Thank you ladies for your prayers and words! (more inside)

[Nestof3]

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you ladies for the wonderful words of encouragement, the prayers and the sweet emails.

 

I plan to print them out tonight and meditate on them tomorrow while my husband is working.

 

He sought me out when he arrived home from work to hug me. We have actually gotten to the point where we just say hello when he comes home, so this was a big deal.

 

I also wanted to make a couple of quick comments to clear up any confusion. I had a few people comment that I did not look old enough to have an 18 year old. This is because my 18 year old is technically my step-son, but I never call him that. He has called me mom since Day 1. I am 36 years old, while my husband will turn 49 next month. We have been married for almost 10 years.

 

I also wanted to make sure everyone was clear that my husband has never been abusive in any way, he is a wonderful provider, a hard-working man, and has been physically faithful. There are also no p_rn problems or anything like that. I truly do know this.

 

I personally just feel blah because I am carrying extra weight which I cannot seem to lose, and I just cannot compare to the thousands of ladies who attract the eye of men. Though charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, they seem to be one of the most important things to a man.

 

We have just come to a place where there's not much togetherness, not much zest, and not much closeness.

[Jami]

We have been married for almost 10 years.

 

 

 

I didn't know how long you had been married in your first post, but I know that our marriage hit a rough patch in our 10th year, as did the marriages of several of our friends. If your husband is willing to consider it, counseling with a wise Christian counselor has helped many we know through these rough patches. Even if there aren't "huge" issues, having someone who knows how to draw out the right questions and lead a conversation where a couple needs to go can be invaluable. :grouphug:

[newbie]

Lookee there all the prayers and good energy worked. Bravo to you and dh. Didnt chime in earlier, but been there. We are just coming out of slump. Its all about hills and valleys.

 

Blessings and you look good,

Jeannette

[Pensguys]

Are YOU comparing yourself to all the other women out there, or is HE doing it? If he isn't doing it, then just do what you can do to make yourself more presentable to him and, in turn, you will feel better about yourself. There is something about exercise that makes me feel so much better about myself when I do it.

 

I've recently gained back 20 lbs that I lost over the past year or so, so I know how you can feel so down about yourself. I can't get off the sweets bandwagon right now, but I'm taking baby steps.

 

My dh is alot older than me like you and your dh (I'm 40 and dh is 57). Sometimes, he gets in a "slump" I call it....or I've called it his "cave". We can feel so much apart, but usually he comes out of that "funk" after a few days and things are "back to normal". I know this may sound weird to many here, but my dh and I actually stay in separate rooms most nights to watch TV. While the kids are up, we are all usually together here and there, and once they go to bed, I spend a little time with him just snuggling. He goes to bed really early (and gets up early) and I'm a night owl. He falls to sleep usually pretty quickly after we snuggle a bit, so I just go do my own thing and relax.

 

I'm so happy to hear that he came to find you to give you a hug when he came home.....why don't you try that from your end tomorrow? :001_smile: Meet him at the door (or near) to hug him. Little baby steps may be just the start to getting your relationship back to where it needs to be.

 

I'll be thinking and praying for you.

[kalanamak]

As I have aged, I feel more and more the meaning of the closing lines of Intimations of Immortality, esp. grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind. Much can be done, gained, celebrated from duty done with a cheerful and pleased mind. Maybe I'm mistaken, but it feels like wisdom to me.

 

What though the radiance which was once so bright 180 Be now for ever taken from my sight, Though nothing can bring back the hour Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower; We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind; 185 In the primal sympathy Which having been must ever be; In the soothing thoughts that spring Out of human suffering; In the faith that looks through death, 190 In years that bring the philosophic mind. And O ye Fountains, Meadows, Hills, and Groves, Forebode not any severing of our loves! Yet in my heart of hearts I feel your might; I only have relinquish'd one delight 195 To live beneath your more habitual sway. I love the brooks which down their channels fret, Even more than when I tripp'd lightly as they; The innocent brightness of a new-born Day Is lovely yet; 200 The clouds that gather round the setting sun Do take a sober colouring from an eye That hath kept watch o'er man's mortality; Another race hath been, and other palms are won. Thanks to the human heart by which we live, 205 Thanks to its tenderness, its joys, and fears, To me the meanest flower that blows can give Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears.

