How to prepare for possibility of separation and single living with kids?

[Night Elf]

My DH and I are not exactly seeing eye to eye on many things and our marriage is beginning to suffer. I'm not saying it's hopeless but I would like to know I have plans in place should I need them. I'm 40, mom of 3 children, and my last job was a clerical position 7 years ago. I have no idea where my old resume is nor do I have any hope of reconstructing it because I simply cannot remember the particulars of jobs I held 20 years ago! I don't want to separate and divorce. But I don't want to stay in an unhappy situation because I don't think I can make it on my own. I don't have religious connections, and my family is unable to help because they are all barely making it themselves.

 

So how would I start over again at this point? How do I apply for jobs without being able to talk about my past employment history? How do I rent a place with no job or money? I'm sure it's possible, but I have no idea where to even begin! What would you suggest to someone in my position?

[Rich with Kids]

My DH and I are not exactly seeing eye to eye on many things and our marriage is beginning to suffer. I'm not saying it's hopeless but I would like to know I have plans in place should I need them. I'm 40, mom of 3 children, and my last job was a clerical position 7 years ago. I have no idea where my old resume is nor do I have any hope of reconstructing it because I simply cannot remember the particulars of jobs I held 20 years ago! I don't want to separate and divorce. But I don't want to stay in an unhappy situation because I don't think I can make it on my own. I don't have religious connections, and my family is unable to help because they are all barely making it themselves.

 

So how would I start over again at this point? How do I apply for jobs without being able to talk about my past employment history? How do I rent a place with no job or money? I'm sure it's possible, but I have no idea where to even begin! What would you suggest to someone in my position?

 

{{{Night Elf}}} Remember that he is responsible for part of their care. You would have that. You could tutor or substitute teach. There is plenty of assistance out there. There are programs in your community that can help. It doesn't matter if you believe the same. Don't lose hope, either. Maybe if he knew you are even considering this, he might be willing to make more of an effort. This is just my opinion based on what you've shared. You say you're not religious, but I'll be praying for you. It can't hurt, right? :grouphug:

[Brigitte]

You might check out working for one of the work at home call centers like Live Ops. Good Morning America did a segment a while back on working for companies like that to help make ends meet. So, it should be legit.

 

I hope everything works out as it should.

 

Brigitte

[Danestress]

Most will do a consultation with you for a fee. Take as much information as you can - information about debt, income, your home, accounts. Ask questions about what you can expect in your jurisdiction regarding child support, custody/visitation, alimony, debt, etc. It really really is worth the fee to know what the law provides, rather than just to speculate.

[pmegan]

It sounds as though this is something that you are seriously considering, but are not rushing to do? Do you feel that you have time to maybe take a few classes as a local college? Most have some sort of "certificate" program that is only a few classes. It would also give you access to the college's career office.

[OnTheBrink]

Most will do a consultation with you for a fee. Take as much information as you can - information about debt, income, your home, accounts. Ask questions about what you can expect in your jurisdiction regarding child support, custody/visitation, alimony, debt, etc. It really really is worth the fee to know what the law provides, rather than just to speculate.

 

Many many family law attorneys will do a half-hour consultation for free. Mine did; I know 3 other divorced people who all had different attorneys and their initial consults were free.

 

You can be legally separated and get alimony and child support. It doesn't mean you HAVE to divorce.

 

I hope you and your dh can work things out and reconcile. :grouphug:

[Night Elf]

This is not something I'd rush into, especially since I've been through it once before. I would absolutely consult an attorney if I do decide to separate. I'm really hoping it won't come to that. I'm just thinking about getting a job. Maybe I should just be upfront with a possible employer, explaining I've been out of the workforce for 7 years to be home with my children. Of course even thinking about what type of job I can get is scary. My skills are probably old school compared to current technology. I wonder what Barnes & Noble or a daycare center would pay. It could be a start at least.

