HELP-Screaming tantrums in almost 4 year old

[T'smom]

I've tried everything and I'm at my wits end. The screaming sounds like he's being murdered. Seriously. If you overheard it, you would think someone was killing him. And it just goes. on. forever. I try putting him in his room. I try leaving the room. Nothing works. And I get so angry. I'm scared someone is going to call the police because they think someone is being attacked. I'm worried about my baby because it's like listening to a horror movie soundtrack. Except so much louder. There is no distracting him, no redirecting him, nothing. It doesn't end until he exhausts himself. Tonight, he started throwing a fit because he didn't want to go to bed. Dh told him if he didn't brush his teeth, he wasn't getting any stories. He refused, Dh forced him, took him to bed and he screamed- for 45 minutes. "Read me this book." Over and over. Primal, blood-curdling screams. I don't know what to do.

[TracieT]

Both of my boys only did tantrums at 4. Once my oldest turned 5 he stopped. My youngest is 4-1/2 and is getting better, but still does it.

I have no idea where the terrible twos or threes came from...it's 4 around here.

[Joanne]

Is this new? Does he have special needs?

[DawnL]

Oh, gosh, he sounds like my 4 year old. And to make matters worse, his older brother is a sensory-seeker and, we suspect, as asperger's, and he loves to "pick" at everyone.

 

Tonight, as my BIL picked up his 2 kids, my 4 year old wanted to shout "good-bye" out the window. Big brother shut the window and 4 year old started screaming. BIL and I thought he was seriously hurt, but no. He was just upset that his brother had shut the window.

 

I wish I had some advice, but we are dealing with that here, too. I sure hope he grows out of it!

[T'smom]

No, it's not new. But it's increasing in intensity and frequency. He not special needs, if anything, he's close to gifted. He does seem to have sensitivity to sounds (that he's not making), he leaves the room when I run any loud appliance- especially the blender, and at church this week, the kids sang and he stood on the stage with his fingers in his ears. Ironic, since he is SO LOUD. Even when he is just talking, it is an 'outdoor' voice. I probably tell him to use an inside voice 1,000 times a day. He also gets very agitated when the baby cries. I have no idea if that's relevant, but I was thinking about it today.

[ChristusG]

DD7 used to do this. I think she was around 5 though. During a calm moment, I just told her "Hey, you know when you scream like that? Well, it really sounds like someone is hurting you. Someone may call the police and think that Mommy is hurting you and then Mommy could get into trouble. It's the job of the police to protect people from being hurt. Do you want that to happen? No? Then you really cannot scream like that."

 

She's very rule oriented and pretty mature in her thought process so she understood it. Of course, this didn't stop her every time from screaming, but it did help her to scream a little more quietly when she did pitch a fit LOL.

[Joanne]

No' date=' it's not new. But it's increasing in intensity and frequency. He not special needs, if anything, he's close to gifted. He does seem to have sensitivity to sounds (that he's not making), he leaves the room when I run any loud appliance- especially the blender, and at church this week, the kids sang and he stood on the stage with his fingers in his ears. Ironic, since he is SO LOUD. Even when he is just talking, it is an 'outdoor' voice. I probably tell him to use an inside voice 1,000 times a day. He also gets very agitated when the baby cries. I have no idea if that's relevant, but I was thinking about it today.[/quote']

 

Some quick feedback.

 

Special needs does not automatically mean cognitively impaired.

Does he have sensory issues in addition to sound?

How old is the baby? How does he feel about the baby?

[kathkath]

My son is a lot like that and we did find some help getting an ot evaluation. A sensory diet (when we do it lol) seems to help.

[TracieT]

No' date=' it's not new. But it's increasing in intensity and frequency. He not special needs, if anything, he's close to gifted. He does seem to have sensitivity to sounds (that he's not making), he leaves the room when I run any loud appliance- especially the blender, and at church this week, the kids sang and he stood on the stage with his fingers in his ears. Ironic, since he is SO LOUD. Even when he is just talking, it is an 'outdoor' voice. I probably tell him to use an inside voice 1,000 times a day. He also gets very agitated when the baby cries. I have no idea if that's relevant, but I was thinking about it today.[/quote']

 

That's my ds, too. He isn't fond of loud noises and hates crowds, but the child has no volume control himself! He is LOUD and talks 24/7.