[Adrianne]

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you ladies for the wonderful words of encouragement, the prayers and the sweet emails.

 

I plan to print them out tonight and meditate on them tomorrow while my husband is working.

 

He sought me out when he arrived home from work to hug me. We have actually gotten to the point where we just say hello when he comes home, so this was a big deal.

 

I also wanted to make a couple of quick comments to clear up any confusion. I had a few people comment that I did not look old enough to have an 18 year old. This is because my 18 year old is technically my step-son, but I never call him that. He has called me mom since Day 1. I am 36 years old, while my husband will turn 49 next month. We have been married for almost 10 years.

 

I also wanted to make sure everyone was clear that my husband has never been abusive in any way, he is a wonderful provider, a hard-working man, and has been physically faithful. There are also no p_rn problems or anything like that. I truly do know this.

 

I personally just feel blah because I am carrying extra weight which I cannot seem to lose, and I just cannot compare to the thousands of ladies who attract the eye of men. Though charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, they seem to be one of the most important things to a man.

 

We have just come to a place where there's not much togetherness, not much zest, and not much closeness.

 

I know exactly how you feel. Dh and I have been married for ten years and sometimes it is hard to keep things going. We had a few problems a year or so ago and underwent counseling. It helped tremendously. It got us to open up and talk about things that I guess we had taken for granted. It helped us to become closer while allowing us to work on some issues.

 

Things are by no means perfect for us, but I really feel we are moving forward not stagnant like we were before.

 

You are not alone! :grouphug:

[Kelli in TN]

I am going to say something to you that is not really that characteristic for me. In fact only two ladies on these forums are going to nod their head and say "Yep, that works for her marriage."

 

 

I am blushing.

 

 

 

I am not the sort to talk about these things.

 

 

 

 

But if he sought you out for a hug, he probably loves you.

 

 

And he is wondering if you love him. And the way to a man's heart is NOT through his stomach.

 

A good man is not looking at the extra pounds as much as you are. He just wants to feel loved.

 

Honey, you two need to get your groove on, the sooner the better. You need to rock his boat, big time. It won't fix everything but you will be amazed at how much it opens things up. That's all I am going to say about that.

[Jugglin'5]

But if he sought you out for a hug, he probably loves you.

 

 

And he is wondering if you love him. And the way to a man's heart is NOT through his stomach.

 

A good man is not looking at the extra pounds as much as you are. He just wants to feel loved.

 

Honey, you two need to get your groove on, the sooner the better. You need to rock his boat, big time. It won't fix everything but you will be amazed at how much it opens things up. That's all I am going to say about that.

:iagree: It sounds like he was making an overture. Make one back!

[Pensguys]

I am going to say something to you that is not really that characteristic for me. In fact only two ladies on these forums are going to nod their head and say "Yep, that works for her marriage."

 

 

I am blushing.

 

 

 

I am not the sort to talk about these things.

 

 

 

 

But if he sought you out for a hug, he probably loves you.

 

 

And he is wondering if you love him. And the way to a man's heart is NOT through his stomach.

 

A good man is not looking at the extra pounds as much as you are. He just wants to feel loved.

 

Honey, you two need to get your groove on, the sooner the better. You need to rock his boat, big time. It won't fix everything but you will be amazed at how much it opens things up. That's all I am going to say about that.

 

Kelli, hasn't talked to ME about these things (I'm just sayin') but :iagree:.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Kelli, hasn't talked to ME about these things (I'm just sayin') but :iagree:.

 

but :iagree:

 

I always say it's God's joke on us. Men need s*x to bring out their emotional connections to us. We need emotional connections to bring out our desire for s*x with them. FWIW, I say follow Kellie's advice (and Marvin Gaye's too)....

