s/o weight change since marriage - "obligation" to maintain appearance

[Scarlett]

By some of the comments in this thread, I should realise that I've let my husband down, should just go shoot myself, and let him move on :glare:

 

Yes, it's a touchy subject with me. I grew up knowing too many @$$3$.

 

:grouphug:

 

I don't think anyone is being unkind. I am sorry you are hurt by it.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I think that a lot of people are bucking up against the word "obligation".

 

We each have expectations of each other. Right now dh makes most of the money and I do most of the housework/homeschooling. Those are the roles we have agreed on, but we don't really use the word 'obligation', but I guess we really ARE obligated to those things.

 

I choose to do things that I know he likes (wear my hair long, be a 'HennaRincess', etc.) because I WANT to do those things for him. I like to know that I am making the dessert he wants/wearing what he likes. (He has gained 60 pound since we got married. I've lost 70, but we both needed to make such changes.)

[Pretty in Pink]

I did find it interesting, too, that some said they wished their husbands would lose weight. Is it okay for women to think that and not men? Or should men not think the same way about weight b/c they do not go through the physiological changes of child-bearing????

 

I think it's okay for either spouse to wish the other would lose some weight.

[jenangelcat]

I say BS. First off why do only women need to maintain? Secondly, people change, it's going to happen whether you like it or not. Never mind the weight, people age no matter how hard they try to stop it. People also change their interests, opinions, personalities. Nobody can go in to a marriage expecting that the person they married is going to be exactly same later down the road. Whether those changes will be acceptable or not to either party is another thing entirely.

[myfunnybunch]

Funny thing is, right after I wrote that I looked in the mirror and took note of the black bean soup remnants stuck in my teeth that made me look like a hillbilly.

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

The kids want to know why I am laughing so hard.

 

Cat

[twoforjoy]

Well, thank goodness for dh that I didn't do much to keep up my appearance before we got married! :lol:

 

:lol: That's exactly what I was thinking!

 

I'm fortunate that neither DH nor I are very appearance-oriented people. I can't imagine either of us feeling like the other had some sort of obligation to maintain a certain appearance.

 

I think some of the issue here is that people are acting as if body size is something easy to control. People get fat by overeating/underexercising, and can get thin by eating less and moving more. It doesn't work that way, in most cases, though, at least not long-term. Weight is more genetically determined than height, studies have found. So expecting your spouse to lose weight is like expecting them to get taller, in many cases.

 

I think it's reasonable to expect that your spouse will make reasonable attempts to be healthy and happy. So, I think expecting that they'll eat well and be reasonably active is okay. But, expecting their body to be a certain size is not reasonable or okay.

Edited August 11, 2011 by twoforjoy

[Amy loves Bud]

I say BS. First off why do only women need to maintain? Secondly, people change, it's going to happen whether you like it or not. Never mind the weight, people age no matter how hard they try to stop it. People also change their interests, opinions, personalities. Nobody can go in to a marriage expecting that the person they married is going to be exactly same later down the road. Whether those changes will be acceptable or not to either party is another thing entirely.

 

No one said they were only talking about women, and most have acknowledged that there are certain parts of aging/ health changes that are out of our control. But I still fail to see an issue with wishing that one's spouse would maintain a reasonable level of self-care within the limitations that nature imposes upon us.

[Crimson Wife]

I say BS. First off why do only women need to maintain?

 

The harsh truth is that in general people (both men and women) are far more critical about a woman's physical appearance. The expectation for a successful man is to have a wife who "looks the part". That's not to say that she's got to be a 20something model type. But at least in my social circle, there is an expectation for wives to have a slim-to-medium figure, be reasonably stylishly dressed and well-groomed, etc.

[Mom-ninja.]

I agree that a person should put in effort to stay attractive to his/her spouse.

 

I also think that a person should stay as fit as possible. Of course one can't help getting sick, so I'm talking about things that one can do to lower risk of getting sick. My dh has boderline blood pressure and was pre-diabetic due to his weight and lack of enough exercise. He now exercises more so he can try to reverse the path he was heading down. He feels (and I agree) that he has a responsibility to himself and to his family to do what he can to be healthy.

[Guest]

I definitely understand her point. I can see people don't want a bait-and-switch, lol.

[Guest]

By some of the comments in this thread, I should realise that I've let my husband down, should just go put myself to pasture, and let him move on :glare:

 

Yes, it's a touchy subject with me. I grew up knowing too many @$$3$.