[Mrs. Lilac]

I would definitely get some guidance.....maybe start with your pediatrician and see if they would recommend a sensory eval or some other kind of assistance.

 

It could be a phase....but it may not be. I'd suggest being open to either possibility.

 

The part where you say nothing will redirect him, it's so over the top you fear the police being called, and it never ends until he exhausts himself really resonate for me.

 

My DD started doing those things at 3....we tried EVERYTHING. I read a book called "Explosive Kids" that really described her behavior. But I never could find a good way to implement a solution. We spent too much time punishing her, listening to people who told us she would outgrow it, when our gut was saying, "This is NOT right, she doesn't seem able to control herself." Long story short- she's been seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner and taking medication for a few months, and she is SO much better.

 

I'm not a fan of medicating kids, and I'm not suggesting every kid who throws a tantrum has a sensory or psychological issue. BUT- I would definitely recommend getting some more info, some outside feedback, and proceeding from there. If it's sensory/psychological, you will punish them till the cows come home and it will not change. I wish I had listened to my gut instead of friends/family and intervened sooner.

[T'smom]

Yes, I know that special needs doesn't mean cognitively-impaired. But I don't believe that he is. The sound sensitivity is the only thing I've ever noticed. I've noticed when we're with other people that their kids seem to have a lot more tantrums/meltdowns/whatever- Ds doesn't have them often, but when he does- they are EPIC. DD is 10 months. He seems to like her. He often hugs her, kisses her, talks to her, etc. When she takes an extra-long nap, he asks if we can wake her up to play. Of course, he's done normal sibling stuff like snatch things out of her hands when she picks up something of his. When she cries and he gets agitated, he comes to me and says "Just nurse her, mommy, just nurse her!" He has only thrown 'normal' fits in public- not the huge intense ones that he throws at home. Which makes me think that he's not completely out-of-control. I don't know. I'm really upset right now and I want to call my mom and cry, but she's on vacation and I don't want to spoil it. My aunt spent a week with us not too long ago and said she would describe him as very strong-willed. And he didn't even have any fits while she was here. She's a kindergarten teacher, so she's seen a lot of kids.

[T'smom]

I would definitely get some guidance.....maybe start with your pediatrician and see if they would recommend a sensory eval or some other kind of assistance.

 

It could be a phase....but it may not be. I'd suggest being open to either possibility.

 

The part where you say nothing will redirect him, it's so over the top you fear the police being called, and it never ends until he exhausts himself really resonate for me.

 

My DD started doing those things at 3....we tried EVERYTHING. I read a book called "Explosive Kids" that really described her behavior. But I never could find a good way to implement a solution. We spent too much time punishing her, listening to people who told us she would outgrow it, when our gut was saying, "This is NOT right, she doesn't seem able to control herself." Long story short- she's been seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner and taking medication for a few months, and she is SO much better.

 

I'm not a fan of medicating kids, and I'm not suggesting every kid who throws a tantrum has a sensory or psychological issue. BUT- I would definitely recommend getting some more info, some outside feedback, and proceeding from there. If it's sensory/psychological, you will punish them till the cows come home and it will not change. I wish I had listened to my gut instead of friends/family and intervened sooner.

 

Thanks. I'll look at that book. It's good to not feel completely alone. He never has meltdowns in public though, and it doesn't happen often- I'd say maybe once a week- but it is becoming more frequent. It used to only be once every three weeks.

[Mrs. Lilac]

My DD's meltdowns have almost never been in public either. Which is why for so long I let myself think it was my parenting/my consistency.

 

Hers have varied in frequency....sometimes it was once a week, sometimes it was almost every day. Gradually things just got more and more explosive....she was exactly like what you said- not many meltdowns, but the ones she had were epic. She's normally an easy, delightful, easy to correct child, but as I began to phrase it, once the "switch was flipped" all bets were off. And you never know what would set her off. It was like a tantrum and a panic attack rolled into one. Things just got more intense and violent as she got older, and I became more convinced she was not able to control it, which is what finally pushed me to make sure we found the appropriate help.

