At risk of coming off as a total jerk, I have a question about friends....

[Just a Jen in Mississippi]

Have any of you ever dealt with someone that you really don't want to be good friends with who won't just let you be? There's someone I met through homeschooling who I would really like if she didn't constantly put me on the spot with wanting my kid to come home with them, go somewhere with them, etc. I'm always saying no, not because I don't want her to, but because it goes against what we feel is right for our family. One week I helped her at her house for several hours and our kids were able to play. As we were getting in the car and saying goodbye, she asked if one of my kids could stay longer. I said yes reluctantly, but drove away ticked at myself for the inconvenience that was now going to put on myself and for the fact that I didn't want to leave her there! It seems to me that she feels her kids have to have friends over at all times, even when it's an inconvenience to her. I'm the opposite of that. I think my kids get along better and have better attitudes with less play-dates. And we value our down time and want to actually have time to do school. But, I've been pressured to let my kid go with her many times, going against what my instincts were saying.

 

I don't like how much her kid gets to spend on the computer unmonitored (in her room) and that's all the girl wants to do when my kid is over there. The kid also wants to shut themselves up in a room to have privacy. That's been tried out my house too with said kid and I was able to set the rules, but I don't like how out of control I feel with my daughter going over there. I also have felt irritated with her kid's jealously when my kid talks to other kids at different events. I had to put a stop to the emails because it was upsetting my daughter. She was being very pushy (like her mother!). As a side note, I did check out Queen Bees and Wannabees and will be reading that this week!

 

Tomorrow we are going bowling with the homeschool group and this woman called today asking if we were going and if my kid could come over to their house afterwards. Why can't the kids just visit together at bowling?? Why isn't that enough? She even pulls this after hours of park day play together....."Can Kate come over for a few hours when we leave here?" Why? I hate being put on the spot and find myself wanting to avoid her. Am I just being unreasonable and too controlling?? I need to understand this. I told her today that I would have to get back to her about that because I didn't know what tomorrow held for us (the truth) and frankly, I needed a moment to think. THEN she wanted to know if she could pick up my dog tomorrow and bring him to her house for her dog's birthday party tomorrow. I kid you not! I said flat out NO. Her dog humps her kids the whole time he is in the backyard. He's a big outdoor dog with no obedience what-so-ever (my youngest dd had a claw mark to the fact to prove that and I had muddy pants trying to reach her in the yard) and my dog is a very pampered inside dog. I have no interest in my dog going over there without his owners!!! I would be devastated if he got loose or injured and being a bigger dog himself (a boxer), he is not always easy to handle in exciting situations. I'm way to protective of him and my kids!! Again, why? Why would you want to pick up someone else's big dog and take him to your house??? I don't get it.

 

So, I know I'm opening myself up to criticism. I genuinely feel uncomfortable here. I just want to see and visit with her and her kids at events and park days without constantly having to tell her no all the time to all this other stuff that we don't want to do. You would think she would eventually get the picture, but this has gone on for a year now. I'm not losing sleep over it or anything, but I just don't know how to deal with people appropriately. I'm torn between not wanting to hurt her feelings and just wanting to be left alone (or my kid being left alone). She has a business and multiple phone numbers so I'm usually caught off guard when she calls and I always brace myself when I hear it's her. I KNOW what's coming. There's always strings and not just a pleasant phone call. I wouldn't mind doing stuff as a family with her family, even going to to eat with them or the like, but I'm not sure if that will help or hurt my case for a little more boundary with her. And I don't know how to say that I don't want my child going over to her house without the rest of us when she's been allowed to on several occasions. I just want space and with summer quickly approaching, I won't have school as my excuse to get home. Anyone else ever been in a situation like this? Even if you relate to her, I'd like to hear another side. It puzzles me. And annoys me. It may just be hard for me because I hate saying no. And it's hard for me to verbalize nicely why I'm saying no, especially without hurting her feelings. Anyway, I could give more and more examples but I'll stop now. I think you can get the picture. Thanks for "listening".