 

;)

 

K

[3lilreds in NC]

(((Dawn))), I carry LOTS of extra pounds. I hate it and it's hard for me to feel like I want to be close to my dh too. But, he really doesn't seem to care about that. I don't know how, but he loves me in spite of it and wants to be close to me anyway.

 

I would like to add my support to the suggestion that you make an overture to your dh since he came and made one to you. Don't let that go by unacknowledged. It could be the first step down the road to healing.

 

Also, at 9-10 years is when things really fell apart in our marriage, too. I think it's pretty common. The blinders come off, so to speak, and you get to deal with reality. It stinks, but it will be better on the other side. We hit rock bottom and I was ready to leave - and if I'd had a job, I would have, believe me. My dh, even though he was the hostile one at that time, did not want me to go. I didn't see how it could possibly be the right thing to stay when I hurt so badly, but God told me I did not have permission to leave. So, I stayed (and pouted at God). I told my dh that I wouldn't leave but I wouldn't like it, either. (Can you believe that I am an adult? I'm laughing at myself just reading this. I sulked like a teenager.)

 

God turned our marriage around. There is no other possible explanation for our marriage to be intact. All I can tell you is, I am so glad that I stayed. It's worth the pain we went through to have what we have now. Our marriage is far from perfect, but we know we can weather tough things together and our relationship is stronger for it.

 

I am praying for you. My heart breaks for you. I hope that things look up soon.

[Stacie]

I am going to say something to you that is not really that characteristic for me. In fact only two ladies on these forums are going to nod their head and say "Yep, that works for her marriage."

 

 

I am blushing.

 

 

 

I am not the sort to talk about these things.

 

 

 

 

But if he sought you out for a hug, he probably loves you.

 

 

And he is wondering if you love him. And the way to a man's heart is NOT through his stomach.

 

A good man is not looking at the extra pounds as much as you are. He just wants to feel loved.

 

Honey, you two need to get your groove on, the sooner the better. You need to rock his boat, big time. It won't fix everything but you will be amazed at how much it opens things up. That's all I am going to say about that.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Make it a spousal poker game. "I match your hug and raise you a smooch." I'm sure he'll take the next hand. Send the kids outside to play, then have a sweet little make out session in the kitchen when he gets home. Give him something to think about all evening, and see where it leads later.

 

We've been married 15 years and have had quite a few peaks and valleys. Some valleys are lower than others, but they're usually followed by a higher peak. Some upward turns begin with an emotional connection, some with a physical. They do contribute to each other with a surprising synergy, though. Begin with what feels right and let the other aspects follow suit.

 

I'm so thrilled he reached out. Take advantage of it. ;)

[Peela]

 

We have just come to a place where there's not much togetherness, not much zest, and not much closeness.

 

I don't mean to sound trite or,,I don't know what the word is...its easy to give advice and hard to live what you give, and I am sure people have said something along these lines already, I haven't read them all....but, years ago I read some stuff about relationships, and the author used the term "seasons". As in, there are seasons in relationships. He talked about the fact that most relationships do go through some sort of "winter" at times. And mine has, and for some reason those simple words have tided me over, just thinking of it as a season...because it feels like its going to be forever at the time, because winter is a kind of death. The past dies, everything that once was joyous dies. But it has to, for the new to come in, but you have to let go and just let it be as it is, without trying to "fix it" and make it like it was, like you think it should be...you have to let something new come in. It will come, something will stir in you.

 

Hey, if carrying some weight makes you necessarily unattractive, most women I know would be unattractive. Its not the weight, its how you feel about yourself, how you carry yourself, your confidence. I know many women, including a close friend, who carry a fair bit of weight, but who are attractive- my close friend is a stunner but is probably 10 kgs overweight. So don't put that on yourself either, because it puts your happiness onto something that isn't true, and its in the future- when you will lose weight. Now, you are fine.

[drama_mama]

My marriage is ending so advice from me might be a little absurd but we have been married 10 years also and my attorney said that the average length of a marriage that ends in divorce is 9 years and 8 months or something like that so there may be something about that 10 years that makes or breaks people.

