Can you rest at your house?

[Janie Grace]

I just realized that I very rarely feel like I can rest at my house, not in a real, deep way. This makes me sad. Home is supposed to be this place of peace and joy and safety and rest. I feel like that gets to be true for everyone except Mom.

 

It would be like my dh being able to totally relax and rest at the office, surrounded by the stacks of paper and projects that are "calling his name." Yes, I can lie on the couch and have a glass of wine and read (which I rarely do but sometimes dh insists) -- but I still KNOW that down the hall are piles of laundry, and dishes in the sink, and bathrooms that need cleaning. Even if it is TOTALLY clean (which is hardly ever) I still have the feeling that I am "at work." I rest when I am away on a getaway w/ dh or a vacation w/ the family (sort of, but there are kids to care for so not really...)

 

My bedroom is not restful. It is a color I hate but I have no time to repaint it. There are piles of things I need to file, things I might want to hang on the wall if I ever repaint them, stuff the kids leave there, dust on the surfaces b/c it is the last priority in terms of cleaning for some reason. This has always been the case. I long for a bedroom that is a retreat, but after 13 years of marriage, it hasn't happened yet.

 

Does anyone else feel this way? Or have you found a way to really REST in your house, in a deep, soul-restoring way? If so, please share your secret. I'm weary. :(

[Lolosoli]

I feel that way sometimes.

 

Is there an outdoor space that you could make all your own....a space with flowers or plants and a cute little chair with a side table?

[saraha]

This is exactly how I feel. EXACTLY. I am saving your post to show my husband when he gets home. I think it will help him understand why while everyone else is chilling and hanging out, I am restless and cannot relax. Thankyou so much for posting this.

[Janie Grace]

I feel that way sometimes.

 

Is there an outdoor space that you could make all your own....a space with flowers or plants and a cute little chair with a side table?

 

Actually, yes. My dh bought me a porch swing, which I love, and there are hanging baskets of flowers out there too. AND a side table. It's lovely. However, I have been avoiding it, and I just realized why... because right now on the porch there are also lots of spent water balloons and airsoft pellets! Hmmm, maybe I need to crack the whip on my kids and take back my one place of solace. It's also crazy hot right now, but maybe in a month or two...

[LaxMom]

Same here. I am in the throes of a massive declutter in the hope I can in the future.

[CalicoKat]

I just realized that I very rarely feel like I can rest at my house, not in a real, deep way. This makes me sad. Home is supposed to be this place of peace and joy and safety and rest. I feel like that gets to be true for everyone except Mom.

 

It would be like my dh being able to totally relax and rest at the office, surrounded by the stacks of paper and projects that are "calling his name." Yes, I can lie on the couch and have a glass of wine and read (which I rarely do but sometimes dh insists) -- but I still KNOW that down the hall are piles of laundry, and dishes in the sink, and bathrooms that need cleaning. Even if it is TOTALLY clean (which is hardly ever) I still have the feeling that I am "at work." I rest when I am away on a getaway w/ dh or a vacation w/ the family (sort of, but there are kids to care for so not really...)

 

My bedroom is not restful. It is a color I hate but I have no time to repaint it. There are piles of things I need to file, things I might want to hang on the wall if I ever repaint them, stuff the kids leave there, dust on the surfaces b/c it is the last priority in terms of cleaning for some reason. This has always been the case. I long for a bedroom that is a retreat, but after 13 years of marriage, it hasn't happened yet.

 

Does anyone else feel this way? Or have you found a way to really REST in your house, in a deep, soul-restoring way? If so, please share your secret. I'm weary. :(

I had to create a space that was (mostly) kid free and comfortable. It's my bedroom & bathroom. There's a sitting chair with end table and a TV. I can and do pull the door shut and spend time doing what I want without kid interruption from 5:30-7 p.m. It's my sanity.

 

I'll miss my room the most when we move in Sept. But I'll make my bedroom a haven there too.

