Feeling very discouraged....

[kmom]

We have a dd6 that I have homeschooled for k and will hs this year for 1st. Both dh and I are in agreement and feel strongly about hs'ing her...however...I am beginning to struggle with the decision. She is our only child due to fertility problems. We have had over 7 miscarraiges in the past few years and recently found out the reason. I am glad to know the reason however I am feeling very sad that there is nothing that can be done for the problem.

I am struggling with her being an only child( I was also...my mom most likely had same problem) and hs'ing her. I know other people hs their only children but I am just beginning to feel I guess guilty that she has no one to play when we finish school for the day. At this age we are done by lunchtime usually. We do the extra's (dance, art classes,etc)and belong to a great hs group once a week. Is this enough for her? we are the only family with an only child at our hs group...she has starting asking me why she doesn't have brothers and sisters...she understands (in a six year old way) that I have problems as she knew I lost a baby in teh second trimester last year . This summer she attended two different daycamps and she cried the first days at both....it made me feel terrible for her as the other kids were not crying. She is does fine once she has had time to warm-up in a new group/situation. Is this coming from her being with me the majority of the time and us not sending to her school? I am probably rambling:001_unsure: Just have never second guessed our decision until recently...If anyone has any thoughts or encouragement...kind of been there done that...please share with me.

Edited July 22, 2011 by kmom

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug:

 

I have two kids but ds was an only child for 5 years (because of their spacing) so I've had a child close to that age as an only. A couple of thoughts - social time doesn't have to be peers. It can be helping you fold clothes, going to the grocery store and chatting with the cashiers, helping the elderly neighbor down the street etc. One neat thing about homeschooling is learning to interact with people of all ages.

 

I wouldn't worry about the crying. Some kid's personalities are the "slow to warm up" kind. My dd is like that. With time and maturity and with being allowed to be very secure with me first, she's blossomed into a girl who is more confident.

[Rosy]

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

 

I think there is nothing wrong with homeschooling an only child. You may need to work a little harder at getting her time with other people than if she had siblings, but if she has homeschool group and classes/lessons, I personally think that is plenty.

 

One thing I might try if I was in your shoes--if you belong to a church or some other group, you might consider reaching out to the newer moms and offering to help them out. This would be something you two could do together. You could babysit for them at your house or go to their house and clean/babysit while the other mom took a nap or went grocery shopping. We have a friend we try to do this for and my kids love it! It is fun for them to be the "big kid", and it's a good opportunity for them to learn to care for someone younger.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

No advice just :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:. I have limited access to other kids, for lack of a better way to put it :001_smile: We're trying to figure out the same things.

[Karen in CO]

My youngest hasn't been able to stay at camp or ski school because she gets too sad. It is just her personality and has nothing to do with how many siblings she has. We just don't schedule those things for her yet.

 

I know several people that homeschool an only. I know it can be done but that won't help your feelings. There is also no guarantee that she will have friends if she goes to school. Each family is unique. You said that you want to homeschool, so try it this year. Don't let fear make you quit before you really start.

[Liz CA]

We raised ds (now 20) and homeschooled him in an isolated, rural area. He is very comfortable around people and had never problems making friends.

We were involved in church, 4H, and sports - not always at the same time. :001_smile:

I think a lot depends on the child. If she is an introvert, you may have to suggest a few activities and see where she feels most comfortable. Insist on at least one outside activities that involves people her age.

 

She does not need a friend around at all times. We spent many days, schooling, cleaning out chicken coops and riding horses. I don't consider solitude an evil if balanced with opportunities for interaction.

[Mommy22alyns]

 

I know several people that homeschool an only. I know it can be done but that won't help your feelings. There is also no guarantee that she will have friends if she goes to school. Each family is unique. You said that you want to homeschool, so try it this year. Don't let fear make you quit before you really start.

 

 

:iagree: I'm sorry, I can't really speak to the only situation as I have 2 close in age. We also do AHG, choir, and gymnastics, plus soccer in the spring. Right now, they feel just fine on the friend/socialization front.

[Legomom]

I have twin boys and when one of them was six years old he was the same way with AWANAS (crying). For him, he was too young to go to AWANAS because he just didn't feel comfortable. His brother continued to go and then my other son started the following year and he was fine.