[T'smom]

My DD's meltdowns have almost never been in public either. Which is why for so long I let myself think it was my parenting/my consistency.

 

Hers have varied in frequency....sometimes it was once a week, sometimes it was almost every day. Gradually things just got more and more explosive....she was exactly like what you said- not many meltdowns, but the ones she had were epic. She's normally an easy, delightful, easy to correct child, but as I began to phrase it, once the "switch was flipped" all bets were off. And you never know what would set her off. It was like a tantrum and a panic attack rolled into one. Things just got more intense and violent as she got older, and I became more convinced she was not able to control it, which is what finally pushed me to make sure we found the appropriate help.

 

This sounds very much like him- he's "almost" always easy to correct- but it is like there is a 'switch'. And it's the most ridiculous things that start it. It's usually being told he can't have/do something. Especially TV. Being told that he can't watch it..... (We don't watch a lot, but he always wants to) But Sunday, we were with grandparents and when it was time to leave, he cried and threw a 'normal' fit. How old was she when you got help?

[T'smom]

Another thing that may be relevant is that he is VERY active. Constantly running, jumping, doing headstands and somersaults. He can just GO. When we're with other families at the beach or park or whatever- other kids get tired and stop and he never does. He's just FULL of energy. I guess this could be sensory-seeking?

[Aggie]

Could he be having a reaction to a food or food additive?

[Mrs. Lilac]

Wow, your words are just hitting me so hard with the parallels....a "normal" fit....again, the same thing....our DD has "normal" kid meltdowns sometimes, and then there are the others that are in a whole other ballpark.

 

This'll be a little long, but if it helps you or someone else....

 

We started early getting help, in some ways....I just didn't stay on it. When she was 3, her pediatrician referred me to a counselor. The counselor talked to us a lot about sticker charts, appropriate consequences, how to do a time out, etc. (Which, not to sound arrogant because as parents we can all learn a lot, but we already had a fairly good handle on those techniques.) We took a video of us "attempting" a time out when DD was in one of her "epic" episodes, and upon seeing the video, she said, "Yeah, that's a little beyond typical" and referred us to a child psychiatrist. (She was 4 at the time.) He talked to us, said she likely had "intermittent rage disorder" and prescribed a medication. We were desperate enough to try it. She took it for a few weeks, and it just made her so sleepy and zombie-like....we took her off it.

 

We moved at that time to a different state, so obviously a gap of time where we were getting settled...meanwhile we just dealt the best we could. I listened too much to my parents, who insisted she would grow out of it. This was a sunny, easy child, who when having an "epic" meltdown, would throw furniture, break things, bite, scream and sob until becoming panicky, finally exhausting herself and falling asleep....which was the only way the episodes EVER ended. Another year or so went by, talked to her new pediatrician, was referred to a counselor....none of the behavioral techniques worked.

 

Long story short- things ramped up about a year ago. She is bigger and stronger, had broken bigger things, had bitten me and drawn blood....and just started doing things that were NOT right and frankly scared me....covering her ears and repeating "don't, don't don't" for no apparent reason.....overturning a table in a rage and then falling down sobbing....hauling off and punching her brother, who she adores and would never hit, full in the face. We found a psychiatric nurse practitioner with a lot of experience with kids. We're working in partnership with her and also with a psychologist. The NP primarily manages her medication (she began on an anti-anxiety drug and is now on an anti-psychotic) and the psychologist works with my daughter and I to give us suggestions for coping, managing. There may be some sensory issues also. We are working towards a definitive diagnosis.

 

I know that might sound scary.....nobody wants something to be "wrong" with their child. Words like "anti-psychotic meds" and "diagnosis" and "psychologist" are not ones parents want to have to think about. BUT....when I think about the sticker charts and spanking and raising of voices and frustration, and know that the whole time my child was suffering with something so much bigger than her and so far beyond her control, I wish I had gone with my gut and gotten help much sooner.

 

AGAIN- not saying every tantrum has a psychological/psychiatric root, or every molehill is really a mountain, but again saying, go with your gut. If your gut says, "This isn't normal," then seek help and do not stop seeking it until you're satisfied.

