Funny/Not Funny incident with "labelled" Child

[JennifersLost]

Before anyone gets upset, this is only funny to me because I've "been there/done that."

 

When my oldest son was 4, I was absolutely, positively convinced he had ADD. In fact, I was convinced everyone in the family had ADD. I read every book I could get and explained to everyone - other mothers, preschool teachers, etc. - how to handle my extremely difficult "ADD" son.

 

I remember the teachers at his preschool giving me odd looks and gently explaining to me that kids with "real" ADD were a lot more difficult than my son. "He can concentrate for an hour on a project," they told me. "He plays with other children so nicely!" I couldn't believe what idiots they were. The kid was absolutely insane around me. He would run around, knock over blocks, whack his baby brother, run ahead of me at stores....he never shut up, never took a break, just played and played and talked and talked and demanded I do things his way....impossible!

 

Then I split up from his (nasty) father, moved out, he turned five, calmed down, and became a model child. I forgot all about his "ADD."

 

Well, today I had a new child enroll in the preschool program I teach. The mother gave me a complete rundown of all her son's problems. Apparently he has Sensory Integration Disorder, he doesn't transition well, he "Melts Down," he prefers adults to children and won't play with other kids...she's getting him tested and is fairly sure he's autistic.

 

By the time she was done explaining her son, I was terrified. I didn't want her to leave. I'm not prepared to handle a (low-functioning) autistic child on my own in addition to all the other children. The kid, meanwhile, had gone off to play with the toys. He didn't seem autistic.

 

I spent the first hour of class watching him like a hawk, giving him three warnings for each transition we made (which he absolutely ignored after giving me a weird look the first time) - braced for one of his "meltdowns". I was completely stressed out.

 

He spent the entire time playing with other kids. When we transitioned to new activities he was the first kid to race to the new thing. He loved the crafts which included glue (sensory issues?) and didn't hang out with me AT ALL. He never shed a tear, even when other kids took his toys. He certainly never melted down....

 

An hour in, I relaxed. He's just a normal kid. Easier than most of the others!

 

But when mom came to pick him up he changed radically! LOL. He got fussy and demanding....

 

Poor first time Mom. She'll figure it out soon, I'm sure. What kills me is that apparently two aid workers in town are tag-teaming "working with him" on his issues!

 

What issues? This kid is NOT autistic. He's maybe, slightly Aspergers. Only slightly. I've got another Aspie child in my class and come from a family of geeks - he barely places in the Aspie competition.

 

Now, before anyone gets upset I completely believe in ADD, Sensory Integration issues and so on. It's just that I see so many parents slapping labels on kids who are only being kids. Especially boys. I'm not sure we know how to recognize boys (or parent them) anymore. It kills me that this boy is being set up to carry a label through school.

 

I think the first thing that should happen when a boy gets an ADD label is he should be sent to a farm for a couple of weeks. If he's still "off the wall" after eight hours of outdoor labor, then he's got ADD. Kids weren't meant to sit still or stay indoors all day.

[Cindyg]

Not to argue, but there's another possible dynamic here. It's possible for a kid to "hold it together" at great cost in front of teachers and peers, but fall apart when "safe" mom is present. If that's the case, it doesn't mean it's Mom's fault or that Mom "allows" it. It's just that the child feels safe to collapse with her there to deal with it.

 

Not saying that's what happened in your example. Just another scenario.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Not to argue, but there's another possible dynamic here. It's possible for a kid to "hold it together" at great cost in front of teachers and peers, but fall apart when "safe" mom is present. If that's the case, it doesn't mean it's Mom's fault or that Mom "allows" it. It's just that the child feels safe to collapse with her there to deal with it.

 

Not saying that's what happened in your example. Just another scenario.

 

My son absolutely fit that description when he was younger. He wasn't being "good," he was just waiting it out and it was very stressful for him. His "good" behavior for others actually bothered me, because I knew that he was just shutting himself down to cope.

