ciyates Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 DS is 15 1/2 and rapidly becoming a man (or maybe he is already and I don't want to admit it :D ). He will be going to driver's ed soon and he has a girlfriend (I can actually type that now without getting queasy). How do you let them grow up and make some of their own decisions? I am more than willing to admit I have control issues. I don't want this to hurt my relationship with my DS. I truly wish I was a go with the flow kind of parent but I am not. I like having my plan. I have been honest with him so far and let him know how hard I am trying to accept that he has a girlfriend. I know the girlfriend is just the beginning. Don't beat me up about it to much. Tough love is okay but right now I am now I am sensitive about it. I really do want to learn to trust him and accept that I can't control what he does, that he will have more and more free time without supervision. For what it is worth DS has made some poor decisions in the past. He isn't as mature as I would like and I see so much of myself in him at that age. If my parents had not had a tight control on me I would have gone down a path that I am so glad I didn't. He, however, isn't as compliant as I was and will rebel if I tighten things up to much. Also we have a more open with him and he tells us a lot of things that I would have never told my parents. I don't want to project to much of myself on to him. I want to see him for who he is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 One finger at a time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkInTheBlue Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Did you write this for me?? I'm sorry I can't offer you answers and/or advice. I can listen to what I hope you hear and offer the support of nearly identical sympathy. :) I really hope you hear from many been there/done that experiences. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 One finger at a time. :lol: My .02: my sister started having s*% by having a steady boyfriend at 15. My first reaction is that it's too young, but feel free to ignore me. Dh says I'm being unreasonable. Me?! I think group dating, okay. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Close your eyes and let them go. I've found that as I've allowed them freedom when they were younger, it's paid off now that my oldest are 20 and 18. They learned how to make wise decisions by making dumb ones when I still DID have control over them. They are both very independent and sensible now. *whew* :lol: It's not easy, but I think it's important to allow them the freedom to grow up and live their own lives without Mommy hovering over their shoulder. I think it also ensures that they will not run clear across the country when they finally are of legal age to do so. :auto: I try to parent with the knowledge that my children will only be "children" for 18 short years and that I will spend most of their lives with them as adults. I want to have a good relationship with them, their spouses and my grandkids someday. So, parent with those grandbabies in mind. Lots of babies to for you to cuddle and spoil in the future if you can have a positive relationship with mutual respect and guidance....but NOT smothering....now. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Wow. We could be sisters. Control issues. 15 1/2 year old sons. First girlfriends (although I'm having a harder time typing that than you do). And I'm having a really hard time with it too!!! So far, ds has been out on group dates. Karate classes, bowling, dinners, etc. But, he and a particular girl are close. Ugh. Really? Can't he stay little longer???? Same issues here. He's acting stupid sometimes. How can I trust him to have a girlfriend (ugh, there's the stomachache again) if he makes stupid decisions at home?????? Ack. Ugh. So far, so good here. He only goes out with her with other friends. Or, they come to our house. We're close with her family, so we're all on the same page, which helps. But, letting go is REALLY hard!!! We're VERY open about everything here. Dating. Sex. Periods. Etc. EVERYTHING!! So, I've talked with ds a lot about dating. I just pray it sinks in . . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 One finger at a time. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 You do it a little at a time. Our 19yo is really on his own now (though we love having him home for visits!). Our 17yo is almost there - with her senior year in high school starting in the fall, she is planning her own classes, has a job, figuring out the college stuff. The 15yo is still pretty limited in what he can do independently since he doesn't drive, so he still has to coordinate his activities around our schedule. Our technique so far has been to start out fairly strict and let them take over more and more on their own as they show the responsibility is there. Just a little bit at a time, you let go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) Close your eyes and let them go. I've found that as I've allowed them freedom when they were younger, it's paid off now that my oldest are 20 and 18. They learned how to make wise decisions by making dumb ones when I still DID have control over them. They are both very independent and sensible now. *whew* :lol: It's not easy, but I think it's important to allow them the freedom to grow up and live their own lives without Mommy hovering over their shoulder. I think it also ensures that they will not run clear across the country when they finally are of legal age to do so. :auto: I try to parent with the knowledge that my children will only be "children" for 18 short years and that I will spend most of their lives with them as adults. I want to have a good relationship with them, their spouses and my grandkids someday. So, parent with those grandbabies in mind. Lots of babies to for you to cuddle and spoil in the future if you can have a positive relationship with mutual respect and guidance....but NOT smothering....now. Good luck! :iagree::iagree::iagree: Think about it this way, in two to three years he may be on his own at college. Do you want him learning the hard way when he gets there? Edited June 20, 2011 by justamouse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I can't read threads like this! My oldest is only 7, but these 7 years have flown by so quickly. I can only imagine that the next 7 may go even faster. Even now, it scares me to think about letting go! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueTx Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I agree with a lot of others - you do it gradually. dd is 17 this summer and now plays ultimate frisbee 3 times a week at a nearby park with 40 or so other homeschoolers. When she first went, I sat in the bleachers. A few weeks later, I just sat in the car. Then I took her and dropped her off. Now she drives herself and takes her 13 yo brother. She only sees the boy she likes in group settings. They did go to the homeschool prom together, but it was a chaperoned event and another girl rode with them in the vehicle. The more she shows how responsible and sensible she is, the more she is allowed to do. Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I wondered this too when my oldest was that age and I have discovered that God gives you the grace to handle it when you need it. During each stage of life, you will leave something behind, but you will also welcome something new. You learn to accept this as you go along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Running the race Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I wondered this too when my oldest was that age and I have discovered that God gives you the grace to handle it when you need it. During each stage of life, you will leave something behind, but you will also welcome something new. You learn to accept this as you go along. I needed to hear this. Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 You just do. You have to, or you will make everybody miserable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I truly know that I am not an example to hold up to anyone out there... But, I offer this... Learn to not react. Really. Accept that your child/children will make some decisions that will greatly disappoint you. Then, when the time comes, don't freak out. (This applies to really disappointing situations... it does not mean that I allowed them to walk all over me or disrespect me) My grown children each appreciate this about me a lot. They look back now and realize what they were doing and that I always had the same rules and the same convictions and desires... but, I didn't freak out when they made contrary choices. It kept them coming back to me. I have said many times, "You know this is what I believe... you know that I raised you with the hope that you would follow these beliefs, too... I really want you to make good choices for your future... and in any event, I will love you no matter what and be here for you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrogMom5 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I'm going through this now. Tonight we dropped my 15 yr. old off for his 2nd week as a camp counselor. He is over an hour away. We only see him from noon on Sat. to 11:30 on Sun. Last week I was fine. This week I'm fighting back tears. But, not in front of him. I keep reminding myself that he needs this learning experience. He needs to make mistakes, fall down and learn to get back up again. He's doing this in a safe environment. He's learning, building experience and having fun. If I focus on that, I'll make it through the summer. My son will come back a little bit more grown-up. In the end, that's the goal (I say w/ a lump in my throat). Stand back and let him fall sometimes. You're there if he needs you. Focus on how this helps him and cry sometimes if you need to-just not in front of him. Denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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