laughing lioness Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 :rant: A family member made a very rude, very personal, very insulting comment to me yesterday and then asked me to agree with them. I disagreed in a way that wasn't personal but am now kicking myself for not just getting in their face and asking what the h*ll are they thinking saying something like that to me?? Clearly we have a large family, clearly we homeschool, clearly we have made financial choices to do both. Why do others think it's their right to be nasty?! This person is consistantly saying insulting things about our youngest 2, our having a big family, our "irresponsibility", that our kids are growing up "poor" (really?!!!- have you seen poor??)! etc. in.front.of.our.kids. To add insult to injury this person has influenced our oldest in ways we are just becoming aware of that has caused no great amount of stress/hurt in our lives. ARGHG!! If I could just cut this person out of my life I would. I can't. It's been 26 years of this. And the stuff with my kids just about sends me over the edge. I am just so mad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 :grouphug: It's incredibly hard at first, but pray for them. And keep contact to a bare minimum, especially with your kids. It's also perfectly acceptable to stop them mid-speech if they begin on anything related to your family, and let them know that the topic is not up for discussion. It's also okay to leave if they won't honor that. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 :iagree: and have to say you are a much nicer person by the way you handled it. Hang in there!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 :grouphug: I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 :grouphug: I am sorry. During a vacation this summer with my parents my father decided to tell me how my dh and I are making a big mistake in homeschooling our son with autism and that we are doing him a disservice. I was totally blindsided - can you tell it still hurts? But I was able to keep my cool (I am a redhead with a redhead's temper). I told my dad that I was sorry he felt that way, but this topic was not up for discussion. Could you try to say that to this individual in a firm, but not hostile way? And insert that you don't appreciate this topic being brought up in front of your children (even if your children are standing and gawking while you say it)? And I agree with minimizing contact to just what is necessary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down_the_Rabbit_Hole Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 :rant: A family member made a very rude, very personal, very insulting comment to me yesterday and then asked me to agree with them. I disagreed in a way that wasn't personal but am now kicking myself for not just getting in their face and asking what the h*ll are they thinking saying something like that to me?? Clearly we have a large family, clearly we homeschool, clearly we have made financial choices to do both. Why do others think it's their right to be nasty?! This person is consistantly saying insulting things about our youngest 2, our having a big family, our "irresponsibility", that our kids are growing up "poor" (really?!!!- have you seen poor??)! etc. in.front.of.our.kids. To add insult to injury this person has influenced our oldest in ways we are just becoming aware of that has caused no great amount of stress/hurt in our lives. ARGHG!! If I could just cut this person out of my life I would. I can't. It's been 26 years of this. And the stuff with my kids just about sends me over the edge. I am just so mad. :grouphug: We had a family member do this with my middle son. I know most of what we had to deal with in regards to our son can be laid at the feet of this man. The only way we were rid of the problem is they moved ...which was an answer to prayer. Sadly the wedge he created is too deep and our son is lost to us for now. My advice is have as little contact as possible with him and never let any of your family alone with him. Steer conversations from hot topics and walk away if need be. You don't have to take that crap from anyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 UGH! I recommend you be forthright in objecting to the person the minute he/she starts in on these kinds of comments. "These are personal decisions which are not open for discussion. We don't tell you how to live. Don't you dare tell us how to live. If you continue to do this in front of our children, you will be cut out of our lives. We are done with your rude, condescending behavior." This is what I had to do with dh's sister. She doesn't speak to me anymore. That, in and of itself, is a bit of heaven! Personally, I don't know what has happened in our society. It seems that huge scores of people think they should voice their opinion where their opinion is not wanted. I'd really, really like to go back to a Victorianish culture in which the only things appropriate to discuss with anyone but your closest friends or husband was weather, music, art, theater, books, and gardens or some such other subject...personal comments being forbidden. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amyable Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Personally, I don't know what has happened in our society. It seems that huge scores of people think they should voice their opinion where their opinion is not wanted. I'd really, really like to go back to a Victorianish culture in which the only things appropriate to discuss with anyone but your closest friends or husband was weather, music, art, theater, books, and gardens or some such other subject...personal comments being forbidden. Faith :hurray: I whole heartedly agree, how do we convince the rest of the world.:bigear: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Wow, that's ugly. Reeeallly ugly. What does Dh say? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momma aimee Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 :iagree: and have to say you are a much nicer person by the way you handled it. Hang in there!:grouphug: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhudson Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I think you have 2 options: 1. Talk with this person honestly (kindly, if possible :001_smile:) and explain how hurtful these comments are. Ask if they would like to remain in relationship with you and your family and if they do, set some boundaries. 