Do your kids finish things on a regular basis?

[LauraGB]

I'm always finishing things for them. Always. And it's not because I haven't spent the last 12 years sending them back to finish, because I have. I've endured the arguments of "I did!" followed by the proof that they didn't, followed by walking them through the steps to complete it. For 12 years. Daily. But guess what? It hasn't worked.

 

They have never folded a basket of laundry without leaving things in the basket, or leaving those things on the surface on which they folded without being told to empty the basket and put the clothes away. They have never cleaned out the litter box without being told to sweep the litter off the floor. They have never cleaned their room to the point there was nothing on the floor (just the other day dd complained she "did it!" but there were about 5 balled up dirty socks, scraps of paper everywhere and a garbage bag lying in the middle of the floor!). Ds has never brushed his teeth and put the cap back on the toothpaste. They have never emptied the dishwasher without leaving at least one clean item in the dishwasher. They have never made breakfast and closed the cupboard doors or silverware drawer; every morning I get up and walk to the kitchen for coffee, close three cupboard doors, close the silverware drawer and wipe the counter...just so I can get to the coffee pot. And yes, I do tell them when I see it hasn't been done. And yes, I do make them finish it. But even the finishing part isn't quite complete when they are done.

 

I've found they are like this with everything they start. Everything. Take a shower, leave clothes and towels on the floor. Clean the bathroom, don't get the sink. Make a project, leave half of the stuff on the work surface. And claim "I did it!".

 

I'm at a loss. Am I producing kids who will be adults who won't finish anything? I think so. But all the redirection, complaining, arm waving and such, discussing...all of it has produced no result. Is it a personality thing and I should just let it go, dedicating the rest of my life to finishing what others start? I don't want to do that. What is the psychology behind this sort of thing?

 

Do your kids do this? If not, please, for the love of pete, tell me your secret!!

Edited June 15, 2011 by LauraGB

[fairfarmhand]

my kids are the same way.

 

I am always sending them back in to pick up towels, dirty clothes, put the cleaning stuff where it belongs...whatever.

 

I did start buying flip top toothpastes. At least then the cap doesn't get lost.

[TammyinTN]

I think it's all in the training. We went through a period when they didn't finish things, but my job is to make sure they learned to do what I ask. I had to follow up. Checkout everything you ask them to do...make sure they do it. We didn't move on to the next thing until that one was finished and mom checked.

[Tree House Academy]

yes. And it is amazingly frustrating!

[ProudGrandma]

this is so timely....I was just thinking about starting a thread on this very topic....it seems like am forever having my kids go back and finish what they started...or worse yet, to go back and start what they were to start, but never did. UGH!!! I feel your frustration and if anybody has words of wisdom, I am all ears!!!!!!!!

[LittleIzumi]

Any chance they are ADD? That is classic at my house & we are very much an ADD household.

[Mynyel]

I'm always finishing things for them. Always. And it's not because I haven't spent the last 12 years sending them back to finish, because I have. I've endured the arguments of "I did!" followed by the proof that they didn't, followed by walking them through the steps to complete it. For 12 years. Daily. But guess what? It hasn't worked.

 

They have never folded a basket of laundry without leaving things in the basket, or leaving those things on the surface on which they folded without being told to empty the basket and put the clothes away. They have never cleaned out the litter box without being told to sweep the litter off the floor. They have never cleaned their room to the point there was nothing on the floor (just the other day dd complained she "did it!" but there were about 5 balled up dirty socks, scraps of paper everywhere and a garbage bag lying in the middle of the floor!). Ds has never brushed his teeth and put the cap back on the toothpaste. They have never emptied the dishwasher without leaving at least one clean item in the dishwasher. They have never made breakfast and closed the cupboard doors or silverware drawer; every morning I get up and walk to the kitchen for coffee, close three cupboard doors, close the silverware drawer and wipe the counter...just so I can get to the coffee pot. And yes, I do tell them when I see it hasn't been done. And yes, I do make them finish it. But even the finishing part isn't quite complete when they are done.