[KidsHappen]

Is it a possibility? Especially if things are not already hopeless. If there is still hope then I would do everything within my power to fix things if at all possible and to prepare for all eventualities. I would at least get a part time job now. It is better to get the job and start building some current work experience. Then if you later need to, you can maybe move up to full time work. Do you have any college? Any possibility of starting some classes now? Do you have a work wardrobe? Childcare in place? There are so many things to consider that I would suggest sitting down and make a list and a plan. Try to think through the day to day life if you were alone. What would you need to do? So sorry that things are rough right now. Wishing you peace and comfort as you try to come up with a solution.

[Liz CA]

This is not something I'd rush into, especially since I've been through it once before. I would absolutely consult an attorney if I do decide to separate. I'm really hoping it won't come to that. I'm just thinking about getting a job. Maybe I should just be upfront with a possible employer, explaining I've been out of the workforce for 7 years to be home with my children. Of course even thinking about what type of job I can get is scary. My skills are probably old school compared to current technology. I wonder what Barnes & Noble or a daycare center would pay. It could be a start at least.

 

have you considered marriage counseling? You could put it to him in such a way that it sounds like you think you need some pointers. That may make him more willing to go. In the end, usually both people benefit anyway.

 

In response to searching for jobs, a certificate program sounds like good advice. Some of these programs last only a year or 18 months but they will update your skills quickly and show a prospective employer that you took the necessary steps to get up to speed. Oh, and really it's not like things have changed so much. I just re-entered the job market after 5 years. Old-fashioned common sense and good client care are still in demand.

[JennifersLost]

If separation/divorce becomes a reality (and hopefully it won't), here are my suggestions:

 

1. Think about taking a two year accounting program at the local community college - there's always a need and lots of women "do the books" for a couple of small companies on their own time at home.

 

2. Don't work for a daycare center - you'll get minimum wage at best. Do open your own home daycare. Often, taking two full-time kids plus whatever child support you get will cover the bills. You can do daycare even in apartments. If you end up in an apartment, advertise yourself as someone who only cares for babies. You can charge top dollar and then they move on when they get too big for your space. The other benefits are huge - you get to stay with your kids, you don't pay for childcare of your own and you can write off a ton of expenses.

 

3. Don't be afraid of things like living in a small place, not having expensive toys, etc. The time I spent as a single mom was very hard, but it's also one of the most special times of my life because my kids and I were such a tight-knit family. It can be beautiful as well.

 

On the other hand, know that many if not all married people get extremely irritated with their spouses and fall in and out of love many times over the years. Sometimes the trick is to let yourself feel what you're feeling. Fantasize about the divorce. Fantasize about living a totally different life. Fantasize about the perfect new spouse you'd somehow find. Just keep it to yourself. Let a few weeks go by. Add something new and spicy to your life that isn't an affair - try a class or something completely different - maybe even something that scares you. Because you might just really be bored, you know?

 

After a few weeks you might find yourself perfectly happy with your life and spouse again. We're all just human. It happens.

[kate in seattle]

I wonder what Barnes & Noble or a daycare center would pay. It could be a start at least.

 

I work at a Borders (in an airport) and started at $10.21/hur. It was bit higher than normal because I had "so much book knowledge' according to my boss. All I had done in the last 18 years was stay at home, homeschool and read! Within three months I was promoted and got a raise. And I am still home with my kids during the weekdays. But I do have full support of dh to make it work. I'm in a metropolitan area, don't know how that figures in to pay rates. Also, only need to work 32 hrs/week to be full time, health care benefits and participate in 401(k)

[Sahamamama]

... you wrote that:

 

"Of course even thinking about what type of job I can get is scary. My skills are probably old school compared to current technology. I wonder what Barnes & Noble or a daycare center would pay. It could be a start at least."

 

If it comes down to you needing a job, you might want to check out a temporary agency. The reason for this is that some will provide a "test" of your clerical/computer skills -- then they will train you on the latest programs. They want to put people in place who have the skills needed for the job.

 

Another possibility for upgrading your skills might be a free library or community college program. Some libraries have speakers/trainers come in to teach word processing skills.

 

Another possibility might be this: Enroll is one class at a local college AND THEN you could use all the other resources provides by the college -- career counseling center, computer lab, library, perhaps free workshops.

