Sasharowan Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I need ideas for what to do to help her out. She has a 6yo, 12yo, and almost 16yo. Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Right now? Food-things that can be frozen and a fruit basket. See if you can chip in with someone else for a twice-a-week housecleaner for a month or two. Babysit. Take her out for coffee. In a couple of weeks-the same. In a month or two or six? See ifyou can help her by driving her kids to activities. Have dinner with them. Invite them to the park. Be there for her and her kids when the immediate part of the crisis has passed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawn in OH Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Some meals. I don't think I would feel up to cooking. Some babysitting, so she could get a good cry out without the children around? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) :grouphug: Listen, talk about him, listen, hug, listen. Instead of asking if she needs anything or etc. if you're close tell her you'd love to send such and such to mow the lawn or you'd really like to come to fold laundry if she's available or etc. If she needs meals I'm sure that would be appreciated--sometimes meals are provided by this or that group but nothing else comes. Most important I think is to keep checking on her, calling, talking about him, listening long after. People often drift away or never talk about it over time. My sister lost a lot of friends who were "couple friends" over time and that was painful. When my BIL died my sister found a lot of support on this forum. Now isn't the time of course but if you think she might benefit with connections from other widows who lost spouses before the age you'd think that would happen, with young kids, etc. you could pass it along. Edited January 19, 2011 by sbgrace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 The babysitting is a big thing -- often kids grieve in very different ways from parents and want to play and be happy before the remaining parent can manage that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Someone needs to help out with the sorts of jobs her DH would have done. (Changing spark plugs or mowing, or whatever.) If my dh died, I wouldn't really know what sort of home and car and yard maintenance needs to be done and I wouldn't know how to do it. My plan has been that I would hire a home inspector to come by every couple of years and tell me if something important needed to be done to my house. But it would be really great, if my friend's dh's would be willing to help me out with that stuff. This doesn't meet an immediate need, but maybe if you could help make sure that the men in your life (your dh, friends you have with husbands) would help her out with that stuff. If I was alone and my friend called and said, "My dh would like to help you with car maintenance in honor of your husband," I would sooo appreciate it. Other than that, when my friend's husband died (she was 34 and he was 37), I wish I had just *been* there more for her. But she lived 5 hours away and we both had toddlers. But I still wish I'd figured out how to just be with her (even though it would have been crazy-chaotic with the kids.) In fact, I just realized that my friend's dh died 4 years ago today. It's on my calendar to call her today. I try not to shy away from talking about her husband to her. Just the other day we were talking about being scared and I said, "Remember the time you and Jim saw the Blair Witch Trial, and when Jim walked down the basement steps later that night, the lights went out and he shrieked like a little girl?" We both laughed over that memory. She seemed to want to talk about Jim after he was gone. I worried that it would upset her, but it didn't. She wanted to remember him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Offer to take the kids for a couple of hours. A food delivery from a local restaurant or just have groceries delivered to her house. I have been there and it is just overwhelming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Ditto Mrs. Mungo. Do something now, but especially make an effort to be there 6 weeks from now. Everyone else will have "moved on" by then and the initial shock of it all (even if death was anticipated) will be starting to pass. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) Someone needs to help out with the sorts of jobs her DH would have done. (Changing spark plugs or mowing, or whatever.) :iagree: My husband's best friend passed away in November. In December, we got our first big dump of snow. All of the neighbors had told our friend, "Don't worry about a thing. We'll help out." Guess who couldn't get to work because no one plowed her driveway, when they said they would? She's now paying for a service to come out and plow. We're an hour away or my husband would have done it, but it really stunk :glare:. ETA: Yes, I also agree about food. Make sure she's eating at least something. Our friend has lost more than 50 lbs., which she wanted to lose, but I don't recommend this diet for anyone :(. Edited January 19, 2011 by sparrow Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I know when this happened to us, babysitting was not really what my girlfriend wanted. She wanted her family to be together, comforting each other, reading the cues of her children. She most wanted me there when the kids were in bed.....someone to be there & talk to. What helped her most was food. Like what you'd see at a graduation....a plate of buns with meat on them - lettuce & tomatoes sliced on a seperate plate. A cheese & cracker tray. A bowl of fruit. Things that they could walk by & grab or things that they could serve visitors. As a friend, it is a helpless feeling - just be an ear, and a shoulder. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MangoMama Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I am so sorry. :( I have no other words to offer as you have gotten great tips thus far. I just want to say that I think you are a great friend worrying so much about what you can do for her. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Gift cards with money, even given anonymously. When this happened to a friend of mine a few years ago their accounts got tied up and she fell behind in bills until the estate was settled. Food is good but I would also think about house cleaning, buying necessities for bathrooms and such. Offer to help memory books for the kids of their dad - making copies of photos so each one can have one and so on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Gift cards with money, even given anonymously. When this happened to a friend of mine a few years ago their accounts got tied up and she fell behind in bills until the estate was settled. Food is good but I would also think about house cleaning, buying necessities for bathrooms and such. Offer to help memory books for the kids of their dad - making copies of photos so each one can have one and so on. gift cards to local restaurant -- Panera, Culver's, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sevilla Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Offer tangible support in the eary days/weeks. But even more important - don't forget or ignore her after a month or two (or six). The most difficult challenge in being a widow is that people start avoiding you, not talking to you, and feeling generally awkward. The first few months of grieving you generally get huge support - and then it trickles off. After a year there are very few people left acknowledging and actively supporting you in grief. It is often said that the second year is harder than the first - and in everyone I have seen who has lost someone close to them it was ~2 years before they came out the other side of the initial, deep grief (there is always the sadness and loss, but the intense pain and processing of it seems to take 2 years). Write things on the calendar to remind you to call or her or send her a card letting you know that you're thinking of her - her DH's birthday, anniversary of his death, Christmas, their anniversary. Invite her out with couples - one isolation of being a widow is you are suddenly cut off from men, and 'couple friends' often don't do things with you anymore. Don't be afraid to go out as a group of 5 (or 3 or 7) and let there be an odd number. It's ok and far better than cutting her out of those things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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