 

Part of the reason that I homeschool is because I was the same way as a child. I didn't start feeling comfortable in school until I was 9 years old. I am fine socially now and both of my sons are as well. It has taken some work to find friends for them, but when they are young it really is more about a) who you (the parents) are friends with and b) what kids live close by in the neighborhood. I don't know if this is common but many of the kids in our neighborhood all go to different schools anyway.

 

I think getting to know a mom or two with kids of your daughter's age would help and also finding a long-term activity to give her time to develop relationships. AWANAS and a homeschool co-op have worked well for us. As far as after school play, it reallly has to be kids in the neighborhood many times for us just because of the convenience. Even though we have a decent number of kids in the neighborhood, my sons only have one boy that they play with on a regular basis because everyone's schedule is so busy. I think it would be the same if they went to school.

 

My husband is very confident and outgoing and he has always said (before he even knew me) that he felt that many kids really aren't ready to be away from home all day at school until around 9 years old anyway (that is just opinion -- no scientific basis for it!). We keep our options open every year regarding schooling but so far homeschooling is working for us.

[Starr]

It is not a bad thing to want your mama. :) She is just fine and only 6. The doubting yourself is just part of parenting. I'm so sorry about your babies. Enjoy your daughter, homeschool her, and don't panic. :grouphug:

[Parrothead]

I could have written your post.

 

I have an only and we move a lot. Some years/locations we have had lots of friends. Others not so much. Those years were hard - terribly so for the both of us. But we muddled through.

 

Dd does do outside activities - 3 dance classes, 1 martial arts, and a Catholic girl group similar to Scouts. So our weekday afternoons are full. We like it that way. One thing about having an only is that I can afford 1.) gas to get to and from 2.) more than one activity.

 

I would suggest trying to find her a best friend or a few best friends. Six is early enough for that. Someone who will play on the weekends and someone with whom she can play at the park.

 

Nothing wrong with crying for her mom. I say that as a mom with a child with sensory issues and extreme shyness. For dd they both are inherited. Unlike my mom I don't push too hard. I'm of the mind that when dd is comfortable she will be fine in situations that require me to be elsewhere. For years I sat in hallways and waiting rooms so she could make sure I was where I said I would be. Eventually I moved that to letting her know I would run an errand and be back before she got done. It helped that I would buys some small treat when I was at the store. I'm do not see anything wrong with a bit of bribery. ;)

 

Now at 11 dd is comfortable in most social situations. I can now drop her at the door and she will run along and do what she needs to do.

 

So you can raise a well adjusted only homeschooler it takes a bit of imagination and the willingness to advocate for your dd.

[NanceXToo]

I think what you are doing is fine and it sounds like you are making an effort to get her to outside activities.

 

If she were in public school, she still wouldn't get a whole lot of play/socialization time anyway, going by my daughter's experience. My daughter went to public school from K through most of third grade. They had to sit at their desks doing seatwork pretty much all day, they only got a 15 minute recess and my daughter frequently lost all or some of it as a punishment for talking too much in class (even in Kindergarten), and they had "silent lunches" where they weren't even allowed to talk in the lunchroom.

 

A 5 and 6 year old spending most of their time with mom (but also going out to join you on errands etc) and doing one or two outside activities a week is fine!

 

As she gets a bit older (or maybe even now) she may make friends at some of those activities, and maybe you can see if she would like for you to start arranging a few playdates for her with some of the kids she seems to like well at her outside activities/homeschool group.

 

You don't have anything to feel guilty about. :)

[Aelwydd]

One thing about having an only is that I can afford 1.) gas to get to and from 2.) more than one activity.

 

:iagree: Yop. I know you're disappointed about dd not having a sibling, but there are some benefits to having an only, like having more funds and more time to get her involved in different activities. Also, things like field trips are much easier to plan.

 

My ds is 8.5 years old, and he went to ps for k through the first half of 2nd grade, before we pulled him out to hs. He plays ice hockey, swims, and does Tae Kwon Do, as well as plays with his cousins.

