Would you say something?

[TXBeth]

DS is in soccer for the first time this year. We thought he would love it, but after the first couple of practices, we started to think we'd made a mistake by starting him so young. He didn't want to listen, ran away when he was called, tackled kids (like a football tackle, pulling them down), etc.

 

However, after the first couple games, he rapidly started improving and is doing SO much better. He talks every time before practices and games about how he is going to listen to his coach and kick the ball and NO PUSHING OR TACKLING. And he does it! Every once in a while, he might grab a shirt while going after the ball, or start crying if he gets pulled out, but no more than any other kids out there.

 

This morning, he did awesome! He had a good attitude, listened to the coach, grabbed an opponent's arm once and we had him pulled out for a while. He was disappointed but after I spoke to him he quickly changed his attitude and cheered on his teammates until it was his turn to play again. I couldn't believe the change over the last several weeks! He even scored a goal (okay, it was for the other team, but to be fair, the coach mistakenly told them before the game started that they were going for the red goal, and that's where he went).

 

Now on to our issue...the game seemed normal to me, but apparently the coach was unhappy that the other team was playing really well (just happened to be that one team who has kids that look about two years older and actually know which goal they're supposed to run to). They DO NOT keep score in this league; kids score a goal, we cheer, we move on fresh. I guess the coach felt like some of our players were not concentrating on the game, just messing around on the field. Then at the end, 3 boys (all on our team, not my DS) started tussling with each other. He immediately escorted them off the field and called DS and two other kids to replace them.

 

After the game, the coach called everyone over and had them take a knee. He proceeded to lecture them for several minutes about focusing on the game, listening to what he yells (like "red,red" or "blue, blue" for the goals, or "go to the ball!"), etc. Some of the phrases he used were "you guys were not playing well today. You were goofing off and not listening. When we get on the field, that's not time for playing ring around the rosey or whatever else you were doing. Between these lines, we play soccer! You all had STINKY attitudes today, and you were embarrassing me. If you don't want to play soccer, don't come and play, but don't go out there on the field and mess around when you should be concentrating on the game." There was more, as this went on for a long time, with a few of the above sentences being repeated 2-3 times (that's why I remember them so clearly).

 

I have to say, my DH and I were both pretty pissed about this. Walking away from the field, I told DS "Hey, buddy, you did great today! Good job!" His response (with a sad face) "No I didn't, I did a bad job and I wasn't listening." (then with a confused face) "But I kicked the ball and I didn't tackle anybody!" (then sad face again) "But I did a bad job." Of course we reassured him, but come on!! He did so great today and then got lectured for it. Oh, and by the way, with the exception of the kids who were fighting at the end, nobody really did poorly; no one was playing ring around the rosey on the field; they just couldn't keep up with the stronger players on the other team.

 

If you've made it this far, thanks. I should add that all these kids had their 3rd birthday sometime in 2010, so most are still three but a couple may be young 4s.

 

My question: would you say something to the coach, or just let it go, figuring he must have had a bad week? I do know that his wife got into a minor car accident Thursday (he missed most of practice because of this, so we heard). She is fine (was at the game), but I'm sure it would have caused some stress for him dealing with insurance, etc. Also, bear in mind that there are only 2 weeks left of the season. Actually, just a week and a half for us because we will miss the last game for my brother's graduation.

 

Thanks in advance for the input!

 

Beth

 

The Princess (5.5)

The Tiger (3.5)

The Ladybug (1.5)

[Alphabetika]

Wait...let me get this straight. These are 3 and 4 year olds?!! :001_huh:

 

I don't have any experience in this realm - truly none, as I have girls and we've never been involved in sports - but this man sounds waaaaay too self-focused to be coaching ANYONE, let alone such young kids. To berate a group of preschoolers with the accusation that they were embarrassing *him* says it all.

Edited May 1, 2011 by Alphabetika

[snipsnsnailsx5]

wow that's way too young for a lecture like that. :( I was imagining 9 yr olds or maybe even 7 yr olds by the way you described his lecture to them.