[Nestof3]

Thanks ladies. I think more than anything, that particular hug was an intentional "I'm going to help get our marriage back on track" after our huge argument/discussion the night before. He may not have even felt like hugging me at that moment, but he made an effort to lead our marriage back to a healthy state.

 

He was "compensated" so to speak, and I have tried really hard to be willing and even proactive because I know it is a strong need in a man. There are times it's the last thing on earth I want and times it's not, but we have been very open throughout our marriage, read tons of books and so forth. He has been very open about how a man is wired, and I about me.

 

And, since emotions play such a role in my approach on the whole thing, it's difficult when there are stresses in other areas -- like his relationship with the boys, the feeling that we have nothing in common anymore, him being over his job in the sense that it is a huge pressure to provide, to work long hours in the heat, to have his oldest son leaving as his right hand man to start college and so forth. We are both a bundle of nerves at times now. So, yes, we have several things to work on here. These are really the larger issues, you know?

 

On a personal note, in answer to some words of wisdom, I agree exercise really improves self-image. It's frustrating for me because I weighed 20 pounds less when I met my husband. I was walking every day then, eating about as well as I am now, but younger. Eventhough as a woman I still felt "fat" I honestly felt pretty good about my body.

 

I ride my indoor bike almost daily for an hour. Last summer I was walking on my treadmill for 2 hours. I have almost completely stopped eating after dinner to cut back calories. I just cannot seem to get below 130. I have for a couple of spells gotten smaller and then gained it all back. Excessive weight is an issue with my husband, meaning I know he would have a hard time finding me attractive if I were significantly overweight, so I'm always trying to make sure I don't get to that point.

 

Also, the mid 30's wrinkles have set in and I officially feel old. I am actually getting white hairs already. I had no idea this happens so soon.

 

So, anyway, it gets frustrating when we cannot go anywhere together where we are not surrounded by women wearing clothes that beg "look at my body" -- and who isn't going to want to look? My husband is not in the category of men who seek out satisfaction from other women whether it be in real life, magazines, internet, etc. -- I'm just talking about the constant bombardment of flesh that every man is tempted to gaze upon. After a while, I just begin to feel invisible. Sometimes I feel like I'm just the one he has to settle with when the day is done. And how disappointing that must be.

[wagnfun]

but :iagree:

 

I always say it's God's joke on us. Men need s*x to bring out their emotional connections to us. We need emotional connections to bring out our desire for s*x with them. FWIW' date=' I say follow Kellie's advice (and Marvin Gaye's too)....

 

;)

 

K[/quote']

 

absolutely! I asked dh once what it was about the s*x that he wanted/liked/missed when he was out of town on business. He said it wasn't really the action, although that was nice too :tongue_smilie:, it was the being close, skin contact, open to each other, no distractions part. When that happens on a regular basis, he felt like we were more connected.

 

And on a sidenote: don't underestimate the power of decorating for xmas neked.. (yes yes send the kids away)

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

On a personal note, in answer to some words of wisdom, I agree exercise really improves self-image. It's frustrating for me because I weighed 20 pounds less when I met my husband. I was walking every day then, eating about as well as I am now, but younger. Eventhough as a woman I still felt "fat" I honestly felt pretty good about my body.

 

I ride my indoor bike almost daily for an hour. Last summer I was walking on my treadmill for 2 hours. I have almost completely stopped eating after dinner to cut back calories. I just cannot seem to get below 130. I have for a couple of spells gotten smaller and then gained it all back. Excessive weight is an issue with my husband, meaning I know he would have a hard time finding me attractive if I were significantly overweight, so I'm always trying to make sure I don't get to that point.

 

Also, the mid 30's wrinkles have set in and I officially feel old. I am actually getting white hairs already. I had no idea this happens so soon.