 

You should NOW test and apply for a state and county job. Usually, you have to take a test (only offered on certain dates), then you get a score and get put on a list. Getting hired off the list can take time, so begin the process now.

 

State jobs usually come with decent benefits and time off. There are guides at your library for studying for each test. You could ask your reference librarian -- explain what's going on, if you feel comfortable doing that, and you might get lots of guidance at the library.

 

As for the state job, if you do get hired, there are lots of training opportunities available at your employer's expense/time on the job, so you would be able, over the years, to upgrade your skills/get promoted.

[Maura in NY]

You could try GFCLearnFree.org. They have 3 week online classes in Word, Excel, Powerpoint, etc. (You get CEU credits for these) or you can just use the online tutorials. I only took a quick peak at these -- I'm planning to have my 9th grader go through them this summer -- but they look promising.

 

I second JennifersLost's comments about falling in and out of love. I've been together with my dh for 25 years, and married for nearly 20 of them. Every rough patch used to feel like the end of the road; now I know that it's a dip, or a pothole, but we'll come out of it and keep on going. Maybe that's how this will turn out. But I think you're smart to be thinking ahead.

 

Maura

[Night Elf]

You people rock! I really appreciate all the wonderful wisdom. I've been married 12 years and this is not the first rough patch we've gone through, but it is the first that has been so icky (how's that for a good descriptive word?) that I even thought of separation.

 

I laughed at Jennifer's suggestion of fantasizing of life on my own. I have done that, and guess where I ended up?? As a crazy old hermit cat lady. I picture myself in a small apartment with 11 cats and no life outside the home. I suppose that's a sign of low self esteem. :) But I surely can't fantasize about another marriage. I feel totally done. This is my 2nd marriage and if it doesn't work out, then I believe I'm meant to be single.

 

Marriage counseling would be possible. My DH has no problems with seeking counseling help. Part of our issues is my personality. Our son has Asperger's and I think I do too though I've never been formally diagnosed. I do have a general anxiety disorder that I'm taking medication for, but we wonder what else is going with me. Then of course there is the fact that we have an 11 year difference between us. It's never been a problem until the past year. Basically, when he turned 50. He's entering another phase of his life that I'm simply not in yet and it's causing some friction.

 

Today I'm going to do some job hunting. I appreciate all the suggestions and need to think them over carefully. Part of why we were arguing this weekend is because I've been thinking about returning to college. I have his full support. But there is absolutely nothing at college that I want to major in! It's frustrating! He thinks it's an excuse borne totally out of fear. I have over 100 credit hours but no direction for the future. I thought about pushing ahead with early childhood education but I don't know how I would handle the hours when I'd be expected to be working in a school. While my DH works from home 3 days per week, the other 2 days are very problematic as my ds11 really doesn't like being home alone (or with his sister) more than 30 minutes. Of course I could take a very slow track and sign up for only one course, pushing student teaching way down the road until circumstances change. Sometimes it's just too much to think about. I have all these 'What Ifs' running about in my head.

 

So... I'll stop rambling here. I've got to get my dd15 to school and then I'm going to start doing some thinking about ME.

[Jenny in Atl]

Gosh Beth... I have no great advice that has not already been shared. I just have a :grouphug:. I hope all works out no matter what you decide.

[Joanne]

You've gotten great advice. I, as a divorced and remarried mom, just wanted to offer {{hugs}}.

 

Being in a challenging marriage is one of the most vulnerable, scary and wearying "things". Marriage is supposed to be your rock, your soft place to fall, your compansionship and partnering.

 

It's my hope (and, if you don't mind, prayer) that you find that in your current marriage.

[pmegan]

But there is absolutely nothing at college that I want to major in!

 

I know that we all tell our kids to "follow your dreams" and "do what makes you happy" but I think it's important not to lose sight of the fact that this is pretty unrealistic advice, for the most part. Most of us have interests that would never earn us a living wage, and, on the flip side, no 5 year old ever said "when I grow up, I want to be a tax attorney!"

