Blossom'sGirl Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 I usually keep my private life off these boards, but we need help. My mom has been coming to our house Every. Single. Weekend. for awhile now. She comes at dinner-time and leaves as soon as dessert is over. She lives an hour away but has a fixer-upper she is working on and sleeps at that is closer to our house. That is her excuse for coming so often. She does bring food sometimes but rarely helps prepare or clean up. The biggest issue is that the atmosphere of our house changes when she is here. She tells us all her problems and then balks at advice or questioning why she does what she does. She is self centered and takes over when she comes. She brings tons of old food she gets at a senior center and fills my fridge with her stuff. DH has been very good about it, but she drives him nuts too. What makes it harder is that my MIL has been living with us for almost 4 years. She is fine and is good with boundaries, but I think my mom sees this as a "well she's there so I should be too" Help. She has called three times today and left messages. She always wants to know what we are doing this weekend and what we are eating etc. I really want to tell her we need a break, but I don't know how without the guilt trip. Another frustration is that because she is a hoarder she always visits us and never has to play hostess. My kids don't even know where she lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Wow, that sounds horrible. I have no idea what I'd do. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 I don't think you can. I would go out for dinner - a picnic maybe, but you can't tell your mom without hurting her feelings. Not saying you shouldn't say anything, but only if you do it will hurt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 I have no idea either. Does she let you know she is coming? If not, I'd be out of the house if possible. If she does, can you plead a headache, the kids are tired, the house is a wreck and you just can't handle company, something? That may only work once though. I'm sorry! :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Send her and your MIL away for a couple of weekends? That's a tough one. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 How about having some friends over instead this weekend? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Here is the truth about boundaries. There is no way to assert them that aren't uncomfortable and that create negative feelings. You have a choice. You can keep going like this. Or you can assert reasonable boundaries. I'd personally vote for the boundaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blossom'sGirl Posted August 11, 2011 Author Share Posted August 11, 2011 How about having some friends over instead this weekend? Oh, She would definitely show up if we have company. Last year, I invited my father and brother for a special Father's Day picnic (I do the same for the moms on Mother's Day) and asked her not to come and I did get the guilt trip and she showed up anyway. Headaches, and tired kids don't make a difference because she is really not there to visit with them and if I have a headache she just hangs out downstairs. She does help sometimes but I just need a break. She did watch the kids two weeks ago so we could help MIL with shopping for stuff for her house she is going to be moving to. I think she justifies herself with these types of help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 I think I'd start packing sandwiches and hanging at the pool from 5 until closing (8?) every single night. I'd bring the kids pjs and change them into pjs when the pool was closing. After all the swimming they'd be ready for bed when they got home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 In the case of your mother (I have to do this with mine too!!), I'd just say, "Mom, we're taking the weekend off entertaining for our family. Let's talk about the following week (or whenever you think you'll be ready again)." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blossom'sGirl Posted August 11, 2011 Author Share Posted August 11, 2011 I think I'd start packing sandwiches and hanging at the pool from 5 until closing (8?) every single night. I'd bring the kids pjs and change them into pjs when the pool was closing. After all the swimming they'd be ready for bed when they got home. But then she is still running my life. Fact is I am trying to paint my kitchen and get a lot done on weekends. I am torn because I like talking to her, if she will bother listening to me, but coming over every Fri. and Sat night and Sunday afternoon is too much. She sees herself not really as company but just hanging out and eating. She drives DH nuts because she starts to tell of all her problems and most of them are results of bad choices. When he calls her on this she says we are picking on her and, heaven forbid, anyone mention her hoarding problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blossom'sGirl Posted August 11, 2011 Author Share Posted August 11, 2011 In the case of your mother (I have to do this with mine too!!), I'd just say, "Mom, we're taking the weekend off entertaining for our family. Let's talk about the following week (or whenever you think you'll be ready again)." I like this. I would still get a guilt trip from it, but I just might try it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Here is the truth about boundaries. There is no way to assert them that aren't uncomfortable and that create negative feelings. You have a choice. You can keep going like this. Or you can assert reasonable boundaries. I'd personally vote for the boundaries. :iagree: "Mom, I'm sorry, but we can't have you over this weekend. Let's talk next week. Love you!" Or, you can just keep living this way... