Family "mentioning" when to put them back in school

[3peasinapod]

My family gossips. :glare: My oldest sister has been talking to my other sisters about our homeschooling. I know it.

 

I always figured we would know when and if we were going to follow this route. I figured it would be either before middle school or in high school. I didn't know, I know we are doing the right thing now, and I am loving it (though some some hard days sway me for a few minutes). The girls are only in 2nd and 3rd now, and they adamantly say they love homeschooling and don't want to go to school. I realize this can change, and I just thought when that time came that they wanted to go or I felt I was done homeschooling, then we would just deal with it.

 

Anyhow, my sister "mentioned" the other day when we were going to put them back in school. She then (quite strongly) said we should put them back in 5th grade because of the nature of these ages of kids. She said she "didn't want anyone to mess around with her nieces," and somehow implied that they would be messed around with (could be, I don't know). She also implied that DD8 (very shy, introverted, but blooms at home) wouldn't know how to deal with the bullies and get ploughed.

 

What do I do with this? It has placed that doubt in my head. Both children do a homeschool group once a month and have already dealt with a few bullies (just not daily) and at Awana there are definitely some bully girls who want absolute following and exclude DD8. The bully doesn't exclude all homeschoolers, just DD8. DD8 told me that the girl tells everyone to come around her and then proceeds to say nasty things about some of the people if they don't come to her "group." When I walked in, I could see many of the little girls around this girl and DD8 was drawing a picture (happily I might add). Is it wrong for her not to fit in with those girls? Is it because we homeschool? She told me she thought it was silly and mean of the girl to ask everyone to come over and then say nasty things. (I say yay DD!)

 

I may just need talking down and some wisdom to just keep going until it doesn't work. Any thoughts?

Edited October 21, 2011 by 3peasinapod

[Hedgehog]

Firstly, it sounds like your DD is smart enough to stay away from mean kids.

 

Secondly, as regards your sisters, it's bean-dip time. Serve with plenty of smiles. (Frankly it's none of their bees nest how your dc are educated.)

 

Enjoy your kids!!! :D

[speedmom4]

My husband's family really questioned our decision to homeschool when my oldest daughter was between 10-13. She was a very outgoing child. She loved being creative, loud, and goofy. She just didn't "act" like a lot of other kids her age. She wasn't into cliques or any type of girl drama. My in-laws thought my daughter was a little different and should go to school to fix her social awkwardness.

 

Fast forward several years. My daughter is now 16 and flourishing in every aspect. She has loads of friends, still very creative, academically advanced, active, and delightful. My in-laws have seemed to "forget" all of their questioning and forceful advice about sending her to school. At one point they offered to pay for all of my children to go to the private school of their choice. They couldn't be more proud of her now.

 

This summer my brother-in-law was commenting about how much he enjoys my daughter and how she has turned out so well. He is so impressed that she has remained true to herself. I gently reminded him that a lot of that has to do with the fact that we homeschooled all along, particularly through the ages when social pressure change some children. It's amazing how they suddenly have amnesia about all their "concerns" about homeschooling.

 

Hold strong and keep listening to your own heart. Don't let someone else's insecurities change what you think is right for your own family!

 

God Bless,

Elise in NC

[Alte Veste Academy]

My family gossips. :glare: My oldest sister has been talking to my other sisters about our homeschooling. I know it.

 

I always figured we would know when and if we were going to follow this route. I figured it would be either before middle school or in high school. I didn't know, I know we are doing the right thing now, and I am loving it (though some some hard days sway me for a few minutes). The girls are only in 2nd and 3rd now, and they adamantly say they love homeschooling and don't want to go to school. I realize this can change, and I just thought when that time came that they wanted to go or I felt I was done homeschooling, then we would just deal with it.

 

Anyhow, my sister "mentioned" the other day when we were going to put them back in school. She then (quite strongly) said we should put them back in 5th grade because of the nature of these ages of kids. She said she "didn't want anyone to mess around with her nieces," and somehow implied that they would be messed around with (could be, I don't know). She also implied that DD8 (very shy, introverted, but blooms at home) wouldn't know how to deal with the bullies and get ploughed.