 

My bedroom isn't a place the kids are encouraged to go to play or relax. They come when they're sick and need comforting but generally it's off limits. I return the respect for their bedrooms.

[twoforjoy]

I can, but really only in the bedroom unless the kids are asleep and the house is cleaned up. I can't just relax on the couch after dinner. When there's cleaning to do and the kids are up, unless they're out of sight and earshot, I can't relax. I will sometimes sneak off to the bedroom to read for a bit after dinner, though, since DH can just relax on the couch with the kids around and a big mess all over.

[KrissiK]

I just realized that I very rarely feel like I can rest at my house, not in a real, deep way. This makes me sad. Home is supposed to be this place of peace and joy and safety and rest. I feel like that gets to be true for everyone except Mom.

 

It would be like my dh being able to totally relax and rest at the office, surrounded by the stacks of paper and projects that are "calling his name." Yes, I can lie on the couch and have a glass of wine and read (which I rarely do but sometimes dh insists) -- but I still KNOW that down the hall are piles of laundry, and dishes in the sink, and bathrooms that need cleaning. Even if it is TOTALLY clean (which is hardly ever) I still have the feeling that I am "at work." I rest when I am away on a getaway w/ dh or a vacation w/ the family (sort of, but there are kids to care for so not really...)

 

My bedroom is not restful. It is a color I hate but I have no time to repaint it. There are piles of things I need to file, things I might want to hang on the wall if I ever repaint them, stuff the kids leave there, dust on the surfaces b/c it is the last priority in terms of cleaning for some reason. This has always been the case. I long for a bedroom that is a retreat, but after 13 years of marriage, it hasn't happened yet.

 

Does anyone else feel this way? Or have you found a way to really REST in your house, in a deep, soul-restoring way? If so, please share your secret. I'm weary. :(

:iagree: This is the way I am. There's always something to do. My kids totally stress me out. They are always squabbling with each other. My oldest just sucks the very life right out of me. The only place I was truly able to rest was in March DH had a business trip in Las Vegas and I went with him. I literally sat in our room at the Las Vegas Hilton in a very soft comfortable chair with a bowl of icecream and the remote control about 80% of my waking hours. And I was truly rested when I got back.:D

[AlmiraGulch]

I had to create a space that was (mostly) kid free and comfortable. It's my bedroom & bathroom. There's a sitting chair with end table and a TV. I can and do pull the door shut and spend time doing what I want without kid interruption from 5:30-7 p.m. It's my sanity.

 

I'll miss my room the most when we move in Sept. But I'll make my bedroom a haven there too.

 

My bedroom isn't a place the kids are encouraged to go to play or relax. They come when they're sick and need comforting but generally it's off limits. I return the respect for their bedrooms.

:iagree: Me, too. This exactly. And because I work there, too (I work from home and my "office" is in my bedroom) I spend a LOT of time there. I made sure that I love the color, every accessory, that the furniture is beautiful, comfortable and functional. Basically, even if the rest of the house is in disrepair, my bedroom/office is my place, and it's good. Always.

[cathmom]

This is why I didn't want a home birth. I'd rather go to a clean birth center where there is nothing reminding me of what I didn't get done before I went into labor!

 

I encourage you to do what needs to be done to make your bedroom more relaxing! It truly does make a difference!

[gardening momma]

Can you rest at your house?

Yes. I have clutter, dusty floors, laundry waiting, and I ignore it all. :D My bedroom would probably not be considered restful to some because of the clutter, but I block it out successfully.

[Janie Grace]

This is exactly how I feel. EXACTLY. I am saving your post to show my husband when he gets home. I think it will help him understand why while everyone else is chilling and hanging out, I am restless and cannot relax. Thankyou so much for posting this.

 

No, thank YOU for letting me know I'm not the only one with this issue! I really wish I could figure out a way to ignore all the waiting work and rest at home, but so far, no luck. Maybe those who are type-A, task-oriented types struggle more with this. I have a laid-back, spontaneous friend who has no problem resting, socializing, playing w/ her kids, whatever -- even when her house is messy. I wish I was more that way.

