If there was one thing you feel you did right raising your kids...

[Mom0012]

Reading to them almost every day since they were babies. When I have a bad moment, I ask them not to remember me like that, but to try to remember the mom who read to them 5 billion hours during their childhood.:tongue_smilie:

 

Also, before I became chronically ill, and they were still pretty young, we spent a lot of time on the playground (5-6 hours a day) and on the bike trail. I have great memories from that and I'm so glad they got all that time to just to be in the great outdoors.

 

Homeschooling them both, but especially my child who has struggled. This kid has really begun to soar after years of remediation and hard work.

 

Lastly, I always tuck them in at night even though I don't feel like it. It seems important to both of them that I connect with them before they go to sleep.

 

I hope no one starts a s/o thread on what we did wrong. :lol::lol::lol:

 

Lisa

[BMW]

Top of the list, which is something I will continue for a lifetime, is perseverance. Particularly in my Christian faith. They know one thing, no matter what, and that is that mom will keep picking up her Bible and praying and even though mom messes up along the way, keeps turning to God. (Recently one of my older children asked me, "Don't you get tired of taking the high road?" I felt satisfied that although it wasn't popular, I followed what I believed was what God wanted me to do and was caught.)

 

Daily practicalities: I loved having a routine and so did my little ones. I laughed a lot with them and had fun with them... I am glad that they built tee-pees (even though a favorite baby blanket was ruined when it was left in the tee-pee for the winter)... I wish I could see our snowman village one more time... I'm glad that I went room to room, child to child, gazing at them in their sleep, taking it all in.

 

Super glad that I passed on "I love you no matter what", which my mom gave to me. My oldest 3 have really valued that as they have entered adulthood. They know that they can call me anytime and say anything and I will, for the most part, not freak out, judge or be rude to them... but will love them. That keeps them coming to me and talking to me.

 

I wish I had been able to stick with some things that were great ideas... I wish I hadn't complained when I was really tired of running around with them. I wish I had been much more involved in high school years. I tend to expect them to handle their own business at that point and a couple of them had some setbacks that could have been avoided if I had been more involved.

[angela in ohio]

Taught them to serve others first.

 

Used a no-tolerance policy for selfishness and disrespect.

 

Set high standards academically and given up my own pursuits to model and to enable those standards.

 

As pp have stated, instilling healthy habits, from teaching them to sleep well early on to feeding them whole foods (but not as a food nut, we make an allowance for junk food at parties and events.)

 

Being a "mean mom." My home is quiet and peaceful and my dc are happy and fulfilled because I have been "mean": they don't do what other kids do, we don't do what other families do, and they have to work much harder (and we expect much more out of them) than other kids their age. And they love it! :D

 

Eschewed conventional techniques - no chore charts, no allowance, etc. - in favor of a "whole family team" approach to everything.

[LibraryLover]

Done right? I don't know. But there are things I do not regret... nursing them for a long time, not letting them cry it out, sharing sleep with them, carrying then when they wanted to be carried, not spanking. I regret not relaxing more...being so worried about minor issues (OMGosh he watched Sesame Street at my mil's! He had two cookies??!! etc). I also wish I had read even more to them. I am always discovering books I didn't read to them. That bothers me.

[mom4him]

It is difficult to put it into just one thing and of course my younger two are still in the middle of it.:tongue_smilie:

 

Looking back with my older 3 other than praying for them and teaching them Biblical truths, I think the one things was I never tried to be their friend. I was their mom. I worked hard at keeping communication open with each of them but I didn't try to be that buddy person that I see so many parents trying to be with their children. We played, we laughed, we cried, but I was the mom and if I said NO it was the final word.

 

Kids have multiple 'friends', 'friends' come and go, but a parent should be the guide, that stability, that comforter, discipliner that a 'friend' isn't.

[Plaid Dad]

Not owning a television has saved us endless hassles.

[Alenee]

Insisting on manners, kindness and friendship between and among siblings. Helping them to learn to solve conflict between themselves rather than accepting it as inevitable and insisting they work it out for themselves. Refusing to allow name-calling, gloating or mean-spiritedness in the smallest of ways.

 

Barb

 

:iagree: Yes, treating eachother with decency and respect at all times. Put-downs, teasing, bossiness, unnecessary correcting of eachother...just not allowed.

 

Though I don't say it, I try to keep to, "never let the sun go down on your anger." It was very important to me that the girls learn to work out their differences as quickly as possible, meaning not allowing hours or days to go by w/o dealing with it. I try to help them see the conflict from both sides and to admit when they're wrong. My sister and I were always split up if an argument ensued so it wasn't until our 30's that we learned *how* to work through it. I want to create an environment where the girls learn to trust eachother before they're adults.