 

Hope this is helpful.

[Dandelion]

At age 4, my 8yo DS was very similar to how you've described your son.

 

He had the extended screaming fits, the sound sensitivity coupled with an extremely loud voice (he was incapable of whispering until a few months ago, and it's still very difficult for him), the TV fixation, and the hyperactivity (just as you described - constant running, jumping, etc.).

 

We also initially thought he was just very strong-willed, a bit hyperactive, and quirky.

 

Last year, we finally decided to seek a diagnosis for him because nothing we were trying was working. The verdict: he has Asperger Syndrome coupled with a host of sensory integration issues. The diagnosing pediatrician also noted that he's gifted, although she didn't specifically test for that.

 

Here's what has worked for us in reducing/managing the behaviors you're concerned about:

 

• Even prior to his diagnosis, we were noticing some food sensitivities (i.e. negative reactions to certain foods - increased hyperactivity, aggressiveness, resistance, etc.) so we had an IgG blood test done to determine his specific sensitivities. That test confirmed that he was sensitive/reactive to wheat (gluten), milk (casein), eggs, peanuts, soy and 7 other foods. We began removing those foods slowly in April last year, and really got serious about it in October. Not only did we remove all the foods he tested reactive to, but we also removed all artificial colors/flavors/preservatives, MSG, and HFCS at the same time. The result: he is much calmer now, the aggression is mostly gone, slower to get upset and much easier to redirect. If he starts to whine (which is his "pre-cursor" to getting really worked up) I just tell him "Please speak to me in a normal tone of voice" and he is generally able to immediately correct himself - and we avoid anything further. He very rarely has those screaming fits now - he might still get really upset about something and scream for a minute, but it's a tremendous improvement over where we were this time last year. Some of it might be due to an increase in maturity, but the improvements came within a few weeks of completely removing the offending foods - kids likely don't mature that fast. ;)
  
• In parallel to focusing on DS's diet, we've also put him on a "gut-healing" program consisting of various supplements (after researching the connection between food sensitivities and a condition called "leaky gut"). It's way too much to go into here, but here's a good summary: http://www.enzymestuff.com/conditionleakygut.htm His supplement program has provided further noticeable improvements in mood and behavior. He's just a much happier, much calmer, much easier child now.
  
• From a parenting standpoint, many of the traditional parenting approaches haven't worked very well for us. The one approach that has consistently worked with DS is the approach outlined in the book "Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries" (http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-Child/dp/0761521364/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1308804535&sr=8-1). I highly recommend this book.
  

Regardless of whether you decide to seek a diagnosis for your son, I do encourage you to look into food sensitivities. Removing reactive foods has made a world of difference for us, and for many other families we know.

 

Hope tomorrow is a better day! :grouphug:

[LittleIzumi]

Could he be having a reaction to a food or food additive?

:iagree::iagree: On red dye 40, dd (who has some sensory issues) would rage, scream, bite, slam her head into things, or sob, until she passed out. If she doesn't have red dye she is a different child.

[cat]

I would ignore his undesirable behavior... i know that is hard..... and I would strongly praise and reward all his good behavior. i remember that age, easier said then done.....what i do remember is i was so upset about the undesired behavior that when my kids showed good behavior i didn't praise it, because i was so exhausted.....

[staceyobu]

Well, your night sounds a lot like mine. From losing bedtime stories to me saying "if you scream like that, someone will call the police", it all sounds the same.

 

DS is sweet and easy going, but if he flips out, he just can't rebound the way the girls do. However, in the last several months, I have seen a dramatic decrease in the fit throwing. Tonight was the first in a really long time (and may have been partly do to me not getting him to bed on time).

 

So, I'm going to hope it's a phase for both of our kids!

[PhotoGal]

We went through a rough patch when ds was around 3 1/2 or 4. We actually took his door off the hinges and put it in the garage so he couldn't slam it anymore. My dh developed an ulcer from the stress. It was bad. He also is gifted and didn't have tantrums in public, but had loooong drawn out ones at home.