[Janie Grace]

This is why I didn't want a home birth. I'd rather go to a clean birth center where there is nothing reminding me of what I didn't get done before I went into labor!

 

I encourage you to do what needs to be done to make your bedroom more relaxing! It truly does make a difference!

 

TOTALLY (the home birth thing). I have had the exact same thought. Relaxation is so important in labor and if I see dust bunnies (which REALLY multiply when I'm 9 mos. preggo), relaxation is NOT gonna happen. :D

 

I'll try to tackle my bedroom. The rest of life just seems so crazy, but I know you're right. I need a place that feels a little like an oasis.

[ereks mom]

I just realized that I very rarely feel like I can rest at my house, not in a real, deep way. This makes me sad. Home is supposed to be this place of peace and joy and safety and rest. I feel like that gets to be true for everyone except Mom.

 

It would be like my dh being able to totally relax and rest at the office, surrounded by the stacks of paper and projects that are "calling his name." Yes, I can lie on the couch and have a glass of wine and read (which I rarely do but sometimes dh insists) -- but I still KNOW that down the hall are piles of laundry, and dishes in the sink, and bathrooms that need cleaning. Even if it is TOTALLY clean (which is hardly ever) I still have the feeling that I am "at work." I rest when I am away on a getaway w/ dh or a vacation w/ the family (sort of, but there are kids to care for so not really...)

 

My bedroom is not restful. It is a color I hate but I have no time to repaint it. There are piles of things I need to file, things I might want to hang on the wall if I ever repaint them, stuff the kids leave there, dust on the surfaces b/c it is the last priority in terms of cleaning for some reason. This has always been the case. I long for a bedroom that is a retreat, but after 13 years of marriage, it hasn't happened yet.

 

Does anyone else feel this way? Or have you found a way to really REST in your house, in a deep, soul-restoring way? If so, please share your secret. I'm weary. :(

 

YES! I completely understand, and I feel EXACTLY the same way. It's like I'm at work 24/7. The only time I can completely relax is if the house is entirely clean and the laundry is all done, and there are no lessons to prepare for/grade--which is to say, almost never. :confused: If you come up with something that works, I'm listening.

Edited July 18, 2011 by ereks mom

[KatieJ]

I do completely understand. While I was raising kids, I used to try to get the house cleaning and the errands and grocery shopping all done by Friday evening. DH worked a lot of saturdays and then I could get up Saturday am and just drink a pot of coffee, read the paper, watch PBS cooking and sewing shows til noon. It was my weekly retreat. I also have a living room that has no TV in it. Just comfy couches, music and books.

Eventually when the kiddoes are packed up and left, DH would say, let's just stay home instead of our weekly date night. I have finally convinced him that staying home and having a date is like having a date in his office. It's where I work and sometimes I just want out!

 

I do encourage you all to find some room, some nook, something that is quiet, cozy and clean and free of toys and school books and clutter. Find that spot that is restful and can help you restore you peace of mind.

I believe it saved mine. :001_smile:

[-M-]

The "always on" feeling diminished as my children grew. For most of their lives, though, I have worked from home as a writer and editor, so during the busiest years, I not only felt the pull of my parenting, teaching, and homemaking responsibilities but also the demands of my professional pursuits. Even when I met all of my obligations in one given role, I likely still had unmet obligations in another.

 

But I needed to rest. We all do.

 

So I gave myself permission to do so -- even if it meant that we ordered dinner out or made ample use of Chlorox wipes until I could deep clean the bathroom, etc. It was that or go a bit bonkers because, in truth, there is always something that can be done. The dryer stopped about twenty minutes ago. The squirrels have made their daily clutter of leaves and small limbs beneath the oak trees. My mother-in-law's birthday is next week. Both cats need a nail trim. My youngest has two ungraded assignments. One work project needs a bit more research, and the other needs to be reviewed and submitted.