[Tammyla]

I want this to sound very encouraging because for me, Pushy people are so draining. However, you need to work on saying no without a good reason, guilt or anything. It's OK, not to have a good reason:hurray:. Even if you have to write this down on a sticky and keep it on your phone..."No, I'm sorry we can't." Then pass that bean dip.:001_huh: Once she gets realizes you aren't going to say yes, or be worn down:smash:...She will move on.:auto: I think some people need very clear boundaries. I want to recommend a book, but I'm blanking on the title. Anyone?

[Myrtle]

THEN she wanted to know if she could pick up my dog tomorrow and bring him to her house for her dog's birthday party tomorrow. I kid you not! I said flat out NO. Her dog humps her kids the whole time he is in the backyard. He's a big outdoor dog with no obedience what-so-ever (my youngest dd had a claw mark to the fact to prove that and I had muddy pants trying to reach her in the yard).

 

Wow.

 

The Griswolds homeschool. :ack2:

[Just a Jen in Mississippi]

I want this to sound very encouraging because for me, Pushy people are so draining. However, you need to work on saying no without a good reason, guilt or anything. It's OK, not to have a good reason:hurray:. Even if you have to write this down on a sticky and keep it on your phone..."No, I'm sorry we can't." Then pass that bean dip.:001_huh: Once she gets realizes you aren't going to say yes, or be worn down:smash:...She will move on.:auto: I think some people need very clear boundaries. I want to recommend a book, but I'm blanking on the title. Anyone?

 

Is the book Boundaries? If so, I've requested it from my library and am waiting on it. If this isn't it and you think of it, let me know. I'm just not good at it. I can say no, but then I stew over it for longer than I need to.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

How does your dc feel about spending time with them? Is this something that your dc enjoys? I am not criticizing here. I am just asking. I understand the need for less. I hate being put on the spot. I hate being around pushy people.

 

Sometimes I do have to go out of my comfort zone for my kids. I can't always keep saying no for no good reason other than I just don't want to. I'm not saying you do this -- just an example of ME.

 

In the future, for the times when you are at events together and she asks, can you just say that you are not an on the fly person and need pre-planning. You have things to do at home. So without advance notice, all requests on the fly will have to be no. Would that work -- to issue a blanket statement like that? ETA: Unless you want to NEVER get together again. Then ignore said statement.

 

And also, HUGS! I totally hate conflict or confrontation. It turns me inside out.

[FlockOfSillies]

then it's best to consistently say no. The few times you said yes gave her encouragement. ("Maybe this time she'll say yes!) Don't beat yourself up over this. I'm the same way about saying no. "Gee, let's sign up for constant conflict we'd rather avoid! Woo hoo!" :glare: Uhh, no.

 

And when she asks "Why not?" for the 50th time, you have my permission to tell her that she's too pushy and she monopolizes your time. But don't tell anyone I said that. It's just between us, 'K? :lol:

[Alenee]

You don't have to have a reason...a simple no will suffice. I find it interesting how people like this woman have a knack for latching on to people who have a hard time saying no. It's as if they DO recognize this about themselves so they pick an easy target. (obviously these are needy people who need a friend to help them understand but...) I have a friend who is going through this. She hasn't told this woman about our moms trip to convention because she doesn't want her tagging along. The woman up and moved a block away from my friend and now pops in whenever she feels like it, expecting to be served.

 

You have to put up boundaries. It's as simple as that. And if you feel you have enough gusto, go ahead and gently tell her your issues. I also find it very frustrating that we rarely sit the other person down and explain why we are putting up this boundary. Sure it may be tough for the day when we finally do it, but wouldn't it be easier to just get it over with rather than dragging it on and on for months (in your case over a year) at a time?

 

By no means am I saying this is easy...in fact it's very very draining. I'm praying for you Jen. :grouphug:

[WTMCassandra]

First of all, (((Jen))) I don't think you sound mean at all. I do have some suggestions:

 

Why not say something like you've been going and doing so much that you want to focus on downtime this summer and your children won't be available to go to their house. That if you decide to go to an event now and then, you will be glad to see her, but you won't be available to get together outside of that. Just say it's time for your family to "circle the wagons" and spend more time together, that you've gotten out of balance. Say that you'll reassess in the fall. Say that it's not personal but that you need some "space."