 

What saved us was this book:

 

The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child

 

 

It is basically a behavioral technique (getting points right away for desired behavior - in ds's case "staying calm"). It includes a lot of practice and immediate prizes. Though I don't usually do incentives or anything, it really saved us until he matured a little and was able to stay calm due to the practice. For example, we would pretend we were playing a board game and ds lost. Before he could get upset (not as difficult, since it was pretend), we would praise him for staying calm and give him a prize. This helped solidify the good feelings / rewards of staying calm and made it easier later on in the real situation.

 

It is not something for the long term, but it works quickly and helps get over the hump of extreme behavior. It also changes you from the "bad guy" (enforcing consequences for hitting, etc.) to the "good guy" of giving out prizes. We only had to do the prizes for a few weeks and then we gradually phased them out. This program really saved our family. I really should have given a copy to our pediatrician (who is usually kind and sweet but when we told him of the issues recommended that if ds doesn't stay in time out, we should lock him in his room! I don't think that would have helped the kid learn to calm down...).

 

Anyway, I highly recommend giving it a try. Best of luck to you! I know it is really stressful. Ds is now a really sweet kid who rarely gets upset (not due to this program, but just maturing). Things will get better!

[tex-mex]

No' date=' it's not new. But it's increasing in intensity and frequency. He not special needs, if anything, he's close to gifted. He does seem to have sensitivity to sounds (that he's not making), he leaves the room when I run any loud appliance- especially the blender, and at church this week, the kids sang and he stood on the stage with his fingers in his ears. Ironic, since he is SO LOUD. Even when he is just talking, it is an 'outdoor' voice. I probably tell him to use an inside voice 1,000 times a day. He also gets very agitated when the baby cries. I have no idea if that's relevant, but I was thinking about it today.[/quote']

This may have been said already... but it sounds like classic Asperger's Syndrome or PDD-NOS. And what you described is a meltdown that occurs with some in that demographic. I would get him evaluated.

[Geo]

Is this new? Does he have special needs?

 

The only child of mine who tantrumed like that is SN. We didn't know that for years. I so wish we had. Start observing when these take place. Like, transitioning from one thing to another? Low frustration tolerance? Change of plans? Seemingly no reason at all? Observe, take note. It's important to understand the circumstances, or lack thereof, that triggers the behavior. If you notice a pattern, talk to your pediatrician. It could be Sensoring Processing Disorder and/or something else. Btw, "special needs" doesn't mean they can't be gifted. Many are. That's what tripped me up for years.

 

((Hugs))

Edited June 23, 2011 by Geo

[Grover]

My sweet boy does the same thing, but 45 minutes would be a short one for him. His record is a little over eight hours. The only 'label' he has is profoundly gifted. We've just had to ride it out and now at a little over 4.5 we have more good days than bad... but on the bad days it sounds like someone is being murdered here. The best solutions we have found are repeatedly telling him that he is not going to make 'X' our problem and consistently starving the behaviour of all attention while ensuring that there are consequences every single time he does it. It happens much less often when we ensure the brain is being fed appropriately too. It's not much fun sometimes though... good luck with it.

[Joyofsixreboot]

This may have been said already... but it sounds like classic Asperger's Syndrome or PDD-NOS. And what you described is a meltdown that occurs with some in that demographic. I would get him evaluated.

 

Epic and frightening here. Get it checked.

[Catherine]

In all three of my kids, four was hands down the most difficult age. One of them had the kind of intense tantrums you describe, and I'd describe him (when small) as having a low tolerance for frustration. He has always had a tendency to be a very sunny, optimistic, sweet-tempered child, but when he's angry or frustrated, he can really, really fall apart emotionally. Now, at 14, when that happens, he just withdraws. He won't make eye contact, goes to be alone until he can cope with his feelings. He hasn't really lost control of himself, emotionally, for about 2 years. As he grew past age four, "losing control" most often took the form of an hour or two of abject misery-crying, sobbing, intense anger and accusations (if he was asked to talk). He's most definitely a person who needs to cope with his feelings alone, before he can discuss them rationally.

 

But nothing you describe makes me think your boy is anything but perfectly normal, but kind of intense. And bright.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

As much as the tantrums stink, it sounds like he's getting a bit of attention for them.

