Hannah Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 For a variety of very good reasons (very high crime rates, corrupt government, future opportunities for our girls, etc) we were going to emigrate to England by July. Dh had three very good job offers and we had an offer on our house. For months I've been working out budgets, looking at housing sites, considering school options.....and now it's not going to happen. After being diagnosed with epilepsy last May (due to a brain condition), dh had been seizure-free for 7 months and we thought that his epilepsy was under control. He started job-hunting in England in January and even flew over for an interview. During the last three months, he has however had 3 grand mal seizures. Two of these happened at work. The first time, he was alone in his office and the second time he was in a meeting with two colleagues. So, his epilepsy is not under control as we thought. We just can't see ourselves making this enormous life change (new country, new jobs, new house, school for the kids) with his health as it is. He cannot imagine starting a new career and having to rely on complete strangers to help him should he have a grand mal. He has been working with his current company for 15 years, so everyone knows him, they respect his abilities and he is comfortable there. We have decided that we will not start looking again until dh has been seizure-free for at least a year. If that ever happens. I was looking forward to and was very positive about the move. I'd convinced myself that it was the right thing for us to do and although I know we are making the right decision to stay in South Africa, I am now finding it very hard to adjust back to facing all that is wrong with this country. How would you deal with this kind of disappointment? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Oh, Hannah, I'm so sorry! It's such exhausting work just facing the *possibility* and the *uncertainty* of major life changes like that -- getting all ready, debating the right choices, preparing, letting down -- not to mention the stress of worrying about your husband and his health! That's an awful lot to handle... I have no fabulous advice. If it were me, I think I would just put on thirty pounds eating brownies (um, do you have brownies? like very dense, very moist little chocolate cake squares) after everyone is safely in bed each night. Not a particularly healthy approach (emotionally or physically), but if I'm honest, that would be my first line of defense, sigh. (And then, eventually, I'd still have to face all the anxiety and depression and stress, and I'd have weight to lose on top of it all.) So, clearly I'm not the one for good advice... I wish you peace and a clear path. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CookieMonster Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Very briefly, I think you need to let yourself grieve. There is grief over the death of the move. There is grief over the end of your husband's seizure-free state There is grief. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ckweyant Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Hannah, Hugs to you! I know how hard that can be. I don't know if you have any religious beliefs, but if it were me, I would take it to God. He can see things that we just cant. I know that some people might view that as a "cop-out", but it really helps me. I can find peace when He is involved. You will be in my prayers, Cassandra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 That is so hard. There is a grieving process, but know that you are doing the right thing for your family. That is what is right, for now. I do lean on my faith and know that God has a plan, maybe a greater plan in store for you. Take the time you need to mourn. My dh and I have had well thought out plans fall by the wayside. Right now we are in the planning stages of another big plan. Part of me is just afraid it will fall through like every thing has done. I understand about the feeling "stuck" situation. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. We are planning a similar move and I know it would be very hard to give it up. It does sound like the right decision for you though. A few times in the past we have been disappointed about moves and I have had to pull myself together and try again to appreciate the place where I am. It's extraordinarily hard. Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Everyone else is right, this is a huge life change. You are dealing with two major issues right now and you need to give yourself time to process both of them. Since your dh's health is the most pressing issue, try to handle that first if you are able to. Then you can deal with the disappointment about not moving. Perhaps, it will give a little time so that it doesn't sting quite so much when you focus your energy on that. This might also be a good time to do a little cultural study of where you currently live trying to see it in the best possible light as if you were coming there for the first time. You may be able to develop a newfound appreciation for it. In any case, I wish you comfort while you are going through this so that you may come to a place of peace soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah Posted April 25, 2008 Author Share Posted April 25, 2008 Thank you all for your empathy and encouragement. It is hard, but I know its the right decision for now. I will allow some grieving time and part of that includes some serious comfort eating... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Honestly, I know South Africa is rife with problems, but I would love to visit. I have a friend who recently married and settled down over there. She's still in the honeymoon phase, but I imagine when she's past that, she'll have to get accustomed to the very real challenges. But there must be many positive aspects to where you are now, and sometimes it helps if we can share those with others. We see the setting through others' eyes ~ yes, the down sides, but also the good things that we tend to take for granted. Oh, dear. I'm afraid I'm not helping much. Believe me, I have trouble handling disappointment, so I do empathize with you. I do so hope that things get on an even keel so you can make your dreams a reality. (((Hannah))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 What do you want to do? What can you do? Sometimes life takes unexpected turns and you can scream, stomp your feet, have a good cry then then move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Very briefly, I think you need to let yourself grieve. There is grief over the death of the move. There is grief over the end of your husband's seizure-free state There is grief. :iagree: You will need to grieve. Find a soft shoulder to cry on. (((Hannah))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 I can only imagine how hard it must be to be coming to terms with not moving after you put so much of yourself into the planning of that, in conjunction with the fact that your husband's health is not as stable as you'd hoped. Either one of those by itself would be a major hurdle, and here you are struggling with both. So, first of all, please know that what you're feeling (yes, all of it...from the selfish "I wanna's" to the "Why us?" to the "This stinks!") is completely normal and understandable. I don't think you need to talk yourself out of those feelings (not that anyone has recommended you do so), but that you should feel safe to be IN them for a time, allowing yourself to be sad, or frustrated. That will, in turn, enable you to move through the feelings and come to another place. The next phase might be to recognize that very often, when life deals us what appears to be a rotten hand, it is simply because we aren't able to grasp the larger picture. So, perhaps, as you're feeling like you can look back out at your present life from this new place, you'll find something treasurable, something that will stand out as a positive reason for having to stay. I hope so. Hugs...My heart goes out to you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Atl Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 :grouphug: I guess focus on dh's health. I have had a number of this small deaths, loss of a dream events and they are never easy. It will take time to feel the ground again. I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Hannah, I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties. I had sort of the opposite experience when we moved to Texas. We REALLY didn't want to leave Venezuela and both dh and I were very stressed over the move. We didn't have a choice because of our sons' autism, but it was still very hard. It took us about a year to get ourselves back on an even keel. Some things that helped me were to remind myself of all the good things about Houston (and there are plenty). I think making a conscious effort to appreciate the good points of South Africa might help you to accept staying there for now. The next time you're in the supermarket, think about all the foods you'd miss in England. Think about how nice your weather is compared to Europe. Appreciate any particular plants or animals that are unique. Be grateful that you can spend more time with family and friends. I hope this helps, I know how rough it is to have to live somewhere you aren't very excited about and I do sympathize. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah Posted April 26, 2008 Author Share Posted April 26, 2008 I don't have a blog (yet), and want to put the list of things I am grateful for in South Africa "out there"....so here goes... We have amazing, caring and generous friends. The children have special friends. Dh has a very good job that he enjoys in a supporting group with people that he trusts and who respect his abilities. I have a morning's only job that I enjoy. We live in a fantastic thatch-roofed house in a secure, boomed, nature reserve. We bought the house at exactly the right time before the housing prices sky-rocketed. House-prices are a fraction of those in Europe. We can take wonderful family-walks in the reserve. We see wild animals and birds daily. The weather is great. Younger dd attends a small playgroup with a very dedicated and gifted teacher. Horse-riding and music lessons are cheap compared to European prices. I can easily afford domestic help - a weekly cleaner, gardener and daily childminder/tutor. I understand the humour. There is a lot of open space. My husband, children and I were all born in this country and it is still "home". Colleen - you're welcome to stay over if you ever visit South Africa. We can put down a row of camping mattresses for your boys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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