 

I've found they are like this with everything they start. Everything. Take a shower, leave clothes and towels on the floor. Clean the bathroom, don't get the sink. Make a project, leave half of the stuff on the work surface. And claim "I did it!".

 

I'm at a loss. Am I producing kids who will be adults who won't finish anything? I think so. But all the redirection, complaining, arm waving and such, discussing...all of it has produced no result. Is it a personality thing and I should just let it go, dedicating the rest of my life to finishing what others start? I don't want to do that. What is the psychology behind this sort of thing?

 

Do your kids do this? If not, please, for the love of pete, tell me your secret!!

 

 

You sure your not describing mine?

 

Even my dd who is 13 will leave things out. She leaves the cream cheese out after give the dog his meds. She leaves the dressing out after fixing a salad. Just this morning I found her nightgown on the floor in the bathroom after she changed clothes. Ds9 is almost as bad.

 

I think truly it is because the don't "see" it. Honestly. They have tons on their minds, albeit majorly different than an adult but yet works in the same fashion. Where we see the details they only see the big picture.

 

Now to try and remedy that. I have told the kids to get on their hands and knees and crawl around on the floor and tell me if it is clean :) We call it "Vacuum Ready". If it can't be vacuumed it can't be on the floor. I used to have a bad problem with them not flushing the toilet. So across from the toilet and under the light switch I put laminated signs saying "Did you flush the toilet?" I don't have that problem any more and the signs are down. Try that for the cupboards. Put a sign on the fridge door or on the wall, anywhere where it can and will be noticed. Or if you want to really drive it home, make them open and shut the cupboard doors X amount of times every time they forget to close them. Bet they remember real quick. Do it for the drawers and toothpaste lid too!

 

For the clothes, start collecting the ones that they leave that are theirs, put them in a bag and just keep collecting. Eventually you will have a nice large, full bag and they will have no clothes. That might change their minds too. Make them do a weeks worth of dishes *by hand* if they leave clean ones in the dishwasher. If they don't get them clean when they wash them by hand they will need to rewash all of them.

 

It is time consuming and tedious but it would work for my kids! :)

[mcconnellboys]

I thought this was just a guy thing, LOL! Yes, I still have to follow-up and constantly remind them to finish, but I continue to do that in the hopes that one day it will sink in.... Since my husband is the world's worst about leaving every.single.drawer. or cabinet door upen a half inch or less, I was also beginning to think its some sort of hereditary thing, but maybe not....

[AK_Mom4]

Yes. Yes we do.

 

It does improve as they get older. Really it does. It helps that I don't pick up after them except on special occasions and I send them back to finish what they left undone. Shoes are the worst right now because the puppies confiscate any and all shoes left unattended. So I keep finding shoes in odd places where the kids dropped them to keep them away from the pups. We can work around that for now, though.

[LauraGB]

I used to have a bad problem with them not flushing the toilet. So across from the toilet and under the light switch I put laminated signs saying "Did you flush the toilet?" I don't have that problem any more and the signs are down. Try that for the cupboards. Put a sign on the fridge door or on the wall, anywhere where it can and will be noticed. Or if you want to really drive it home, make them open and shut the cupboard doors X amount of times every time they forget to close them. Bet they remember real quick. Do it for the drawers and toothpaste lid too!

 

For the clothes, start collecting the ones that they leave that are theirs, put them in a bag and just keep collecting. Eventually you will have a nice large, full bag and they will have no clothes. That might change their minds too. Make them do a weeks worth of dishes *by hand* if they leave clean ones in the dishwasher. If they don't get them clean when they wash them by hand they will need to rewash all of them.

 

It is time consuming and tedious but it would work for my kids! :)

 

A long time ago I tried the signs - they just got used to seeing them there and ignored them! Maybe I should try again; use something neon with some attention getting other colors and then change it out a few times a week. Or tape it right inside the doors rather than on them. Hmmm...

