S/O-Does your teen-ager date and if so, what rules/expections do you have?

[mama2cntrykids]

I'm mainly looking for answers from parents that have teens in the 15-18 year range. We are venturing into this with my 16 y/o step-son and I'd like to hear what other parents' rules and/or expectations are regarding dating at this age.

 

Thanks alot!

[LidiyaDawn]

My dd is 14, so a little bit off your range there, but not much... and no, she doesn't date. We don't have a specific 'age' set as to when she will be able to, but we treat 'dating' as something that a person does when they're of an age and readiness to get married and go on into adult life - children, running a home, etc. What that will all look like when the time comes, we'll see when we get there... I don't have a set age - like 16 or 18 - in mind, as it's more than just age. :)

[LibraryLover]

My 17 yr old does have a gf. She is a year ahead in school because of her birthdate, and is off to nursing school in the fall. I am not sure what they are going to do. I know I will miss her. She is here a few times a week, and has dinner with us. DS is in school, only has a summer job, so they don't 'go out' much except to school events and the movies sometimes. He also doesn't drive and neighter does she. I love that. ;) I always know where they are, so that is something. :D

[Mrs Mungo]

My eldest (she's 15) had a boyfriend for a time. They weren't allowed to date on their own. They could do things with our homeschool group (under parental chaperon), and we did things as families.

[Wheres Toto]

My 16 year old daughter has been able to date/have a boyfriend since she turned 16. Before that she could go to school events or out with groups. She's had 2 boyfriends since then (9 months). Mostly they boys would come over here, or she would go to their house (with parents home) and watch a movie. Neither lasted that long so that was basically it. DD has a very busy schedule with school, dance and work so she doesn't have much free time and she prefers to spend it with her friends.

 

Our rules are actually the same whether she's out with a boyfriend or just friends: she can't go out on a school night, has to be home by 10 on Friday or Saturday unless it's a special occasion, we have to know where she is and she has to be reachable (which is a given with cell phone), she can't go out if her room is a disaster, no drinking, no driving with anyone who has been drinking.

 

I've told her that I will trust her until she gives me a reason not to. If she does, she will be extremely restricted. She more than likely will be away at college in a year so I think it's time she had some freedom before she's away on her own.

[Mejane]

My almost-18yo dd has a boyfriend who's 20. They dance together so spend most of their days together at the school and don't have a lot of time to go out. Neither drives, so we take them places and drop them when they do go out. He has a curfew, so they are never out later than 10. She does hang out at the house where all the boys live. There are usually lots of kids around. She is mature for her age, and we've talked all about possible consequences of pursuing a physical relationship. I don't judge, so she freely tells me what goes on.

 

We just found out he has been accepted to a company far, far away, so he'll be leaving in June. They are both mature enough to realize long-distance relationships rarely last (esp. at this age), so theirs has an expiration date on it. We all really like him, so we are :(.

 

My 15yo ds likes a girl at the dance school, but is not even close to being ready to date yet. Or maybe that's just me. ;)

Edited February 10, 2011 by Mejane

[SweetBean]

My dd is 14, so a little bit off your range there, but not much... and no, she doesn't date. We don't have a specific 'age' set as to when she will be able to, but we treat 'dating' as something that a person does when they're of an age and readiness to get married and go on into adult life - children, running a home, etc. What that will all look like when the time comes, we'll see when we get there... I don't have a set age - like 16 or 18 - in mind, as it's more than just age. :)

This is our mindset as well. DD is 16 and not dating. She's too busy with school work anyway. ;)

[Lisa in Jax]

Our dd will be 18 in June. She's had a boyfriend for over a year, and we like him -- he's a nice young man who is respectful and polite. If we didn't like him, or he wasn't polite and kind to her, our rules would be stricter. ;)

 

In fact, at first, the rules were more strict, but we've slowly loosened the "reins" as she's gotten closer to leaving for college and as they've shown themselves to be responsible and respectful.

 

Our rules for dd right now:

 

We must know where they are while they're out together. She calls when they change location or to ask permission to go somewhere different than planned.

DD must answer her phone anytime we call.

She and her bf cannot be at either home (his parents' house or our house) w/o an adult present.

We worry if she's late, so if she's going to be more than five minutes late, she calls to let us know. If being late became a habit (it hasn't), we'd probably reign her in and make her come home very early for a while.