 

Then see what she does/how she reacts.

 

If she is just clueless, but means well, she will give you space.

 

If she is boundary-challenged, but means well, she will hound you some. Say no--use the broken record technique. Say no to EVERYTHING for a while. See if she stops.

 

If she stops, use the summer to BREATHE and think through your relationship with her and see where you want to go.

 

If she is truly pushy in a bad way, she won't stop. At that point I would either block her number or tell her point-blank that the friendship isn't working out for you.

 

(((Jen))), let the bad feelings help give you energy to effect change. It's OK not to let people push you into compromising your children. You have "hive permission."

[Just a Jen in Mississippi]

How does your dc feel about spending time with them? Is this something that your dc enjoys? I am not criticizing here. I am just asking. I understand the need for less. I hate being put on the spot. I hate being around pushy people.

 

Sometimes I do have to go out of my comfort zone for my kids. I can't always keep saying no for no good reason other than I just don't want to. I'm not saying you do this -- just an example of ME.

 

In the future, for the times when you are at events together and she asks, can you just say that you are not an on the fly person and need pre-planning. You have things to do at home. So without advance notice, all requests on the fly will have to be no. Would that work -- to issue a blanket statement like that?

 

Honestly, my child feels very similar to the way I feel about the mother. She likes the girl but also feels uncomfortable around her a lot. Once the gal asked my daughter her opinion on a subject that my dd didn't feel comfortable talking about (through email). My dd asked my opinion about it and I encouraged her just to say that she didn't feel comfortable talking about that. The gal wouldn't take no for an answer....major pushiness. The girl isn't a bad kid, really. But my dd doesn't have the same desire to be "BFF's" or anything.

 

I'm the same way with having to go out of my comfort zone for my kids. But to me, going bowling tomorrow is out of my comfort zone!:lol: But you are so right. I really do have to push myself sometimes.

 

I'll have to work on the "on-the-fly" thing. I'm SOOOO bad at stuff like that. I'm a total sucker.

[Deece in MN]

Well, I think you have every right to feel the way you do and you don't sound mean at all.

 

Here are 2 suggestions off the top of my head.

 

1. Talk to her openly and honestly about how you feel and what you are willing to give to the relationship. You would love to meet at park days and such, but that you don't want your dc going anywhere after that. Be sweet but firm and keep the focus on you and your families priorities.

 

2. If this would be difficult, come to terms with the fact that you will have to say "no" to her requests and continue to do so without explanation. You have to be consistent with this though and not give in because she will continue to ask on the off chance that you will say "yes". This would involve you having to change the way you react/feel about her requests and about how you react/feel when you say "no".

 

It is a hard situation to be in. I do think that friendships/relationships should not be bothersome and if they are (whether it is a little or a lot) then you need to do what you can to change that. Sometimes that will include risking the friendship. My #1 above would probably risk the friendship you have going while #2 would preserve it somewhat, but you would have to adjust to how responding with "no" all the time makes you feel.

 

I hope this makes sense and if you don't choose either route that it will at least give you something to think on that may spark other thoughts/options.

 

HTH (at least a little bit :))

[teamturner]

I don't think you should feel guilty at all! It is possible that she wants your child to come over all the time so her child is entertained and she can be left alone to do her work. I think you said she has a home business or works from home. Plus, she may think that if your child comes over then her child will come over to you house and child care problem is solved even better on that day! I agree that it's insane to expect the kids to play when they've just spent hours playing already. Plus, I would not like it at all if the two girls were alone with a computer unsupervised or other kind of media viewing. Overall, it sounds like you have very different parenting styles and rules for your kids so it's really not a good match. Perhaps, if your dd does want do spend time with her dd it should always be at your house! If she doesn't take the hint after all your many "no's", then I'd say something to her along the lines of...."We really like to keep our activities to a minimum so we can have time for family and things we need to get done." Keep it short and unemotional. Follow your instincts!