 

What do I do with this? It has placed that doubt in my head. Both children do a homeschool group once a month and have already dealt with a few bullies (just not daily) and at Awana there are definitely some bully girls who want absolute following and exclude DD8. The bully doesn't exclude all homeschoolers, just DD8. DD8 told me that the girl tells everyone to come around her and then proceeds to say nasty things about some of the people if they don't come to her "group." When I walked in, I could see many of the little girls around this girl and DD8 was drawing a picture (happily I might add). Is it wrong for her not to fit in with those girls? Is it because we homeschool? She told me she thought it was silly and mean of the girl to ask everyone to come over and then say nasty things. (I say yay DD!)

 

I may just need talking down and some wisdom to just keep going until it doesn't work. Any thoughts?

 

The bully argument is possibly the worst argument there is against homeschooling. It's utterly ridiculous! :glare: Putting shy kids in school to toughen them up is about the most backward thing I have ever heard. There is a giant risk of that backfiring.

 

There was a poll here a while back about if you could only homeschool for certain years (elementary, middle or high school), which would you choose. If I remember correctly, middle school won by a landslide. It can be a difficult time to be in school, shy or not.

 

Bean dip. Definitely bean dip. Your sister doesn't make the rules for your girls. You do.

[Laurie4b]

Sounds like your dd is already handling bullies with confidence in who she is and what her values are. Good for her! No worries. My kids were homeschooled through 11th grade (ds#1) and 10th grade (ds #2) . No bully problems. :/ In fact, I'm not sure they've ever encountered bullies. With boys, though, it's different. Bullies pick on little guys. My guys aren't. Ds#1 is average size, but a muscular black belt. Ds #2 is the Jolly Green Giant. I'm still homeschooling ds # 3 &4 (9th and 8th) Mean girl bullies are different, but your dd has just the right approach.

 

As to 5th grade being an "ideal" age to return to school--not so much. We moved when I was in 6th grade, just a year later and still part of the elementary school. I had been popular at my first elementary school--had always gone there. When I went to a new one, I was an outcast. I was mostly friends with the other new girl in my class. I think that is the nature of the middle-school type age. We have given our kids the choice to go to public high school or homeschool, but i was always adamant that we would homeschool in middle school. I have seen too much damage done by immature kids in middle school. It's the age. Pretty much anyone can be a bully at some point or another at that age, and the suffering isn't the kind that builds character, but the kind that tears down a person's self-confidence for years.

[AHASRADA]

I strongly agree with the PP. As I recently posted on another thread, middle school is absolutely the worst time to be in school, imho. From ages 11-13 or so, kids are extremely vulnerable to peer pressure as they try to find their place in the world, discover their interests and passions, etc. Their entire focus turns to fitting in, being accepted by the cool crowd, and not being picked on.

 

I don't believe that a "socially awkward" child will somehow be cured by sending them to ps. What, are there no "social awkward" children in school?? We are all born extroverts, introverts, etc. The only socialization they learn in school is how to fall into the pecking order in a controlled institution, taking on the role of leader, follower, teacher's pet, bully, class clown, and victim.

 

I agree that kids need experience interacting with others, including children their own age, in order to learn how to navigate social situations. I absolutely do not believe this is best done by locking them in a building with hundreds of age mates to "fend for themselves" and "sink or swim". A brief negative encounter (such as your dd being left out) followed by plenty of time with people who love her and with whom she can discuss the issue, is much more healthy.

 

School is an artificial environment, but kids within it begin to see school as their "world", with everything outside those doors as secondary. If that world becomes hell (in their eyes), it can do a great deal of damage, and the parents may never even know the full extent of what their dc experience on a daily basis.

 

Weren't most (if not all) of the world's great thinkers, inventors, artists, etc. considered dorks, or nerds, or weirdos growing up? They didn't fit inside the box, they didn't fall into line, they didn't buckle under pressure to conform to the norm. Where would we be as a modern society if they had?