[Remudamom]

And not disagreeing with Cindy, but maybe you should tell mom.. might be a great comfort to her?

[Lolly]

:lol:Then, there is my boy. For me, he's fine. We deal with it. He goes to a friend's for a visit. When I pick him up, the parents ask if he is off his meds for the summer...:glare:It has happened more than once, or it might be funny. (He was actually holding it in while with them...)

[myfunnybunch]

Not to argue, but there's another possible dynamic here. It's possible for a kid to "hold it together" at great cost in front of teachers and peers, but fall apart when "safe" mom is present. If that's the case, it doesn't mean it's Mom's fault or that Mom "allows" it. It's just that the child feels safe to collapse with her there to deal with it.

 

Not saying that's what happened in your example. Just another scenario.

 

Yes.

 

I'm not jumping on you at all, :) because it's entirely possible that this poor kiddo is pretty typical with a worried momma. And, before you point the finger at Mom, it might be a good idea to wait a couple weeks to get a more complete picture.

 

I wish I had a dollar for the number of times I heard, when my dd was young, "Really?? She has autism? Her?" upon an initial meeting. After a couple weeks or several interactions, as my dd's comfort level increased, "Ooooooh. Yeah."

 

Cat

[JennifersLost]

Darn. And maybe I've jinxed things now.....

 

Could be, but I've seen a lot of kids go through my doors in over 10 years of childcare. I'm going to be very surprised if this one goes that way.

[BMW]

Just adding in a bit of experience with my aspie... He couldn't "hold it in" when he was that age. At 11, though, he understands his differences. He holds a lot in around certain people. When he is with his bio-dad he will not rock in the car and they tell me he doesn't head bang into his pillow to fall asleep. (I don't know if they watch him at bed time, though) They tell me how normal he is. A bit over time and now he paces a lot more, but he still controls his rocking. He tells me that he doesn't want them to think he is weird. But, when I pick him up to bring him home, he rocks all the way home. And each day after school. He is pacing now. He is smart, adorable and I love him so very much. I am glad he doesn't worry that I think he is weird!

 

I think that it's so hard to tell for certain with other people in just one instance. Your observation may very well be correct. If he "holds it in" then I doubt, at that age, he really has a neurological malfunction going on... but that's just my own opinion from the story.

 

What good discussions we've been having recently. I've loved being able to type away and share about my son. 4 years ago people could detect his neurological differences pretty easily. Now most people don't see it for a while.

[fhjmom]

Not to argue, but there's another possible dynamic here. It's possible for a kid to "hold it together" at great cost in front of teachers and peers, but fall apart when "safe" mom is present. If that's the case, it doesn't mean it's Mom's fault or that Mom "allows" it. It's just that the child feels safe to collapse with her there to deal with it.

 

Not saying that's what happened in your example. Just another scenario.

 

I totally agree. When DD was 2 1/2-4 I was convinced I was either the worst mother in the world or she had some kind of major issues. I thought she had ADHD at the very least. *Every*single*day* I picked her up from pre-school she would have multiple melt-downs before we could even get in the car. I would leave crying, she would be screaming... it was awful. Our time together at home was just as bad. I don't know how many days I would sit in the directors office and cry on her shoulder and ask what I was doing wrong. DD just had no currency and I could not figure out how to discipline her to get her to mind. The funny thing was *EVERYONE* else told me how good she was, what an angel, well behaved, followed directions, etc. etc. (this was her children's choir director, her Sunday School teacher, her pre-school teachers, etc.).

 

Then the light went on and I figured out she couldn't hear. Her behavior was the major trigger that made me push everyone else to get her tested and the help she needed (no one believed she had hearing loss either since she did so good for them). She was just *exhausted* from doing whatever it took to keep up and figure out what was going on that when Mom came, she felt safe enough to now fall apart. She didn't feel like she had to fake it anymore.

