plain jane Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 (edited) Thanks ladies. And yes, I do know that ultimately it's none of my business. I wasn't even trying to make it my business. :) It's someone I care about and don't want to see that person get hurt, so I asked so I can clear up my own personal feelings on it. That's all. I don't plan to be any less supportive or happy for them. Thanks again! Edited October 23, 2011 by plain jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Hmmm....were they "on again" when he did the cheating? Cheating once could maybe be forgiven....maybe. But not over and over again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 It's certainly not something I'd be willing to risk. I'm not sure I know any cheaters on which to base an opinion. With this particular couple, I'd only call it cheating if they were "on again" at the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Keep in mind that you have a limited amount of time to delete. It depends. I think when you have two young people who are in a wishy-washy relationship and not really committed to one another that is very different from a couple who are in a seriously committed relationship. If you cheat in the former it doesn't mean you will cheat in the latter, even if it is the same couple. Does that make sense? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trailofsparks Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Does this young woman know about his "extras"? I'm guessing not.... But why not? If he was repentant about his actions, I would think he would have told her. Since he hasn't, I wouldn't expect him to treat her or their relationship any differently than he has. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plain jane Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 She knew about his actions. That's the reason for their "off again" periods. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 If she broke up with him because of his extra relationships, I would have little hope of changed behavior in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parker Martin Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 He might be faithful to someone else, but I wouldn't trust him to be faithful to her. If someone is already cheating before the first bloom of love has faded, I would be inclined to think that that person is just not too into his partner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 He might be faithful to someone else, but I wouldn't trust him to be faithful to her. :iagree: Unless: the fooling around was all before the age of 21 or so, and he has matured in many other ways as well. I've seen very few guys have a great improvement of character after the age of 24. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Keep in mind that you have a limited amount of time to delete. It depends. I think when you have two young people who are in a wishy-washy relationship and not really committed to one another that is very different from a couple who are in a seriously committed relationship. If you cheat in the former it doesn't mean you will cheat in the latter, even if it is the same couple. Does that make sense? :iagree: Absolutly, I know from personal experience that" once a cheater..." is not true if you (me in this case) truely love the person you are with... and feel committed to that person. He may not have thought/felt that she was his forever in the early years. He has obviously (buying house) changed his mind. On another note, she should still be a bit concerned and cautious. If you are great friends you could gently mention that while also assuring her of your happiness for her. If you are only good friends I would zip my lips into a smile.:001_smile:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 He might be faithful to someone else, but I wouldn't trust him to be faithful to her. If someone is already cheating before the first bloom of love has faded, I would be inclined to think that that person is just not too into his partner. But, maybe he wasn't in love yet at that point. I knew couples who dated a while off and on before they truly fell for one another and committed. I could see the difference in them. :iagree: Unless: the fooling around was all before the age of 21 or so, and he has matured in many other ways as well. I've seen very few guys have a great improvement of character after the age of 24. :iagree: :iagree: Absolutly, I know from personal experience that" once a cheater..." is not true if you (me in this case) truely love the person you are with... and feel committed to that person. He may not have thought/felt that she was his forever in the early years. He has obviously (buying house) changed his mind.On another note, she should still be a bit concerned and cautious. If you are great friends you could gently mention that while also assuring her of your happiness for her. If you are only good friends I would zip my lips into a smile.:001_smile:. I agree...except...I would not say that buying a house together means that he believes that he's her forever person. I stand by what I said above, but I also *know* that some people never truly settle down. One of dh's friends from college was getting married the weekend after we married. He called her from our rehearsal dinner and she asked if he had taken a date. That's a bad sign. Their marriage didn't last a year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 (edited) I know you said that neither of them has dated anyone else, yet you say he has cheated. Are we talking about one-night stands here? During the "off" periods, why didn't they date other people? That doesn't make sense to me. Ultimately, my feeling is that this is none of your business. If they've been together since they were in their early teens, it probably won't matter what you say anyway, and you could end up losing your friend if you criticize her one and only boyfriend/fiance. Also, if the guy strayed a few times when he was 18 (or whatever) and has been faithful for a few years now, I don't think we can exactly think of him as some sort of Serial Cheater. He was a kid, and he made a few mistakes, but that doesn't mean he's not a good guy now. Honestly, I would feel better about the relationship if both of them had seen other people for a while over the years, or if they were both a few years older, but that's just me being concerned that one day they will wake up and wonder what they missed by never dating anyone else. I know a lot of people have happy marriages after dating only one person, but I know I probably wouldn't have been one of those people. :tongue_smilie: Edited October 23, 2011 by Catwoman Edited because I accidentally quoted the OP, and then remembered she asked us not to do that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 there is a whole mindset invovled with cheaters. Unless the MINDSET has undergone a major change, yes, I'd believe him capable of cheating again, even if he isn't currently, or hasn't recently. If he thinks cheating is okay, even if he isn't currently, he's a risk. If he sincerely thinks cheating is a bad thing, she's probably safe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 The fact that neither has actually dated anyone else since early high school would make me nervous. If the guy has been cheating regularly, he probably feels like he needs to get out there and see other people, and if that's the case, the cheating will most likely continue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 It depends. I think when you have two young people who are in a wishy-washy relationship and not really committed to one another that is very different from a couple who are in a seriously committed relationship. If you cheat in the former it doesn't mean you will cheat in the latter, even if it is the same couple. Does that make sense? Makes plenty to me. That exactly the scenario I'm aware of. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 The saying just is NOT true. Period. It *could* be true; but it most certainly doesn't have to be. I know a couple for whom it most certainly wasn't. The man had not been, according to himself, faithful to anyone from the time was 14. He was in his mid/late 20s when he was roped into settling down. At the beginning of that relationship, he still wasn't faithful. For whatever reason, the woman stayed with him. She was nuts (IMO). He has been faithful since marriage and is proud of it (though the woman was insecure about it for awhile). Maybe he just needed that piece of paper? Weird. He was faithful even through a time when they were split up many years later due to HER infidelity. It was hard for him to trust her again; but they now are happy and healthy though in their early 40s. They went through A LOT to get there, but it *was* possible! Because of the above, if it were me, I think I would be able to more fully evaluate the situation and possibly continue my marriage. And when I look at situations with very young people, I even moreso can. I do want to address a few of the responses you've gotten already too. First, I think Mrs. Mungo is right that where the relationship is may have changed considerably, ESPECIALLY since both people started off so young. Second, I agree that it is simply none of your business. Generally, we're happy for people because we support them not because it is the choice we'd make. I have a friend who I never know what her stance about what her hubby is doing is going to be. I simply stay positive and supportive either way. It is her life to live. *I* wouldn't do what she does; but.... Third, I absolutely disagree about character not changing after age 25. EVERY SINGLE MALE I've ever known has changed CONSIDERABLY between 25 and 35. The guy not taking care of his kids at 25 is a great dad at 35. The guy who mooches off everyone and his brother at 25 works his backside off at 35. The guy who sleeps with every woman he can in his young 20s settles down comfortably with his wife a few years later. I figure women generally take 21-24 years to grow up and men take 30-35. That just has been my experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Pamela, You should get an award for one of the best summaries on a thread ever! That was really good. :) Oh, and therefore, naturally, :iagree:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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