[sweetbaby]

Hi, Jen! I'm don't know who you are speaking of but I had to just laugh a little because I know ya. Ha! I'm picturing you in those moments, girl and how you are trying to squirm out of them. I would just tell her that you would love for your dds to play together but you have to find balance. Tell her that your family has other activities going on and you don't want to neglect those activities nor your important family time together. I know it's easier said than done but just look her into the eyes and stand firm.:glare: Now, I'm going to watch you at bowling tomorrow. LOL!:smilielol5:Just kidding! (NOT!) See ya, girl!

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Honestly, my child feels very similar to the way I feel about the mother. She likes the girl but also feels uncomfortable around her a lot. Once the gal asked my daughter her opinion on a subject that my dd didn't feel comfortable talking about (through email). My dd asked my opinion about it and I encouraged her just to say that she didn't feel comfortable talking about that. The gal wouldn't take no for an answer....major pushiness. The girl isn't a bad kid, really. But my dd doesn't have the same desire to be "BFF's" or anything.

 

I'm the same way with having to go out of my comfort zone for my kids. But to me, going bowling tomorrow is out of my comfort zone!:lol: But you are so right. I really do have to push myself sometimes.

 

I'll have to work on the "on-the-fly" thing. I'm SOOOO bad at stuff like that. I'm a total sucker.

 

 

Please don't think I am telling you that YOU have to push yourself. I definitely have to do that for ME. If you are like me in that way and feel that would benefit you, then, great, it was all my idea:D

 

I went out of my zone on SUnday. We went to an amusement park. I rode rides that I did not want to get on, but I decided to be brave for my kids. You know what? I had a blast! I was surprised! So sometimes, it is a good thing and sometimes you should listen to the pulling back part.

 

I don't have a good way to "ditch" the cling-ons other than a nice smile along with a constant stream of No thank yous!

 

I don't like crowds. I don't like "group activities" in general either. I get what you are saying because that's me in a lot of ways! Good luck dear.:grouphug:

[Natalieclare]

A couple of my friends have always handled their family time management with a grace I admire. One friend simply says, "Now, let me think this through....oh, I'm sorry; that doesn't work for our family right now." She offers no excuses, no reasons. She just states what she is able to do...or not.

 

Another friend wanted to make a radical shift in the way they managed their days. The parents felt their kids were choosing not to befriend one another, always waiting for their play dates. For a season, they chose to limit their activities across the board to family activites. So, the mom dropped out of book club; dad stopped poker night; kids quit play dates. They were still *very* hospitible; they just did the whole family thing. It was a bit of a shock at first, especially to people outside the homeschooling community, but she said the dividends have been MORE than worth any outsider's negativity.

 

It sounds like you really value your family time. Is it possible to present to this person that you are getting back to your roots with family time as a premium and everything else is on hold for a while?

[Just a Jen in Mississippi]

Gosh, I really appreciate the words of wisdom I've received so far. I'm taking it to heart and I do know that I have to work on some things.......or get used to saying no without any guilt or without reason. I have a reason. I shouldn't have to reevaluate this every time she calls. I probably should do better about inviting her dd over (she's not a bad kid), but I'm scared of encouraging this. She has had issues with other women in the homeschool group and has alienated herself somewhat (she sent a snarky letter to the homeschool email group about how unfriendly everyone was about two years ago). She thinks it's the people in this area though. She is not from here and just thinks everyone is unfriendly to her. I've felt sorry for her and that's when I let down my guard. I knew from the 2nd time I met her to be aware (though I didn't know why), but then I......tried to be friendly. Sigh. If she treats them like she treats me, that's the problem. I think people here are plenty friendly, but we want to maintain our own life too! And the thing is, when she's not putting me on the spot, I like her.

[Mesa]

I feel your pain, only the woman thats doing this to me isnt someone I want to be friends with. She has different standards than I have, different parentng styles, different religion etc etc.

Trying to say no to her is nearly impossible. She even asks to borrow money, which is really uncomfortable considering she never pays it back.

[Just a Jen in Mississippi]

Another friend wanted to make a radical shift in the way they managed their days. The parents felt their kids were choosing not to befriend one another, always waiting for their play dates. For a season, they chose to limit their activities across the board to family activities. So, the mom dropped out of book club; dad stopped poker night; kids quit play dates. They were still *very* hospitable; they just did the whole family thing. It was a bit of a shock at first, especially to people outside the homeschooling community, but she said the dividends have been MORE than worth any outsider's negativity.