 

I personally would never take bedtime story away. If my ds has had a bad day, I may not read his favorite book, but I'll still read. I *try* to keep things as consistent as possible. If he doesn't want to brush, I sit in the bathroom until he's ready (really only happens on really bad days).

 

The first thing I think of with hyper kids is poor sleep. Could be as simple as sleep hygiene, to as complex as my ds or worse. If they do not sleep well, they are hyper, cranky, and hard to put to bed the next night. Looking in on a kid who is asleep doesn't mean they're sleep well. I didn't know how bad my ds was until 2 sleep studies; his brain wakes 90+ times per night, he doesn't hit REM sleep long enough or often enough, and it takes hours, not the average 90 minutes, for him to switch sleep cycles.

 

He could be gifted and have sensory problems, or even asperger's.

[Wheres Toto]

My dd is like this and will be 4 in a month. She just loses it over completely unpredictable things - she screamed for 45 minutes once because she wanted to be a boy. 3 to 4 has definitely been worse than the 2's.

 

I did discuss it with her pediatrician but it mainly seems to be that she is very strong-willed, dramatic and stubborn, along with trying to get attention from her brother. We are still struggling with using the potty, pretty much for the same reasons.

 

I really do hope it is just a phase and will be over soon.

[JFSinIL]

When one of my kids was having "rage attacks" at age 2 the only thing that would stop one was having cold water splashed in her face. Not a fun time. She actually ended up for a couple years on Depakote (or Depakene - the syrup version) as a mood stabilizer. The pediatric neurologist (whom we were already seeing for SillyAutismBoy and another kid's migraines) said she might be bi-polar as a teen.... and while we NEVER told her this, just last week, at 17 (time flies) she asked me if she could see a doctor to see if she was bi-polar as her friends had been asking her if she was.

 

Anyway - try the cold water next time he can't stop (key word is can't - the cold splash helps break the screaming rut a kid may get in) and think about getting him assessed by a professional if this screaming events do seem totally not within the normal range of kid behavior. He may be helped by medication for a time.

[T'smom]

I'm really thinking about all of these responses. I looked up a list of asperger's symptoms and the sound sensitivity is the only thing he has. I would say that he has an advanced ability to read social cues. I can't hide anything from him- if I mutter under my breath at another driver. He's all over it "what are you doing, mom? Why are you saying that, mom? What did that blue car do, mom?" When all I did was mutter 'stupid jerk' under my breath in a voice he should not have been able to hear in the backseat! He doesn't appear to lack empathy- he often seems to feel sorry for kids that get hurt at the playground. I would also say that his motor development is advanced. He can do all the things like skipping, galloping, balance beam, forward rolls and even headstands against a wall. He can catch/throw really well and has been able to from a really young age. He does talk a LOT, is very interested in fish- can tell you all kinds of things about them. But for all his overly-energetic self, he can also sit and color for an hour at a time.

There are people on my side of the family that have been diagnosed as bi-polar. I hope this isn't an early sign of that.

One PP said that she would sit in the bathroom and wait until he was ready to brush his teeth. If we did that, we would literally sit in the bathroom for an hour. We don't have that kind of time to waste. He needs to go to bed.

[torikei]

Try eliminating artificial dyes from his diet. It isn't easy. There is dye in everything- pickles, marshmallows, crackers, mac and cheese, etc. The list goes on and on. We've had amazing results from eliminating dyes from two of our children.

 

Tori

[TracieT]

I'm really thinking about all of these responses. I looked up a list of asperger's symptoms and the sound sensitivity is the only thing he has. I would say that he has an advanced ability to read social cues. I can't hide anything from him- if I mutter under my breath at another driver. He's all over it "what are you doing' date=' mom? Why are you saying that, mom? What did that blue car do, mom?" When all I did was mutter 'stupid jerk' under my breath in a voice he should not have been able to hear in the backseat! He doesn't appear to lack empathy- he often seems to feel sorry for kids that get hurt at the playground. I would also say that his motor development is advanced. He can do all the things like skipping, galloping, balance beam, forward rolls and even headstands against a wall. He can catch/throw really well and has been able to from a really young age. He does talk a LOT, is very interested in fish- can tell you all kinds of things about them. But for all his overly-energetic self, he can also sit and color for an hour at a time.

