Need urgent advice please

[ckweyant]

This is very important, as this may mean the end of my marriage.

 

My dh, who has no children, has said that he thinks that it is sick for me to allow my 8yo ds to sleep with me occasionally when he is away. I have two other dc, ages 14 and 13 who did this sometimes, when they were younger (I was a single parent for quite awhile).

 

Some background: My dh comes from an abused background as a child. He is very self centered and immature (in a quite a few ways). He never really had much of a childhood, and was sent to boarding school at the age of 12. He had a slew of step parents while he was at home.

 

I have never thought that what I did was wrong, sick, or inappropriate. I have always wore pj's to bed. But then again, I have NEVER had any kinds of inappropriate thoughts about any of my children. I was raised in a loving home, with no abuse. My Mom was abused by her father, but has never let that interfere with her children (she has 5 of her own and 4 step children).

 

I am at a complete loss. From time to time, my children, as well as my siblings children has slept in the bed with my parents (their grandparents) when they were younger. My ds (the one that we had the argument about) has slept with his dad (after we divorced). My dh even says that it makes him uncomfortable to see me snuggling with my dc (one the couch while watching a movie).

 

Please, please help me with your advice. God Bless, Cassandra

[dragons in the flower bed]

This is very important, as this may mean the end of my marriage.

 

My dh, who has no children, has said that he thinks that it is sick for me to allow my 8yo ds to sleep with me occasionally when he is away.

 

Cassandra, I think this may violate the board rules against husband bashing, but I will answer anyway. If your husband was abused as a child, and it's interfering with both his stepparenting and his marriage, then he needs professional help far beyond what a message board can offer. Please encourage him to seek out therapy.

 

A book that might help is Beyond Betrayal. The Courage to Heal is the classic in the field, and my partner likes it despite being male, but many have said that it's too female oriented. It may help you understand the coping strategies survivors develop.

[Faithr]

Hmmm. I don't see why this may mean the end of your marriage. It just seems that your dh is uncomfortable with lots of physical contact because he's been influenced by bad experiences and you are not. I would just try to explain gently that all touching is not abusive. Maybe you need to work on communicating without becoming defensive. I would respect the fact that he sees things differently because of terrible things he experienced. I would just keep trying to gently work through your differences and seek outside help if necessary.

 

I think also that we are not supposed to give marital advice here so maybe I'm breaking the rules by responding.

[CalicoKat]

This is very important, as this may mean the end of my marriage.

 

My dh, who has no children, has said that he thinks that it is sick for me to allow my 8yo ds to sleep with me occasionally when he is away. I have two other dc, ages 14 and 13 who did this sometimes, when they were younger (I was a single parent for quite awhile).

 

Some background: My dh comes from an abused background as a child. He is very self centered and immature (in a quite a few ways). He never really had much of a childhood, and was sent to boarding school at the age of 12. He had a slew of step parents while he was at home.

 

I have never thought that what I did was wrong, sick, or inappropriate. I have always wore pj's to bed. But then again, I have NEVER had any kinds of inappropriate thoughts about any of my children. I was raised in a loving home, with no abuse. My Mom was abused by her father, but has never let that interfere with her children (she has 5 of her own and 4 step children).

 

I am at a complete loss. From time to time, my children, as well as my siblings children has slept in the bed with my parents (their grandparents) when they were younger. My ds (the one that we had the argument about) has slept with his dad (after we divorced). My dh even says that it makes him uncomfortable to see me snuggling with my dc (one the couch while watching a movie).

 

Please, please help me with your advice. God Bless, Cassandra

 

IMO it sounds like you have a healthy, loving, appropriate relationship with your children.

 

IMO it also sounds like your dh needs to have some counseling to resolve the problems from his own youth.

 

IMO you must not stop being a loving mother to your children. Don't they deserve to have a healthy, loving relationship with their mother--the foundation for all healthy relationships with woman in their future and an example of how they should raise your future grandchildren? Don't bankrupt your children's ability to be loved, show love, and give love to others for a man who is insecure.

 

But this is just my unprofessional, based on few facts opinion--get thee and him to a professional.

[ckweyant]

Im sorry if this came across as husband bashing, that is not my intent at all. What I trying to understand, is if I am doing something wrong.

 

Please remove this is this is considered husband bashing, as I am not trying to break board rules. But, I could really use some insight.

