Sssh! It's a Secret. Do you tell?

[Puma Mom]

I voted always, but I don't always. More than 'if he needs to know' and less than 'always'. I wouldn't tell him anything that is not important and might make her uncomfortable to know he knows. Or if it were something that might be taken the wrong way without knowing all the context or background or emotion or whatever, I probably wouldn't tell him. There has definitely been some random, unimportant stuff that I told him about.

 

I assume that stuff I tell a friend will be known to her spouse.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

FWIW, DH was turned down for a job with the NSA because he couldn't say, flat out, that he wouldn't talk about work with his wife. Both of us use the other to vent/talk out situations, not because we expect the other to know what to do, but simply because it helps to talk it out (and through they years, we've both gotten a decent grounding in the other's fields). One of DH's co-worker's wives will often call me to find out what's going on when her husband is acting stressed-because she KNOWS DH will tell me, and her husband doesn't want to "upset her", .

 

 

:eek: Wow. I'm glad that your husband was honest with the NSA. I can't imagine basically turning down a job because one spouse isn't comfortable keeping those kinds of secrets. My dh holds a Top Secret security clearance and I know that there is an whole world that goes on behind the scenes to which I am not privy. That's okay. He knows that my job is the same way. When I worked for child welfare it was the same way. One day he realized that I was part of a particular investigation only because my name was shown on some paperwork on the news. He just looked at me like this: :001_huh:.

 

I said, "uh, yeah, that's me." :lol:

 

Sometimes, during particularly bad times at work for both of us we just look at each other and say, "bad...." and the other will say, "yep, bad...."

 

;) And we just know. Part of the 'bad' is not being able to get it out, but at least we each have coworkers we can talk about work with.

[Kari C in SC]

I put I share with my spouse, but the truth is that I will probably also tell my mom. Seriously, they are both my best friends. I tell them everything. I guess I am not a very good secret keeper.

[May]

Dh and I share alot of private conversations with friends but not all. I probably share more then he does. I never worry about him telling others what I share in confidence with him.

[cindergretta]

I don't allow anyone to tell me anything that they don't want my spouse to know. I talk with my dh about anything and everything and I don't want to have to keep track of who said what and what I am allowed to talk about, kwim?

 

I do the same; I don't share things with anyone unless I am Ok with them sharing with their spouse. I don't expect married couples to have to be guarded in their conversations on behalf of people outside the marriage.

[Peela]

It really depends on the secret. I would generally tell my spouse but not necessarily- I might feel he just doesn't need to know and want to keep the friend's confidence. I have no problem keeping a secret from dh in theory, but often cant help myself but tell him anyway :)

[Mommyfaithe]

If someone tells you something in confidence, and specifically asks you not to tell anyone, do you include your spouse as part of "anyone," or do you share everything with your spouse? Do you assume when you share confidences with a friend that they will share with their spouse, or that they won't?

 

Just curious....

 

I used to tell dh everything, but he always forgets if something is a secret and ALWAYS blurts it out.....always...so, I always ask if I could share with my dh first...I guess I would break a confidence if it had something to do with him being harmed in anyway...otherwise I clam up.

 

Faithe

[BMW]

I am purposefully not reading many of the comments, because I am trying to learn not to care so much about what others think (sometimes I wear my feelings on my sleeves... I am practicing being stronger!).

 

So, there are some things that I do not share with dh. Sometimes, in the moment, I keep in mind that he regularly overreacts and goes to worst case scenario. I protect myself from that. I don't know if anyone will "get" that, but it's easier to deal with some things on my own and not have to go through a dramatic reaction and hear all the worst things that could happen. When he should know something, I generally share it with him... I am just choosier as to when I share.

 

We are opposites in this way. His parents are so much like him in this way!

 

I know the question is about "secrets". Well, apply what I just said. I may or may not tell him, depending on what it is and if I would be affected by additional reactions. I know if it is a "secret" he won't discuss it with anyone. I totally trust him in that way.

 

PS He is fairly patient with me and my tendencies in our communication habits... his desire, generally speaking, is to protect me and be tender towards me... I think he understands that I talk much less with him when I am overwhelmed...

[LND1218]

If I tell someone something, I assume spousal inclusion, and if someone tells me something, I tell them I don't keep secrets from dh. There are some exceptions like temporary secrets/surprises - gifts, parties, etc. And there are things I just don't tell dh like female things and whatnot.

 

If it were work related, that is different. Neither of us in currently in a position like that, but we have been before and could be again. In that case, there would/could be secrets.

 

ut otherwise, we don't keep things from each other.

[Britomart]

I always assume any secrets of mine will or may be shared with the person's spouse, and that I'm free to share anything with my husband. In fact, all of my friends who share confidences with me know this (and I know that they share with their spouses), so it doesn't feel sneaky or anything. I'm open with that policy.

 

I answered the "should" one though just because I don't automatically tell my husband everything, only because he's not interested in everything! :) But I would tell him, if he asked, or if I needed help thinking through something, etc. But again, all my friends know this about me.