 

I like the clothes in the bag idea. I did that with dh many moons ago when I discovered that his mother must have picked up his clothes for him and he never learned the art. It took MONTHS for him to notice he was down to only enough clothes for a few days. :lol: Yes, I do like it. I think I will try it with the kids starting today!

[LauraGB]

Since my husband is the world's worst about leaving every.single.drawer. or cabinet door upen a half inch or less, I was also beginning to think its some sort of hereditary thing, but maybe not....

 

It still might be! Dh has a serious problem with this, too. And it's just that little tiny bit - almost closed, but nope, not quite :glare:. Lights are an issue, too. Seems no one understands the switch also flips down.

 

 

 

I'm thinking of sending a literal message. When the kids want to go somewhere, I'll go out, start the car, back it up, then turn it off and tell them I started it and that should be good enough. Or, I'll start making dinner...then go lie down to take a nap. Or, I'll start a load of laundry and leave it sit there to mold for days. Or...:tongue_smilie:

[Dawn in OH]

Mine can't finish anything either. Even when there's a chart posted to help them not miss a step.

[LittleIzumi]

A long time ago I tried the signs - they just got used to seeing them there and ignored them! Maybe I should try again; use something neon with some attention getting other colors and then change it out a few times a week. Or tape it right inside the doors rather than on them. Hmmm...

 

I do that too. It becomes part of the landscape.

[YLVD]

I'm always finishing things for them. Always. And it's not because I haven't spent the last 12 years sending them back to finish, because I have. I've endured the arguments of "I did!" followed by the proof that they didn't, followed by walking them through the steps to complete it. For 12 years. Daily. But guess what? It hasn't worked.

 

They have never folded a basket of laundry without leaving things in the basket, or leaving those things on the surface on which they folded without being told to empty the basket and put the clothes away. They have never cleaned out the litter box without being told to sweep the litter off the floor. They have never cleaned their room to the point there was nothing on the floor (just the other day dd complained she "did it!" but there were about 5 balled up dirty socks, scraps of paper everywhere and a garbage bag lying in the middle of the floor!). Ds has never brushed his teeth and put the cap back on the toothpaste. They have never emptied the dishwasher without leaving at least one clean item in the dishwasher. They have never made breakfast and closed the cupboard doors or silverware drawer; every morning I get up and walk to the kitchen for coffee, close three cupboard doors, close the silverware drawer and wipe the counter...just so I can get to the coffee pot. And yes, I do tell them when I see it hasn't been done. And yes, I do make them finish it. But even the finishing part isn't quite complete when they are done.

 

I've found they are like this with everything they start. Everything. Take a shower, leave clothes and towels on the floor. Clean the bathroom, don't get the sink. Make a project, leave half of the stuff on the work surface. And claim "I did it!".

 

I'm at a loss. Am I producing kids who will be adults who won't finish anything? I think so. But all the redirection, complaining, arm waving and such, discussing...all of it has produced no result. Is it a personality thing and I should just let it go, dedicating the rest of my life to finishing what others start? I don't want to do that. What is the psychology behind this sort of thing?

 

Do your kids do this? If not, please, for the love of pete, tell me your secret!!

 

The sad thing is, you just described me. I swear that I do not do it on purpose. I have pretty severe ADD and I'm not sure if that is my explanation. I do everything to try to remember. I leave cabinet doors open, towels on the floor, etc

[LauraGB]

The sad thing is, you just described me. I swear that I do not do it on purpose. I have pretty severe ADD and I'm not sure if that is my explanation. I do everything to try to remember. I leave cabinet doors open, towels on the floor, etc

 

Assuming you did this when you were younger, did your parents help you try to remember, or did they just do it themselves? If they did, what sorts of things did they do? It's likely ds has some form of attention deficit; dh does (but won't take the meds because he doesn't like how they feel). Dd does not seem to have this issue to work with and I think she just does it because everyone else does, so in her case, it seems to be a learned thing (regardless of my constant teaching of the opposite).