 

 

That's a little extreme, don't ya think? ;)

 

You haven't let your husband down. My dh is the one who gained the weight, and while I'm not let down, I do wish he would do something about it. Nothing drastic, just put in a little exercise (20-30 min. a day), don't overeat, etc. Giving up and doing nothing about isn't the way to go (not saying you are doing it).

 

I think it's harder for women because they are the ones who put on weight from pregnancies. It's a lot of work to lose it, but it's doable.

 

Relax, and if you want to lose weight make the small changes I mentioned. You will start seeing a difference, and it will motivate you to do more.

 

No one has the right to mistreat someone who gained weight in a marriage (again, not saying that is your situation), but I understand how it feels to wish your spouse would do something about it.

 

:grouphug:

 

ETA:

 

I just read where you said that you used underweight before and it could have killed you. I do not think you should worry and lose weight if it's going to result in getting too thin. I used to be 96 lbs. (currently 125), and my dh said I used to be WAAAAY too skinny. I bet your dh feels the same way.

Edited August 11, 2011 by Jinnah

[MBM]

When I see someone who looks frumpy and frazzled, I wonder if they're depressed and/or tired. I know many mothers who are worn out and unsupported, so it's really no surprise they're not putting an effort into their looks.

[jenangelcat]

The harsh truth is that in general people (both men and women) are far more critical about a woman's physical appearance. The expectation for a successful man is to have a wife who "looks the part". That's not to say that she's got to be a 20something model type. But at least in my social circle, there is an expectation for wives to have a slim-to-medium figure, be reasonably stylishly dressed and well-groomed, etc.

 

Oh I am well aware of that. It doesn't have to be that way. Collectively women need to start standing up for themselves and insisting on equality. We did well getting the right to vote but we seem to be back in a downward slide. Accepting backward and unjust attitudes isn't do anyone any favors.

[jenangelcat]

But I still fail to see an issue with wishing that one's spouse would maintain a reasonable level of self-care within the limitations that nature imposes upon us.

 

 

I didn't say that.

[UnsinkableKristen]

But at least in my social circle, there is an expectation for wives to have a slim-to-medium figure, be reasonably stylishly dressed and well-groomed, etc.

 

 

I guess I don't see where this is unreasonable :confused:. I'm willing to be that in that same social circle, the husbands aren't all morbidly obese and wearing stained wife beaters. :D

[Embassy]

I think is it is disingenuous to say that one only falls in love with a *person* , and that looks don't matter. How can you separate the two, or what one finds attractive?

 

I can separate them. Dh fell in love with who I am and not what I look like. How do I know? He fell in love with me before he saw me. I did the same with him.

[Caterpiller]

I don't agree that you should try to look the same way you did when you got married. I DO agree that you should do your best to look as nice as you can. For my husband, my appearence can affect his self worth. I have let my self go terribly since getting married and so has he. Honestly it effects our marrage though we do love each other and would never concider our looks a factor in our love towards one another. But it is a factor in other things. He and I both really need to do better, specifically in the weight department.

 

BTW...

 

I don't believe this is all aimed at women either. Men have their own regiments for "man beauty" lol they need to have clean teeth, reasonably clean hands (some men, like mechanics can't help it, but they can control things like good nail care.) and hygenic bodies. They can get their hair cut on a regular basis in a style that is flattering to themselves and their spouse. They can DO their hair and groom their facial hair so that it too is not scraggly. They can take care of thier skin and be responsible for wearing a sun block if they work in the sun (this effects their health as well) They can keep active and make healthy choices especially when it comes to how MUCH they are eatting, and they can wear nice clothes and a cologne that both partners like. They can make sure they don't have any weird random hairs poking out of their shoulders. lol

 

Men absolutly have to work at looking nice. And MOST feel the same way as women do about their tv and magazine counter parts. They WANT to look like a pro athlete selling shoes. They just don't complain about it the way we women do. They hold it in and we make them feel like crap when we say things like, "I wish I was a man so I wouldn't have to care about my looks." Most men WANT you to care about their looks.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I don't agree that you should try to look the same way you did when you got married. I DO agree that you should do your best to look as nice as you can. For my husband, my appearence can affect his self worth. I have let my self go terribly since getting married and so has he. Honestly it effects our marrage though we do love each other and would never concider our looks a factor in our love towards one another. But it is a factor in other things. He and I both really need to do better, specifically in the weight department..

