferable to denial, even when everyone else won't cooperate with revealing the reality. People are not perfect. Even those we love.

 

We've gotten more and more frank about the ways in which alcoholism and gambling addiction and other addictive patterns have affected specific people in our family -- as our children reach adulthood, we simply won't have deep, dark secrets from them. While they are little, life has a simple glow and relatives are charmed. But as they find they have their own "warts" and struggles, others' struggles are gradually revealed.

 

Others may live in denial, but you know what? You don't have to. That's all part of the "good choices" path you want to model for your kids.

 

Does any of this make sense?

 

My ds is in a fraternity on one of the wettest campuses in the US. Because, I believe, of what we have told him (mostly what *I* have told him, though dh was always frank about his family history and what it means as he sees it), he is one of a handful of guys in his house who don't drink. I can see his sister following a similar path of knowledge and good choices. So far so good with this plan, though we'll continue to be hypervigilant with the 4 y/o. Time will tell how it all pans out, but I can't imagine handling it in any way except in the light of the truth, you know?

[amy g.]

I agree that the more you can tell the truth, the better.

[newbie]

I think you should always lead by example. Growing up it was always okay to drink. Long line of drinkers. Both parents, grandparents are alcoholics.

 

I admit to drinking for quite a while not heavy, socially. But my kids were getting older, and I remember what an impact it had on my me growing up. So we dont drink in front of kids anymore.

 

I think it is perfectly okay to drink, when we go out on date nites. I will have one, because I am a light weight now. My dd's know the affects of alcohol and have great morals. I trust their judgement. But, I am not going to expose them to it until they are of drinking age. It might all blow up in my face. But I will feel comfortable in the fact, I did not give it to them.

 

Jeannette

[Joanne]

I recently read that warning your children that these things run in the family can backfire and make them MORE likely to become addicted. Ack! I guess it could become an excuse, "I can't help drinking/drugging, it runs in the family."

 

That's faulty logic. An alcoholic/addict will "use" whatever is convenient to keep drinking/using. If it's a family history that is convenient, they will use that. If they've been molested, they'll use that. If they came from a neglected background, divorce, or it was Tuesday, they'll use that.

 

Alcoholics drink; addicts use drugs. Educating children about their possible genetic predisposition is necessary information, just like any other disease predisposition.

 

The fact is, at least with alcoholism, the *body* of an alcoholic is different than that of a non alcoholic. The function of alcohol in my body creates a need for *more* that the average, temperate drinker does not.

 

You can't *make* an alcoholic; you can't *make* them sober, either. But they can sure use the excuses life offers to justify their behavior.

[Pegasus]

Wow. Lots of great experience and advise here from everyone. Thank you very much.

 

Neither DH or I drink at all but they don't have a model for light to moderate drinking. I can see that would be helpful. They don't spend time with relatives that are still drinking heavily. I also agree with all the advise to be open and honest. However, I will admit to struggling with that. I find it so much easier to be honest and open about **x, to put it in perspective. My tactic so far has been more one of isolating them from alcohol, drugs, and even smoking. Now that my eldest is 11, I really do see the need to start talking. Someone wanna hold my hand? :tongue_smilie: Seriously though, do you talk in general terms "Our family has a history of. . ." or do you start naming names "Uncle Billy is a an alcoholic. It has kept him from holding down a steady job and is the main reason his wife left him. Your beloved Aunt Lil is a recovered alcoholic and cocaine addict. She lost a well-paying job and many friends because of it before she started her path to recovery. etc."

 

Does anyone think it would help if I became involved in al-anon or anything? Would that help me to help my kids?

 

Thanks again.

Pegasus

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well here? My kids see us drink VERY rarely (but very occasionally would be okay too). They also see Grandpa drink more regularly but responsibly.

 

However, they see the family drunks and/or the consequences in the family, with the law, etc.

 

I really think it's a matter of keeping the topic open for discussion and being HONEST. My kids know our histories (the good and the bad). They know what the scriptures say on the topic. They know what is going on with Uncle D or Aunt T. And the list goes on. We are open and honest.

 

My kids are also accountable outside of the home at a certain point (in both my kids cases, already) which I think helps with this and other topics.

 

So, real life, honesty, openness, accountability and example are the things we lean on here.

[Quiver0f10]

Could you link me to this info? I just simply tell my kids. And I tell them that there are MANY kinds of addictive behaviors and that any one of them could derail their lives. Alcohol and drugs might be the least of their worries. They have to be vigilant. I think it would be a gross negligence if I didn't warn them early and often.

 

No excuses, though.

 

 

:iagree: We are very open with our children and have talked about this often. I think open communication is key.