 

Not to be a cold realist, but if you foresee a situation where you're going to have to support yourself and your children, then I think you should think about less what you WANT to do than what major can get you the most bang for your buck. Another poster suggested accounting, and I think that's excellent advice. You might also want to look into Paralegal work: the pay is good, there is high demand for good ones, and I believe some schools even offer it as an AA degree.

 

Take a look at the job market in your area, think about your aptitude, and consider the fact that you will need to get a job right out of (and perhaps during) school... so not a field where a graduate degree is required to get your foot in the door.

[Nestof3]

Night Elf,

 

I strongly urge you to consult a counselor. I also find marriage books to be quite strengthening. I understand not feeling as fulfilled and as happy as you imagined marriage would be, but it would take terribly rough things for me to leave my husband. My happiness and passion for life cannot rest completely on whether my husband is providing everything I want or feel I deserve. Sure, that relationship is part of my life, but it is unfair for my husband to expect me to be the source of his happiness and for me to expect him to be the source of mine. I have to have my own interests, interests shared, friends and so forth.

 

I take the committment we made very seriously. Our children are looking to us to be an example of working through things, of showing that love is a choice, of sticking by someone, of stability. Our oldest son experienced the divorce of his mom and dad, and I am convinced that it is best for the parents to try their hardest to work things out before splitting the family. Too many children are being raised in split-apart families that could probably be mended if true effort were put forth to repair the marriage.

 

My husband is 13 years older than I am, and he will turn 49 this year. I have noticed he has changed somewhat, but I'm sure I will when I approach 50 as well. This is just something I have to understand, just as I expect him to live with me in an understanding way when I'm having hormonal issues, having the blahs, pregnant and so forth. This is part of our agreement to marry. When dating, you can change your mind when you decide you'd prefer another person, or because the person is not as fulfilling anymore. When people are ready to commit to staying together through these duller, more difficult times when things have become rather hum-drum, they marry.

 

Sometimes it helps to find something to enjoy together. Sometimes, going out with a friend once a week can be very helpful. I find it helpful to also think of the many ways I could be different that would make my husband happier. Women tend to complain of discontent more in a marriage -- we usually identify quite readily the areas we find our husbands lacking in. It helps to turn the tables and realize that we are not our husband's dream come true in every area, and yet with the exception of the unfaithful, most husbands are better at choosing to overlook these and still enjoy theie wives. I can list things my husband would probably wish were different about me -- areas in which we are incompatible, yet he still says I'm perfect for him. How is your husband in this? You don't have to answer that here.

 

I also feel very strongly that these thoughts and feelings you are having are ones that need to be shared openly with your husband, meaning that he is aware of your struggles with the marriage before making drastic decisions. You would expect the same courtesy from your husband.

[drama_mama]

I knew divorce was coming several months ago for us. We started talking out loud about how it was going to affect us, our children and finances. I was the one who said the words "I want a divorce". Our divorce has proven far more amicable than the marriage. It is not final as of today but it is close.

 

I started tutoring and offering after school care with homework help soon after realizing that this was a reality. Between this and child support I will do fine. I still intend to homeschool.

 

We are transitioning our kids into their new lives. Initially we told them we were going to be divorced and we both still lived in the house with them. Now we have a small apartment that one of us stays at while the other is at our marital home with the children. In the next few weeks we will start having them go to the apartment a couple times a week with me and then back to the house with either me or their Dad depending on his work schedule. The goal is to end up where I am in the apartment and Dad and his new wife will be staying in the marital home.

 

Initially the thought process was overwhelming and crushing. Staying seemed like a better option just because the alternative seemed scary. It has gotten better, much better.

[Night Elf]

To continue this conversation, let me first say that my DH knows I've posted on this board. He knows I don't have many people to talk with IRL and is trusting I will keep it civil. I have no intention of bashing him in any way.

 

The one thing we've been discussing (turning into arguing) is moving. My husband sees everything as dollar signs in his eyes while I see everything through emotions from my heart. That's probably fairly typical of males and females. We live an hour away from my family and several states away from his family. I have one friend who lives an hour away in the opposite direction of my family. I am feeling so alone and isolated. My dd10 is bored and lonely. My dd15 misses her friends from her old school district which happens to be not far from where my family lives. When she moved in with me 2 years ago from her dad's house it meant a change of schools. After 2 years, she's still as heartbroken as she was when she first moved here. I want to live near my mom, grandmother and sister who all live within mere miles of one another. I want to have dinner with them or hang out to play a game. Instead, I see them every few months because our family life is so hectic with everyone's schedules that it's really hard to get over there. And let's not forget gas prices which has me even consolidating errands.