[kalanamak]

I am probably rambling Just have never second guessed our decision until recently...If anyone has any thoughts or encouragement...kind of been there done that...please share with me.

 

We have an only, and hubby is a SAHD. There are many onlies on this board, too.

 

Hubby goes out of his way to be chummy with a couple of other mums, and since they have less money, he "gallantly" pays for tickets, in case money would hold them back from a trip to the zoo together.

 

We belong to the Y, and kiddo goes nearly every winter evening and has made chums there.

 

We participate in 2 homeschool gym co-ops, so kiddo has 8 hours a week during the school year.

 

Field trips to kids museums, a week of classes using a pottery wheel (a kids class), etc, and plenty of out of the house with parent time. Car shows, park visits, historical societies, the art museum, the farmer's market, the library.

 

This is how we cope. It might be more problematic as he gets older and wants more of a best chum. As to sibs, I dearly wished I'd been an only child. One brother in particular (we are close now) drove me nuts. When kiddo wishes he had a brother, I focus, as I do with any whining, on "what we do have". A few photos of kwashiorkor silences him.

 

:grouphug: A few tears on the first days of a class are okay. She is young, she'll get better at not letting her feeling overwhelm her. We all have feelings. Learning to cope with them is a huge part of growing up.

[TracyR]

Okay I'll put in my two cents even though I have four children. But they are well spaced apart so it gave me time to watch what they were all like at each stage in their life.

 

My oldest had a tough time with parting at first. I remember we started a dance class at the age of 5. She cried and refused to stay in the room. So what I did was stay in the room with her , hold her on my lap and we watched the class. It wasn't until 6 weeks later at recital time when Grandma and grandpa came to watch then all of a sudden she jumped up and wham! She was right in there like she had participated for the whole 6 weeks! LOL After that she never complained ever again. LOL

My 2nd daughter always just followed along as well as my third daughter. My 4th is going to be 5 here pretty soon (August 8th) and she is very hesitant, regardless if her sisters are with her or not in the class. But she's also had to deal with many medical problems growing up so different places, different faces take time for her to warm up to. She had a tough time with preschool for the first month. After that she was fine. When she was three she started taking gymnastic classes and I stayed and even participated with her until one day she just goes along. I still sit in the gym , far off in the back for comfort for her. But other then that she participates.

 

The key is showing them that they will be just fine and that they can do things. Even if your sitting there watching the kids and continuing to go back. I met a mom who had two children with extreme shyness. I gave her this little piece of advice. So she continued to go back each and every week and sure enough I ran into her kids ( after taking a little sabatical from gymnastics) and was shocked to see them in there , without their mom! Running and playing and interacting.

My philosophy is that as long as she's with nice people in a good enviroment, they won't be hurt. They will learn that they can so something. Let me tell you it truly gives children much confidence because they learn, wow, I conquered this, I can do anything!

 

Trust me though in time your daughter will be waving at you , saying " See ya mom." and you'll wish for this stage all over again :>)

 

As for homeschooling. My oldest has a friend ( they live out of state) that is homeschooled and she is an only child. Her mom is an older mom so there aren't going to be any future children. But she sure is a sweet girl , they do a lot and is very smart.

I agree with everyone else. Trust me. I learned this year. They aren't going to be playing with children every moment of the day in school. Most time its correcting children who are talking when they aren't supposed to be talking , or doing things they aren't supposed to be doing. Like kicking the desk, talking when they aren't supposed to , getting out of their desk etc. Even in prek I noticed this. So really your doing quite a bit.

 

Maybe see if you can find a friend from your homeschool co-op or if you belong to a church , or participate in the YMCA etc. Observe and see who she plays with the most then start making some play dates to the park or to your house etc.

[Truscifi]

I also hs an only. Ds7 is in a once a week class during the school year and sees friends at the dojo several days a week, and we try to keep up with play dates regularly. It is still hard though, especially because he is more bookish than most of his friends and as they get older they are growing apart. He wants to talk about dinosaurs and documentaries and the latest book series he is reading, and they want to talk about soccer and swim team and video games. We will just keep looking until he finds someone with similar interests, I guess. In the meantime, :grouphug: to you and your dd. I hope she is able to find a good friend or two, it seems that makes all the difference.