 

This behavior extends to people outside the family as well. Teaching them to love others no matter what. Not becoming doormats, but treating others with care even when it's the most difficult thing to do.

[Kari C in SC]

Looking back with my oldest, I am thankful we were open and honest with him. There was never a thing he couldn't talk about with me. My parents loved us unconditionally and I think my dh and I did a good job doing the same. I never bought into all the legalism garbage that so many homeschooling families seem to fall into. We just had lots of fun and talked a lot. Even when my son was in Alaska - he called me 2-3 times a day. In Iraq - he im'd that often. Talk A LOT!

[Alphabetika]

Sharing a love of classical music.

 

Wow - I was going to say this. I was going to say, Turning on our local, publically funded (i.e. no commercials) classical music station daily. And, spinning off of that, introducing my kids to many styles of music, including lots and lots of world music. This seems like a small thing on the face of it, but it has created bonds in our family related to language, rhythm, melody, history, international politics - it's hard to explain.

Edited June 18, 2011 by Alphabetika

[Alphabetika]

I've not read any other replies...

 

As my parenting evolved, I have adopted the philosophy of erring on the side of kindness. I began my parenting journey fearful that if I didn't get behaviors under control early on (preschool age) that it would damage my kids. In fact, many behaviors are developmental. I don't spend much time trying to address developmental behaviors. I also focus on things that are true character issues (unkindness towards others, lying, consistent cheating on games). I put much less emphasis on behaviors due to personality differences or things which are not character issues.

 

This has made my home a more peaceful place and my parenting journey a more joyfull/less anxious one. When character issues arise, I address them gently but consistently, with a lot of discussing and not much punishment. I look at parenting as a very long-term proposition - I am raising adults, not children, in other words. I have learned to let go of them being a reflection of me, particularly when they are young. I ignore people who expect behavior which is not developmentally appropriate for a preschooler, for instance. Three year olds should and will act like three year olds. When they are five and ten and fifteen, they will not act like this.

 

My children are not grown, but I do have an almost 16 year old. Feedback from others (extended family and people in the community/church) is almost universally positive about my kids' behavior. I don't credit all of this to my parenting because that would be terribly arrogant, but I do think that a gentle approach with the kids, considering myself to always be in the teaching mode rather than the correcting mode, has helped to make them more confident and to learn life lessons in a loving and supportive environment.

 

So, so, SO wise. Thank you for this post. Sometimes I think God gave me dd#3 so I could put into practice what you're describing above, which was in my heart all the time but I was not always willing or able to live out when parenting my other two as young kids.

[Alphabetika]

Not owning a television has saved us endless hassles.

 

:iagree: We own one but have never used it for network TV or cable, only for movies. This has been a huge benefit.

[JEMama]

What a great and inspiring thread!

 

One of the things we do is surround our kids with books, and try not to buy too many toys. We tell stories, pray, sing songs, go on outings and spend a lot of time together. My dh works early hours and is home by early afternoon, so we have tons of family time together.

 

I wish I could say that I'm always setting a good example though. My biggest struggle is trying not to raise my voice. I was raised in a family where there was a lot of yelling... I'm trying not to pass on this sin to my children. I am humbled and inspired by this thread to be more consistent in giving my kids a positive example to follow. My kids are still young, so it's not too late...

 

Keep the pearls of wisdom coming!

[Laura Corin]

I think that giving the boys firm limits and sticking to them has been the most important thing. We haven't used many punishments - mostly it's been consistent diverting and explaining. There is a downside of this: there are some rules in the house that I wish were a bit more flexible, but I can live with them. We do listen to reasoned arguments and do change rules when convinced.

 

Things that I wish I'd done differently? The times when I lost it and really yelled at them in an angry way. My mother never yelled at me and my husband has never yelled at the kids; I can't imagine how shocking it is to have a parent do that. I don't know what the consequences of this might be.

 

Laura

[texasmama]

So, so, SO wise. Thank you for this post. Sometimes I think God gave me dd#3 so I could put into practice what you're describing above, which was in my heart all the time but I was not always willing or able to live out when parenting my other two as young kids.

 

Thank you for saying this.

 

My children and my experience rearing them has shaped my parenting more than anything else. I had a wonderful, loving model in my own mother, which has helped tremendously, because I can see in my own life/heart the fruits of her labors during my childhood and beyond. She is gone now, but she is very much with me every day as I rear my kids and remain incredibly grateful for her influence.