 

The housing market is really bad. I know. But in my mind, I'm thinking we'd still even out if we sold our house for less than we want because we'd likely be buying a house for less than we imagine. DH, OTOH, can't see selling the house for less than what he feels the house was worth when we bought it plus the increased value it should have gained over the past 3 years. I feel like he's running our family like a business investment and not considering the heart of the matter. He thinks I'm looking at the situation too simply and not allowing for all the complexities of selling/buying real estate. His commute to work would increase as well. I can understand he doesn't like that, but he's only going into the office 2 days per week now. His commute would increase by 30 - 45 minutes. Basically, no matter how we discuss things and what is said, it comes down to him saying that since he's the only working person in the home, that he gets to make the final decision. He truly believes this with all his heart and it doesn't even come from a religious point of view, which is something I could more easily accept. Instead, it's the power of the dollar. He likes to remind all of us that each family member gets one vote for each dollar of income they bring into the home. When I call him on that, he says he's mostly kidding but that in a way he does feel it's true. It's a fundamental difference between us and isn't a huge problem until we have to make a big decision like buying a car or a house.

 

We did go to counseling and talked about that once. It didn't help. He really doesn't understand why that isn't fair. :tongue_smilie:

 

I miss my family. I am stuck in the house. We don't do church. I used to do church by myself but I got tired of being snubbed by people once they found out my husband was unchurched. I couldn't handle the politeness to my face and the talking behind my back, which did get back to me on several occasions in one form or another. But that's a different story.

 

After our last discussion yesterday afternoon, I'm having to choose between staying with him in this house for at least another 2 to 5 years, or moving away without him to be closer to my family. We've had this conversation a few times in the past year and I've always said I wouldn't leave him. The feelings are not getting better though. They are turning into resentment which is really not good for my marriage. Most everyone would probably agree I'm being a baby and need to just deal with it. I truly am trying, but life is only a one time thing. I feel like I'm wasting years of time I could be living and loving happily. It doesn't help that I struggle daily with wanting another child but he doesn't. It's been 7 years of that struggle so adding another heart-wrenching thing on top of it is just really bringing me down.

 

Oh bother, as Winnie the Pooh says. :)

 

Anyway, I mostly started this thread because I feel so out of date when I think of working outside the home. I've managed to avoid it for a few years now because I really don't have to work thanks to my DH's sufficient income. My children love me being home. I'm just so bored! I now take a 3 hour nap every day just because I don't have anything else better to do. I feel so OLD.

 

Thanks for listening. I'm going to finish dinner and eat. And then I'm going to the grocery store where I'm going to buy a few things including a large chocolate cake covered in thick, gooey chocolate icing. Hopefully that will improve my spirit somewhat.

[Joanne]

it comes down to him saying that since he's the only working person in the home, that he gets to make the final decision.

 

{hugs} This would bother me, too, very much. He's distributing power according to who makes income, therefore assigning importance and even relevence to your roles based on gender/daily roles. That would hurt and anger me.

 

 

We live an hour away from my family and several states away from his family. I have one friend who lives an hour away in the opposite direction of my family. I am feeling so alone and isolated. My dd10 is bored and lonely. My dd15 misses her friends from her old school district which happens to be not far from where my family lives. When she moved in with me 2 years ago from her dad's house it meant a change of schools. After 2 years, she's still as heartbroken as she was when she first moved here. I want to live near my mom, grandmother and sister who all live within mere miles of one another. I want to have dinner with them or hang out to play a game.

 

I'd like to suggest you start taking care of YOU. Regardless of what happens with your marriage, you need to develop a rich, full life that nourishes your soul. You'll need that in order to make your marriage work; you'll need that if your marriage doesn't work. Either way, it's imperative.