 

:confused: the bolded? YOUR appearance affects HIS self-worth?

[Caterpiller]

YES it does. My husband is very self concious in a lot of things. His weight for example is a problem. My being over weight is a validation for him being over weight BUT Then he feels like we are a "fat couple" and that embarasses me. He needs me to be a good example for him in order to succeed with his own weight. So yes, he I would say it has a big effect on his self worth. He grew up with really unhygenic people and when I am unhygenic it embarresses him, and rightfully so I should say. I'd be embarassed if my husband stunk when we were out and about too. (not saying im regularly unhygenic. lol but i've had my moments. :p) He feels like I am a PART of him, which I would agree with. So how I present myself is essentially how he presents himself. AND vice versa.

[Rosy]

I don't understand the "bait-and-switch" concept. Are we asserting that some women are deliberately staying thin and well-groomed to catch a man, and then letting it all go as soon as they have the ring??? I can't imagine anyone I know doing this deliberately.

 

What I have seen are women who gain weight because of pregnancies, being the primary caregiver of children and having to fight much harder to find time to exercise, depression, having less control over their schedule and environment because of all of the above, etc. Most men have minor, if any, career and lifestyle changes when they marry. Women simply have far more weight-gain triggers as a part of their lifestyle, in my opinion. Women also have far more societal pressure to maintain a certain physical appearance.

 

Yes, this is personal for me. I weigh about 80 lbs more than when I married my husband 12 years ago. To imply that someone in my position deliberately misled a man, in order to trap him into a marriage where he didn't get what he signed up for, is offensive.

[Scarlett]

I can separate them. Dh fell in love with who I am and not what I look like. How do I know? He fell in love with me before he saw me. I did the same with him.

 

I wondered how long before someone posted this kind of story. The thing is though if you had met each other and were repulsed in some way physically it would have been a deal breaker.

 

This happened to a friend of mine. She is Japanese. Lives in Tokyo. Through a mutual friend she began corresponding with a young man. (they were late 20s). They were so well matched in every way. They shared a love and ability of/for music. Their religious beliefs were the same. They talked for hours. Then she met him. He wasn't overweight, unclean....nothing like that. But it wasn't 'there'.

[Scarlett]

Yes, this is personal for me. I weigh about 80 lbs more than when I married my husband 12 years ago. To imply that someone in my position deliberately misled a man, in order to trap him into a marriage where he didn't get what he signed up for, is offensive.

 

There are women who do this. Doesn't mean you are. It was a general comment that a man MIGHT feel like he was tricked. Doesn't mean all men feel that way.

 

Btw, I was definitely tricked by my first husband. Not about physical appearance but about other equally (if not more) important issues. It is a very bad feeling to realize that.

[ChiMomNP]

There are many expectations and obligations in our marriage, there I said it. That applies to both of us. Some involve physical appearance, some involve attitude, some involve income, and some involve boundaries and so forth. There are deal breakers here, again that extends to both of us. I think these things are relationship specific and everyone has their own "tipping point".

[Embassy]

I wondered how long before someone posted this kind of story. The thing is though if you had met each other and were repulsed in some way physically it would have been a deal breaker.

 

This happened to a friend of mine. She is Japanese. Lives in Tokyo. Through a mutual friend she began corresponding with a young man. (they were late 20s). They were so well matched in every way. They shared a love and ability of/for music. Their religious beliefs were the same. They talked for hours. Then she met him. He wasn't overweight, unclean....nothing like that. But it wasn't 'there'.

 

It doesn't sound quite the same. Was your friend actually in love before she saw him? Love isn't repulsed by physical appearance.

[Crimson Wife]

I guess I don't see where this is unreasonable :confused:. I'm willing to be that in that same social circle, the husbands aren't all morbidly obese and wearing stained wife beaters. :D

 

The sad thing is, in our social circle, there are a fair number of husbands who are overweight (not morbidly obese but who are probably 30-40 lbs. over ideal). However, most of their wives are thin. Think Tony & Carmela Soprano only obviously not the Mafia part ;)

[Scarlett]

It doesn't sound quite the same. Was your friend actually in love before she saw him? Love isn't repulsed by physical appearance.

 

But love involves physical appearance. I don't think two people can be totally in love until they see each other in person.