 

Further proof was when she was finally fitted with her hearing aids, she became a completely different child over night! Her behavior changed so drastically; I felt real guilt for quite a while because I had been disciplining her when the problem was she didn't understand what was expected because she couldn't hear!:tongue_smilie:

 

Anyway, I do think there is a lot of truth in the idea that a "compliant" child that feels safe enough with mom to let it all out.

[Wendi]

Not to argue, but there's another possible dynamic here. It's possible for a kid to "hold it together" at great cost in front of teachers and peers, but fall apart when "safe" mom is present. If that's the case, it doesn't mean it's Mom's fault or that Mom "allows" it. It's just that the child feels safe to collapse with her there to deal with it.

 

Not saying that's what happened in your example. Just another scenario.

 

This still happens with my Aspie teenager.

 

Wendi

[ElizabethB]

When my son was 3, I read a book about reading disorders that included a huge section on reading disorders combined with various types of attention disorders.

 

Every other sentence during the attention disorder section, I had to keep reminding myself, "Self, this is about older children. These behaviors are normal in a 3 year old."

 

(I do not recommend reading anything about attention disorders when you have a 3 or 4 year old, especially a 3 year old boy, BTW!)

[Sonshine]

I had a very active first child. I kept asking my mil what was wrong with him. He's a boy and he's normal she would say. She was right.

 

I do believe in ADHD by the way. But a high level of energy is different than ADHD.

[lamamaloca]

Not to argue, but there's another possible dynamic here. It's possible for a kid to "hold it together" at great cost in front of teachers and peers, but fall apart when "safe" mom is present. If that's the case, it doesn't mean it's Mom's fault or that Mom "allows" it. It's just that the child feels safe to collapse with her there to deal with it.

 

 

For ADHD to be diagnosed, the symptoms have to be manifest is more than one setting to rule out situational problems. Is that not true for ASD diagnoses?

 

I've definitely experienced kids behaving better for others, but generally, as a childcare worker or teacher, I could still tell if there was something "different" about the kid.

[JennifersLost]

I want to add that I do have another child in my class who would definitely be pegged as Aspergers, at the least. Her parents are the complete opposite of the other mom. They haven't gotten her tested, shrug it off, let her completely run the show and so forth.

 

She was very difficult last year but has thrived with me. I'm pretty darn strict and every kid knows within a day or two exactly what you can and can't do in my class. I think kids like that.

 

There is no drama in my classroom. She used to have pretty significant meltdowns, but I'm a no-drama-about-meltdowns person. If a child wants to scream and cry, I let them. I just sit next to them and keep them from hurting anyone for as long as it takes. I can outlast any of them. If they're really frantic I hold them and remain calm, letting my heartbeat calm down theirs. That's it. I don't cater to anyone in any way based on bad behavior. Once kids get over the idea they can use their screaming fits to get what they want, they just get down to the important business of having fun!

 

Again - there are kids for whom this isn't the case. I have never had a child over 2 that didn't calm down for me, but I did have a 14 month old once in my care that couldn't make the transition away from mom. He just screamed and screamed and screamed unless me (and only me - not any of my helpers) held him the whole day. I just couldn't do that and run the program. So, I do know such cases exist.

 

I ab-so-lute-ly believe in all the different gradations of the "spectrum" - this particular boy, though...he has the feel of a smart kid who was a difficult toddler/3 year old; not a kid who will need intervention in the classroom. We'll see! I've certainly been wrong before in life....

[Mommyfaithe]

:lol:Then, there is my boy. For me, he's fine. We deal with it. He goes to a friend's for a visit. When I pick him up, the parents ask if he is off his meds for the summer...:glare:It has happened more than once, or it might be funny. (He was actually holding it in while with them...)

 

This is my son too. he is wonderful at home, in his own surroundings, with his own toys, siblings etc. BUT, he is NOT so great in public, on his soccer team, at friends houses, or in Sunday School..sigh. Sometimes it makes me feel like a prisoner. I can't leave him because he can melt down or have an out burst on a dime. We keep trying to introduce new things and small steps toward helping him cope in different situations. He is getting better as time goes on, but for Pete's sake..he is almost 7.