 

And so it goes. Always, always, always something.

 

But about an hour ago, I finished cleaning up from a terrific home-cooked meal, vacuumed all of the rooms, and closed the assignment book on a terrific reading-thinking-learning day, so it was time to put my feet up for a while and visit the virtual living room.

 

You must give yourself permission to choose tasks that enliven your sense of self because the inability to relax has worn you thin. And if I may be so bold, I'd like to suggest that the first task that will likely enliven your sense of self is to reclaim your bedroom.

 

I don't know how I came to the idea, but from the first I thought the master bedroom was the most important room in the house. I still do. In the early months of our married life, it was the only room in our apartment that was completely furnished and decorated. Even after twenty-five years, it is still the first room I tidy in the morning, and no one may enter it -- not even the cats! -- without express permission.

 

It could take as little as a long weekend to improve your situation. Set aside one day for decluttering, another for deep-cleaning and moving everything to the center of the room, another for painting, and a fourth for arranging and decorating.

 

Reclaim your room, Janie Grace. It will only cost you four days and the price of paint. But it will most certainly enliven your sense of self.

 

And after that, you will be better prepared to begin the hard work of rewriting your interior dialogue, the self-talk that reminds you of all that remains to be done each time you think to rest. Reset your verbal cues to celebrate all that you have accomplished and to give yourself permission to breathe deeply, sit, stare, relax. Rest.

Edited July 18, 2011 by Mental multivitamin
Clarity

[Mom22ns]

Yes. I have clutter, dusty floors, laundry waiting, and I ignore it all. :D My bedroom would probably not be considered restful to some because of the clutter, but I block it out successfully.

 

:iagree:

I think for a mom to rest in her own house is her choice. You have to learn to block it out and choose to be restful. I can pick up a book or my laptop and retreat into a completely restful state. My favorite place to do that is the living room which is usually the cleanest room in the house, but I can do it in my bedroom which is ALWAYS the messiest room in the house too.

[Wheres Toto]

Nope and this has been a bit of a problem for me. My house is never quiet and there is no place to go to get away from the noise of kids, dog, husband, etc. My house is very small so there's no place to go to be alone or escape the noise. Outside might work except there's no clear, relaxing place and its so hot right now. It bothers me the most when I really want to read and I can concentrate or when I'm trying to watch something on tv and I'm interrupted every 5 seconds.

 

Then there's the cleaning that always needs to be done.

 

I'm hoping to be able to work this out in our new house.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

My resting place is the dark corner of the closet which is the only place that clean :001_rolleyes:

[Janie Grace]

You must give yourself permission to choose tasks that enliven your sense of self because the inability to relax has worn you thin. And if I may be so bold, I'd like to suggest that the first task that will likely enliven your sense of self is to reclaim your bedroom.

 

I don't know how I came to the idea, but from the first I thought the master bedroom was the most important room in the house. I still do. In the early months of our married life, it was the only room in our apartment that was completely furnished and decorated. Even after twenty-five years, it is still the first room I tidy in the morning, and no one may enter it -- not even the cats! -- without express permission.

 

It could take as little as a long weekend to improve your situation. Set aside one day for decluttering, another for deep-cleaning and moving everything to the center of the room, another for painting, and a fourth for arranging and decorating.

 

Reclaim your room, Janie Grace. It will only cost you four days and the price of paint. But it will most certainly enliven your sense of self.

 

And after that, you will be better prepared to begin the hard work of rewriting your interior dialogue, the self-talk that reminds you of all that remains to be done each time you think to rest. Reset your verbal cues to celebrate all that you have accomplished and to give yourself permission to breathe deeply, sit, stare, relax. Rest.

 

I feel like you are some kind of mind reader. I mean, my "interior dialogue" is ridiculous! But how did you KNOW? Anyway, thanks for the advice. I'm taking it to heart. I love the way you spelled out how to get from here to there in terms of a nice room. I think I can do it.