Ester Maria Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Just out of curiosity. :) Most people will lend things under certain - even if tacit - conditions, such as that they be restored within a reasonable time frame, taken care of, not lended to third parties without prior asking, etc. I was wondering, however, whether there are, etiquette-wise, some "tacit rules" about things you get as a result of them being given away. How would you feel, for example, if you found a book you gave away in a second-hand bookshop? We aren't talking about somebody giving away to somebody else something they got as a result of giving away (the gift still "travelling around" as a gift), but about somebody literally selling for profit (even if minimal) something they were given as a gift, even if that person could have sold it for profit in the first place. Would you find it mildly offensive, even if you gladly gave it away in the first place? Would you feel a bit strange even if you rationally thought that was okay and perfectly legitimate? Would the quantity matter? Selling one book - fine, but selling a hundred (say you were giving away books while reorganizing your library, so you gave away a whole bunch of stuff, or some similar situation) - not fine, as it might imply a bit of a "tangible" profit rather than a truly symbolic one? Do you have some "expectations" when giving away things? Would you find it immoral to financially profit on what was originally a gift to you? Or to you believe any gift is just an item, the moment it becomes yours, you can do all you please with it and the other person shouldn't mind even if you were to use it for barbecue? I don't have any particular situation in mind when asking this, just curious as I discussed it with somebody earlier. One of us was raised within the mentality that "the gift must remain a gift", i.e. it's okay to use it as you like and give it away further, but it's not okay to financially profit from it, and that if you don't know what to do with it you should rather donate it to a library or something and not sell it, while the other one thought there was perfectly nothing objectionable even with selling things you were originally given. What do you think? (Let's assume this is a purely "moral" issue, not one in which one would have an actual need to sell even small items like that because they need money and have no other option, etc.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawana Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Would you feel a bit strange even if you rationally thought that was okay and perfectly legitimate? I have actually thought quite a bit about this issue, and for me, at least, have concluded that I will not seek a profit from the generosity of someone else. At the same time, I understand that someone else might reach an entirely different conclusion. I.e. A gift is a gift, and as such, the disposal of such is entirely up to the recipient. But for myself, for exactly the quoted reason, I will choose to not sell gifts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 I have dealt with this issue on the receiving end. I have a Friend who likes to give me things for dd4. She is so very generous and kind. But, then what do I do with the items if I am done with them? I don't have anyone else to pass them to, so my only option would be donating them. For me, I am okay with selling the item in a second hand store BUT ONLY because I am going to turn around and buy something else with it....thereby the gift is split in to three pieces. piece one: when I sell something used, I am blessing the store, helping them to keep a business going. piece two: the person who purchases the item gets it at a steep discount by buying it in a second hand store. piece three: I receive a small profit, which I use to extend the original gift into something else we need. I have mentioned the idea of selling her items at the same 2nd hand store, and she doesn't like to. She likes to bless people with it. She knows I resell items once I am done with them....she is okay with that. I only accept items that I know I will use from her. I wouldn't accept items, to purposefully resell them. On occasion she will just drop off a box of books, and tell me to get rid of or pass on what I don't want, but usually she asks me to her house to sort through items. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted February 22, 2011 Author Share Posted February 22, 2011 Thank you for your responses. I suppose I'm personally closer to Lawana's attitude (wouldn't mind if somebody else did that, though I might feel uncomfortable doing so myself), though I can certainly see the reasoning in the second one, too (how it makes the whole "chain" going and ultimately everybody profits in a way, and the original giver no longer needs it anyway). I was just curious what were other people's experiences and thoughts on this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) I ideally let it go as soon as I give it. That way there are no complications. I also do not like having any strings attached to anything given to me- once given, it is mine to do with as I choose, including passing it on, selling it etc Thats the way I prefer to operate but I don't think I am callous about it- I don't try and make a profit from gifts- usually if they are sold it is for a minimal amount. My MIL gave us a teapot and 2 cups for Christmas and I know it would have cost her about $50- way overpriced but that is the store she bought it at, trendy- but it is in the for sale pile at the moment and i will probably get $10 for it even though it has never been used. But if someone's bday came up before I sold it, I might gift it instead. Life is too short to be obligating people with our gifts. Edited February 22, 2011 by Peela Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Once a gift is given, that's it. The giver has no say over what the recipient does with said gift, else it's not truly a gift. Strings=manipulation and control issues. That's JMNSHO of course. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Commercial Cleaning, Domestic Cleaning, Brisbane Cleaning. People Power Cleaning – A professional cleaning company dedicated to provide you commercial and domestic cleaning services across Brisbane. Whatever the size of the job, we can provide two, three or more cleaners to provide you a best cleaning service weather it is office cleaning or home cleaning. http://www.peoplepowercleaning.com reported Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Once a gift is given, that's it. The giver has no say over what the recipient does with said gift, else it's not truly a gift. Strings=manipulation and control issues. That's JMNSHO of course. :iagree: It would not bother me a bit if someone sold something I had given them. When it comes to books, toys, games... we have so many that I don't remember where they all came from. I'm sure some of them were gifts, but I don't separate those out. When I am decluttering, I sell or donate or trash without regard to the item's origin or "gift status". It would be impossible to keep track of things that can only be given away, things that I can sell, etc. And if I donate a gift to charity, should I not claim that as a deduction on my taxes? Who needs this complication?! I also don't mind re-gifting and I have done it myself many times. It's just stuff... cut the strings and emotional ties to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Yep, it would bother me a little if I give something away that I could have sold, only to find that the recipient has subsequently sold it. I try to give without strings and I would never say anything about it, but I would probably think twice before giving anything to that person again. For me, I do feel it is wrong to take money for something that I didn't pay for in the first place. Actually, wrong is probably too strong a word. I don't think it's Bad, or a Sin, or anything, it's more of a vague feeling of 'spread the love and keep the good karma flowing' :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 I do honestly feel that once a gift is given it then belongs to the recipient and I've no right to be precious about what they do with it. A gift is an expression of friendship, so if I give something that's not suitable I'd far rather they sold it and bought something they did want instead. I'm perhaps very fortunate in that my family and friends rarely buy me anything without asking what I want first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 I routinely sell used items on craigslist. I also take all books I no longer want to our local vintage book store to see if they will buy them from me before I give it away. They give me credit, not cash. I just have a stack and when the stack is big enough, I take them in. So, ANY book I have, given to me or not, that I've read/ not read and that I no longer feel I want to keep, would be resold. I just don't think I would think about it being a gift before I put it in the stack. If the item were not a book, but something else and I thought someone might buy it off craigslist, I'd list it. I just think it's wise considering a little cash will help out my family. We are not hurting for money or anything but hey, every dollar helps - maybe we'd go out to eat or something. I often give away things too, though. Like the other day, a homeschool mom came over to show her kids the baby goats. She needed to borrow a pair of muck boots for one of her kids and I had a pair of DD9s that no longer fit her so I just gave them to her. Another friend, for whom I know money is tight, just recieved a nearly new cieling fan from us that we could no longer use. So, stuff I have might be given away, it might me sold, or donated to Good Will if I'm too busy to list it and want it out of my tiny, cluttered house, or it might be kept. I guess I don't feel obligated one way or the other just because something was a gift. To be honest, if I think I can get $20 or more for it on craigslist, I'd definately be trying to sell it. (I don't have garage sales, but if I did and I know the gifter would not show up, I'd sell an item that way also.