 

Faithe

[mamalbh]

I didn't get to read the other replies , but did want to mention the exact scenario is how my dd's first day of preschool went. My dd was *usually* able to hold it together better in public settings, when I was not around. Well, the teacher clearly thought I was nuts when I described dd (who has sensory issues) and frequently would tell me how she had a great day.

 

About two months later, after dd was more comfortable in the class, her true colors appeared. She had decided one morning that she didn't want to go to preschool. Well... I told the teacher she would probably have to physically restrain dd as I left, and she did. When I came to pick her up the teacher looked at me with her jaw on the floor and said "She was like this the WHOLE time" Dd was laying on the floor pouting, and crying on-and-off. I felt like saying "Hey, I warned ya" There were a couple other days that year where something "triggered" her and she had a really bad day, but on other days she was as sweet as can be. She is still this way - if she's upset, she's REALLY upset for a really long time.

 

Not saying this to scare you, just to let you know that things might change.

Edited January 14, 2011 by mamalbh

[JennifersLost]

Oh, it would certainly serve me right for being so "sure" she's wrong, wouldn't it?

:lol:

[Cindyz]

Come back and give us an update in a couple of weeks. :D

[Renee in NC]

Not to argue, but there's another possible dynamic here. It's possible for a kid to "hold it together" at great cost in front of teachers and peers, but fall apart when "safe" mom is present. If that's the case, it doesn't mean it's Mom's fault or that Mom "allows" it. It's just that the child feels safe to collapse with her there to deal with it.

 

Not saying that's what happened in your example. Just another scenario.

 

My 9yo is this way - most people never see his rages other than me. My mom has seen them because we lived with her for a few months, but he manages to "hold it together" most of the time. At school his rages come out as sobbing - which is funny because he never cries at home!:tongue_smilie:

[jujsky]

Not to argue, but there's another possible dynamic here. It's possible for a kid to "hold it together" at great cost in front of teachers and peers, but fall apart when "safe" mom is present. If that's the case, it doesn't mean it's Mom's fault or that Mom "allows" it. It's just that the child feels safe to collapse with her there to deal with it.

 

Not saying that's what happened in your example. Just another scenario.

 

:iagree: As for the child's sensory issues, maybe you haven't seem them yet? Not all kids with sensory integration disorder are touch-avoident. Some swing the other way, are seekers, and need to touch everything in sight (my son). Sensory issues can display themselves in any number of avoident and seeking behaviors.

 

My son would do very well in new situations because they were new. Once he got used to a new place, new routine, and new set of rules you'd see an entirely different child emerge -- the one I saw at home! I'd do as others suggested and give it time. You might start seeing some of the behaviors the mom mentioned once this boy is used to your class.

[JennifersLost]

Second day today - same as the first. In fact, I had another new child in class today and he was much more....wild :) but just in a five year old boy way. The two of them have completely hit it off and had a blast.

 

The mom asked me today - very worried - "Has he been all right?"

 

I told her he'd been perfect and she was quite nonplussed....

 

It will be interesting to see what happens. I really like him so far - he's totally cute and fun.

 

 

On another note...the new boy's mom (today's new boy) dropped him off, chatted with me for awhile, hung around to see how he would do and then told me over her shoulder as she walked off that she'd left the baby in the car!

 

You can't see the parkinglot from my classroom AT ALL - we're like 100 feet into a building with no windows in that direction. And it was FREEZING this morning - snow blowing everywhere.

 

I didn't get to ask if anyone else was in the car - I really hope so! When she came to pick the boy up she didn't bring the baby in either. I'm going to have to say something, I guess.

 

I did leave my baby in the car if I pumped gas or went to the atm a few feet away, but I never left a baby/small child if I didn't have a visual the whole time. These parents are going to give me a heart attack sooner or later.