[Staci in MO]

My oldest is eleven, but we tell them, in age-appropriate ways, how certain relatives drank too much and the pain it caused the family because of that. There's more to the story that they will hear when they're older, but so far that's been what they've been told.

 

When they do see adults drinking, they see it done moderately. They are well aware that people can and do drink without losing control.

 

I haven't had time to read all the responses, but I don't agree with the logic that telling them can backfire. The vast majority of people at some point in their lives are going to try alcohol. And since some alcoholics metabolize alcohol differently, they may still struggle with addiction. Not telling them that it may be harder for them seems like a disservice to me.

[Catherine]

totally beneficial. I know my teenage son was shocked when he witnessed his grandfather drinking at 9 AM. It made as strong an impression as anything I could have said, and hearing it talked about, and seeing it with his own eyes, are not even comparable.

 

That said, I would not ever consider letting them spend long periods of time, unsupervised, with family members who are addicted, or with anyone who I think may not be trustworthy.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I have a long history of alcoholism and drug abuse in my family as well. Almost all of my cousins use to some degree and many have been or are in treatment. My biological father died of drug abuse, my biological uncle died of alcoholism, and both sets of grandparents were heavy drinkers.

 

I've been real honest with my dc. I've let them know that I don't drink (dh's family will have wine or beer occasionally, but, dh doesn't) because of my family history. I've talked with them openly about drugs and alcohol and what the consequences are for me to start. I might not be able to stop and then there will be many things that not only I will have to deal with, but, they will have consequences too. It's important to me to not bring that on our family, so I don't even start drinking.

 

When a family member is struggling, I'm open with them. They sense something is wrong anyway, I want them to know that I will be honest with them about it. When they were younger, I would let them know that we need to pray for that particular family member. I don't keep them away from the family. They really are great people who love us and care for us, but, they have a problem we can pray about and love them through.

 

If there was a family member who was abusive in any way to us, I would definitely avoid contact with my dc. But, I live in a family of very functional users who don't get abusive or mean. They use and the average person probably wouldn't even know it.

[wheezie]

I've been open and honest w/ dd (7) about alcohol/drugs for as long as she's been able to understand. There's a string of alcholics in my family, and a few druggies too, so I feel like the more my kids hear about it, the better protected against "it" they'll be.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Peg,

 

You might not just pop up out of the blue and discuss it but maybe during a commercial break after seeing something on tv? Or right after seeing the drive-thru alcohol place?

 

For us, we have plenty of opportunity because we'll get updates about family members fairly regularly. So, a couple days ago, Aunt L told us the sad news about Uncle D who is back drinking and so on. My hubby told me and the kids were there. It helps to know Uncle D has faced some dire consequences (and will again if he keeps up since he's on parole, I think it is?). He even missed the death of his wife because he was in jail 3 hours away. So sad. He's a GREAT guy in many ways but drinking has ruined his life since he was pretty young.

 

Anyway, so when you hear about relatives, express your concerns, sadness, etc. The kids can learn from it. When you see or hear something on tv, in life, on the radio, whatever, discuss it.

 

There is also plenty of literature available to help that you can search and find easily enough. My kids have been fortunate to meet people who have overcome addiction (we believe in a different addiction/recovery model than AA and such). It helps to know people who have had THAT experience also.

[Storm Bay]

We haven't discussed greater genetic risk. However, I have an aunt who was an alcoholic for 30 years. She's been dry for nearly 20. It's no secret to them, although it was to me when I was a child and she was drinking. I've told my kids about it, how she lied and told her dh she was going to AA and then went out drinking. How it destroyed her first marriage, her career, her health. How she ended up getting beat up on "skid row" before getting her own wake up call. How it took six months in a strict rehab centre where she was allowed no visitors except her dh once per week. She's also addicted to cigarettes which she has never given up, and that has also taken quite a toll on her health, so they know about that, too. We don't have very many living smokers in our family. My mil quit at 31 when her 1 yo eldest started playing with the butts in her ashtray.

 

I hate the taste of alcohol, and dh drinks rarely, just one or two drinks at a time. We discuss moderation, and that for some small women, one drink is plenty (or even others)--my eldest looks like she's going to be petite for life, although it depends on the growth predictor we use.

[mcconnellboys]

Well, I tell them about it running in the family, but I also give them example stories of bad things that have happened to these people as a result of the lives they live. More than our own family, we have had a very close relationship with another family that has been just devastated by these addictions.

 

We had an extremely close family friend in Baton Rouge who had been sober for years. My oldest can remember the lengthy hospital, nursing home, and retirement home stays related to us finding him in a coma resulting from a lengthy alcohol induced state of psychosis after he started drinking again. He knows that all this man's belongings had to be sold as we were the ones who had to do it. He knows that he lost his right to drive and his car, etc.