2. If #1 is not possible, them by no means leave your children alone with them. If they make remarks in front of your children, then correct them. Gently, if possible, but correct the statements so that your children hear your dissention. We have had to have these conversations with people in our lives. Sometimes we can use option #1 and restore the relationship. Other times we grin and bear with # 2 and keep contact to a minimum. Either way, it's no fun and I am so sorry you are in this position. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: What does Dh say? Dh says the person is unaware (that is true). BUT, this person is know to really be snarky to the women, while they don't say anything remotely like it to the men. In fact, dh had a hard time really believing (he didn't think I was lying, he just thought I was being too sensitive) until his bro's wife started saying that this person was treating her the same way. (they got married a decade after we did). Thanks for the support! We had extra kids all week-end and drywalled yesterday- so between cooking, drywalling and this interaction my perspective is just blown. I did take a 2 hour nap today and feel much better. I do need to just STOP worrying about what they think/feel and lay down the law. The problem is that is just turns ugly with this person. They are quite oppositional. Anyway, Thanks. i know I'm not alone with the family issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lejardin Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 :grouphug: I'm sorry. :grouphug: <snip> Personally, I don't know what has happened in our society. It seems that huge scores of people think they should voice their opinion where their opinion is not wanted. I'd really, really like to go back to a Victorianish culture in which the only things appropriate to discuss with anyone but your closest friends or husband was weather, music, art, theater, books, and gardens or some such other subject...personal comments being forbidden. Faith :iagree: I think you have 2 options: 1. Talk with this person honestly (kindly, if possible :001_smile:) and explain how hurtful these comments are. Ask if they would like to remain in relationship with you and your family and if they do, set some boundaries. 2. If #1 is not possible, them by no means leave your children alone with them. If they make remarks in front of your children, then correct them. Gently, if possible, but correct the statements so that your children hear your dissention. We have had to have these conversations with people in our lives. Sometimes we can use option #1 and restore the relationship. Other times we grin and bear with # 2 and keep contact to a minimum. Either way, it's no fun and I am so sorry you are in this position. Good advice. I've had my share of these situations and they've been very difficult to deal with - I'm am so not confrontational especially when blindsided. For me it's usually been distance and lots of prayer. Also, when it's DH's family I let him "pinch hit for me" (we're watching the ball game now! lol) :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 To add insult to injury this person has influenced our oldest in ways we are just becoming aware of that has caused no great amount of stress/hurt in our lives. ARGHG!! :grouphug::grouphug: This appears to have happened to us via the mother of my oldest's first love in college. I'm incredibly frustrated and somewhat angry, but there's nothing I can do about it. I can only imagine the hurt when it comes via family. Parenting choices and the way families choose to live are different, but different doesn't equal wrong (short of true abuse, which is not what is happening). :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tvaleri Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Sadly, I completely understand where you are. Because of extended family (whom I no longer consider family) who liked to control everyone, our oldest (23) is living in the belly of the whale. Devastating to us and our younger children. It's been four years and counting...... We tried limiting contact, but given an inch, this person take a mile.....thinks she is correct and blames us for not agreeing with her! I agree with the other posters you need to give a defense with gentleness and respect; but certainly you don't have to take verbal abuse. You have a God-given responsibility to protect your children. If someone in the extended family is verbally abusive, using drugs, drinking to excess, etc. you need to draw healthy boundaries. "I'm sorry but we won't be coming over for the holiday/birthday, but will visit another day." Heard a great sermon from Chip Ingram on this topic a couple of years ago. Confirmed what I'd been praying about at the time. Praying for you, Teresa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 (edited) To all of you who know what I mean personally, :grouphug: and more :grouphug: Thanks for the wise words and encouragment to think and act about this differently. I am going to come up with a list of things to say that holds true bounderies instead of just standing there stuttering with my mouth hanging open. More family drama unfolded last night and I ended up really upset again (in addition to some of the things one dd is telling us). And the tangled web of our dd pleasing this person -argh. It's not "abuse" it's "just" slams and insults about us, our personhood, vaules, faith, life-style, # of kids, my not working, yearly income, etc.etc.etc. ad neusum. It is thier continually disrespect for us. Is that abuse? They "just" disagree. And if you try to pin them down they say, "I didn't mean that." "you are too sensitive." (really? my sil has very, very little to do with this person). But I had a moment of clarity about our kids and this person. We have offered our kids freedom. This person breathes conformity and rigidity. Our very life style must just cook thier grits. And thinking of it that way takes some of the sting out. Thanks for being my focus group (again). I'm about over my angst. Edited October 11, 2011 by laughing lioness Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 No offense, but your family is average in many areas. I've looked at your blog before... I think you're doing a great job. Money does not a family make ;).... You have to shove off the person, right?? I don't think it's "pass the bean dip" it's... "throw the bean dip"... sorry :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhudson Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 I loved your blog post on freedom. I find that the letting go and allowing my kids to have the freedom to make their own way as they become adults is a daunting thought. I have been thinking recently about relationship. I want my kids to leave our home with a sense of relationship. Relationship with God, with us, with each other and that whatever they choose to do