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[SailorMom]

I have cut off all contact with my sociopathic sister, and either through their choice or mine - with the rest of my family as well. She was doing everything she could to destroy my relationships with extended fmaily, and had put her own kids in compromising situations.

I think it has a lot to do with what the issues are, and the problems they cause.....

I also have a close relative with bi-polar disorder and she and I are very close. I would never in a million years stay away, or keep my children away, from her. She struggles, but is a good person.

[dragons in the flower bed]

Specifically schizophrenia or other diagnoses that tend to be obsessive, paranoid and/or delusional.

 

 

We have a paranoid obsessive! I monitor phone calls and pre-read letters. In-person visits are rare and supervised. The children have always known that something is wrong, that what that person says and does isn't a response to what's going on in the environment but what's going on in his head. They haven't been harmed, so far as I can tell.

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[OnTheBrink]

I have cut off all contact with my borderline/narcissistic mother. There is no way I'll subject my dc to her emotional and verbal abuse. It makes no difference that she's a relative; I won't allow anyone to abuse my kids in any way.

[Impish]

Everyone has their own limits.

 

For us, we are constantly on guard when it comes to MIL and my mom interacting with our kids, b/c we believe both women have NPD.

 

However, we've completely cut out family members with addiction issues who refuse to seek treatment.

 

Distance plays a role too. Neither of our mothers live in province. The family members w/addiction issues were in the same city.

[SailorMom]

:grouphug: I'm sorry about your sisters. :grouphug:

 

Thank you - it has been a long road, but I am in a very good place with the whole thing now :) Getting 100% away was the only way to solve the problem :)

[WishboneDawn]

One of the people is undiagnosed but self medicates witth drugs/alcohol. The other has been diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and will not take medication. If that makes any difference to your opinion. Thanks.:001_smile:

 

If those are the mentally ill people you're dealing then then can I suggest that what you're shielding your kids from is NOT the mental illness but rather people who are engaged in self-destructive behaviour? I think both the self-medication and the refusal to take meds both count as that and THAT'S what make them a concern, not their mental illnesses.

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[HSMom2One]

My son suffers from Bipolar Disorder, and his father (my former husband) had the same disease, so I have had to deal with this for many years.

 

First of all, there is no blanket answer for all situations because people are all different. Some mentally ill people are high functioning and are on meds. Some are able to maintain a majority of the time, but have seasons, bouts or episodes where they aren't doing so well. Yet others choose to self treat, go off meds permanently, etc. and are unbalanced all the time. So it all depends on how the person is, or is not, managing their illness.

 

If my first husband was in a bad place mentally, I shielded our kids from him. The same goes for my son who is now and adult. If he is going through an episode, we keep some space between him and other members of the family, especially the youngest ones. When things improve and get back at baseline, then it's safe to resume contact.

 

If I had a person in my life that refused to be on meds or made bad choices that contributed to acting out in their illness, I would stay away from them and I would let them know why. It's really important to keep boundaries for your own mental health and the well being of other family members and friends.

 

I have a great deal of compassion for people that struggle with mental illness. Life can be utterly lonely and cruel for them. There is such a prevailing stigma against mental illness that often exhibits itself in our culture by ignorant jokes and humor, misused language and vocabulary, and even segregation that causes cruel isolation to those that need family and friends tremendously. The best thing we can do is become better informed and educated about it. It's wise to know how to set healthy boundaries, while not completely writing people off unnecessarily.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

My Mom is mentally ill.

 

I would never cut her out of my life because I love her and she gave me life. She isn't sick on purpose. I just try to stay very close to her and make sure she is on her medication and I closely supervise her exposure to my family. I've always used it as a learning opportunity to explain to my son that not all grownups are wise/good/trustworthy/healthy just because they have lived longer. When Mom is skipping her meds, she acts ridiculous and says very inappropriate things. It isn't her speaking, it's her illness.

 

She has never been physically violent. Honestly, I'm not sure how I would handle that. That is an entirely different dynamic and I would have to consider that grounds for complete separation.

 

My son and I have had lots of nice, long discussions regarding mental health, family support, and self preservation.

 

It's so hard to watch someone you love suffer from mental illness. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

My son suffers from Bipolar Disorder, and his father (my former husband) had the same disease, so I have had to deal with this for many years.

 

First of all, there is no blanket answer for all situations because people are all different. Some mentally ill people are high functioning and are on meds. Some are able to maintain a majority of the time, but have seasons, bouts or episodes where they aren't doing so well. Yet others choose to self treat, go off meds permanently, etc. and are unbalanced all the time. So it all depends on how the person is, or is not, managing their illness.