 

Blessings, Cassandra

[bettyandbob]

It sounds like he is not in any active recovery from his abuse. He needs counseling very specific to persons who experienced child abuse. He may think he "got over it" on his own, but he clearly has not.

[Plucky]

You aren't doing anything wrong. My almost 10 year old boy sleeps with me twice a week.

[pmegan]

Hmmm. I don't see why this may mean the end of your marriage. It just seems that your dh is uncomfortable with lots of physical contact because he's been influenced by bad experiences and you are not. I would just try to explain gently that all touching is not abusive. Maybe you need to work on communicating without becoming defensive. I would respect the fact that he sees things differently because of terrible things he experienced. I would just keep trying to gently work through your differences and seek outside help if necessary.

 

:iagree:

 

Many men carry a stigma against professional help of this sort, so it might ease things if you go as a couple, and tell him that you are concerned that he may be right and you want a professional opinion. The counselor can talk to you individually, too.

[Veronica in VA]

I agree that your husband should seek help. And I don't think what you are doing is wrong at all. But in the meantime, it might help if your son brought a sleeping bag in your room and sleep in that, rather than in the bed. When my children were scared from a bad thunderstorm at night, we started having them do that. We have a high bed and I didn't want them rolling off, but in your situation your husband might feel better if your son slept in the same room, but just in a sleeping bag.

 

Hope that helps,

 

Veronica

[nukeswife]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You're just being a loving, comforting mom to your son. I do all the same things you mentioned. My son is going to be 9 in a week and sometimes he just need to sit and have me cuddle with him. Maybe he's having a bad day, sometimes when my dh is gone he'll ask to sleep in my bed with me because he's feeling lonely since he hasn't been able to spend any one on one time with his dad. My dh is in the Navy and is gone for long periods of time so I know how he feels. My dd and younger son are the same way. Sometimes they just want to feel that you're there for them and need a hug or sometime to just cuddle and watch a movie or read a book.

 

I think your dh may need some help dealing with issues he has from his own childhood.

[dragons in the flower bed]

Im sorry if this came across as husband bashing, that is not my intent at all. What I trying to understand, is if I am doing something wrong.

 

 

I see. No, you're not doing anything wrong. Human beings crave touch, and physical contact. They need it to grow and they need it to be whole, healthy human beings. It's not natural to expect children to stop being touch after infancy and wait until they're married to experience affection again. Don't stop snuggling with your children while you watch TV or letting them in your bed at night.

 

The reason so many kids want to sleep with mom when dad is away is neurological. When you are touching your kids, their brains are flooding with opoids and oxytocin, making the world seem like a happy place. All forms of stress hinder and block the release of opoids and oxytocin -- stress like a parent going out of town. Without these hormones flowing freely through our system, the world seems like a scary, dangerous place. Touch, all sorts of physical affection, flood the brain with opoids and oxytocin. When the child is laying next to mom, the world seems safe again, even without (the typically protective figure of) daddy at home.

[RoughCollie]

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. All 4 of my kids used to sleep with me when DH went out of town. When they got too big to fit in our king-sized bed with me, two slept on the floor in sleeping bags, and two slept in the bed. Now the boys are too old to want to do that, so only DD sleeps with me when DH is not here.

 

All of us enjoyed that ritual a whole lot. We would talk and read, and stay up late (our version of when the cat's away, the mice will play). Those times were special since DH doesn't go out of town more than a few times a year.

 

Also, if one or more of the kids are sick, I used to stick one of them in my bed to sleep with DH, so I could be right there in case one of the sick kids needed me. I didn't see anything wrong with that, either. Now that they are older, we don't do that because the kids are better able to handle being sick and don't need me to be right there immediately.

 

I think your DH is intensely uncomfortable about this because of what has happened to him in the past, not because you are doing anything wrong. I would expect that this situation triggers very unpleasant feelings and memories for him. If he is amenable to it, I suggest that he see a psychologist who is quite experienced in dealing with childhood abuse, neglect and trauma. In the alternative, I suggest the two of you see a marriage counselor.

 

RC

[linders]

when my husband is away. He just feels more secure, no big deal. We read in bed together then he dozes off and I leave him where he is.

 

I won't address the DH thing, others have had excellent advice.

