Ds22 flew to NYC this a.m. - did not tell me he was going WWD?

[SweetMissMagnolia]

ditto with the other posters-I wouldn't be happy about it but he's a grown-up (whether he acts like it or not LOL)---and if there is trouble with gf for him meeting sister and all he's gotta deal with that too....oh boy....:grouphug:

[Kathleen in VA]

It seems to me that you're mixing a number of issues. And some of them are important and impact you and others are things you need to let go...

 

The two that are important are: 1) An adult who lives in your home needs to have the courtesy of letting you know when plans change radically, so you won't worry. Let him know that it was thoughtless and rude of him not to let you know he would not be home. And that this is a courtesy one would expect of any adult sharing a home -- simply saying/texting , "I caught a plane to NYC and won't be back this morning. I'll let you know the details later" would have saved you a lot of worry. 2) He made a commitment to take his sister somewhere and flaked. Thoughtless and rude to her and also to you / the cousins whom he just figured would magically pick up the slack. He needed to remember his commitment and make alternative arrangements.

 

The rest... Visiting his GF's foreign exchange friend, skipping out on a play, even possibly missing out on a family birthday celebration don't really seem to me like they're your business. You could say, later on, "It hurt my feelings that you blew off my birthday", but I don't think it's an issue where you should be upset that he has done something morally *wrong*.

 

I think it's important to let him know that you aren't trying to "parent" him in the way you would a 14yo. He's an adult. *But* there's a certain level of courtesy and mutual respect we expect in our relationships with other adults. He blew some of those off and should understand that it hurts, frustrates, and annoys those in his life.

 

But if he wants to go to NYC at the last minute, I think that's fine. And I think you need to stay way far away from the relationship with the GF/FE friend.

 

I think I missed this post the first time I read the responses. This is all true and wise. Thanks.:)

 

I'm going to ignore the birthday thing. I have to admit it made me feel kind of sad, but I know him well enough not to take it personally. It'll hit him some other day and he will apologize and feel bad and that'll be ok. I'm not going to bring it up or stew about it. However, if he does get married someday I will send an email reminder to buy her a card and some flowers.:D

[Kathleen in VA]

ditto with the other posters-I wouldn't be happy about it but he's a grown-up (whether he acts like it or not LOL)---and if there is trouble with gf for him meeting sister and all he's gotta deal with that too....oh boy....:grouphug:

 

I'm having a very tough time thinking of him as a "man." Everyone keeps saying men do these things and men can act like this and my mind is still trying to comprehend that this guy really is a man.:tongue_smilie:

[Cindyg]

This would not fly in my home -- not when I was 22 (my mom would have KILLED me!) and not when my son is 22. (I would be asking him to find other living arrangments.)

 

As a PP poster said, none of the other adults who live in this house is free to leave the state without informing anyone else. DS should be no exception.

 

I would try not to make a big deal your birthday. He's not going to get that, and it will seem petty. And there were other holiday plans (a play, I believe). He screwed up. Not a criminal offense, but he messed up other people's plans.

 

I don't think your DS will be popping the question to his girlfriend this holiday. And if he does, I don't think y'all will be planning a wedding any time soon.

[Kathleen in VA]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

If he is considering popping the question, he's probably not capable of logical thought. Did he fly to see the other friend to gather courage, get advice, see if he could do something crazy.

 

I agree about the ditch comment, "please let me know in the future, so I don't worry. I am your mother."

 

My dh was known to take off on adventures. I did as well, but mine were better planned. I've already asked dh how he will feel about ds doing stuff like that. He had no response. It's fun when you're the one being spontaneous, it's not if you're left worrying.

 

I would have him make it up to your dd. :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Yup.

 

Also, I agree with you on the logical thought thing too. I mean, how can you understand the inner workings of a computer and be able to set up your own server with stuff you bought one by one off of ebay and work in the computer field and still not be able to think logically. And, yet, there he is. I guess he has two compartments in his brain - one for math/computer/geek stuff and another for people stuff. The people stuff compartment is malfunctioning - always has.

[Sandy in Indy]

It would be a HUGE deal in my house if my son (he's almost 21 not 23) took off like that. It would be one thing if he had an apartment and was supporting himself. Then, yes, he's free to do whatever. If he's still living in your house, then the rules change. Adult does not =age. Adult = action.

 

That said, he's in what I like to call "the STUPID phase." It's that period when kids think they are adults because of their age, but their actions and decisions do not bear that out. Flying to another city at the last minute without notifying anyone qualifies as one of those decisions. House rules do not fly out the door when kids turn 21. He had an obligation to let you know BEFORE he left since he is a resident in YOUR home.

 

Parenting is much harder at this end. It was easier when the kids were 2.