 

Allow her to flourish and discover her true self without the confines and pressure of growing up in an institutionalized setting. When you feel she has well-established her interests, preferences, values and confidence, then you could consider whether she would benefit from attending school.

 

Just my $0.02.

[mrs.m]

Personally, I don't take advice from people that like to spend their time gossiping and offering unwanted "wisdom" that results from the gossip. They don't know what they are talking about and the talk is just a bunch of ignorant babble.

 

Tell sis you have it under control. Change the subject if it comes up again.

 

:grouphug: And come here for support. Your DD will be fine! :) (I don't think a child learns to deal with bullies by being bullied. I think this is a lie society throws out there to just make it a little bit better.)

[3peasinapod]

The replies have encouraged me! Anyone else?

[J-rap]

Listen to your sister only with a grain of salt, or not at all.

 

Bullies during the middle school years would just be one more reason TO homeschool, as far as I'm concerned.

 

My kids for the most part preferred being home doing their own thing rather than socializing with other kids, even nice homeschooled kids! :) I used to wonder about it a little (were we teaching them to be anti-social)? But we supported them and encouraged them and "challenged" them socially at home, among family.

 

They grew up with a lot of confidence and an ability to be happy independently of others. Around mid-high school age they began to find other kids they enjoyed and do things with. They have all developed into very pleasant, confident, socially-adept young adults. They are all leaders within groups, and very "out there" now -- performing, etc.

 

Just to give you confidence in your decision. :)

 

And P.S... if the bullying continues or increases at Awana, I might even consider pulling your daughter out...

[5of5]

She also implied that DD8 (very shy, introverted, but blooms at home) wouldn't know how to deal with the bullies and get ploughed.

 

 

This makes me think of throwing a kid into the deep end of a swimming pool and walking away, hoping that they'll learn to swim that way.

 

I don't think PS teaches shy kids how to deal with bullies.

[myfunnybunch]

First, :grouphug:

 

Second, they're your kids. You don't have to take anyone else's advice. (Or deal with their gossip.) Come up with a simple answer and give it every time you're asked. "We've decided to decide year-by-year," works very well. Then change the subject.

 

And third, and this is just my opinion, 5th-8th are the worst grades to return a child to school for social reasons. Our public school system takes kids at the age they're changing very much socially and emotionally and physically, and jams them all into one building. I pulled both of my dds OUT of middle school.

 

Cat

[Trish]

I would think if there's any REALLY GREAT time to homeschool your kids, it would be middle school. Do I understand this correctly, your sister wants you to put them back IN for those grades so they can experience the Joys of Bullying? Even though they have a certain amount of experience with that at Awana?

 

Middle school is when all the distractions/conflicts get ratcheted up to disturbing levels. So unless you have a reason (yourself) for really WANTING them in school then, I wouldn't.

 

You can always invite bullies to your home to be mean to your kids. It can be a We Want to Practice Putting Up with Mean People Playdate.

 

Egads!

[gardenmom5]

My family gossips. :glare: My oldest sister has been talking to my other sisters about our homeschooling. I know it.

Anyhow, my sister "mentioned" the other day when we were going to put them back in school.

What do I do with this? It has placed that doubt in my head.

?

 

It must really irk your sister that you are doing something different from her and that you choose to homeschool. She is not responsible for your children and how they are educated - You are. She does not have to pay for how they are educated - You do. You have far more invested in your children than your sister.

 

She was very out of line to go around gossiping (an ugly behavior) to your family about what *she* thinks you should do. Ignore her. If anyone asks you, simply inform them that your sister is misinformed about your daughter's educational choices, and if people want to know what you are doing with their education, they would get a much more accurate answer actually asking their parent - you.

[happyhomemaker]

I look on middle school as the worst years of my schooling experience and have no intention of making my dc go through that. I want my kids to think for themselves, not learn to fit in to survive. And what kind of crazy person makes the argument that kids NEED to be bullied?! What other terrible things do our kids need to experience to make sure they are "well-adjusted"? Should we make sure someone is pressuring them into drugs, alcohol, and sex as well?