 

There's more, but that's the gist. DD will be heading off in August to a college 3 hours' drive from home, and we are trying to allow her to have an appropriate amount of freedom while still having rules and structure. She's a polite, fun, respectful kid. She has good grades and a great attitude, and we trust her to make good decisions, so we allow her a reasonable about of freedom and independence.

 

HIH,

 

Lisa

[Jenny in Florida]

My 16-year-old daughter made the decision not to date while she is still in college. She realized there was no point, since any relationship she started would, as someone else said, have an expiration date.

 

She's graduating this spring and coming home for a year or two. So, we'll have to make some decisions about rules. Generally, we've told her that we will need to meet anyone she dates. But that's all we've discussed thus far.

 

She has really good taste in people and has her head on pretty straight. So, we're not terribly worried.

[rlugbill]

My dd just turned 13. No dating as of now. I have told her no dating til 18. Groups are ok though. In Europe, that's what many parents say. No one-on-one dating, but going out in groups is ok.

 

I think going out in groups is inherently safer and sets up a completely different atmosphere. Relationships are more about having fun and less about physical relationships before children are ready for that.

 

I just don't want some guy I don't know coming and taking her out one-on-one. A group of friends- ok. One guy- no.

 

I do have a seemingly bizarre exception though to the no one-on-one dating til 18 rule. If she runs a marathon, she could date at 16. That way, I'm not preventing her from dating at 16, I'm just setting a precondition.

 

I've run a couple of marathons. To me, a running a marathon shows that the person is dedicated and can think long-term, not short-term. It is a serious endeavor that takes perserverance and isn't just done on a whim.

 

Marathons are also a metaphor for marriage. It isn't a sprint- it takes time and work. But if you persevere, the satisfaction is great.

[Tap]

Ds16 had a girlfriend for about 9mths. When they started dating, he said he made it clear to her that he wouldn't be putting a lot of time or energy into the relationship due to his limited time. He is very busy with Church, college, work, and hobbies. He also told her that he didn't want a physical relationship as the likely hood of them staying together is so low, and the ramifications and heartbreak sooo big. I am glad he was so honest with her upfront and admire him for being able to follow through. IT is sooooo much easier to give into the physical, than to hold on to a purity pledge.

 

She finally broke it off with him for exactly the above reasons. She wanted more of his time, and a physical relationship. She wanted traditional dating, he is definitely thinking more on the lines of courting.

[happypamama]

No.

 

Not at all until they are ready to look for a marriage partner... (dd 17.5, dd 16, ds 14)

 

Not necessarily directed at you specifically, but to anyone -- what happens if Mr. or Miss Right just drops into your teen's lap (so to speak)? I was that teen -- I was 14, the boy was 16, and it was going to be just one dance together, as friends. My parents hadn't intended for me to date that early at all (they were thinking 15 for group dates and 16 for individual dates, and only with boys of whom they approved), but they liked this boy and did agree to the dance (and dinner with some other friends, and my dad insisted on driving us). They might not have been surprised at a few more dates after that one, but nobody was picturing a ring, four kids, and a house. One set of problems was suddenly solved, but I'm sure a whole different set of worries appeared. (They did allow us to go on solo dates when I was 15, but they were still very careful about where we went, how much time we spent alone, etc.)

 

We've been together nearly 20 years, married for almost 13, so I'm hesitant to assume that all teen relationships have expiration dates. Our oldest isn't quite 9 yet, so we have a while, but I'm thinking that we'll just have to play it by ear, not necessarily set up rules ahead of time or anything.

[LizzyBee]

My 17 yo dd has a boyfriend. DD has to keep her cell phone on, let us know where she is, be home by 10:00 on school nights (earlier if her homework isn't finished) and midnight on weekends. If they go to Robb's house, we expect that his parents are home, and he is not allowed to come to our house unless a parent is at home. We don't have strict rules because they've never given us a reason not to trust them.

[Jenny in Florida]

We've been together nearly 20 years, married for almost 13, so I'm hesitant to assume that all teen relationships have expiration dates. Our oldest isn't quite 9 yet, so we have a while, but I'm thinking that we'll just have to play it by ear, not necessarily set up rules ahead of time or anything.

 

I met my Mr. Right in elementary school.

 

We dated on and off through junior high and high school, then broke up (badly) and were apart for almost 10 years.