I picture my 4 yr old in a soccer game like that, and I'd be pretty upset with such a mean talk given by the coach too!

 

If this is the first time, I'd probably just keep an eye on things more closely - pay attention during practice (is the coach losing his cool? Is he yelling at the kids?) and if he gives another lecture like this after the next game then definitely say something. Like you said, it could have just been a really bad week for him. Still not an excuse to take his anger out on these little kids, though.

 

You could always send a gentle email too (or call, I say email because I'm a phone-phobe LOL) and just say that your little one was a bit sad after the last game and you were concerned. Make sure you voice that you want him to have a good time and learn how to play soccer, but that you worry when he (your son) is too focused on winning/losing.

 

Good luck!

[teamturner]

Even if the team had been acting like he described, which your story clearly states they were not, he had no business talking to them like that. That's just crazy! I am so sorry your ds was so sad. I hope you finally convinced him that he did great.

 

If I were you, I would watch that coach like a hawk and the minute he started talking like that I would get my kid out of there so fast. In fact, after the next game, just leave as soon as the playing is over and skip the coach's speech at the end. Praise your ds all the way to the car and go out for ice cream!

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

This is one of the reasons I let my kids quit soccer after one session. Mine were in K and 1st grade and the coach was talking to them in a similar manner. What really aggravated me was that he hadn't given them clear instructions before any of the games, but expected them to know what he wanted and berated them afterwards. Not cool.

 

I don't know if I would say anything after this first time, but if he does it again, I would probably say something. I would wait until I was not angry first so that my thoughts would come out coherently.

[Margo out of lurking]

I think 3-4 is too young to be playing soccer and that OF COURSE they are not going to be paying attention. I am surprised they had enough children signed up to form teams to play against each other.

 

Focusing during soccer is enough of a challenge for many 6 years olds. And plenty of 8 year olds, and even a few 9-10 year olds.

[Mimm]

Um, am I crazy that I would expect a bunch of three year olds to play ring around the rosy on the field? Sounds like the guy is taking a bit seriously. Really, at that age, it's a constant battle to keep them focused on something as long as a kid's soccer game. If they're out there running around, trying to kick the ball for the entire time, I call that a win.

[bzymom]

That is ridiculous. I coached 5/6 year olds for a couple of years. Our practices were fun, our games were fun. We did not keep score. Our goals were to teach the kids the basics, and instill a love of the game. The kids fooled around, chit-chatted on the field, pulled dandelions, asked for constant water breaks--cause that is what peanuts do!! We would laugh that the games were a big huddle of kids running around, wherever the ball went. Positions were not non-existent for the most part.

 

This coach is too wrapped up in the competitive side of this. If he wants to field a team of missile-seeking kickers, he should move to a high school level. You can ask the organization for their goals and rules for coaching the littles. You can speak to whomever is in charge of the soccer coaches about this behavior. You can try to have a private conversation with the coach. Or you can move your son to another team.

 

This type of coaching causes kids to drop out, and never want to play again, and makes me mad!

[Teachin'Mine]

I would definite talk with him - preferably both you and your husband. At the least, he needs to set the record straight with your son, but he really needs to address the whole team. Unfortunately, this type of coaching isn't uncommon, even for the little ones. My dd was turned off any team sports from her experience in Kindergarten on a school soccer team. :confused:

[texasmama]

My husband coached basketball for 4th graders and didn't talk to them like that. If you are Christian or open to a Christian program, google Upward sports. It is a gentle and kind way for a young chld to learn a sport. They start in kindy (age 5), and have basketball, soccer and flag football.

[happypamama]

I'm with everyone else; I think the coach's attitude was a bit much for 6-10 yo, but for 3-4yo!! Completely not acceptable. I really wouldn't expect much from 3-4yo at soccer -- if they make it to the goal and use their feet more than their hands, I would think that would be great! I'm sorry your son was so sad; I hope he's able to focus on the improvement instead! I don't know if I'd say something this time, but if it happened again, I would. And I'd spend a lot of time talking about improvement and how well your son/the team has done too, to make up for it.