in their adult life, we will do our best to keep that relationship whole. You gave me a new thought that I will need to give them the freedom to make their own decisions and the freedom to listen to whom they choose. Hopefully, we will have instilled them with ability to be able to discern what voices to listen to and why or why not. Including the ability to discern those voices that continually belittle what our kids know of God and of us. This stage is much harder than the little stage. Oh, how I miss the, "no, you may not touch that or don't put that in your mouth" stage. It was easier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 You know you'd regret it if you said something nasty so maybe just looking at her Ans saying,"Wow. That was incredibly hurtful." Then walk away. It would be very effective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 I loved your blog post on freedom. Thank-you! It was inspired by this whole incident! This stage is much harder than the little stage. Oh, how I miss the, "no, you may not touch that or don't put that in your mouth" stage. It was easier. oh, I so agree! It's been the most challenging part of parenting for me! And BldsMomma- you are right. I would. I just want the adult, calm, caring words that will somehow tell this person to back.off.once and for all:D (I'm multi-quote challenged!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen in NS Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) To all of you who know what I mean personally, :grouphug: and more :grouphug: Thanks for the wise words and encouragment to think and act about this differently. I am going to come up with a list of things to say that holds true bounderies instead of just standing there stuttering with my mouth hanging open. More family drama unfolded last night and I ended up really upset again (in addition to some of the things one dd is telling us). And the tangled web of our dd pleasing this person -argh. It's not "abuse" it's "just" slams and insults about us, our personhood, vaules, faith, life-style, # of kids, my not working, yearly income, etc.etc.etc. ad neusum. It is thier continually disrespect for us. Is that abuse? They "just" disagree. And if you try to pin them down they say, "I didn't mean that." "you are too sensitive." (really? my sil has very, very little to do with this person). But I had a moment of clarity about our kids and this person. We have offered our kids freedom. This person breathes conformity and rigidity. Our very life style must just cook thier grits. And thinking of it that way takes some of the sting out. Thanks for being my focus group (again). I'm about over my angst. I just want to say that I totally understand. The ongoing out-in-the-open disrespect is extremely frustrating, and very disheartening when its at its worst. :grouphug: Edited October 12, 2011 by Colleen in NS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LuvingLife Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Lisa, my family and I know what you have been going through! Our family does this to my family and I all the time and we have finally told them to never, ever contact us again. I know your pain!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fischerl Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 It seems that huge scores of people think they should voice their opinion where their opinion is not wanted. I'd really, really like to go back to a Victorianish culture in which the only things appropriate to discuss with anyone but your closest friends or husband was weather, music, art, theater, books, and gardens or some such other subject...personal comments being forbidden. :iagree: It's really all about basic manners. I think as a culture we've stopped teaching these—perhaps a "Miss Manners"-type book should be required reading for high school graduation. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) I came up against something like this a few months ago when someone was staying with us--not purposely undermining, but ignorantly undermining. Now, I love this person very much, so there is that, but it occurred to me that I apparently wanted this person's approval more than I was willing to see in that I took what she dished out for quite sometime before I set some firm boundaries--and more may have to be set, but that's for another day. I don't need their approval, and once I realized that it was very freeing. I was able to say with conviction and love--here, and no further. ETA, 'needing approval' I didn't SEEK it, it was just something that would have been nice, and I think my reactions and emotions were coming from a place of sadness/mourning that they couldn't support us in this--especially people who you have high expectations of because of who they are in your family. Edited October 12, 2011 by justamouse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 ETA, 'needing approval' I didn't SEEK it, it was just something that would have been nice, and I think my reactions and emotions were coming from a place of sadness/mourning that they couldn't support us in this--especially people who you have high expectations of because of who they are in your family. Yep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Yep. :grouphug: I'm sorry. It sucks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 :grouphug: I'm sorry. It sucks. It does. But thanks for putting into words what I knew but wasn't really admitting in words clear enough to accept. It's been a season of grieving and I just need to get over what won't be coming. It's o.k. Time to be an adult, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhschool Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Hi You don't have to be rude--but make sure you don't hang out with this person any more!!! If your kids are growing up poor, but happy--hey, you're better off than if you were rich! If they are poor, but intelligent, and well-educated, and loving, and good--hey, you're better off than if you were a millionaire! We also have chosen to be a one-income family. We don't have headboards for our beds. We don't take vacations. We don't go to Europe like some people we know. We can't afford new clothes for us, just for our son. But we do spend what little we have on good healthy food, books, and homeschool classes. Hey! We're better off than if I worked 40+ hours a week and only saw my son in the evenings. So, who cares what they say? In any case, it's your kids, not theirs. Laugh it off and tell your kids what a silly person that is, putting money ahead of family and happiness!!! J Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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