[mom2scouts]

I was very, very thin when I got married at age 20 and I've gained A LOT of weight over the years. I have 5 living children, but I've had seven other pregnancies that were lost late in the pregnancy. As a result of my losses, I suffered from severe depression and drowned my pain in food. I also took, for years, medications that are known to cause large amounts of weight gain. Also, with young children, depression, financial issues and a physical problem that makes even walking difficult, it's been hard to find a way to consistently get exercise. My husband saw my weight go up and up and up over the years due to physical and emotional crisis. He saw my effort to lose the pregnancy weight hampered by other factors. He KNOWS that I didn't just "let myself go". He knows that I've tried to set up an exercise time only to have his work schedule throw me off or my previous injury flare up and cause me to have to stop for awhile. I doubt there are many women who could get through more than a dozen pregnancies, major depression, and meds and still look like they did at age 20.

 

As for nice clothing and such, my dh and I have very few clothes and they are often worn. We spend our money to give our kids opportunities, education and clothes (since they grow out of theirs faster). Our clothes are clean and we bathe daily, but we're probably not "stylishly dressed". Today I NEED a haircut. I've needed a haircut for many weeks. Before reading this post, I called my husband to ask if he would mind if I dipped into the emergency fund so I can get a haircut at one of those cheap walk in places. I *really* don't have the money for a haircut and my kids need one too. (Think about the thread about "being broke".) My friend has offered to color or highlight my hair tomorrow if I get a haircut today and she doesn't charge me. I want to look nice. I want to find a way to lose weight (although I'll *never* look like a 20 year old bride again). Sometimes life gets in the way. Yes, I'm somewhat offended to think that others think I got the guy so I can just "let myself go" now.:001_huh:

[breadnbutter]

Enjoying this discussion too.

 

I don't believe maintaining your appearance is an obligation, but I do believe it can be a way to show love and respect to your spouse. I like to look nice for my dh for the same reason I like to make his favorite meals- I love the look on his face when I do it!

 

The weight issue is a completely different issue. Maybe a woman can wake up once day and get a new wardrobe and hairstyle but aside from liposuction can't just drop 50 pounds in one day. Working at it does not even guarantee any success. I think that a woman "working" at weight loss can end up being a sabotage- she gets so focused on her body size that she can't be confident in how she is at the moment. Or she doesn't bother getting nice clothes etc. because they're waiting for an ubiquitous someday when they will be thin/beautiful enough. Self-hatred totally strips a woman of her natural beauty imho.

 

But what constitutes beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Cultural standards of beauty don't need to apply. Like other PP's have said, if that's the way your dh likes it than that's all that matters. I remember in the days after I gave birth looking in the mirror and telling my dh UGH I look awful, I can't wait til I look put together, take a shower, etc. etc. But he told me something to the effect of, are you crazy, you've never looked more beautiful. True beauty is so much more than skin deep like they say.

[Caterpiller]

As for nice clothing and such, my dh and I have very few clothes and they are often worn. We spend our money to give our kids opportunities, education and clothes (since they grow out of theirs faster). Our clothes are clean and we bathe daily, but we're probably not "stylishly dressed". Today I NEED a haircut. I've needed a haircut for many weeks. Before reading this post, I called my husband to ask if he would mind if I dipped into the emergency fund so I can get a haircut at one of those cheap walk in places. I *really* don't have the money for a haircut and my kids need one too. (Think about the thread about "being broke".) My friend has offered to color or highlight my hair tomorrow if I get a haircut today and she doesn't charge me. I want to look nice. I want to find a way to lose weight (although I'll *never* look like a 20 year old bride again). Sometimes life gets in the way. Yes, I'm somewhat offended to think that others think I got the guy so I can just "let myself go" now.:001_huh:

 

 

To be fair, We have no money either. I get hair cuts once a year if im lucky. DH has to get one every 3-4 weeks because of his job. Our clothes are worn too and all my "new" clothes come from thrift stores. DHs work shirts have holes in the elbows. BUT they are clean. Specifically for me wearing nice clothes means not running around in my pjs all day, but actually taking the time to get dressed. I can't afford make up either, and in fact my friend recently bought me make up as a gift because she knew I didn't have any. :tongue_smilie: Being clean and well groomed (make up or not) still takes an effort and you should feel good that you have put the effort in. My grandma has always been the most put together person I have EVER known in every aspect of the word including her looks, and she has NEVER had a two spare dimes to her name.