 

If your husband doesn't understand your need to develop nourishing relationships and spend enriching time, you can go do so anyway.

[Mamagistra]

Aw, (((Beth)))...thick gooey chocolate cake and hugs to you! I will pray that all works out for you and your family. :grouphug:

[Nestof3]

Night Elf,

 

Could you meet up with other homeschoolers in your area? I managed to find homeschoolers from this board to meet with once a month, and now I'm spending more time getting to know Daisychics more because she lives so close. We went to the zoo the other day and met for coffee before that.

 

I understand the need to have friends and family, but I would not give up the husband I was married to in order to be closer to my family. If my husband were willing to leave me in order to be closer to his family, I would be devastated. I don't think your husband is trying to be hurtful, but it IS his job that brings in the money which provides in many ways for the family. I do not think it is unreasonable for the wife to be willing to move where the husband has a job.

 

But, I do think it is important for you to find some fellowship with others. I get very down when I am isolated from others, and I am a person who needs TONS of alone time. It has been very refreshing for me to get out and spend time with others. Just finding one friend can make a world of difference. Have you checked the WTM forum (there's a sub-forum all about meeting up with other homeschoolers)? Do you have any homeschool co-ops or organizations where you could meet people?

 

Do you have a hobby? If I had 3 hours a day to nap, I'd be scrapbooking like a maniac. :D I know of ladies who get together to make cards and scrapbook together. Hobbies can also be very therapeutic when alone. Could you take a class -- art, dance, exercise?

 

If these things are not possible, let me know and I can brainstorm more. I just want you to know that I too have times when I am seriously down in the dumps. There have been times when I've cried to my husband that I just want "one" good friend. Or perhaps a few hours away of adult female conversation (I'm in a house of all males :tongue_smilie:).

[Mandamom]

is to start looking through employment websites to maybe get a feel for what is out there. I like careerbuilder.com because you can get a feel for what employment is needed, approximate salaries and maybe some ideas of some careers you may never have considered. Then if you find a couple of interesting ones, look at the education requirements and see if it might be an option.

 

Good luck as you go through this difficult time.

[Alexandra]

I have a hard time remembering who is who on this board. I sometimes remember that Patty has the fit (walking)mom and Joanne is good at parenting questions but I do remember your posts. When I read them, you strike me as a person who might experience some depression. I remember because you express isolation and sadness. I really hate to post such personal stuff because I certainly don't want to present myself as someone who has it all together (I for sure do not) but I (going out on a limb here) wonder if you might research the possibility of depression. I hate to think of your children having their world torn apart if the main problem in the family is your depression. I am pleading as child of divorce that you consider resolving your personal problems before you put the rest of the family through the gristmill of divorce.

I am writing this under the assumption that you are not suffering through abuse or neglect from your husband.

Sending good thoughts your way.

Alexandra

[Joanne]

I have a hard time remembering who is who on this board. I sometimes remember that Patty has the fit (walking)mom and Joanne is good at parenting questions but I do remember your posts. When I read them, you strike me as a person who might experience some depression. I remember because you express isolation and sadness. I really hate to post such personal stuff because I certainly don't want to present myself as someone who has it all together (I for sure do not) but I (going out on a limb here) wonder if you might research the possibility of depression. I hate to think of your children having their world torn apart if the main problem in the family is your depression. I am pleading as child of divorce that you consider resolving your personal problems before you put the rest of the family through the gristmill of divorce.

I am writing this under the assumption that you are not suffering through abuse or neglect from your husband.

Sending good thoughts your way.

 

Coming from my perspective:

 

1) As the grown daughter of a mom with undiagnosed, untreated depression

2) A sufferer of clinical depression that I myself delayed pharmaceutically treating

3) A mom/wife who suffered in a challenging marriage

 

I completely agree with the above. Depression has many symptoms that are relevent here. Depression prevents you from seeing your world accurately. It prevents you from taking healthy action (making friends, being the parent and wife you'd like to be, good/nurturing self care).

 

There is very little that can be done "for the kids" in living admist either a separation/divorce OR a challenged marriage if one or both adults are depressed.

 

Good post.