 

So, anyway, it gets frustrating when we cannot go anywhere together where we are not surrounded by women wearing clothes that beg "look at my body" -- and who isn't going to want to look? My husband is not in the category of men who seek out satisfaction from other women whether it be in real life, magazines, internet, etc. -- I'm just talking about the constant bombardment of flesh that every man is tempted to gaze upon. After a while, I just begin to feel invisible. Sometimes I feel like I'm just the one he has to settle with when the day is done. And how disappointing that must be.

 

You sound a lot like me. I'm 5'4 1/2 and I weigh between 130-140. My best weight it 125. I haven't seen that since I turned 40. I was very depressed at my inability to get to my perfect weight (I have weight issues due to the chronic obesity in my family).

 

Over the last year or so I have updated my wardrobe based on comments my dh has made about what other women are wearing. I have switched from classic cut jeans to low-riders/boot cut and more form-fitting t-shirts that accent my curves without showing a bunch of skin. I've switched from regular panties to thongs and boyshorts and from regular bras to the more padded/molded cup bras. I gave up my flannel pj tops for camisols. All these changes to my wardrobe I did for him although I didn't feel like ME when I wore them -- now make me feel s*xy and youthful. My dh has shown much appreciation to the changes. I know it sounds superficial, but the changes I made to my outside appearance have altered the view I have of my innerself. I am not just N&Z's mom, but Rocketmike's wife and lover.

 

It's a good thing.

 

K

married 18 years this summer.

 

Together for 22.

 

Best years have been the last 2. ;P

[Reya]

Feeling unattractive and being unattractive--to a spouse or others--isn't as connected as women often think. I'm not beautiful by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm pretty and terminally cute in a way that a lot of men really, really like. I'm also built like a Barbie doll. As a result, I get noticed by men a LOT if I'm just a little bit dressed up--hair neat, wearing slacks and a nice, no-cleavage blouse, etc. If I wear make up, I'm almost guaranteed to get more than looks but actual comments. If I'm really dressed up (for dinner or a dance) and have to run in somewhere to get a jug of milk or whatever, I'll get a stop-stare-grin reaction from multiple men. Yes, with DH along. (He finds it amusing, thank goodness, and it makes him kinda proud of me, weirdly, and he loves getting the "you lucky dog" comments.) I get hit on loading groceries into a MINIVAN.

 

But....

 

None of this keeps me from feeling ugly and very unlovely when the relationship with DH isn't there. It isn't anything he does that's bad or wrong. He never insults my appearance. He never explicitly turns away. But when the relationship isn't there, I feel like a dog. I begin to look forward hungrily to compliments from strangers as some sort of reassurance that I am still attractive--even though it's stupid and meaningless when it's coming from strangers. When I start feeling like I need other men's approval, that's a sign to me that things have taken a nosedive in my marriage, and I need to fix it NOW.

 

So....my feeling ugly really has very little to do with how I really look and everything to do with how I look at our marriage at the moment. I feel like it has something to do with my looks, but that's really just a transference of my other insecurities to the most superficial level.

 

(I pretty much let DH's taste choose my clothes because I really, really don't care. The only change is that I show less flesh than he likes--for public consumption, at least! But I don't like to, well, *bait* strange men, if that makes sense. So DH might like looking at it, but I draw some hard lines about what's for public view, especially during the day.)

[dirty ethel rackham]

Dawn,

 

Having been in the season where you are, here are a couple things that helped us.

 

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

I learned that I didn't feel loved because dh didn't speak my language and I wasn't speaking his. I highlighted areas that spoke to me, whether it was an "uhuh, that's what make ME tick" or "Uh oh, guilty as charged." I made more of an effort to speak his and told him what I needed to feel loved. I asked dh to read the book, using the copy I had notated. It didn't turn everything around right away, but it was a start.

 

10 Great Dates by David and Claudia Arp

Our church started this program. I signed up on a whim without telling dh, but he was agreeable. As we got closer to the first date, I was filled with anger and trepidation (which was a sign that we REALLY needed it.) But we went anyway. It has been the best thing we have ever done. Although this was part of a program at church, I think you can just get the book and do it on your own. Just schedule the date - read the short chapter and follow the script for the discussion. It is very "husband friendly."

 

Blessings,