Inheritance was stolen

[Little Nyssa]

Has anyone been through something like this?

 

My uncle is being arrested today after a long investigation. He was the executor of Mom's estate, and dragged his feet giving us, my sibs and me, our share from the sale of her condo plus our shares in the family company started by my grandfather. After 2 1/2 years we asked a lawyer to investigate, and long story short, he took the money, plus "investments" from other elderly relatives, and put them into the family company, which he turned into, basically, a Ponzi scheme. He has been under Federal investigation. We were the first to notice something was amiss. Now he has been caught, and the arrest is to be today.

 

This is very painful because he was a moderately close relative & was my godfather when I was baptized as a baby. We have had Thanksgiving at his house numerous times.

 

How do you cope with this? Is it ever possible for a family relationship to be restored? I am not really angry with him about this, I am aghast and sorry for him, but my sibs are really mad and can not think about anything else in life right now. Is it possible to reach out with forgiveness or should one wait for some sign from him that he is sorry? Should one contact them at all? Leave them alone? OK, pray, but what else??? Thanks!!

[Unicorn.]

:grouphug: I don't have any advice for you. I would be in his face asking him what the H he was thinking, and did he know or care how many people he hurt. Forgiveness would not be on my radar. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Remudamom]

I was supposed to get all my grandmother's stuff but didn't. I was told she had expenses to be paid off. She probably did. I shrugged it off and didn't mention it. I didn't mind the money so much, but there were items in the house I wanted and didn't get, not even valuable. Water under the bridge.

[Krista in LA]

I don't really have any advice for you, just wanted to say you aren't alone. My situation is a little different, my grandparents had a trust with some prime Iowa farmland (about $1 million worth) in it that was supposed to be split between 6 of their grandkids after my grandmother, father and uncle passed. My uncle stole the land from my ailing grandmother for a fraction of what it was worth and now that he's gone, his kids get the whole shebang leaving my db, ds, and me with merely 1/6 each of the little bit of cash my grandmother had left after paying for years of living in a nursing home. My uncle actually passed before my grandmother. Instead of having found memories of him, I'm left with bad feelings wondering how my uncle could steal from us like that. In the meantime, the dream of maybe going back to Iowa and living on the family farm some day is gone.

 

Hugs to you. I know it hurts. It's not really about the money, but the pain from someone you love and trust stealing from you. Hopefully he will apologize and try to make some form of restitution to help with the healing.

 

:grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

Forgiveness is often more for the one doing the forgiving than for the one who wronged others anyway, so you might think about forgiving him so you can move on. But don't gloss over what he did, or say it was OK.

 

I'm sorry he made some very, very wrong decisions. I can only think that he was desperate or sick, or both, or just really warped. It's not an excuse, it's just an explanation.

 

He should make restitution, but he can never make it all better or wipe out what he did. However, you, as one who forgives him, will treat him as if all is restored, because that's how we treat others whom we have truly forgiven.

 

And if you can't forgive him, pray that one day you'll be able to, because life is a lot better when we are not carrying anger around.

[AuntieM]

OP, I am sorry you have been betrayed by this family member. Shocking and sad.

 

That said, after watching my in-law's family members act in the most hurtful irrational ways when divvying up grandma's estate a few years ago, I am prepared to let it ALL go rather than swim with that tide when it comes time for our own parents' possessions to be let go of.

 

When I was a teen, the neighbor across the street lost his wife to cancer. It was very sad. Be remarried and several years later, lost his second wife to cancer, too. While he sat with her in her final days at the hospital, her two sisters cleaned out his house. They robbed him of everything, including possessions of his first wife, all in the name of "helping out." very tragic for this very sweet man.

 

Dh is executor of his parents' estate, I am executor of mine. We have the number of a good locksmith ready to go when needed. ;)

[FlockOfSillies]

Forgiveness follows repentance. Period.

[JeneralMom]

OP, I am sorry you have been betrayed by this family member. Shocking and sad.

 

That said, after watching my in-law's family members act in the most hurtful irrational ways when divvying up grandma's estate a few years ago, I am prepared to let it ALL go rather than swim with that tide when it comes time for our own parents' possessions to be let go of.

 

When I was a teen, the neighbor across the street lost his wife to cancer. It was very sad. Be remarried and several years later, lost his second wife to cancer, too. While he sat with her in her final days at the hospital, her two sisters cleaned out his house. They robbed him of everything, including possessions of his first wife, all in the name of "helping out." very tragic for this very sweet man.

 

Dh is executor of his parents' estate, I am executor of mine. We have the number of a good locksmith ready to go when needed. ;)

 

My old boss had a similar situation - her DH was a widower and his deceased wife had a child when she was a teen who he raised as his own. This daughter hated that he was remarrying, and while they were on their honeymoon, broke into the house with the help of her aunts and took everything including some of my boss' clothes, her hairbrush, etc, along with photo albums, gifts, etc. Sad.