[butterflymommy]

I have been very conscious about my weight since I married, if I ever noticed myself gaining I would right away cut back/ eat healthier and try to be a little more active. This was as much for personal reasons, as it was wanting to remain attractive to my husband.

 

But.... he doesn't care! Honestly I could gain 50+ pounds and let everything else go too, he would not mind. He might say a few things here and there out of concern for my health, but he wouldn't harass me about my place on the "attractive meter."

 

It actually bothers me a bit how little he seems to care about my appearance. For a few years I really let myself go in terms of clothes, hair, makeup, but now make an effort to look presentable.

 

So it's a blessing-- but also not-- to have a husband oblivious to your looks!

[Embassy]

But love involves physical appearance. I don't think two people can be totally in love until they see each other in person.

 

I disagree. My life is testament to that. We were very much in love and engaged before we saw each other in person. Physical appearance is just icing on the cake. It isn't the cake. And if the icing was less than desirable I would still crave and want the most delicious cake in the world. Love sees beyond the wrinkles, the growing waistline, the loss of hair, chronic pain, no money in the bank.... IMO, love that involves physical appearance isn't true love.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

But love involves physical appearance. I don't think two people can be totally in love until they see each other in person.

 

Surely you don't really believe that! If so, blind persons could never be totally in love.

[UnsinkableKristen]

Love sees beyond the wrinkles, the growing waistline, the loss of hair, chronic pain, no money in the bank.... IMO, love that involves physical appearance isn't true love.

 

I understand this. I know that if DH were in a fire and suffered burns that completely obscured his whole body, I would still adore him with every fiber of my being. It wouldn't change a thing.

 

I also know, that if he gained 200 pounds from eating nothing but cheetos and stopped bathing, that I would still adore him with every fiber of my being.

 

BUT

 

I am also able to admit that it wouldn't be my first choice, appearance wise. I would PREFER him to be healthy and to take care of himself. That has absolutely no effect on my LOVE for him, though.

 

Like others have said, it's a preference, not a deal-breaker.

[Scarlett]

Surely you don't really believe that! If so, blind persons could never be totally in love.

 

Ha! But there is more to physical appearance than what you 'see'! Smell, touch, sound.....

 

I actually believe two people can have a GREAT relationship that blooms from an arranged marriage. So clearly I do not think physical attraction is the MOST important thing. But I do think it is important.

 

Or maybe I am just that shallow? Shrug.

[Scarlett]

I understand this. I know that if DH were in a fire and suffered burns that completely obscured his whole body, I would still adore him with every fiber of my being. It wouldn't change a thing.

 

I also know, that if he gained 200 pounds from eating nothing but cheetos and stopped bathing, that I would still adore him with every fiber of my being.

 

BUT

 

I am also able to admit that it wouldn't be my first choice, appearance wise. I would PREFER him to be healthy and to take care of himself. That has absolutely no effect on my LOVE for him, though.

 

Like others have said, it's a preference, not a deal-breaker.

 

Yes. I do agree with this. I think the thing for ME is if my mate didn't care enough to keep himself up.

 

I do not think I would adore my dh if he gained 200 pounds from eating just cheetos and he stopped bathing. I don't. So there.

[Scarlett]

I disagree. My life is testament to that. We were very much in love and engaged before we saw each other in person. Physical appearance is just icing on the cake. It isn't the cake. And if the icing was less than desirable I would still crave and want the most delicious cake in the world. Love sees beyond the wrinkles, the growing waistline, the loss of hair, chronic pain, no money in the bank.... IMO, love that involves physical appearance isn't true love.

 

Clearly you were not repulsed by your dh when you first met him in person. So we cannot prove my theory.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Ha! But there is more to physical appearance than what you 'see'! Smell, touch, sound.....

 

.

 

I think you are right. After I posted that I began thinking about all the ways that blind persons do 'see.'

[Slojo's Homeschool]

Gosh,

 

I'm always chiming in at the end of these threads. I certainly didn't have the time to read all of them, but I guess the OP concerns me a bit, and I'm glad I'm not in a marriage that has that expectation.

 

Sure, you should keep up some level of appearances -- well, mostly to please yourself, IMO - but as an extension of that, to please your spouse (because being pleasing to my spouse is a big piece of my self-concept).