[LittleIzumi]

Assuming you did this when you were younger, did your parents help you try to remember, or did they just do it themselves? If they did, what sorts of things did they do? It's likely ds has some form of attention deficit; dh does (but won't take the meds because he doesn't like how they feel). Dd does not seem to have this issue to work with and I think she just does it because everyone else does, so in her case, it seems to be a learned thing (regardless of my constant teaching of the opposite).

 

If I am blaming my ADD for this behavior too :lol:, my mom is diagnosed OCD so she cleaned pretty much everything herself anyway. I just had to get the mess to my room & then it could stay messy. If we didn't pick up our stuff from the living room it would go in the trash but other than that... yeah. Mom did it. I have no clue how to do it myself. Don't come over to my house unannounced :lol:. I WANT to be clean. I just have a ton of trouble wiring my brain on HOW. Even as an adult. I get partway done & my brain shuts OFF.

[Virg]

I have twins with ADD and step-children with FAS so I will let you guess :lol:

 

Seriously some days I want to bang my head in to a wall! :banghead:

[Plucky]

The only secret I have is The Inspection. Before anyone can do anything fun, they have certain things they have to do. Cleaning up after themselves and doing their chores is part of that deal. When they have their own house things will change. :)

 

My 17 year old only wipes up the bathroom floor after himself half the time, but he's invariably walking around doing important work in his head. LOL Trust me, just keep reminding them, inspecting, and applying consequences as needed. Your kids will be fine. :)

[mcconnellboys]

My house used to be lit up like a Christmas tree all the time (TV's running in empty rooms, too), but after I spent several years commenting, "I don't care how big the electric bill is, you're the one wasting your hard earned money on it," that ailment mysteriously fixed itself (my hubby loves money, LOL)....

 

Now I just aggrevate them all by watching them and saying, "No, come back and close that draw, door, pick up the rest of xyz, get this or that, too," etc.

 

I recently ranted a few times about how I can't get anything done regarding actual cleaning of the house because all I do is pick up stuff off the stairs, counters, etc. and put them away all day and night long, but I can't see that has had much effect - yet.... That really is what I spend most of my spare "cleaning" time each day doing, just putting things in cabinets. Why can't anyone else do that, I wonder? (My older son says because that's "woman's work")....

[The Girls' Mom]

Mine do the same thing. My theory is: They have no real motivation to finish.

 

They don't CARE if the toothpaste lid is on, if there's a sock left in the basket, or the cat litter is on the floor. They aren't ultimately reponsible for the state of the house, the cost of the toothpaste, etc. It has little real bearing on their quality of life (other than keeping mom happy :lol:) Having small consequences for not doing those things still doesn't change the fact that they'll get done by SOMEONE eventually.

 

I figure I'll have to keep reminding them until they move out. Then it will be THEIR house to keep clean and running, and THEN they'll have the real motivation. (i.e. no mommy to remind them to pick the towels up out of the floor before the mildew takes over the house)

[LauraGB]

I just have a ton of trouble wiring my brain on HOW. Even as an adult. I get partway done & my brain shuts OFF.

 

Shuts off how? I really want to understand. Remember, my brain does not work like that - I do crap I don't want to every day, all day long, and I may get side tracked or bored or sick of it, but I still have to finish it. I don't want to take it personally any more (and, honestly, I do - because that is how my brain works). I want to understand so I can help if possible. What happens mid-way through a task?

[Rosie_0801]

I'm sure my mother would tell you it takes at least 18 years of nagging. She was so accomplished at it, I'm sure she'd say "turn the lights off" without even noticing she'd said it. Both my siblings and I are great at turning the lights off, but alas, Dh's mother didn't nag him enough as a child...

 

Rosie

[mcconnellboys]

Ugh, my oldest informed me when it was time to move out of his dorm room that he needed me to come and "help him" because he had not dusted all year. I sent him with plenty of cleaning supplies, too.