 

My uncle is the executor of my paternal g-ma's will. Her $$ has been in Swiss banks since WWII and he is the only one who knows the accounts as he has refused to give this information to any of his brothers. My father assumes that all the money in those accounts has been wiped out because my uncle "miraculously" saved his business and himself from going banckrupt on several occasions. On my mother's side, when my g-pa passed away, my uncle went in, took what he wanted, and bagged up the rest to "donate" to a shelter before any of us could get there. I had spoken to my g-ma before all this happened and mentioned that all I wanted was the 2 flannel shirts I had given him on X-Mas (he passed on Valentine's Day) so she had gone in right after we spoke and taken those, luckily, or we would have nothing. Sometimes, families suck.

[Mejane]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's hurtful. It has happened more than once in both my and dh's families. I keep hoping my father's wife grows a conscience and leaves at least some of Dad's money to his grandchildren instead of her own family, but I'm not holding my breath. Some things I don't forgive. :glare:

[AuntieM]

My old boss had a similar situation - her DH was a widower and his deceased wife had a child when she was a teen who he raised as his own. This daughter hated that he was remarrying, and while they were on their honeymoon, broke into the house with the help of her aunts and took everything including some of my boss' clothes, her hairbrush, etc, along with photo albums, gifts, etc. Sad.

 

My uncle is the executor of my paternal g-ma's will. Her $$ has been in Swiss banks since WWII and he is the only one who knows the accounts as he has refused to give this information to any of his brothers. My father assumes that all the money in those accounts has been wiped out because my uncle "miraculously" saved his business and himself from going banckrupt on several occasions. On my mother's side, when my g-pa passed away, my uncle went in, took what he wanted, and bagged up the rest to "donate" to a shelter before any of us could get there. I had spoken to my g-ma before all this happened and mentioned that all I wanted was the 2 flannel shirts I had given him on X-Mas (he passed on Valentine's Day) so she had gone in right after we spoke and taken those, luckily, or we would have nothing. Sometimes, families suck.

 

Wow, that's awful. FWIW, the reason we'd want locks changed is so we can ALL go in TOGETHER and not have those with access just start picking up a few favorite things here and there on their own time. I am willing to let it all go, but after witnessing several instances of the appointed executor not following any sort of logical plan, and big fights ensuing, we want to be double sure we stay above reproach.

[Murphy101]

You will likely never get repentance.

 

IME, people that do that honestly think they are entitled to it and more entitled to it that who it was meant for.

 

I view it as stealing from the dead and only one step above grave robbers.

It's not about the value or whether I wanted whatever.

It says something about the person's character that makes them reprehensibly intolerable to me. I didn't want, nor was I entitled to a single thing, from my mother or grandmother, but I will never be able to tolerate my sister for this reason. As far as I'm concerned, she stole from the dead. Even if it wasn't family and I found out, I'd be just as disgusted. Our own mother and grandparent? That just makes it worse.

 

But she honestly believes she was not only entitled to what she did, but right to do it and no one will ever convince her otherwise.

[Little Nyssa]

thank you everyone, for these posts. It seems that where money is concerned, sometimes family members can act in very strange ways... Hope we can resist the temptation when our turn comes.

[kalanamak]

:grouphug:

 

This was not some guy who saw some quiet opportunity to abuse being the executor. You know....all the glittery stuff ends up in his house....this is a major cheat who cheated in many parts of his life. He is, I'm sorry, a true criminal and may have been fueling some other horror in his life, like cocaine or expensive trophy girlfriends.

 

I would stay far away, but, if he'd been dear to me, I'd send him birthday cards, etc. in prison.

[TheAutumnOak]

This is an awful situation to be in...Something like this happened to my best freind when we were in college...Her mom died and left her $250,000 which she didn't want my friend to squander (we were 18 at the time)...She left my friend's aunt (the moms sister) in charge of the money until she got out of school...Well, the aunt spent the money...I still can't believe she could do that to her own sister and neice...

 

I don't think family relations will ever be the same after such a betrayal...Forgiveness doesn't mean going back to the way things were, it just means that you forgive the person...You can forgive, but sometimes things will still never be the same...

[Peela]

Probably family relations would not be the same...but you have to forgive him. You dont forgive someone for THEIR benefit...you do it for your own. You don't want hatred or bitterness sitting in YOUR heart- because you are the one who has to live with it...not him. He has to live with himself and what he has done.

 

Its money. DH and i have an agreement not to get attached or silly over any inheritance either of us are likely to get. Its extra..not anything we rely on, ever. We have already let it go. People go really crazy over that stuff..over money, over inheritanes. Peace is worth more than that.

 

One of my spiritual teachers has forgiven her childhood sexual abusers- within her family- and she has little to do wih him but at rare family gatherings, she speaks to him. But she is very real and down to earth- its not a superficial thing. I imagine he shakes in his shoes..and is deeply touched. Its very powerful to stand in your own power with someone who has done wrong by you...not angry, forgiving, but not letting them off the hook either. Thats love.