 

Having said that, sheesh! Basically stay the same as when you married? No, I'm going for looking good for 40, 50 or whatever age I'm blessed to be. Over the course of a 40 or 50 year marriage, I'm probably going to gain some weight along the way. 100 pounds would signal other health problems, but 20 pounds over the course of several children, illness, menopause, and decades -- yeah, I think my husband would be quite the jerk to expect that at 60, I'd fit into my wedding dress (or even if I did that it would fit just the same as if my body would be as toned at 60 as it was at 30 - and it wasn't that toned at 30)!

 

If I color my hair, it would be to please myself - in my own natural instinct to look as good as possible. But I wouldn't be trying to go for 25, I'd be going for a nice-looking 40 year old. If I go gray - and I think gray can be gorgeous - I'd like to think my husband could go for that because he's a mature enough man to want to be with a 50 year old or 60 year old.

 

I don't look like my wedding day photo, but I manage to bath, put on clean clothes and do basic grooming. I can dress up well when I have somewhere to go. But I'm not frozen in time. I find women over 40, 50 who are trying to look like they did when they were 20 a bit bizarre and sad, and they end up looking dated because of it. Your hair and skin change as you age, and applying more and more make up to "hide" wrinkles can actually make someone look less attractive.

 

I guess what I'm getting at is - yes, keep up basic appearances, but be with someone who can accept that you will age, accept that life circumstances change appearances sometimes (my hair actual fell out in patches because of life stressors this year). Also, what about the concept of there being more than just one static way of seeing someone as physically attractive? I would hope that my husband doesn't fit me within some narrow range of attractiveness - that there is a range of weights I could be (not 100 lbs over the original weight, but 10 - 20) and still be attractive. That graying hair doesn't knock me out of the running; that cellulite and sagging breasts - that nursed your children BTW - aren't deal breakers. All of those things either have or are likely to change as I age.

 

Yes, everyone wants an attractive spouse, but I would like to think that I married one that has a flexible view of attractiveness. This is all really interesting to me because I have a friend who is blind, and I keep wondering how he would relate to this thread.

[Ginevra]

I understand this. I know that if DH were in a fire and suffered burns that completely obscured his whole body, I would still adore him with every fiber of my being. It wouldn't change a thing.

 

I also know, that if he gained 200 pounds from eating nothing but cheetos and stopped bathing, that I would still adore him with every fiber of my being.

 

BUT

 

I am also able to admit that it wouldn't be my first choice, appearance wise. I would PREFER him to be healthy and to take care of himself. That has absolutely no effect on my LOVE for him, though.

 

Like others have said, it's a preference, not a deal-breaker.

 

That's an interesting view. In your first example, yes, I would still love my husband - he didn't choose to be damaged by the fire. In the second example, it would affect my feelings about him, because it would represent a fundamental change in his character. If he gained 200 lbs eating nothing but Cheetos and stopped bathing, I equate that with, "I don't value myself enough to care for my body properly and I don't value your enjoyment enough to care for my body properly." It would affect my love for him.

 

Call me unromantic, but I'm not a big believer in "unconditional" love between spouses.

[The Girls' Mom]

Well, my dh married a 16 year old teenager with long permed hair and a fondness for ripped jeans. I married a cute 18 year old boy with a mullet and that lanky teen boy look still about him.

We are now in our mid-thirties with adolescent children. Our appearance is NOTHING like it was 20 years ago, and I would be horrified if my dh expected it to be. I never expected or hoped that my dh would always look like he did when we married, and I would say the same is true for him.

[leeannpal]

To me the term "obligation" is completely at odds for something I would try to do out of love. If I feel an obligation to do it, I have moved out of the realm of love and into the realm of fear.

 

What happens if I do not fulfill my "obligation?" Shudder, this whole concept gives me the heebee jeebies! :tongue_smilie:

 

My dh doesn't take great care of his body and I do not like it!!!!!! In fact, I am really struggling with this right now. That said, he is under no obligation to. He is an adult who is free to make his own decisions.

I agree! Dh has Type II Diabetes and is about 70 pounds overweight. So, should be mad at him because he doesnt' "care" enough about me and my daughter to lose weight? He is an intelligent, compassionate man who is a great father. He also has eating issues, and try as I might to help him, it is unlikely he will change. He is a grown adult and makes his own decisions. But I honestly don't think he is being unkind or disrespectful to me because he doesnt' take better care of himself. It's his issue.

[leeannpal]

No one said they were only talking about women, and most have acknowledged that there are certain parts of aging/ health changes that are out of our control. But I still fail to see an issue with wishing that one's spouse would maintain a reasonable level of self-care within the limitations that nature imposes upon us.