 

If my first husband was in a bad place mentally, I shielded our kids from him. The same goes for my son who is now and adult. If he is going through an episode, we keep some space between him and other members of the family, especially the youngest ones. When things improve and get back at baseline, then it's safe to resume contact.

 

If I had a person in my life that refused to be on meds or made bad choices that contributed to acting out in their illness, I would stay away from them and I would let them know why. It's really important to keep boundaries for your own mental health and the well being of other family members and friends.

 

I have a great deal of compassion for people that struggle with mental illness. Life can be utterly lonely and cruel for them. There is such a prevailing stigma against mental illness that often exhibits itself in our culture by ignorant jokes and humor, misused language and vocabulary, and even segregation that causes cruel isolation to those that need family and friends tremendously. The best thing we can do is become better informed and educated about it. It's wise to know how to set healthy boundaries, while not completely writing people off unnecessarily.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

 

:grouphug: :iagree:

 

I think we were posting at the same time. You said a lot of what I was trying to put together. You said it much more eloquently than I did. I agree completely. Mentally ill people are people. They need love, support, and families just like the rest of us.

 

It's such a hard, lonely road.

[Krista in LA]

It really depends so much on the illness, whether they are being treated, and how old your kids are. I have a mentally ill sister who we hopefully will never see again because she has deliberately done things that have put me and my family in danger. I have a brother who is schizophrenic but medicated. He calls each of us for our birthdays and we try to visit him when we are in his area which is very seldom since it's several states away. The kids know he is ill, we talk about it, and we accept him for who he is. I believe my mother has an undiagnosed mental illness, perhaps BPD, besides her hoarding illness. She's harmless though and we will see her if she comes to our house, but we obviously can't go to her house.

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[WishboneDawn]

I hadn't thought about it like that, putting it that way, of course I am shielding them from that kind of behavior just the same as I wouldn't let them ride with a careless driver or be exposed to second hand smoke all the time. Thanks for that:001_smile:

 

No problem. I have one good friend who's been through bouts of deep depression with psychotic episodes. It has never occurred to me to shield my kids from her because at every turn she's sought out help and done what she could to deal with her illness. She's got a lot of strength and I think my kids only benefit from knowing her.

 

So I don't think the illness is the determining factor at all. As with folks that don't have mental health problems, it's how they choose to deal with the issues in their life that determines whether my kids will be around them or not.

 

ETA: I'm only addressing the factor of kids here, not what support and consideration you should be giving those folks. I think the other posters are addressing that really well.

Edited August 28, 2011 by WishboneDawn

[texasmama]

If those are the mentally ill people you're dealing then then can I suggest that what you're shielding your kids from is NOT the mental illness but rather people who are engaged in self-destructive behaviour? I think both the self-medication and the refusal to take meds both count as that and THAT'S what make them a concern, not their mental illnesses.

 

:iagree: Also, most people don't have to deal with chronically mentally ill individuals such as schizophrenics in adulthood so it is okay if the kids are not exposed to chronic mental illness when they are young. I don't see any benefit in exposing kids to people who are drug/alcohol abusers, even if they are family members. I would continue whatever relationship I could have with these folks but leave the young kids out of it.

 

I'm sorry that you are faced with these dilemmas.:grouphug: I am a mental health professional.

[sassenach]

My BIL has paranoid schizophrenia. He has been largely unmedicated for the past 5 years, which has caused a ton of issues (he's been arrested twice, forced into a facility once, ect). We have pretty limited contact with him. There was a time period when my dd had just gotten her cell phone and he would call her occasionally. I would sit right next to her and monitor the call. I have to say that he has never said or done anything inappropriate around my kids. If he did, I would immediately and completely cut them off from him. I did block him from dd on facebook, because he was posting some pretty crazy stuff and I didn't want her to have to navigate it.

 

My MIL, I believe at minimum, has paranoid personality disorder. She is fine to be around the kids and will occasionally call dd, but dd is becoming more aware of her issues as she gets older. Example: DD sent out thank you cards to her mission trip supporters. She mixed up MIL's address with MIL's sister's address. MIL called all upset asking, "Doesn't she know who I am? I'm not XXXX. Why would she call me XXXX?" She was in a complete tizzy and just couldn't wrap her mind around it being an accident (there are no accidents in MIL's world. Only intentional wrongdoing.). DD had to explain 3 times that MIL and her sister are listed right next to each other in our phonebook and it was just a simple mix-up. Sigh. We live 7 hours away from her, so interaction is pretty limited.