 

It sounds like you really value your family time. Is it possible to present to this person that you are getting back to your roots with family time as a premium and everything else is on hold for a while?

 

You know, I read a book that encourages this and I do tend to lean towards that side of things. We so much enjoy a few outside activities, one of which I coordinate, which is park day. I love the fellowship with others and so do my kids. We go on the occasional field trip, my kids take piano and have friends there that they adore, and we go to church. We also regularly get together with our extended family and occasionally we like to have dinner as families with friends. But I guess I just have a problem with the routine of singling out one of us from the rest of the pack (for the sole purpose of playing). I know some think very differently on that and that's OK by me. But for us, I prefer family activities. My kids just seem to thrive better with that arrangement and we as parents are more comfortable that way. I wish I was a strong enough person to have held my convictions the very first time she asked me at park day to bring my dd home with her (and by the way, they were left by themselves that very first time while she ran an errand. They were 11 at the time and I was not happy about that.) I don't understand myself sometimes and I should be more concerned with figuring myself out than her!

[Julpost]

I'd like to know the title of that book, this is something I would like to move toward. I've definately noticed that the more time my dc spend with peers, the worse their behavior with their sibs and us. We have such a great time as a family. I just wish we didn't have the pressure to have so many playdates, it gets wearisome.

[Puma Mom]

Practice saying no nicely. Get your dh to role-play with you. "No, sorry, but that's not going to work. So...will we see you at bowling tomorrow? Great!" Over and over again as many times as you have to say it.

 

If she presses you for why you never say yes, you tell her. "You know, dh and I have decided that we're going to limit individual play dates. We really enjoy the time that we do spend with friends, but we're going to limit play time to group activities. I know that might sound radical to some, but we think it's best for us for right now. So...will we see you at bowling tomorrow? Great!"

[Trivium Academy]

and there was a point made about hurting and harming a person. Having a conversation with her about how these events are outside your comfort zone will not harm her, it may hurt her feelings but (as the book says) being hurt can be a motivator for change in a person.

 

Instead of avoiding, try being proactive about this and tell her your limitations, which are really your family's limitations. You can say no one final time and just enforce without guilt every time thereafter.

 

"I'm glad that the kids enjoy each other's company but once it's time to go home, we prefer to go as a family."

 

About the closed door, computer thing- I wouldn't allow that at all while visiting, no matter what their rules are. I would tell my daughter that she needs to either go outside or stay in the same room as me, no exceptions. I would have a private conversation with my daughter about this to make sure she understands the situation and how to properly respond when she is faced with a situation she knows is against my wishes.

 

I just had this problem today, I allowed my dd7 to go to a neighbor's house to play where she usually plays outside with the other child. She comes home all happy saying that she got to watch a certain movie that I clearly told her just this past week that I didn't want her to watch. We had a conversation about how our rules follow her everywhere, even if we're not there. I also told her that if someone suggests watching a movie or getting on a computer she is to call me or make me aware of the situation.

 

I hope you find peace in whatever you choose to do,

[Kate CA]

I think it is important to remember that it is always OK to say no to a playdate. It is always OK to protect your child from a pushy child especially if your own child does not know how to handle it. It sounds like this mother and daughter are pretty similar and it sounds like you and your daughter are too.

 

From reading your posts I get the feeling that you really want to be kind and that you sometimes enjoy this woman's company, but that you have your limits. This is OK! :) With that said, it is also important that you set your own limits and that you stick to them. In other words, you have to live what you believe about relationships with others or it is not really OK to complain about them. We create our own problems a good deal of the time--I have done this countless times so I know what I am talking about. LOL

 

I am not trying to be critical of you, but I am trying to be honest. You have to fix what you have allowed to happen and it might not happen without this person's feelings being hurt. I would encourage you to use some of the phrases that others have mentioned - that you are reevaluating your playdate time and that you have decided to spend more time just as a family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If she pushes you for more information I would probably decline to state it all unless she was relentless since really, you are party to the problem. If you allow the playdates to happen when you don't want them then you cannot be upset about it when she calls for more, you know?