 

I took him a small stack of cleaning cloths and a duster, loaded our car up with as much stuff as we could carry, and left him to clean, LOL....

[LauraGB]

I recently ranted a few times about how I can't get anything done regarding actual cleaning of the house because all I do is pick up stuff off the stairs, counters, etc. and put them away all day and night long, but I can't see that has had much effect - yet.... That really is what I spend most of my spare "cleaning" time each day doing, just putting things in cabinets. Why can't anyone else do that, I wonder? (My older son says because that's "woman's work")....

 

Oh, honey. I hear you. It seems it's all I have time to do. What kind of garbage is that?

 

My ds said those exact words to me a few years ago. I am not kidding you. Exact words. He immediately spent the following week doing everything that I do, but somehow it didn't sink in that those things were actually *his* unfinished things (minus the laundry, of which he gladly shared the responsibility of creating).

 

Ugh.

 

I have dreams about my kids being doctors and saying things like, "Oh, well, I got *most* of the cancer out. Eh. Sew her up; I'm done," and heading off to gather up a hard earned machine driveled cup of coffee. :001_huh:

[mcconnellboys]

LOL! I read somewhere once (in one of those books about raising boys) that men are big picture thinkers and have already moved on to the next thing while we women are still obsessing over the little details (like those pesky quarter-inch open drawers)....

[KatDilan]

A long time ago I tried the signs - they just got used to seeing them there and ignored them! Maybe I should try again; use something neon with some attention getting other colors and then change it out a few times a week. Or tape it right inside the doors rather than on them. Hmmm...

 

 

Try an enlarged photograph of them doing the task with a big bright "?". I find photo's and pictures get a better response from mine even if they are readers.

[LittleIzumi]

Shuts off how? I really want to understand. Remember, my brain does not work like that - I do crap I don't want to every day, all day long, and I may get side tracked or bored or sick of it, but I still have to finish it. I don't want to take it personally any more (and, honestly, I do - because that is how my brain works). I want to understand so I can help if possible. What happens mid-way through a task?

 

The closest comparison would be it gives me panic attacks. My brain refuses to even contemplate the fact of finishing without wanting to cry or run away. So I gave up on even trying to finish a long time ago. It's very frustrating. I can come up with ten other things I should do just to avoid finishing (but I can't finish those either, lol). It's frustrating, since I really do want a clean house. I'm doing a bit better since starting fish oil for ADD.

[LittleIzumi]

Oh, honey. I hear you. It seems it's all I have time to do. What kind of garbage is that?

 

My ds said those exact words to me a few years ago. I am not kidding you. Exact words. He immediately spent the following week doing everything that I do, but somehow it didn't sink in that those things were actually *his* unfinished things (minus the laundry, of which he gladly shared the responsibility of creating).

 

Ugh.

 

I have dreams about my kids being doctors and saying things like, "Oh, well, I got *most* of the cancer out. Eh. Sew her up; I'm done," and heading off to gather up a hard earned machine driveled cup of coffee. :001_huh:

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol: I'll come back to it later....

[veggiegal]

The only secret I have is The Inspection. Before anyone can do anything fun, they have certain things they have to do. Cleaning up after themselves and doing their chores is part of that deal. When they have their own house things will change. :)

 

This is what we do too. I'd suggest 'picking your battles'; in our house, the boys (ages 6 and almost 9) get free time/screen time in the late afternoon, IF their rooms are tidy (basic picking up of clothes, books, toys, and making bed; sometimes putting away a clean basket of laundry) and they have completed their homeschool work for the day. Result? My kids generally keep their rooms tidy and don't dawdle during 'school' hours. Cuz if they do, they complete those tasks during their beloved screen time.

 

I'm still working on them hanging up jackets, putting shoes/boots on the tray, closing doors, etc. But I figure I can expand this basic framework as they age. Oh, and it doesn't hurt that this rule is for the whole family. I don't check email or get on facebook until I've done my minimal tasks for the day too (usually kitchen and laundry and a general tidy-up). :-)