 

Both of these family members are pretty well behaved when they are physically around our kids, but they are also completely exhausting for dh and I.

 

I also have a cousin who has Bipolar Disorder (also unmedicated). He completely went off around my kids and we had to cut him off completely. Unfortunately, he lives with my grandparents, so that in turn limited our time with them. I'm still bitter about that.

[Laurie4b]

If those are the mentally ill people you're dealing then then can I suggest that what you're shielding your kids from is NOT the mental illness but rather people who are engaged in self-destructive behaviour? I think both the self-medication and the refusal to take meds both count as that and THAT'S what make them a concern, not their mental illnesses.

 

I don't agree. The schizoprenics I used to work with when taking meds and of sound mind (more or less) recognized that their behavior when off meds was destructive and did not want to be that way. However, as they began to deteriorate, they would not be able to think rationally anymore and would go off meds. And the laws being what they are--requiring being dangerous to self or others (defined so narrowly that it has to be really a threat)--before anyone else could intervene against their now schizophrenia-deluded will prevented anyone from intervening before it was too late. The would go off meds and if they never got to the 'dangerous to self or others" phase, they could well have stayed off meds or self-medicated permanently. It's such a horrible cycle. And some people do not even get into the cycle because they get too bad to seek help and not bad enough to have help forced on them.

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[WishboneDawn]

I don't agree. The schizoprenics I used to work with when taking meds and of sound mind (more or less) recognized that their behavior when off meds was destructive and did not want to be that way. However, as they began to deteriorate, they would not be able to think rationally anymore and would go off meds. And the laws being what they are--requiring being dangerous to self or others (defined so narrowly that it has to be really a threat)--before anyone else could intervene against their now schizophrenia-deluded will prevented anyone from intervening before it was too late. The would go off meds and if they never got to the 'dangerous to self or others" phase, they could well have stayed off meds or self-medicated permanently. It's such a horrible cycle. And some people do not even get into the cycle because they get too bad to seek help and not bad enough to have help forced on them.

 

You're right of course.

[HSMom2One]

:grouphug: :iagree:

 

I think we were posting at the same time. You said a lot of what I was trying to put together. You said it much more eloquently than I did. I agree completely. Mentally ill people are people. They need love, support, and families just like the rest of us.

 

It's such a hard, lonely road.

 

Like you said, we're on the same page here. People struggling like this do need support and love. That doesn't mean it has to be the entire family, but at the same time I wish families of people with mental illness would take classes through NAMI. There are some great resources available to help people understand better. Education is key here. The more we are able to understand about the illness, the less we will be fearful. Most of the time, after all, fear is based on the unknown.

 

This is the part that worries me. The paranoid obsessive gets very fixated on certain people or situations. I'm afraid that he will begin to focus on my dc and that would be an absolute nightmare. Setting boundaries with him is very difficult because he then begins to feel that you are being controlled by someone else. Typing all my concerns out is really helping me to see how difficult it would all be. :(

 

Well, I wish I could say something to encourage you because you sound very fearful and anxious. But I don't know your situation or your relative so I don't want to jump to any conclusions. My experience and understanding, based on classes I've taken and people that I have known over the years, has led me to believe that the majority of mentally ill people are not harmful to others, and when patients are on their medication, OCD can be controlled. You know what's best for your dc though, so follow your instincts. I would just encourage you to learn more about this illness as much as possible. Like I mentioned above, NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) is a wonderful resource. I highly, highly recommend their Family to Family classes to anyone that has a mentally ill person in their lives. It made all the difference in the world to me when I took it.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[FaithManor]

One of my aunts is paranoid schizophrenic. She lives out of state and went for a very long period of time refusing to take meds. Her life was upside down, inside out, and at times definitely dangerous. Thankfully, she didn't come around a lot, but when she did, it was usually to see my dad or my grandmother to ask for money and they would warn me so that I could keep the children away. My children were very young and she becomes easily, unnaturally, very scarily fixated on young children. She hasn't come around in a long time. She is convinced that one of her grandson's is her own baby and she used to regularly attempt to kidnap him. She made off with him once for three months, but the authorities were able to find her. Therefore, though my kids are now 11, 12, 14, and 20, I still would not allow her around the minor children. I can't say for certain that she isn't dangerous or that she wouldn't carry a weapon or use something as a weapon during one of her delusions. She is VERY strong when delusional or hallucinatory. Her obsessive qualities are very scary.