 

He knows that he found a buddy who drank and began drinking again while in the retirement community. They switched to different housing that did not require them to take even one meal a day there so that they could pool all their money for alcohol. They did an out of state road trip with no license between them (both in their 70's) and eventually both disappeared completely. He could be dead for all we know. And probably is. That's been a pretty devastating example for him of how horribly just alcohol can impact one's life, and we emphasize that drugs are even worse. This poor mans children and grandchildren give us enough examples of that and their stories are even worse than his....

 

I think ignorance would be worse than knowledge. I try very hard to emphasize that one drink or a few little drinks for them might turn out to be more addicting than for someone else; ditto for smoking or other drugs. As they grow up, they must guard themselves against participating in things that they know their own bodies may not be able to tolerate. It doesn't matter what someone else can do; if their bodies are not made to stand the impacts of these outside chemicals, then they can't chance bringing those things into their systems.

 

Another thing that has helped steel my older son against drugs, smoking, and alcohol, I think, is that his best friend's older brother is heavily involved in these things and he sees the horrible waste that it is. This kid is constantly in trouble with his family, the law, school, etc. My son is pretty thoroughly disgusted with him in every way, so I think he knows that's not a place he wants to go to....

[Joanne]

I try very hard to emphasize that one drink or a few little drinks for them might turn out to be more addicting than for someone else; ditto for smoking or other drugs. As they grow up, they must guard themselves against participating in things that they know their own bodies may not be able to tolerate. It doesn't matter what someone else can do; if their bodies are not made to stand the impacts of these outside chemicals, then they can't chance bringing those things into their systems

 

Regena,

 

I want to thank you for posting this. I guess since I've grown up around the information that addicted bodies are different (my mom died with 37 years sober), I remain surprised about how many people don't know that the body of an alcoholic and some addicts reacts differently.

 

Nurture, structure, God and other emotional, spiritual and lifestyle proactive endeavors are important - primary even. But they don't change the body of an alcoholic.

 

PS: I was going to rep you but apparently I've repped you recently for another great post.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Wow. Lots of great experience and advise here from everyone. Thank you very much.

 

Neither DH or I drink at all but they don't have a model for light to moderate drinking. I can see that would be helpful. They don't spend time with relatives that are still drinking heavily. I also agree with all the advise to be open and honest. However, I will admit to struggling with that. I find it so much easier to be honest and open about **x, to put it in perspective. My tactic so far has been more one of isolating them from alcohol, drugs, and even smoking. Now that my eldest is 11, I really do see the need to start talking. Someone wanna hold my hand? :tongue_smilie: Seriously though, do you talk in general terms "Our family has a history of. . ." or do you start naming names "Uncle Billy is a an alcoholic. It has kept him from holding down a steady job and is the main reason his wife left him. Your beloved Aunt Lil is a recovered alcoholic and cocaine addict. She lost a well-paying job and many friends because of it before she started her path to recovery. etc."

 

Does anyone think it would help if I became involved in al-anon or anything? Would that help me to help my kids?

 

Thanks again.

Pegasus

 

You know, I didn't have a model of moderate drinking growing up, and that was just fine. I had many models of abstinence. Many models of the fact that one doesn't need alcohol to have a really good time in life. That social situations really don't need alcoholic lubrications to be rip-roaring fun.

 

We used generalities. I told my kids at around 12-ish that I didn't drink until my mid-thirties because I knew I have the tendency to be compulsive. We started to be more specific (naming names, as you say) around age 15. We start talking about specific horrific and personally detailed consequences that family members have faced at around 16-18 as the issues come up.

 

It sounds like you talk talk talk to your kids about important things. Like Joanne says, you would no more ignore this with your kids than if you had a family history of stomach cancer. They would have to know that the choice to ignore GERD, put on weight, live with uncontrolled stress, and smoke cigarettes will be more likely to take years off *their* lives than it might their best friend or neighbor who doesn't share your family's biology.

 

To start, why don't you just open a conversation next time you see someone smoking? "Do you ever wonder why people smoke cigarettes? I know you've seen people smoke, but we don't do that in our family. Do you know much about smoking? Do you have any questions? I keep meaning to talk to you about this, but I always seem to forget."