[Kathleen in VA]

It would be a HUGE deal in my house if my son (he's almost 21 not 23) took off like that. It would be one thing if he had an apartment and was supporting himself. Then, yes, he's free to do whatever. If he's still living in your house, then the rules change. Adult does not =age. Adult = action.

 

That said, he's in what I like to call "the STUPID phase." It's that period when kids think they are adults because of their age, but their actions and decisions do not bear that out. Flying to another city at the last minute without notifying anyone qualifies as one of those decisions. House rules do not fly out the door when kids turn 21. He had an obligation to let you know BEFORE he left since he is a resident in YOUR home.

 

Parenting is much harder at this end. It was easier when the kids were 2.

 

Amen and Amen!

 

Of course, I don't remember ever doing anything stupid.:D

[Myeightkiddies]

It would be a HUGE deal in my house if my son (he's almost 21 not 23) took off like that. It would be one thing if he had an apartment and was supporting himself. Then, yes, he's free to do whatever. If he's still living in your house, then the rules change. Adult does not =age. Adult = action.

 

That said, he's in what I like to call "the STUPID phase." It's that period when kids think they are adults because of their age, but their actions and decisions do not bear that out. Flying to another city at the last minute without notifying anyone qualifies as one of those decisions. House rules do not fly out the door when kids turn 21. He had an obligation to let you know BEFORE he left since he is a resident in YOUR home.

 

Parenting is much harder at this end. It was easier when the kids were 2.

 

:iagree:

Letting people know is so easy now-a-days. With cell phones and texting, it is convenient for anyone, including "scattered-brained" males (or females) to drop a note to someone. Being care-free isn't really a good excuse for anyone to be inconsiderate, especially now.

 

If I didn't come home or was incredibly late or flew to another state, I would let my family know, and I own the house where I live. If I am willing to inform others out of consideration, at my age, as the house-owner, I don't think it is too much to ask adult children do the same.

 

I've gone through this myself. Typically once you let them understand that it isn't them asking permission but being considerate, they usually take the time to share their plans.

[Kathleen in VA]

:iagree:

Letting people know is so easy now-a-days. With cell phones and texting, it is convenient for anyone, including "scattered-brained" males (or females) to drop a note to someone. Being care-free isn't really a good excuse for anyone to be inconsiderate, especially now.

 

If I didn't come home or was incredibly late or flew to another state, I would let my family know, and I own the house where I live. If I am willing to inform others out of consideration, at my age, as the house-owner, I don't think it is too much to ask adult children do the same.

 

I've gone through this myself. Typically once you let them understand that it isn't them asking permission but being considerate, they usually take the time to share their plans.

 

Yes, I agree. And I probably brought this on myself in some small way because I would definitely have tried to talk him out of it - too abrupt for my way of thinking - and he wouldn't have wanted to have to explain himself even if he was sure it was the right thing to do. I would have told him he didn't need my permission, but I certainly would have tried to talk him out of it. He probably knew that and just didn't want to deal with that.

[Zebra]

The only thing I see as rude is him agreeing to drive someone somewhere, and not taking care of that. Other than that, I don't really see what he did wrong. I can see why it upset you though. Adults living together is a hard thing to navigate!

 

When men get married, a lot times that is the motivation they need to grow up. DH and I both were "immature" when we got married, but being married and having to take care of ourselves made us grow up.

 

It seems to me that it might be time for your DS to move out. Maybe he is feeling that too. :grouphug:

[lynn]

He's young. A call would have been good. It would not bother me if my ds did that as long as he let me in on it. I wish I had done more things like that when I was young and before kids.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Yes, I agree. And I probably brought this on myself in some small way because I would definitely have tried to talk him out of it - too abrupt for my way of thinking - and he wouldn't have wanted to have to explain himself even if he was sure it was the right thing to do. I would have told him he didn't need my permission, but I certainly would have tried to talk him out of it. He probably knew that and just didn't want to deal with that.

 

I would point out to him that even if he was having problems with his phone, he probably could have emailed (I'm assuming he bought the tickets online) and let you know.

 

It's fine (imho) to grow up and shed the level of childish obedience to ones parents. But the exhange is for adult courtesy towards others. That applies not only to letting you know so you wouldn't worry, but also to informing you and his sister that he would be missing previous committments. He probably also ought have called his cousins and asked if they could drive to the play. Because that's what grown ups do when they have to make last minute changes.

 

In my head, the spur of the moment trip that assumed everyone else would accomodate his change of mind is the most childish part of the escapade. Be spontaneous, but take adult responsibility for the whole thing.