There are people on my side of the family that have been diagnosed as bi-polar. I hope this isn't an early sign of that.

One PP said that she would sit in the bathroom and wait until he was ready to brush his teeth. If we did that, we would literally sit in the bathroom for an hour. We don't have that kind of time to waste. He needs to go to bed.[/quote']

 

Yep, that's my ds, too. I wrote on the first page about 4 being the hardest age for my kids. My 4 year old is just what you're saying....very smart, very empathetic, very in tune to people's emotions. He's also really good at telling stories. :) He will ask a "why" question, I'll answer and every time he says "Well maybe..." and comes up with his own scenario.

But yes, VERY strong willed and I think that just comes with the right combination of personality and smarts.

He does, however, react to dyes. He can control himself when he's not eating dyes, but one slip up and he really loses all control over himself. Mostly in his volume control and being super hyper (can't sit still, can't stop talking, can't stop making noises). He throws up from red dye, but all colors affect his behavior. I've heard dye will even make some kids wet themselves.

 

My five year old doesn't have the dye issues, but still did the fits at 4. His were probably worse than my 4 year old now. They did stop, though.

[Dobela]

Yes' date=' I know that special needs doesn't mean cognitively-impaired. But I don't believe that he is. The sound sensitivity is the only thing I've ever noticed. I've noticed when we're with other people that their kids seem to have a lot more tantrums/meltdowns/whatever- Ds doesn't have them often, but when he does- they are EPIC. DD is 10 months. He seems to like her. He often hugs her, kisses her, talks to her, etc. When she takes an extra-long nap, he asks if we can wake her up to play. Of course, he's done normal sibling stuff like snatch things out of her hands when she picks up something of his. When she cries and he gets agitated, he comes to me and says "Just nurse her, mommy, just nurse her!" He has only thrown 'normal' fits in public- not the huge intense ones that he throws at home. Which makes me think that he's not completely out-of-control. I don't know. I'm really upset right now and I want to call my mom and cry, but she's on vacation and I don't want to spoil it. My aunt spent a week with us not too long ago and said she would describe him as very strong-willed. And he didn't even have any fits while she was here. She's a kindergarten teacher, so she's seen a lot of kids.[/quote']

I think a couple of things are happening here. Some of his behavior is age appropriate, although not fun. 3 to 4yo was harder for both of my kids than any other age. We called it the Horrible Threes. And I have heard other parents say the same. It is at this age that kids learn how to use their behaviors to get what they want. Instead of crying because they didn't what they wanted, they now practice getting attention and controlling the situation by having that tantrum. They also realize they can say no to more things.

 

The covering his ears is a sensory issue, sometimes. My dd's OT said that age 3 it can be a sign of sensory problems, or not. It is just another way typical 3yr old experiment with controlling their environment.

 

That being said my son always covered his ears and would occassionally have meltdowns. His meltdowns were pretty predictable and almost always connected to sensory input. And they happened in public, not just at home. WalMart would always put him over the edge with all the harsh lights, the different music in every department, and so on. Before the meltdown we would always notice his becoming very hyper and increasingly disobedient. It was like a downward spiral. Once we left WalMart, if we took the time to sooth him a bit, the meltdown would stop and he would settle back to his normal self. Also, with the sound sensitivity and meltdowns, unless we limited the time in the situation, one always led to the other. There also was not a "switch" that turned it off or on. Once he was overloaded sensory wise, we had to leave the situation and provide quiet time for him to calm down and recover.