 

We've now been back together for 20 years, married for 17 this month.

 

So, I agree that not all teen relationships have expiration dates. My comment wasn't about age but about geography. My daughter is attending college 800 miles from where we live, and she intends to make her home in New York one of these years. She is concerned about the potential to have her heart broken if she were to get involved during these transitional years with someone who wasn't planning the same kind of life.

 

She talks a good game about not dating for the next couple of years while she's home, too. But I suspect that tune may change once she's actually here and getting out in the community.

 

I do take the emotional stuff that happens at this age very seriously. So does my daughter, which is why she's choosing to be careful.

[happypamama]

We just found out he has been accepted to a company far, far away, so he'll be leaving in June. They are both mature enough to realize long-distance relationships rarely last (esp. at this age), so theirs has an expiration date on it. We all really like him, so we are :(.

 

 

Aww, how sad for them! LD relationships at that age are so hard, but they are doable. At least in today's world of cell phones and e-mail, it's a little easier to stay in touch with the day-to-day stuff. DH and I were apart for a couple of years while he was in college and I was in high school, and it was hard (and a bit lonely). We ran up huge phone bills and wrote lots of letters, but still, it was missing the little moments that were hardest. (But when we were finally together, that was great, and I think it was good preparation for the ups and downs of married life too, to know that you can weather a trial.) Perhaps things will fizzle for them, and perhaps they'll be drawn back together. :)

[Catherine]

Currently, he doesn't, as he is abroad. When he was here, he got hsi driver's license 3 months before he left, but even then had a provisional license so couldn't drive other kids. He was bummed : )

 

All of their "dates" were just coming here to eat a bunch or watch movies or listen to music with a group of other kids. We took them places with us sometimes, like movies or dinners out.

 

He is a pretty trustworthy kid and she's a very ambitious girl so I don't anticipate problems : ) I also know she strongly disapproves of drinking or drug use so don't think that will happen. It sure is good when your kid's friends are a good influence. Thank goodness.

[regentrude]

My 16-year-old daughter made the decision not to date while she is still in college. She realized there was no point, since any relationship she started would, as someone else said, have an expiration date.

 

 

Why "expiration date" ???

I met my DH when we were both freshmen. We have been together for 24 years now. Including 8 years of long distance relationships after we had been out of college and married.

[Jenny in Florida]

Why "expiration date" ???

I met my DH when we were both freshmen. We have been together for 24 years now. Including 8 years of long distance relationships after we had been out of college and married.

 

She's very young and plans a very unsettled life for the next few years. She doesn't want to set herself up for heartbreak by having to choose between her dreams and a relationship.

 

Now, all of that might well change if she happened to meet someone who really made her heart flutter. But, at the moment, she's not looking.

[Mejane]

Perhaps things will fizzle for them, and perhaps they'll be drawn back together. :)

 

aw, thanks. The dance world is really small, so who knows? :001_smile:

[Peela]

Yes, mine both "date" (ages 16 and 15), although that term doesn't seem to be so strongly used in the Australian culture. Dd goes out with various male friends to the movies or shopping, with or without groups of friends, and its not usually called a "date". Its just "going out" and it may or not lead to more "going out" and deeper friendship.

We tend to play it by ear.

Ds has had the same gf for several months now.

Dd16 has had 2 "serious" relationships so far- one lasted for 5 months, the other only a few weeks and then ended suddenly. She is a free spirit though and really doesn't want to be pinned down or "owned" and adolescent boys tend to be highly....emotional. She is not needy and she is gorgeous- they go a bit cuckoo over her and then she gets tired of them. Its been interesting to watch.

 

The general rule is to be home by 10pm- yes, we have allowed both her more serious boyfriends to drive her, after they had a good man talk with dh.

If catching public transport she needs to be home by dark.

Another rule is to always keep the bedroom door open. We allow them in their bedrooms.

 

But I think this depends so much on your family's values and the character of your individual children. We let go of the strings bit by bit as seems appropriate at the time. No major "rules" other than 10pm kerfew.

 

I think its far more important to foster healthy self esteem and practical self care than make rules. My dd takes good care of herself and wont give herself to any young man lightly, on any level. We would rather not create rules which might make her do things just to rebel.

 

I am finding that letting go and allowing my "kids" to be the young adults they are, more and more, is the least stressful and most encouraging of mature behaviour.