[Philothea]

I'm in my mid 20's and I co-slept with my sibling until I moved out. We were just close. I never wanted to co-sleep in my parents bed because dad snored, however, I would even at this age, not think it was strange to sleep with my mom (who doesn't snore). In fact, if we were sharing a hotel room or all the other rooms we're taken at home on a holiday or something, I'd take a nap with my dear mom.

 

People really have different takes on what in means to share a bed. It doesn't seem like it would be contraversial but it really can be!

 

I hope you find a happy resolution to your situation.

[Joanne]

My kids have always occassionally slept in my bed.

 

They especially did so when their bio dad travelled and when I was single.

 

It's common for kids of all ages to do so. Common and "normal".

 

I think, in your situation, I'd insist that your DH get help and I'd restrict his role in parenting until he did.

[mo2]

You ABSOLUTELY are NOT doing any wrong. Please don't change the way you parent your children because of this. If it makes your husband uncomfortable, perhaps he needs a little more help to work through his abuse issues. Children need touch. They need it like they need air, food, and water.

 

(Insert standard disclaimer about this being all my opinion, I'm no expert, yada, yada ;) )

[Parrothead]

You ABSOLUTELY are NOT doing any wrong. Please don't change the way you parent your children because of this. If it makes your husband uncomfortable, perhaps he needs a little more help to work through his abuse issues. Children need touch. They need it like they need air, food, and water.

 

(Insert standard disclaimer about this being all my opinion, I'm no expert, yada, yada ;) )

:iagree:

 

I want to add that my 8-year old dd sleeps with me and dh sleeps in her bed. With his shift work this arrangement has always worked out best for us. We are hoping to buy dh a full-size bed this summer, and when we buy a house when we finally settle in a permanent location the three of us will all have our own rooms for sleeping.

[Mrs Mungo]

Personally, I would recommend family counseling. If he has abuse in his past you will probably need to confront this issue from different angles again and again.

[Mosaicmind]

My 6 & 8 yr ds sleep with me when dh works nights. They are very insecure when he is gone and it helps with sleeping and being secure. I don't see anything wrong with it. My 10 yr ds hasn't asked me in a long time, but if he did I would allow it. It's not like we are sleeping n*ked.

[Starr]

My son was still sleeping with us from time to time at 8. He's 12 and doesn't sleep with either of us anymore but still likes a "cozy" while reading or watching a movie.

[kalanamak]

This is very important, as this may mean the end of my marriage.

 

 

 

I'm not sure why this would be the end of your marriage. If I had a changeable habit, like co-sleeping, and it intensely upset hubby, I'd just change it.

 

If it has already upset him to the point of divorce, I'd wonder just how long he'd known you and if that this was the beginning of an ogre coming out. Oh, I've met those great-for-two-years-and-then-an-ogre types. I have no ogre cure, just ogre repellent.

[Mommy2BeautifulGirls]

I have not read through all of the comments, as I'm getting ready to head up to bed. However, here are my thoughts:

 

First and foremost, I do not think you are husband bashing. You are only giving us the facts as they pertain to the situation. (If you had been bashing, it probably would have been more like, "I cannot believe that my husband is acting like this, etc.")

 

Second, I really do think that he may need some professional help, as I noticed several people stated. If he does not want to jump right into counseling, maybe you can at least encourage him to ask his primary care physician about it. He or she might be able to direct him toward a course of therapy. Sometimes it takes someone removed from the situation to encourage people to seek the help they need.

 

Also, being that he is a stepfather, maybe he's just not used to that kind of situation yet. You need to put yourself in his shoes, and try to imagine that you entered his family and they did things different than what you're used to. I'm sure that given time, and possibly therapy if it's needed, he will come to realize that you're just being a normal, healthy, nurturing mother.

 

Maybe you should see if he's open to going out to dinner sometime without the kids to talk it over so that you can share your opinions with one another in a neutral territory. I think that when you're out like that, it's easier to have a rational conversation, not to mention the fact that you'll both have had time to formulate what you want to convey.

 

Whatever course of action you take, I wish you luck! I'll keep you and your family in my prayers!

[Unicorn.]

If he was abused as a child, and he consideres it "sick", then he still has unresolved issues that need to be dealt with. My ds (who will be 12 in two months) has slept w/ us for the last 2 nights. Granted, it has been a few years since he has done this, but his dog just died.

 

Sometimes, kids just need to be close to their parents-for comfort!

 

It's called love. It's not the same as what your dh experienced, and he needs to know that. Please encourage him to seek counseling.