 

My dd4 has had meltdowns for other reasons. One, she loves drama. We predict an academy award in her future :lol: Two, her biggest tantrums however have some when she has not had the opportunity to have a say or when she was not able to express herself verbally. Or when we simply disagreed with her. For someone to shut a window and not ask or warn her was a huge offense. She at least wanted the courtesy of a warning of, "Ok, time to close the window". If she isn't consulted for those decisions she turns into a monster. And it is like flipping a switch. It has gotten better as she has learned to verbalize her emotions and responses. Some of it is maturity, some of it is our spending lots of time with her talking and modeling better responses. ON the flip side, dd is also the one that goes overboard with the happy, sugary sweet responses as well. It isn't just 'please' it is 'Mommy, you are my favorite mommy and now can I have those chocolates?" while hugging and hugging me with lots of kisses.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[cougarmom4]

Oh my. It's hard, isn't it?!? I'm right there with you...:grouphug: All of my kids tend to be on the intense side, but my oldest is the one that we struggle with the most. He is now 13...and we still have issues. I also often wondered at what point we needed to seek for help. I've read so many parenting books searching for the answers...the magic bullet that will help bring peace to our family! And now our dd3 is starting to act just like he did at that age...it's exhausting!

 

Two suggestions--first, I do think that the giftedness is related. In my research I discovered SENG--Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted...and it validated so much of what I was experiencing. Check out this website--( www.sengifted.org )--there are many articles that may be helpful to read.

 

Secondly, another resource that helped me immensely--Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka ( http://www.parentchildhelp.com/SpiritedChild/tabid/59/Default.aspx ).

 

Hang in there!

[fhjmom]

I have nit read through all the responses, but did see your reply about him being especially sensitive to certain noises.

 

Have you considered having him evaluated by a pediatric audiologist?

 

I say this b/c DD was diagnosed with her hearing loss at age 4. All of her "symptoms" were completely behavioral, just like you are describing, no language delays at all. She has high frequency loss, so the sounds she can hear low frequencies, like the vacuum cleaner, seemed *very* loud to her. Also, she had huge melt-downs at home with me all.the.time. My theory is that it was b/c home/mom was the "safe place" to let it out. It took so much energy for her to navigate her world away from home that when she was with me, she just fell apart. Oh, and NO ONE but me thought she had any hearing loss what so ever because she was so good at holding it together and following along. Also, since so much of her world felt out of her control, those things she did have "control" over, she held on to for dear life - she needed control of *something*. I would definitely call both my girls very strong willed but I also understand where it comes from and I do think it is as least partly tied to their way of handling their hearing loss.

 

It may be another sensory thing as well, which I think an evaluation might help with as well. It wouldn't hurt to get a hearing test and could certainly help rule something out.

[PhotoGal]

I wanted to add another thing to look out for: low blood sugar. I know if ds hasn't eaten for awhile, he gets upset more easily and emotions are closer to the surface. This is true for me as well, actually. And then it is hard to get him to eat because he is too upset, but he really needs to get his blood sugar up (so it becomes a vicious cycle in that way). We haven't had issues with this for awhile, but I know when he was younger and running around more I had to make a point to offer snacks frequently (usually something that included some protein).

 

I also wanted to add that my dd has always had a loud speaking voice (and "outside" voice all the time) and she finally adjusted around age 5. I was always reminding her to use her "regular" voice (even though her loud voice really was her regular voice! LOL) or reminding her that my ears were close to her mouth and I could hear her! It just took her awhile to learn to regulate her volume level.

[sunshine_librarian]

We have found three to be very hard around here as well. My ds3 is very sensitive to loud noises, but both he and dd5 had trouble with meltdowns at this age. We found that working with them on focusing and breathing, especially before we ourselves lost our cool, really helped. We try to make eye contact and get them to breathe, to be able to come out of a fit. Then we started working with them on being able to refocus themselves when they got frustrated or something didn't go their way. We encouraged them to take a few minutes alone in their room if they needed it - and we allowed them to have that time alone so they could express their frustration before they rejoined the family (i.e. we didn't follow them in or try to correct them during that time)...I need to emphasize that this is all very gradual, but it seems to work for our kids that do not have any diagnosed special needs.

[LizzyBee]

We didn't have our middle dd evaluated or pursue sensory therapy for her because the SPD diagnosis didn't seem to quite fit. We didn't see issues other than sound, but her sensitivity to sound was extreme. As it turned out, there is more going on with her sensory avoidance than sound, but we just weren't seeing it because we didn't know all the things to look for. I wish we'd done OT for her when she was younger. She finally did have OT at 13/14 yo, but it's usefulness is more limited at that age. I would encourage you to have an SPD eval.