[Remudamom]

I can't read all the responses because I just saw how old your son is. Why in the world would you even consider putting a three yr old in that type of situation? He's three??

 

Yeah, the coach is wrong, but I wouldn't consider putting a three yr old in that type of environment. They don't need to play organized games. Poor little things, all of them. Why not meet at a park with moms to coach and encourage.

 

I'm sorry. I'm going to stop now.

[Trish]

They're too young for "organized soccer."

 

When everybody pretends they're not, then you get lectures like the one described.

[mandymom]

I will disagree with some here and say that I DON'T think he's too young for an organized sport, BUT...

 

the focus of the "game" for kids that age is to learn "no pushing, no shoving", running down the field the right way, good sportsmanship, the very basics of the rules, and most importantly having fun. The coach seems to need reminding that they are 3 and 4 year olds.

 

What are the written goals of the organization he plays with? I'm guessing since they don't keep score that it is more along the lines of what I've mentioned above. Maybe one or more of the parents on the team need to have a meeting with the coach to remind him of that.

 

I also recommend Upward sports. My kids have played and my dh has coached. It's a great program.

Edited May 1, 2011 by mandymom

[elegantlion]

Coach has been watching too many sports movies. :001_huh: That's not the way to encourage 3 year olds.

 

Was his wife there? I wonder if he got a lecture from her?

 

Is he around younger children that much? Seriously, he may not understand that age well, and probably has no business coaching if he doesn't understand what that age group will comprehend. Has he coached before?

 

My dh would have had no issue talking with the coach right at that moment. He coached ds in YMCA t-ball for two years. I would have gone nuts, but he had a blast. At that age it should be all about fun and learning some about the game, not getting demeaning lectures.

 

I would address the issue in some form before the next practice.

[kwickimom]

Uh...no thats ridiculous.

 

My 5YO DS plays on a team with 4 and 5 YO's. We do nothing but let them run around and fall down :001_smile: Of course we try and show them whose goal is whose, etc.

 

The coaches tell them to run and kick and they use the smallest kids as goalies for the most part so kids will score and feel good about themselves. Our coach is wonderful and has never said one negative word to the kids. They are LITTLE and have no clue what they are doing and this is for FUN.

 

I would not want them lectured and I would remind the coach of their ages. We had kids out there pickin gflowers, roaming amlessly, waving at mom and dad...we all laugh and try and get them to run after the ball, but thats it.

 

GOSH. its kids soccer.....

[TXBeth]

"the focus of the "game" for kids that age is to learn "no pushing, no shoving", running down the field the right way, good sportsmanship, the very basics of the rules, and most importantly having fun. The coach seems to need reminding that they are 3 and 4 year olds."

 

This is exactly what we expected! We thought it would be a good avenue for him to get out some energy, learn the basics, and have some fun playing with other kids since we are usually at home all day. And for the most part, it has been. Thinking back, this is really not typical of his coach, so I'm thinking he must have just had a really bad week.

 

We have noticed that he doesn't seem to "get" little kids. There is one child on the team that I was assuming was his son, and I always thought it was strange that they barely even looked at each other, but my DH pointed out that maybe it is his wife's son but not his. That makes so much sense! This is the first lecture, but he's constantly talking over the kids' heads, using vocabulary that they have no idea what he's talking about, not getting down to their level to talk, etc. Just minor little things that someone who has a 3-yr-old would do naturally that lets you know that someone isn't that comfortable with little ones.

 

Because there is so little time left in the season, I think we are leaning towards just letting it go, but watching closely and speaking up immediately if it happens again. Thanks for all the input, ladies! It's good to hear that we weren't totally over-reacting. We don't tend to be "precious snowflake" parents, but I wanted to get some outside perspective just to see.