 

We have a running joke in our family, brought on by those public service announcements about "Talk to your kid about drugs and smoking. If you don't "he" will." (He being the friend with the cigarettes or the booze or the joint.) When one of these commercials come on, we yell for the kids, wherever they are in the house, and when they say, "Yes?", we yell, "Don't smoke! Don't do drugs!" or whatever. And sometimes, we just randomly yell it. (I just now hollered up to my dd not to ride with anyone who has been drinking, ever. She said with her usual chuckle, "Okay." :D) They roll their eyes and laugh. They know we're serious, but we say it so often that it's not The Talk. Kinda like what you're doing by being open about sexuality.

[mcconnellboys]

Thanks, Joanne!

 

Yes, I think it's so important for kids to understand that there is a very real genetic component, as well as other potential biochemistry issues of the body, that affect how each person's body will handle/process any type of chemicals put into it. If you have a family history, such as our friend, where every member is severely affected, then you know going in that there are grave dangers to be faced. If you have a family history of a more quiet form of addiction, such as I see within my own family, there are still dangers, although they may play out over a longer period of time. But they can still be just as destructive over that longer time period.

 

All bodies are not created equal in the ability to process different sorts of chemicals. We see this in the tragedy of what happened when various native peoples of the Americas were introduced to alcohol, for instance. Alcoholism is still a major problem amongst that sub-set of America. And that's only one small example.

 

It is so important, I think, to know our family medical history. And that includes the history of any sort of chemical reactions or dependencies. It will help us not only to protect ourselves as we go about our lives, but hopefully to forewarn our loved ones over the years. Thanks for pointing that out, Joanne.

[TravelingChris]

We have informed our children about both mental illness and substance abuse in our families. My husband's two brothers definitely have abuse problems and in one case, mental illness preceeded that for years. My sister was bipolar and generally had problems with control. I think her bipolar disease was the issue since for the short time she was under control, she had no other issues. Since neither my husband nor I have any such issues, we don't follow any special prohibitions other than legal ones. I used to drink socially and not very frequently but since I am back in the States, i never do since alcohol and tylenol do not mix. (In the US, certain drugs must be combined with tylenol in a silly attempt to prevent abuse. In people who have no issues with addiction, it is not the thing that is stopping us from being drug addicts. With the drug addicts, they couldn't care less about whether they are ruining their livers. In fact, if they think about it at all, they probably figure they are generally ruining their bodies).

[Mekanamom]

 

It makes sense to me to be upfront and honest with the DC, as you have been with yours. Especially since addiction can be such a family secret. Did I mention a strong family history of denial as well? :glare:

 

Pegasus

 

I married into a family with a strong history of alcoholism and denial and secrecy and excuses and scapegoating and enabling...

 

DH did not bring it up with his oldest dd (my step-dd) until she was 18 years old, and he still worries about it "getting back" to certain family members. Even though DH isn't the substance abuser, he is just as caught up in the whole dynamic.

 

Personally, I try to be sensitive to the people & the feelings involved, BUT I will NOT go along with the charade. (This hasn't won me any popularity awards.) Though I didn't interfere with DH's decision to wait to talk to his older dd about it, I have already begun the discussion process with my own kids. They are getting general information at this stage without any fingers pointing at specific family members, though eventually they will know. I am all for open and honest discussion tempered with a certain level of discretion and compassion. Alcoholism runs in the family, there is a genetic component to it, and they need to have that information.

 

My own upbringing was exactly opposite- any alcohol use at all was viewed as a dire sin. No middle ground there.

 

Between the two of us and coming from two extremes, DH and I try model moderation and responsibility...

[Harriet Vane]

I grew up in a family that struggles with addictions on both sides. My father died at the age of 59 from a confluence of health issues related to alcoholism--he looked like a 90-yr-old and could hardly walk across the room in the three years preceding his death. I have several relatives who have suffered with addictions, including some very close to me. One of them will suffer for the rest of her life from the health effects of her drug abuse.

 

As far as I am concerned, secrecy and denial perpetuate the cycle, and I will have NO part of it. I am not aggressive or combative about it with my family, but neither will I participate in the lies and cover-up.

 

Long ago I set a rule for myself about drinking (2 drinks max, never alone, and not every day). I definitely really like alcohol--the taste of it, the way it relaxes me--and for that reason I also made a pact with dh that if he ever feels I am drinking too much, I will give it up for good. So far this works well for us--I have a glass of wine infrequently, on special occasions, perhaps once a month or less??? It does help that I HATE the feeling of being drunk, and avoid that feeling at all costs.

 

With my children we talk openly, in a matter-of-fact fashion, about all aspects of addictions. They are well aware of the risks, but they also know that they can choose better than others in their family have chosen. As they grow up they will know that the risk of addiction, physiologically, for them, is greater than that of many others. I do not think that open, calm discussion will push them one way or the other--on the contrary, I know that fear, secrecy, and deception have a much higher potential to mar their abilities to choose wisely.