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnsinkableKristen Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Does she ask if she can come over or does she just show up? If she asks, I would politely say "Sorry, Mom, this weekend isn't a good weekend for us. Why don't you come over (insert preference)?" If she informs I would politely say the same thing. If she just shows up, I would just have the door locked and not answer it no matter how long she knocks. I've done that last one before and while it is SO uncomfortable, they do eventually go away :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 :iagree: "Mom, I'm sorry, but we can't have you over this weekend. Let's talk next week. Love you!" Or, you can just keep living this way... One thing that I learned from a savy business woman is that you can avoid having to explain/argue/justify if you end the conversation without allowing for a response. What Shannon said above in a cheery voice, "let's talk next week, love you mom, gotta go" hang up. Now, it sounds like maybe she'd show up anyway which is another issue and I have no idea what to do about that, except to not be home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Eat early, before she arrives...:confused::confused::confused: I think honesty is the only way to deal with this if you are at your limit; expect hurt feelings, guilt and resistance though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evergreen State Sue Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 coming over every Fri. and Sat night and Sunday afternoon is too much. She sees herself not really as company but just hanging out and eating. How about: "Hi Mom, our family needs a bit of a break so we're taking the weekend off from extended family. Hope you get lots of work done on your house and we'll see you ______. Love ya, Bye!" Direct approach might work too: "Mom, I need a break. Please don't come over until I invite you." You do need a break - I hope you get it soon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eewaggie99 Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 :iagree: "Mom, I'm sorry, but we can't have you over this weekend. Let's talk next week. Love you!" Or, you can just keep living this way... This absolutely. Boundaries need to be set if you're going bonkers. "I love you" can soften the blow but for your own sanity, say no thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RahRah Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 This absolutely. Boundaries need to be set if you're going bonkers. "I love you" can soften the blow but for your own sanity, say no thanks. :iagree: Something along the lines of "Mom, you know we love you and the time we get to spend with you - this weekend though, DH and I decided we need some time for just us and the kids, I hope you understand we've made plans (no explaining, justifying, defending - you just have made plans!). How about we plan you come again on DATE?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duckens Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Put her to work. When she asks and hints around about next weekend, say, "I'm planning to paint the kitchen, so if you show up, be expected to WORK!" And give her the jobs that are your least favorite. (Hey, they ,might be her most favorite!) You should get something out of this. :D If she can't help with the painting, set her to work folding clothes, vacuuming/dusting, making all the beds in the house, emptying all trash cans, cleaning bathrooms, and helping the kids clean their rooms. Put her outside to mow the lawn or wash the car. If there is ANY complaining, remind her that "This our WORK weekend, and you knew that if you showed up, I would need your help working. These are the jobs I need to get done this weekend. Funny how there are jobs that need to be done every weekend. ---------------------------- Likewise, when she drops in unexpected for dinner, say DURING DINNER, "Which of you kids wants to wash dishes with Grandma tonight? Grandma is washing!" And if Grandma is there to eat every night, she will be washing dishes every night, because in our household, everyone works. If Grandma balks, tell her that you are teaching your kids that everyone helps to clean up, even if they are a guest in someone else's home. I suggest "washing dishes" for Grandma because it is the easiest for a guest to do. Putting dishes away, putting food away, and finding cleaning supplies (rags, brooms) for wiping the table and sweeping the floor are more complex tasks and more work for you to set a guest up to do. There are plenty of jobs cleaning up after a meal for everyone to help. ----------------------------------------- As for the food she brings, you need to send it home with her. Between you and the kids and your SO, someone needs to remember to just get it from the fridge and hand it to her as she is getting into her car. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVA Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Here is the truth about boundaries. There is no way to assert them that aren't uncomfortable and that create negative feelings. You have a choice. You can keep going like this. Or you can assert reasonable boundaries. I'd personally vote for the boundaries. :iagree: Joanne is so wise. We have to realize ahead of time that asserting boundaries can make for hard feelings and loneliness. We have to be willing to endure that for our sanity. The loneliness can come in the form of others (the rest of your family?) not agreeing with you and turning their back on you. Setting boundaries helps us grow a spine. BTDT. Sorry you're going thru this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Speaking as one who has had to set boundaries: Think about the worst that can happen and ask yourself--can I deal with that? Really what can happen, she'll get mad and not speak to you--OK, scare me more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serene Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 She did watch the kids two weeks ago so we could help MIL with shopping for stuff for her house she is going to be moving to. I think she justifies herself with these types of help. How about when MIL moves out, you declare 'just us' for a month (or 6), no visitors/company on the weekends. Maybe she won't feel like she's entitled to be there after MIL leaves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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