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherry in OH Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 When I give something away, it becomes the property of the recipient. A "thank you" is nice. What the person does with the gift is her business. I do try to give gifts I think the person would like and include gift receipts whenever possible. I routinely donate gifts my family receives. I don't think anyone expects me to keep all the clothing, toys, and miscellaneous junk that comes into my house. Often I do not remember who gave what. If I know someone who could use something we don't need, I give it to that person. Anything else usable is donated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamom Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 When I give something away, it becomes the property of the recipient. A "thank you" is nice. What the person does with the gift is her business. I do try to give gifts I think the person would like and include gift receipts whenever possible. I don't think anyone expects me to keep all the clothing, toys, and miscellaneous junk that comes into my house. Often I do not remember who gave what. If I know someone who could use something we don't need, I give it to that person. Anything else usable is donated. :iagree: Life would get very complicated if I had to keep track of who gave what and make sure to do the right thing with it. We have an older friend who gives the kiddos and me a LOT of stuff. I have even told her, I passed this and this on to -----. I've heard her say more then once. A gift is a gift, once it's out of my hands it's up to you what to do with it. Personally, I feel good if someone gets a use out of a gift I gave like using it for a gift again. But if they don't want it by all means get rid of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 As far as I'm concerned, I benefit from giving, so I don't see giving as a one way street in terms of who benefits. I'm totally OK with the receiver doing whatever they want with something I've given. OTOH, I try not to give away anything I know the giver really cared much about before it was given to me. I didn't used to think this way, but to my Mom it really matters if I don't treat her gifts with honor. So I try hard to keep my thinking straight about her gifts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jayne J Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 If I made it by hand for your for your <special occasion> then don't sell it. Throw it away or re-give it. I promise I will never ask. Otherwise, after I give it away it is yours to do with as you choose, and I promise I will never ask. (This is our general family policy) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 I ideally let it go as soon as I give it. That way there are no complications. :iagree:Once it leaves my hands, it is no longer mine. Do with it as you will. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSMom2One Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 I ideally let it go as soon as I give it. That way there are no complications.I also do not like having any strings attached to anything given to me- once given, it is mine to do with as I choose, including passing it on, selling it etc Thats the way I prefer to operate but I don't think I am callous about it- I don't try and make a profit from gifts- usually if they are sold it is for a minimal amount. My MIL gave us a teapot and 2 cups for Christmas and I know it would have cost her about $50- way overpriced but that is the store she bought it at, trendy- but it is in the for sale pile at the moment and i will probably get $10 for it even though it has never been used. But if someone's bday came up before I sold it, I might gift it instead. Life is too short to be obligating people with our gifts. I feel the same way as Peela. When I give a gift, I hope it is a blessing to the other person. Although it comes from my heart, it no longer belongs to me. They can do whatever they want with the gift, and in these hard economic times that may mean re-gifting to someone else or selling it. I don't keep track of these things once I've done my part. When I receive a gift I always appreciate the generosity shown and the thought and care they took to give it. I have so much stuff that I can't possibly keep it all though, so at some point in time things just may get cycled or recycled. Although some things have special attachments and are kept forever, not all have that kind of designation. To me, it's the thought behind a gift that is the most important issue rather than the thing itself. Blessings, Lucinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 If I give someone something, it's theirs, free and clear. It's not a gift if there are strings attached. So, if I give someone something and it turns up in a resale shop, so be it. It was theirs to do with as they wished. If I lend someone something, I expect it back. When depends on what it is I'm lending. If it's curriculum or books for school, I expect it back at the end of the school year. I used to let people take bags of books and materials to go through and find what they need, with the stipulation that whatever they don't need comes back to me. I don't do that anymore; I've found that they don't return anything and end up selling or giving away the stuff they weren't going to use. So, if I have a bag of "freebies" I'll let them look it over with me present so I can take back what they don't want. I won't sell things given to me that I don't end up using. I just pass them on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gooblink Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 I'm with the other posters - if I give it, it's gone. I don't resell things given to me, as a rule, though if the gift was a big pile of books I might not remember after a few years which were given and what I bought myself... I participate in Freecycle where many members do specifically state they will not give to resellers. I really don't care...if someone can take the things I no longer need and turn them into money for things they do need, I'm fine with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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