[Daisy]

I don't keep secrets from my husband but on the flip side I don't feel the need to tell him every time my best friend has an issue with her mother and wants to offload on me either.

 

However, if you are sleeping with my husband's best friend, I'm telling my husband. Period. And you were a fool for having told me unless you wanted him to know.

 

I'm generally opposed to secrets of any kind though. I really hate all that drama.

[Aubrey]

I always share, but if someone has a secret, I usually make sure before they tell me that it's ok to tell dh. So far, everyone's been surprised & said, "Well, of course. Just don't tell anyone else!"

 

Not that I'd *never* keep a secret from him, I just won't agree to w/out knowing what it is.

 

The biggest secrets in my life, though, are little more than friends expecting babies & not ready to tell their kids or church or something. *shrug*

[Desert Rat]

I almost always tell my dh. BUT, I make sure that everyone in my life knows that I always tell dh. They can choose not to share with me if telling my hubby bothers them.

[lionfamily1999]

I always share, but if someone has a secret, I usually make sure before they tell me that it's ok to tell dh. So far, everyone's been surprised & said, "Well, of course. Just don't tell anyone else!"

 

Not that I'd *never* keep a secret from him, I just won't agree to w/out knowing what it is.

 

The biggest secrets in my life, though, are little more than friends expecting babies & not ready to tell their kids or church or something. *shrug*

The first time I read this I thought they said, "Of course, just don't tell anyone" (missed the else) :lol: I was going to say, anyone who's told me a secret has treated dh about the same (duh you're going to tell him, but don't tell anybody!).

 

I don't keep secrets from my husband but on the flip side I don't feel the need to tell him every time my best friend has an issue with her mother and wants to offload on me either.

 

However, if you are sleeping with my husband's best friend, I'm telling my husband. Period. And you were a fool for having told me unless you wanted him to know.

 

I'm generally opposed to secrets of any kind though. I really hate all that drama.

:iagree: with all of the above. I put always, because I don't keep secrets from him, but I'm not running home and saying "Honey guess what's hot today!!!"

[mommaduck]

I assume spousal inclusion, and I also let people know they shouldn't tell me anything they don't want me to tell my dh.

 

:iagree:

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I don't keep secrets from my husband but on the flip side I don't feel the need to tell him every time my best friend has an issue with her mother and wants to offload on me either.

 

However, if you are sleeping with my husband's best friend, I'm telling my husband. Period. And you were a fool for having told me unless you wanted him to know.

 

I'm generally opposed to secrets of any kind though. I really hate all that drama.

 

 

:001_huh: Um....I guess you misunderstood my PM? :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

:tongue_smilie: j/k

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I usually share secrets with my spouse, but not always. Generally, if he doesn't know the person, I'll tell him the secret. It's like telling him about a movie, or a book. Just chit-chat. It doesn't mean anything to him at all that the people are real because he doesn't know them.

 

If he knows the person or persons involved in the secret, I don't tell him. He hates gossip, and would rather not know negative things about people. I keep those secrets.

 

But, I also know that anything I do tell him will absolutely not go any further. He has top secret security clearance, and half of his life is keeping secrets of all sorts. He doesn't talk much anyway, and I've never in twenty years heard him share a confidence about anything, with anyone.

[Miss Sherry]

If someone tells you something in confidence, and specifically asks you not to tell anyone, do you include your spouse as part of "anyone," or do you share everything with your spouse? Do you assume when you share confidences with a friend that they will share with their spouse, or that they won't?

 

Just curious....

Well, if someone says don't tell anyone, I think they literally mean don't tell anyone and would feel betrayed if they knew I told my dh. I tell dh a lot of things, but not if someone said tell no one. He's not interested in girl gossip anyway.

[Miss Sherry]

Only if I have permission from the person confiding in me.

 

I rarely confide in anyone anymore for this reason. I shared some *very personal* information with a friend of mine years ago. It had *nothing* to do with her, her family, her husband. There was no urgent danger or anything of that sort. She knew I wanted it kept confidential. However, she admitted later that she told him anyway because she "needed to talk to someone about it." Um... you could have talked to ME. I was so humiliated. This is info that I really didn't want to get around. Very personal. What she did with her husband was gossip, pure and simple. Just talking about it all these years later... grrrr...

 

This is why I don't tell dh everything. When someone wants something to be confidential I think that means don't tell another person.

 

There are also a few things people have said to me about my dh that I haven't told him. They shouldn't have said it in the first place and I see no point in him hearing hurtful things that weren't meant for his ears anyway. Some things are better left unsaid. I think we should be careful about just unloading things on our dh because we feel we "have" to talk to someone about it. Some things should just be stopped in their tracks.

 

My sister in law told her husband - who is my dh's brother, one thing in particular that our mother in law said about her dh that was very hurtful for him to hear and affected him for years.It even negatively effected his relationship with one of his children. I told her I just would not have even repeated that to my dh. That has been my policy. If it's only hurtful if repeated, don't say it. My mother in law said some odd things over the years and it turned out she was later diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I think her reasoning was effected years before the diagnosis. Some of the hurtful things she said needed not to be repeated.