 

My sister-in-law does not live far away. She is Bi-polar but decided that the doctors must be wrong and went off her meds. Hasn't been on them in years and she can be pretty tough verbally on the kids when she's in a depressive episode. She is love and giggles when manic. Despite the fact that she lives near, she doesn't come around because she knows I agree with the diagnosis and because she refuses to stay on meds will not be allowed unsupervised contact with the boys. DD, the paramedic, is actually quite adept at dealing with her aunt. I hope she will someday be able to teach the boys her techniques for coping with it. Part of it may be her ability as medical personnel to stay aloof and clinical. But, that said, dd is very gifted with mentally ill persons.

 

My other aunt is suicidal. She's had major problems with clinical depression for years, but up until a about four years ago, maintained quite well and was a wonderful aunt for my sibs and I while we were growing up. She and I had been close during my growing up and even young married years. She hid her problem very, very well and was a loving person. But a combination of undiagnosed thyroid problems (which most certainly fed the depression) along with choosing not to get help for most of her adult life (she admits to having problems dating back to the age of 17), meant she eventually deteriorated to a delusional state. Despite a huge amount of help from the medical profession and my uncle's dear care of her, she is unstable even with meds - literally, if it weren't for my uncle's hyper vigilance, she would have managed to kill herself by now. It is okay for my boys to be around her because when family visits, she really makes a supreme effort to maintain and we are honored that she puts herself through so much just to visit. I actually think it is good for my kids to know her. But, sometimes we cut visits short because we can all see how much it exhausts her to "maintain" and frankly, it almost seems cruel.

 

So, three mentally ill extended family members and three different answers. No contact, limited contact, as much contact as aunty can manage when appropriate.

 

Faith

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[Little Nyssa]

I have no answers for this question, since my mother, a schizophrenic, died before my kids had a chance to know her. But I would have had the same issue, and I would have asked people at a support group for advice-- look up Nami.org for a chapter near you. It's the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, made up of families who have been affected, so they are bound to have good advice on this one.

[HSMom2One]

I have no answers for this question, since my mother, a schizophrenic, died before my kids had a chance to know her. But I would have had the same issue, and I would have asked people at a support group for advice-- look up Nami.org for a chapter near you. It's the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, made up of families who have been affected, so they are bound to have good advice on this one.

 

Amen!

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[JudyJudyJudy]

I don't agree. The schizoprenics I used to work with when taking meds and of sound mind (more or less) recognized that their behavior when off meds was destructive and did not want to be that way. However, as they began to deteriorate, they would not be able to think rationally anymore and would go off meds. And the laws being what they are--requiring being dangerous to self or others (defined so narrowly that it has to be really a threat)--before anyone else could intervene against their now schizophrenia-deluded will prevented anyone from intervening before it was too late. The would go off meds and if they never got to the 'dangerous to self or others" phase, they could well have stayed off meds or self-medicated permanently. It's such a horrible cycle. And some people do not even get into the cycle because they get too bad to seek help and not bad enough to have help forced on them.

I agree, Laurie. My mother has paranoid schizophrenia as well as some other issues. She would go off meds because of her paranoia. She thought the doctors, like many other people in her real life and in what she thought was her real life, were trying to kill her. She is one of the people who, even while on medication, was never even close to "normal." I think my compassion for her is what made me survive without having more struggles than I do. My sisters who were always resentful of her because of her mental health issues are now the ones who are suffering with their own mental health issues.

 

As for my son, I've never tried to shield him from my mother. I've never felt that she was a danger to him (even though she was to me at times when I was a child), so I've always just been honest with him about her problems. However, at times I have had to shield him from one of my sisters (she is an alcoholic, and she has also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder) because she was a danger to him.

 

My brother was an alcoholic, and he died as a result. I never protected my son from him, and even though my son never even saw my brother when he had not drinking, he has good memories of him. My brother was nothing like my sister, though, so it was an entirely different story. You have to take each situation individually.

 

Dh's family has some issues, too, so it's scary. Genetics can suck, and I think it's healthier to be straightforward with a child than to totally try to shield a child. You never know which genes are going to be expressed in your children or potentially even in yourself later.

[HSMom2One]

I just thought I'd post this link to the NAMI website page that features the Family to Family education courses. I can't recommend this highly enough to anyone who has a loved one suffering from mental illness.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda