*~Tina~* Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 What advice would you give a married friend who has reconnected with an old flame?...(she and her dh have been married 12 years and have 3 children). I know they have communicated for a while and have met up in person...but I don't think much more at this point. She is not happy in her marriage and believes she is still in love with her ex. (that she had not seen for 15 years!). I'm kind of at a loss :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LidiyaDawn Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I'd keep my nose out of it unless she has specifically ASKED for your opinion…and even then, I'd tread cautiously if you want to keep your friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 If I had a good friend in this situation and she explicitly told me she was reconnecting with an ex she believed she was still in love with, I would tell her without hesitation to walk away. Period. Do not see him. Do not communicate with him. I would tell her to put on her big girl panties and deal with the life she has made for herself and not jump into a pot of trouble. The hurt she will heap on her husband and three kids will not be worth the short term thrill she will get from these feelings. I would risk a friendship over this, absolutely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 If she asked, marriage counseling and no contact with the ex until she and her husband have decided to end the marriage together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livingnlearning Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I'd remind her of the devastation she could cause with her children. I think the kids are probably the only thing that will make her stop and think if she's already gone this far. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 What advice would you give a married friend who has reconnected with an old flame?...(she and her dh have been married 12 years and have 3 children). I know they have communicated for a while and have met up in person...but I don't think much more at this point. She is not happy in her marriage and believes she is still in love with her ex. (that she had not seen for 15 years!). I'm kind of at a loss :tongue_smilie: I would tell her in no uncertain terms that she is making the biggest mistake of her life. I would strongly advise her to cease all contact with her EX. I would also tell her dh that she is in contact with an EX. He has a right to know this information. You might lose the friend, but you can at least keep your integrity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I'd remind her of the devastation she could cause with her children. I think the kids are probably the only thing that will make her stop and think if she's already gone this far. Yes. This too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 If I had a good friend in this situation and she explicitly told me she was reconnecting with an ex she believed she was still in love with, I would tell her without hesitation to walk away. Period. Do not see him. Do not communicate with him. I would tell her to put on her big girl panties and deal with the life she has made for herself and not jump into a pot of trouble. The hurt she will heap on her husband and three kids will not be worth the short term thrill she will get from these feelings. I would risk a friendship over this, absolutely. :iagree: Ditto if she is a good friend. I'd mind my own business for an acquaintance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 :iagree:Ditto if she is a good friend. I'd mind my own business for an acquaintance. For an acquaintance?....Hmmm....I might 'mind my own business.' However, I'd more likely still tell her dh. If she told me such private stuff she has made it my business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 "Plants don't grow if you don't water them." That's advice from an old Sunday School teacher to our young marrieds class. Or more biblically, Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. James 1:15 I'd advise her to knock it off, talk to her DH about it, and find some accountability that will be real accountability. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kchara Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 If I had a good friend in this situation and she explicitly told me she was reconnecting with an ex she believed she was still in love with, I would tell her without hesitation to walk away. Period. Do not see him. Do not communicate with him. I would tell her to put on her big girl panties and deal with the life she has made for herself and not jump into a pot of trouble. The hurt she will heap on her husband and three kids will not be worth the short term thrill she will get from these feelings. I would risk a friendship over this, absolutely. :iagree: This. Absolutely. I'd also remind her there's a reason he's her ex. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tricia Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 If I had a good friend in this situation and she explicitly told me she was reconnecting with an ex she believed she was still in love with, I would tell her without hesitation to walk away. Period. Do not see him. Do not communicate with him. I would tell her to put on her big girl panties and deal with the life she has made for herself and not jump into a pot of trouble. The hurt she will heap on her husband and three kids will not be worth the short term thrill she will get from these feelings. I would risk a friendship over this, absolutely. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristineW Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 If I had a good friend in this situation and she explicitly told me she was reconnecting with an ex she believed she was still in love with, I would tell her without hesitation to walk away. Period. Do not see him. Do not communicate with him. I would tell her to put on her big girl panties and deal with the life she has made for herself and not jump into a pot of trouble. The hurt she will heap on her husband and three kids will not be worth the short term thrill she will get from these feelings. I would risk a friendship over this, absolutely. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I'm a big believer that people considering having an affair should see an attorney on the front end so that (1) they can hear how much it will cost them financially and in terms of time with their children. This can make an affair seem less attractive, or perhaps not. But it's good to have information ahead of time and (2) so that they can protect themselves as best as possible. She needs to know whether an affair in her state is likely to result in not receiving support (in my state, her husband would have have to pay her alimony, for example). I tend to think a lot of people would choose not to have affairs if they understood some of the practical likely consequences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I would tell her in no uncertain terms that she is making the biggest mistake of her life. I would strongly advise her to cease all contact with her EX. I would also tell her dh that she is in contact with an EX. He has a right to know this information. You might lose the friend, but you can at least keep your integrity. Agreed. If you know someone is engaging in immoral behavior that is incredibly destructive and devastating to their spouse and children, and you don't call them on it, you are implicitly condoning it. Unfortunately, you are very possibly going to lose this friend anyway. If she leaves her family for this man, will you remain friends with her? If she has an affair and does not tell her DH, will you still be her friend? If her DH finds out about the affair and finds out you knew and said nothing, do you think he will support your continued friendship if they reconcile? Your friend has walked away from the values you thought you shared with her. There's a good chance she is gone unless she is remorseful and seeks help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 What advice would you give a married friend who has reconnected with an old flame?...(she and her dh have been married 12 years and have 3 children). I know they have communicated for a while and have met up in person...but I don't think much more at this point. She is not happy in her marriage and believes she is still in love with her ex. (that she had not seen for 15 years!). I'm kind of at a loss :tongue_smilie: I'd tell her to cut off all contact and guard her heart. She's only asking for trouble and hurt. She needs to figure out how to repair her marriage, and if she can't/won't repair it then she needs to divorce (though I would strongly encourage her to try to repair her marriage) and get that done and over with before she even considers another relationship. I would risk the friendship, and if she didn't cut it off with the ex, I would consider outing her to her dh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Agreed. If you know someone is engaging in immoral behavior that is incredibly destructive and devastating to their spouse and children, and you don't call them on it, you are implicitly condoning it. Unfortunately, you are very possibly going to lose this friend anyway. If she leaves her family for this man, will you remain friends with her? If she has an affair and does not tell her DH, will you still be her friend? If her DH finds out about the affair and finds out you knew and said nothing, do you think he will support your continued friendship if they reconcile? Your friend has walked away from the values you thought you shared with her. There's a good chance she is gone unless she is remorseful and seeks help. :iagree: Also, there is the chance your friend has confided in you because she is SEEKING moral counsel. Don't let her down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 :confused::confused::confused: First off, if she doesn't know the answer to that herself, then she's in deep. FLEE temptation, that's what you tell her to do. Does she REALLY think her children would come out of that unscathed? Does she really have so little regard for them? If she is not on solid footing with her Dh, she needs to be talking to an divorce attny for a divorce, not playing cutesy with an old flame. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 :grouphug: what a lousy thing! if it hasn't gone any farther, then i would advise her to stop all communication with her ex right now. if she needs to leave her marriage then she should do that now. if she doesn't want to leave without having someone else to go to, then its a "the grass is greener" moment, and she needs to recognize it and work thru it. love isn't a feeling, its an intentional choice to behave in a loving fashion. i'd encourage her to start making some intentional choices about how she treats her husband. ironically, if she kisses him goodbye and hello each day, and does one nice thoughtful thing for him each day (think cooking his favorite foods, spontaneously doing one of his chores if he looks tired, etc), then before she knows it the "feeling" of love for her husband will have returned. but only if she stops the idea of leaving and isn't communicating with the other guy. have you discussed it with your dh? is he friends with your friend's dh? would your dh want to know if it were you? how would he like to find out? is there really anything to find out yet? it hurts my heart. ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Oh boy. That's a tough one. If she's currently unhappy and says she thinks she's still in love with the ex, I'm thinking that your advice would either be too late or fall on deaf ears, or both. I think that all I would do is offer an ear, and if asked I would gently remind her of all the years she shared with her dh. If she feels she must leave him, then I'd gently encourage her to be adult about it and try to be as kind as possible. I try not to get involved in other people's relationships beyond what I said above. I don't know all the ins and outs of their relationship and there may be many factors there that I couldn't possibly understand. So, although I generally want people to be happy with their spouses, that isn't always reality, and it certainly isn't my place to tell them to to stay together. There are just too many unknown things. I think adults have to make their own decisions on matters of the heart. I try to stay neutral about the marriage, but supportive of the person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 You have to tell her you think it's a really bad idea and that she should not have any contact with this man. If you lose a friendship over this, then it wasn't much of a friendship to begin with. Regardless of how bad she thinks things are in her marriage, there will be no comparison to how bad things will be if she pursues this relationship. The repercussions will last the rest of her life, and her children's lives, and oh so many others' lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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