[T'smom]

I know it's not the right thing to do, but I'd be really tempted to turn the tables on him. Tell him you're going to be somewhere and then not show up. I think his sister and cousins have the right to be ticked off. I would be explaining very. clearly. that 'men' do not let their gf's or parents (or roommates) worry abou them. "Men" do not flake on commitments. Actions and behavior determine the difference between a boy and a man and I'd ask him which he wanted to be.

I would emphasize that the nice thing about being 23 and having disposable income is doing things like flying to NYC at the last minute. It's fun. He should totally embrace doing things like that before he has kids. But he should do it in a considerate way- honoring all commitments that he's made. Maybe he doesn't see driving his sister as a big enough deal to mean missing out on this opportunity, but he should've called his cousins and said "hey, could you go get sis because I'm not going to be able to". And if you don't honor commitments, people are going to be ticked off with you.

[T'smom]

I would point out to him that even if he was having problems with his phone, he probably could have emailed (I'm assuming he bought the tickets online) and let you know.

 

It's fine (imho) to grow up and shed the level of childish obedience to ones parents. But the exhange is for adult courtesy towards others. That applies not only to letting you know so you wouldn't worry, but also to informing you and his sister that he would be missing previous committments. He probably also ought have called his cousins and asked if they could drive to the play. Because that's what grown ups do when they have to make last minute changes.

 

In my head, the spur of the moment trip that assumed everyone else would accomodate his change of mind is the most childish part of the escapade. Be spontaneous, but take adult responsibility for the whole thing.

 

 

:iagree::iagree: And you said it much more eloquently than I!

[eternalknot]

Yes, I agree. And I probably brought this on myself in some small way because I would definitely have tried to talk him out of it - too abrupt for my way of thinking - and he wouldn't have wanted to have to explain himself even if he was sure it was the right thing to do. I would have told him he didn't need my permission, but I certainly would have tried to talk him out of it. He probably knew that and just didn't want to deal with that.

 

 

:grouphug: That was my first thought when I read the OP, but I wasn't sure how to suggest that delicately. My MIL is like that, and it comes from a really good and loving place but because of her typical reactions my husband found it easier to just exclude her from the loop. He did it at 18, and still does it now - out of habit, more than anything else.

 

Maybe when you give him the talk on consideration/worry, you can acknowledge to him that you know this about you. Maybe you two can come up with a plan -- like, a text is acceptable ("Heads up, mom, I'm going to be out of touch for a few hours but will call you this afternoon") on his end, and on your end you'll bite your tongue and wait the few hours for his call.

 

He needs to know and understand how worried you are, not just because he's your son but because of his wonky work/sleep schedule; you're completely warranted!

[astrid]

it sounds to me as if maybe he went to nyc to see the foreign exchange student..... and that is something altogether different.

 

plane tickets are rarely cheap at the last moment..... even standby can be more than reserved tickets when there is a good deal.

 

Um, that was my first thought.

Sounds like there's more to this story---

 

astrid

[Harriet Vane]

I would have a talk when he got back about why it's courteous and reasonable and what adults do to let others know of their whereabouts and significant changes in plans. Certainly the people you live with should know when you're flying somewhere unless that's just a normal part of your life.

 

I would not expect him to ask if it were OK. That would be his call. I would remind him about the commitments and plans that were made that involved him and that an adult would be expect to have arranged for his commitments to be covered and to take into consideration things like birthday celebrations when they decided to take an impromptu trip.

 

:iagree:

[georgialee]

As his mother I would be upset and baffled. BUT there are not many years in your life when you have that type of freedom... let him enjoy it while he has it.

[Catwoman]

I called him back and asked him how gf was handling this and he said all was well.

 

She's probably just lulling him into a false sense of security until he gets there... :tongue_smilie:

 

I can't imagine that she wouldn't have serious issues with the "Flying to New York to Meet the Foreign Exchange Chick Situation," unless she already knows that Exchange Chick is a dead ringer for Hulk Hogan, except she's not quite as feminine as he is. ;)

[kalanamak]

I'm thinking gf is not going to be cool with this. If I were gf I would not be cool with that.

 

Either a guy is loyal or he isn't. Cranking down the safety valve will only work so long, and it is exhausting and humiliating, as well. I'd much rather he show his colors before marrying, so, as a gf, I would be very cool with that. If any time he shows any friendship towards another woman I have REAL reason to worry about his loyalty, better off without him, I say.

[abbeyej]

...However, if he does get married someday I will send an email reminder to buy her a card and some flowers.:D

 

Roflol! *Extremely* wise. ;)

 

(My brother has a little trouble with this too. He loves his wife, really and truly means well, and has gotten *so* much better as a married adult, but there are still times when he puts it off way too long and feelings get hurt...)