 

It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with your dd and I wouldn't exchange something that is working well in order to comply with someone else's sense of normalcy.

[meggie]

As someone who has been on both ends of the mean girl bully spectrum, I can tell you there is only one good way to deal with them: Stay away from them. Girl bullying can be so hard for a teacher/adult to catch, but it does some serious damage.

 

There is a lot of gossip in my extended family too. I honestly have no idea what they all think of me homeschooling. I know my sister made the not too wise decision to say something extremely rude to my face. She got put in her place rather quickly. I have found that the phrase, "Good thing it's not your problem to worry about" has helped set many a boundary for people who don't know where they lie.

 

Good luck and stand your ground :grouphug:

[Ellie]

It is your sister's business (and your family's) because they love you, and we should all try to help our family members, yes?

 

However, that doesn't mean you need to let them nag you--even gently--about putting the dc back in school. Just look your sister/brother/mother/cousin in the eyeball and say, "We have no intention of putting them in school at this time. Thanks for asking." And move on.

[3peasinapod]

I want to reply to each comment, as they have helped me greatly. In fact, I need to mark this post so I can come back to it and do some studying! :001_smile: I think because she is my big sister and does care for us, it gave me pause. Maybe I should have a Let's Find Mean Kids So We Can Be Socialized party and get all this nonsense behind us! :lol: JK, of course.

 

The coincidental thing is, during these discussions, they always bring up DD8 (shy) instead of I-don't-care-what-they-think DD7 or crazy, flamboyant DD4. DD8 is probably the one that most needs to find her own bearings, her own self so that she DOESN'T follow the crowd.

 

Great discussion and so helpful for me. You guys are great.

[Alte Veste Academy]

The coincidental thing is, during these discussions, they always bring up DD8 (shy) instead of I-don't-care-what-they-think DD7 or crazy, flamboyant DD4. DD8 is probably the one that most needs to find her own bearings, her own self so that she DOESN'T follow the crowd.

 

Yes, this is a sad irony. I also have two firecrackers and one quiet child, so I get it. My DS8 sounds a lot like your DD8. Clearly, your family thinks shyness is a problem that needs to be fixed. That is not the case at all. School would have been a disaster for my DS. He is very shy but has slowly but surely been improving in self-confidence and assertiveness over the years. However, it is still a struggle for him. School would undo a lot of his progress. Of that, I am certain. The important thing is that you recognize her needs relative to her personality. She's lucky for that. Stick to your guns! :grouphug:

[3peasinapod]

Yes, this is a sad irony. I also have two firecrackers and one quiet child, so I get it. My DS8 sounds a lot like your DD8. Clearly, your family thinks shyness is a problem that needs to be fixed. That is not the case at all. School would have been a disaster for my DS. He is very shy but has slowly but surely been improving in self-confidence and assertiveness over the years. However, it is still a struggle for him. School would undo a lot of his progress. Of that, I am certain. The important thing is that you recognize her needs relative to her personality. She's lucky for that. Stick to your guns! :grouphug:

 

Now that you mention it, 2 of my sisters (I have 3) feel that shyness is a weakness. I am shy, but over the years I have learned to assert myself. My eldest sister even said to me that I was boring, as in flat because I don't show loads of emotion over everything, and that *she* had the personality. I guess I don't have a personality? :glare: Oh well, love 'em and let be.

[Parker Martin]

I don't understand the "learn to deal with bullies" argument. How is that applicable to adulthood?

 

Would an adult woman be friends with adult women who acted as though they were in junior high school? I hope not! Would an adult man be friends with adult men who beat up other men? Again, I hope not!

 

I had to deal with bullies in elementary school, but I didn't learn how to do it by being there. I learned it from things my parents told me or that I learned from various media. Plenty of other kids had to deal with bullies every day and never learned how to deal with them effectively.