It is an issue because it can lead to rifts in the marriage and great disappoint if your spouse doesn't live up to your standards.

[Embassy]

Clearly you were not repulsed by your dh when you first met him in person. So we cannot prove my theory.

 

Because if I was repulsed I wouldn't have been married? I'm not sure how you are making that connection because from my viewpoint that doesn't make sense.

 

Love came first. Love isn't love if it stops when physical appearance isn't desirable. Beauty or handsomeness come from inside out. If you love the person on the inside you will appreciate the exterior even if it is undesirable.

[leeannpal]

The harsh truth is that in general people (both men and women) are far more critical about a woman's physical appearance. The expectation for a successful man is to have a wife who "looks the part". That's not to say that she's got to be a 20something model type. But at least in my social circle, there is an expectation for wives to have a slim-to-medium figure, be reasonably stylishly dressed and well-groomed, etc.

Thank goodness I don't have to be around the people in your circle!

[Amy loves Bud]

It is an issue because it can lead to rifts in the marriage and great disappoint if your spouse doesn't live up to your standards.

 

So we shouldn't have any standards?

[Abigail4476]

I disagree. My life is testament to that. We were very much in love and engaged before we saw each other in person. Physical appearance is just icing on the cake. It isn't the cake. And if the icing was less than desirable I would still crave and want the most delicious cake in the world. Love sees beyond the wrinkles, the growing waistline, the loss of hair, chronic pain, no money in the bank.... IMO, love that involves physical appearance isn't true love.

 

I would change this up a bit to read: "Love that is dependent on physical appearance isn't true love." However, physical attraction/chemistry certainly involves that which is visible and touchable--it often involves hearing, taste and smell as well. It seems silly to me to think that what a person looks like, feels like, sounds like, smells like and even tastes like has no bearing on our attraction to them. Sure, you can have a platonic relationship with someone that involves none of those things, but a marital relationship includes a s@xual component, which is essentially physical chemistry, first and foremost.

[leeannpal]

Yes. I do agree with this. I think the thing for ME is if my mate didn't care enough to keep himself up.

 

I do not think I would adore my dh if he gained 200 pounds from eating just cheetos and he stopped bathing. I don't. So there.

Then, yes, you are probably just that shallow.

[lionfamily1999]

Well, I'm twice the girl I used to be :lol: It's not really that bad, but there are days when I feel like Jabba, that's for sure. Dh has stayed miraculously slim, but he's had some changes of his own. I'm alright with change, in him, and he's alright with change, in me, but neither of us are really happy about the changes in ourselves :lol:

 

I always looked forward to dh changing. All these threads have reminded me that both of us looked forward to a future when he would be long and gaunt and I would be a short little ball o' fluff. Wrinkles, grey hair, saggy bodies and all. It was part of the charm we found in marrying, the idea of being together to see the other one fall apart and drop out of the looks race.

Yes. I do agree with this. I think the thing for ME is if my mate didn't care enough to keep himself up.

 

I do not think I would adore my dh if he gained 200 pounds from eating just cheetos and he stopped bathing. I don't. So there.

I think the bolded is pertinent here and I think this is what is being said where appearances are concerned. It's not really how our spouse looks, it is that they care enough to continue to try. If by some crazy accident your dh was left only able to eat cheetos and could no longer bathe as it would jepeordize his life, I'm guessing you would still adore him, yellow fingers, b.o. and all.

Well, my dh married a 16 year old teenager with long permed hair and a fondness for ripped jeans. I married a cute 18 year old boy with a mullet and that lanky teen boy look still about him.

We are now in our mid-thirties with adolescent children. Our appearance is NOTHING like it was 20 years ago, and I would be horrified if my dh expected it to be. I never expected or hoped that my dh would always look like he did when we married, and I would say the same is true for him.

:lol: Yeah, that would get a little embarassing. My dh was (and is) a hottie, but I'm glad he looks different and I love his grey whiskers and silver hairs. I even find some pleasure in the hilarious hairs he's got coming out of his ears and nose now. :lol:

 

I guess we can handle any change, as long as we can laugh about it.

[lionfamily1999]

Then, yes, you are probably just that shallow.

How do you figure? She wants her spouse to care enough to try, how's that shallow?

[leeannpal]

So we shouldn't have any standards?

Before marriage, yes. But after you've said "I do", no. I believe in the biblical idea of man and woman being joined together by God in marriage.