 

Anyway, I am pretty sure I know how you are feeling since I have done this to myself as well as have had to deal with people calling to have individual playdates--and we don't do that. It is hard to have a backbone sometimes as I don't like hurting others or saying no on a regular basis. I feel badly about it, but we have to live what we believe or think is right for our family. It is difficult sometimes and very uncomfortable.

 

I hope you can right the situation without hurting feelings and that you can get to a place with your friend that you find comfortable. :)

 

ETA: For what it is worth, you do not sound like a jerk at all. :)

 

[lori in tx]

Jenn

are we talking about the same person, if you were in Tx I would swear we were. My friend told me that my dd needs to have a play date with her dd, and that dh should drive 1 hour in the wrong direction on the way to an interview to drop dd off. YEAP. No advice because obviously I am still in the thick of it but I can give you a :grouphug:

 

Ohh and I have been reading Boundarys also, and it is a great book. I will read it again after this friendship is dissolved because right now it is making me mad at all the stupid tactics I have fallen for:confused: I think it should be require reading for all hsing moms.

blessings

lori in tx who really is looking for an island to send all this wonderful Boundaryless friends

[WTMindy]

You sound like me. I almost never do playdates for many of the reasons you described, but mostly because it is inconvenient, and I don't feel the need. I say no way more than I say yes, the only difference is that I don't have a pushy person in my life. If I did, I would probably just say something like, "I'm sorry I always seem to be saying no to you. We just don't do very many outings. Please don't take it personally, but we just don't have a lot of time for playdates and it has never been a priority for our family." I don't have any great advice, but just wanted to let you know you aren't the only one that doesn't do many playdates.

[Peri]

Yeah ... I hear you loud and clear. Unfortunately for me, its my DH that's like that. I'll give you an example: We'll have a picnic with a family. I think that's great and wonderful but after 4-6hrs at a park with frends is enough social time to me. For him, though, he's just got to invite them over after the picnic. I lay right into him in the car. I've got to get the kids cleaned up, put things away, and not to mention I've got to get cleaned up myself. I like bounaries. I like my privacy. I'd like to be able to say something to DH and then not be able to because company is around and then when they finaly leave, I've either forgotten or I'm too tired.

 

I'm also selective of who I will let my kids play with. I very clearly tell DD that just because me and the parent are friends doesn't mean that she has to be the best of friends with her. She does have to be polite and civil. But by no means does she have to be friends with someone who makes her feel uncomfortable. I will also very clearly let my DD know that if a friend displays behavior I very much disagree with then that friend is not allowed to come over anymore nor is she allowed to go over to her house anymore. For example: DD made friends with this real crazy girl at school when she was attending PS. She came over once and I was appaled when I heard her standing on my porch telling off my neighbors son very loudly. My neighbor's sone was way across the street btw.

[yslek]

 

Instead of avoiding, try being proactive about this and tell her your limitations, which are really your family's limitations. You can say no one final time and just enforce without guilt every time thereafter.

 

 

:iagree:

 

I just attended a lecture this week that largely addressed boundaries. One of the speaker's specific examples was of relationships where one person wants a closer friendship than the other does. She said that we should never do something that we feel pressured/pushed into, as we'll only feel resentment toward that person. Not healthy. So, for example, you're OK with being in group situations with that person but not anything beyond that. EVERY time they ask to do something else, just say "no". Don't explain yourself. According to the lecturer, explaining your reasoning opens you up for negotiation. You don't want to do that! If she does ask "why do you always say no?" let her know that you prefer your relationship to stay as it is (getting together in groups, or whatever you're comfortable with.) If she pushes for your reasons, tell her the truth.:nopity:(I just put that one in 'cause I've always wanted to use it. :)) It may be hurtful, but it's better than lying (actively or passively.) (disclaimer: I'm sooo bad at this! Just passing on what I learned.;))

 

As the speaker said, if you practice this, you may lose some relationships, but you'll never lose a friend.