[Alicia64]

Way, way, way inappropriate of the couch. I think you have every reason to approach the powers that be and explain what this couch is doing.

 

Way overboard.

 

My boy is 8 and this is also his first year of soccer. He's sort of okay at it, but just beams as if he's the best player out there!

 

If his couch said stuff like this to him, he'd be crushed.

 

Alley

[twoxcell]

That is way over the top for 3-4 year olds:confused:! My ds has been playing soccer since he was 3, and I have not heard anything that harsh from any of his coaches. He is nearly 8, so there is some correcting from coaches, but I do not mind that. My two oldest played itty-bitty at our Y at that age, and it was all about the kids having fun, and being introduced to the sport. In my opinion 3 year olds should not even be expected to play games they just are not ready for it. Last Saturday my dd(5) was palying a game with her itty-bitty team who has mostly 4-5 year olds on it except the coaches son who is 3, and the team they played against had to have been mostly 3 year olds because they could barely get any of them to even stay on the field.

[eternalknot]

My brother coaches my son's team; he has no children of his own :) He has over 20 nieces and nephews ranging from just a few months old up to 19 years, so he's good at what he does, but he has friends with zero child experience who have also coached teams for community service hours or coaching experience. Many times they'll request an older age level, but be placed "where needed" which is typically the younger ages. They've not been overly successful at speaking to their players' levels, either, as indicated by (solicited!) parent feedback at the end of the season.

 

Sometimes lifelong athletes think they're naturals for coaching, but they struggle making the leap from coaching older kids (or being coached as an older kid/young adult) to coaching little kids. It's like they can't separate the level of intensity appropriate to preschoolers versus appropriate to teenagers. Or, worse, they think they can and do ... but they're way off.

 

My kids do well with that type of coaching, and did even at a very young age. It's a personality thing, and they are challenged and respond well to that style of coaching. My son has had one coach for the past three years; in that time, a small core group of players has chosen to stay with the coach (kids like my own who respond well to the coach's style) but without fail every season we have a high turnover of kids who just don't jive with this particular coach. He has a reputation within the league, and people actively resist being placed on his team. That's okay. It might be an option you consider next season, too -- when you register, simply request to be placed on a different team. If pressed for a reason, it's great for the league to get feedback on that -- difference of coaching philosophy is acceptable, and not all that uncommon. In our league, coaches see comments so you may want to save the ugly specifics for a personal letter to the commissioner or league president.

 

It sounds like you and your husband have a great plan of action to finish out the season ~ I hope your little soccer player enjoys the last few games!

[Desert Rat]

My dh has coached soccer since my oldest was 6. The type of lecture you described isn't even acceptable at that age. He would have interupted with a redirection, focusing on the things they did right-like having fun and not using their hands. Then, dh would have spoken to him afterwards in private. He has done this with coaches. (We have 2 boys and don't coach both teams.)

My youngest has been playing soccer since he was 4. We've pulled him off of 2 teams for the similar issues with coaches. Now, we have found a completely recreational league which we love. They focus on team work, having fun, and gaining skills- not competition and winning. My boy has the best coach! He is still in high school, has 4 younger sibs and is so patient and kind. He pulls the boys out with a "good job" if they aren't paying attention. He understands 8yo's attention spans or lack thereof.

OP, I would definitely say something. We started our boys in soccer at young ages so I don't think that's the issue. The issue is the coach expecting too much for that age.

I'm sorry that happened to him. I know his little heart must be sad and yours too!

[sleepymommy]

Boy, I hope he was just having a bad day because that is too much for 3 and 4yr olds.

 

I would speak to or email him, but I would first compliment anything else you like about what he has done thus far and if he is a volunteer I would thank him for the time commitment he puts in and then gently explain why you think that kind of lecture is a bit overboard. The kids are supposed to be just getting a feel for the game and developing a love and appreciation of the sport, not be berated for acting their age.

 

Good luck!