 

I've had to apologize to my oldest child, who bore the brunt of most of my parenting errors in the fledgling years. She has been very gracious about this, and we have a good relationship.

[kalanamak]

Wow - I was going to say this. I was going to say, Turning on our local, publically funded (i.e. no commercials) classical music station daily.

 

Ours just went public, and I got a grocery bag proclaiming I"m a charter member! My son was so thrilled. "No more cancer, cancer, cancer, weight loss, weight loss, weight loss."( The ads were mostly "herbal" supplements.)

I can just hear the happiness in the announcers no longer having to tout a local jeweler who will buy your used silver, but instead announce an uncoming Mostly Mozart weekend.

 

We love guessing who a composer is, and looking him/her up if it is a name we are not familiar with, and the (national) weekend show when the teens play pieces after a brief interview are just great. They are without fail well-spoken and lively, and my son hangs on their words.

 

If you google KUOW 2, there is a show you can stream on line on on Saturday nights 7:30 pacific time called My Music, which is an erudite music quiz show from England, which ran from the mid 60s to the 90s. It is right after My Word, which is a word show of even longer duration. Both are witty, good vocab stretchers, and will turn you onto so much wonderful music, it is worth a listen.

[Ester Maria]

It was very important to us, from the beginning, to work on our daughters' self-discipline, as we felt that people who lack it have tremendous difficulties in their adult life with easy daily things. Since toddlerhood we have been working on establishing and respecting a kind of routine, teaching them how to postpone pleasures for after work (a sort of "work hard and then play hard" attitude, rather than doing half-heartedly either of that), how to manage having all of their duties successfully done, etc. I find these are important things to establish early in life, because once they become a second nature, you can even loosen up and you will still get things done and have self-discipline. We have been fairly loose with them for years now, but it is exactly the fact that they are disciplined that we can be loose in the first place and ignore minor issues, as the big picture is okay. We have also generally tried working on that inner discipline rather than having a system of arbitrary outside "reward and punishment".

 

Another thing I found it important was to just laugh away some things. Even if we tried to be consistent and firm in our expectations, sometimes you just have to roll your eyes, laugh and let it be. Keeping a sense of humor is great too, especially with teenagers, and reversing things to humor whenever possible, it saves you a lot of tension.

 

Also, independence - first physical independence increasing with age, and then an emphasis on a sort of "mental" independence throughout education. The latter one is tough to accomplish, as many adults genuinely lack it themselves, but we are working on it - hopefully, at least a recognition of such a thing is established so seeds are there, even if these are still fairly impressionable ages.

 

And lots of open affection. I am terribly affectionate with my immediate family, I cannot help myself - I just adore them :tongue_smilie:, so poor things are used to hugs, kisses and unexpected verbal outbursts of my love towards them. Now they are of the eye-rolling age, at least the older two, but I know they like it based on how they treat their little sister too, they just do not have the guts to admit it. :D

 

Things we need to work on:

- Financial responsibility (they tend to, ahem... spend)

- Not allowing them to provoke me into raising my voice sometimes

- Maybe I should have interfered into some of their bickering in the past, but for the most part they handled it successfully on their own

- Stop being paranoid whenever they are away and then pass onto them my own paranoia and insecurity

- Maybe they have too much freedom (spatial, financial, etc.) which is too abusable if they come into a temptation to do so, but I am still not sure if cutting on it would be a good idea, as they seem to handle it well

- Okay, I should probably not call them corrupted souls when they speak English :lol:

I've tried to instill in my girls a healthy balance of respect and skepticism in regards to authority. They'll have no problem taking direction and supervision from their superiors in school or work . . . and they'll be darn difficult to abuse, emotionally or otherwise.

This is an extremely important point, it is so easy to sink into either extreme - be it that of teaching complete obedience and compliance which on the long run makes you an easy target for all kinds of manipulators, or that of allowing your children to be little beasts who will maybe not be easily intimidated, but will also lack wisdom in knowing when authorities and rules should be respected.

I believe, so far, that this has also been one of my successes with the girls - they are definitely not servile, easily intimidated or easily manipulated, but at the same time they can remain respectful and "know their place" in some situations, so to speak.

[kalanamak]

:iagree:

They understand that it isn't just about a bunch of rules that Mom and Dad made up.

 

:iagree:, too. I am also starting young. I am following the events in Mexico with kiddo, as an early introduction about the non-biological effects of participating in the illegal drug trade, e.g.

[glennis_b]

We read the Bible together in the evenings.