 

Best of luck to you in this tough situation. I would probably be in the same spot you're in. I have a really hard time with the whole boundaries thing. I want to be kind, and I want to avoid conflict, which doesn't help.

 

(After the lecture I did feel empowered to cancel a sleep study that I was really dreading and knew I didn't need. I had only agreed to it to make my Dr. happy. :) So there is hope for us "softies"!:))

 

Kelsy

[lori in tx]

:iagree:

 

I just attended a lecture this week that largely addressed boundaries. One of the speaker's specific examples was of relationships where one person wants a closer friendship than the other does. She said that we should never do something that we feel pressured/pushed into, as we'll only feel resentment toward that person. Not healthy. So, for example, you're OK with being in group situations with that person but not anything beyond that. EVERY time they ask to do something else, just say "no". Don't explain yourself. According to the lecturer, explaining your reasoning opens you up for negotiation. You don't want to do that! If she does ask "why do you always say no?" let her know that you prefer your relationship to stay as it is (getting together in groups, or whatever you're comfortable with.) If she pushes for your reasons, tell her the truth.:nopity:(I just put that one in 'cause I've always wanted to use it. :)) It may be hurtful, but it's better than lying (actively or passively.) (disclaimer: I'm sooo bad at this! Just passing on what I learned.;))

 

As the speaker said, if you practice this, you may lose some relationships, but you'll never lose a friend.

 

Best of luck to you in this tough situation. I would probably be in the same spot you're in. I have a really hard time with the whole boundaries thing. I want to be kind, and I want to avoid conflict, which doesn't help.

 

(After the lecture I did feel empowered to cancel a sleep study that I was really dreading and knew I didn't need. I had only agreed to it to make my Dr. happy. :) So there is hope for us "softies"!:))

 

Kelsy

 

Kelsy

who was the lecture by?

thanks

lori in tx who is a softy too

[Sandra314]

First and foremost, you are not a jerk for feeling this way. I think we all have run into a pushy friend at one time or another in our lives.

 

I used to be "yes" person and I felt guilty over agreeing to something I did not want to do in the first place. Having said that, I know I set myself up for it and I could not blame anyone but myself. I told someone the truth about how I felt about them intruding on my family life.

 

I think you have put yourself through enough with this person and her family.

You need to be honest with yourself and tell yourself that it's okay to feel this way and that you are entitled to your family time. Don't let this person tread over you and your family.

[Just a Jen in Mississippi]

Again, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I was a little worried about venting here for the remote possibility she would see my picture (though she has told me that she doesn't visit here) and know I was saying this instead of telling her directly. It's really helped get my head around the problem.....which is my problem. And some of you are so right in that I'm the one that has set this up in this way by saying yes at times instead of being able to be firm in my convictions. I should never flip-flop. I really dislike this about myself and do want to change that. It's ridiculous that I've never learned to communicate to others in situations like this. I wish I could look her in the eye and be firm but I'll be a tongue tied mess. I'll be praying about it. Thank you all again. :grouphug:

[WyoSylvia]

I probably should do better about inviting her dd over (she's not a bad kid), but I'm scared of encouraging this. She has had issues with other women in the homeschool group and has alienated herself somewhat (she sent a snarky letter to the homeschool email group about how unfriendly everyone was about two years ago). She thinks it's the people in this area though. She is not from here and just thinks everyone is unfriendly to her. I've felt sorry for her and that's when I let down my guard. I knew from the 2nd time I met her to be aware (though I didn't know why), but then I......tried to be friendly. Sigh. If she treats them like she treats me, that's the problem. I think people here are plenty friendly, but we want to maintain our own life too! And the thing is, when she's not putting me on the spot, I like her.

 

I agree with all the posts about saying no. I'm sure from your posts that you will be more than polite but, reading what you wrote about her, I believe you need to prepare yourself. She will not like it when you do it. She is probably not very good in the people skills department but finds it easier to blame others. (Has anyone else found everyone in your area to be unfriendly?) Please don't let this dissuade you though because, having dealt with people like this many times, the only way you can possibly make her happy is to keep making yourself unhappy and uncomfortable.

 

Just say no and get it done with.

Sylvia