Are you afraid of divorce?

[JadeOrchidSong]

The hurt is real, civil or not. I lived through 5 divorces, my 4 siblings and my parents.

[JadeOrchidSong]

No.

Dh grew up with divorced parents, hated it, and he would never allow that to happen to his children.

 

But...if the impossible happened, my fears would revolve around my dc.

I know I can survive anything~but I don't want my dc to just survive, I want them to thrive and a divorce would traumatize them.

 

I am a child of divorced parents and witnessed all my 4 siblings divorces.

I can testify that children suffer more than anyone can imagine from a divorce. I was traumatized for years and finally Jesus rescued me from the pit of darkness.

[katemary63]

I hate to say it, but I am becoming less afraid of it. As much as I never believed it would be, it is becoming an option for me in my life. And what scared me about it was ruining my children by being the one making that choice...but I am realizing that my dh has made many "choices" in this marriage that have put me in this place.

 

I can make it financially if I need to, and if I need to figure out how to homeschool and work full-time, I will do that.

 

:grouphug:

[MomOfOneFunOne]

:lol: Maybe this was directed at me? :lol:

 

Just in case - No delusions about a fairy land life of happiness where nothing bad ever happens here. I've lived through plenty of pain and sadness. I've come from a broken home where I was sexually abused my entire life. I'm estranged from most of my family who all have emotional and/ or mental issues. My DH's family is a collosal collection of narcissists and loones. We've been through job losses, moves, and a complete change of lifestyle due to income loss. I've raised 3 teenagers (enough said). I've suffered devastating physical illnesses and had many surgeries. (At this date I have been completely disabled for 5 months! and still undiagnosed.) I've been through hell and back a few times I assure you. My eyes are wide open. But I do have faith in two things. Christ. And my DH. I think our 28 years together speak for something. Oh, that and the fact that through it all, we are still dileriously happy with each other and eternally committed to our relationship which is the most important thing in our lives besides the God we both worship. :tongue_smilie:

 

No, KateMary, it was just my answer. In fact, I didn't really read many of the answers and had to find yours to see what it could have said that made you say that.

 

It's just my answer. I like your answer and it wasn't in any way a comentary on your answer.

 

I kind of meant that I have a good life. I go through life like nothing bad will ever happen. I do realize that that's kind of silly. That's all. nothing meant.

[smrtmama]

No. I've done it and I survived intact. I work to keep my marriage strong for its own sake, not out of fear of divorce.

[eternalknot]

Divorce doesn't frighten me, no.

 

My husband and I have no divorces in either of our families, nor any prior divorces between us. He and I have lived separately for several years, but we maintain shared finances and all other senses of a marriage. Divorce is a possibility for us, perhaps moreso than for others, but it's not something that drives our relationship. It's not currently on the table, or anything.

 

If we were to divorce, I don't worry about the after effects too much. He spent so many years deployed and whatnot that the kids have never been accustomed to having him around on an everyday basis. He struggled with PTSD so even when he was home, he wasn't living with us full-time for the safety of the kids. We have an agreement regarding time with the kids, including holidays and visits with extended family. Nothing much would change in this regard, whatever our legal status.

 

I work outside of the home, and have the flexibility to increase or decrease my hours every month as needed. My husband is financially supporting the bulk of my household so that I can continue to homeschool. He's an honorable man in that regard, and I don't worry that he would let our children suffer financially, or to otherwise go without. If for some freak reason he did, I have the means to work more and maintain our current lifestyle (including homeschool).

 

A divorce wouldn't really change our everyday lives all that much, I don't think. If I fear anything, it would be how a divorce might affect my husband's emotional health. I think he would become a hermit, maybe a martyr, and convince himself he didn't deserve any one else or any happiness in general. He's like that. I don't want my kids to have that memory of their dad. I don't worry about me. I know I'd find companionship, whether romantic or not, and be able to move forward. I'm like that.

[Scarlett]

I've been divorced, I survived, and I made a good life for myself. But I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. However bad you think divorce might be, it is exponentially worse. Of course, when you only have crappy choices, sometimes divorce is the best one. That doesn't mean it isn't h*ll.

 

I agree with this. For me it was the ONLY option. I could not continue in a marriage with a man who was so adulterous. However, it was a tortorous process getting to where I am now. So when I see marriages crumbling that *I* feel could be saved my heart just breaks. I have a young friend right now in my life with 4 children who is so bad at marriage that I fear she will end up divorced AGAIN....and I just want to shake her!

 

There is so much heartbreak involved in divorce. I wish I could write a book and warn everyone how much pain they will be in or cause if they refuse to protect their marriage.

 

And all of the above was how it affected ME. That doesn't even take into account the very real pain the children of divorce face. I have moved on. I am married to a wonderful man who treats me like a queen. However, ds10 doesn't have the option of 'moving' on from his father. He is stuck with a life of having his FOO fractured.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

So, just out of curiosity . . .

 

I think he would become a hermit, maybe a martyr,

 

What does that mean?

[Audrey]

My husband and I have no divorces in either of our families, nor any prior divorces between us.

 

 

This is dh and I. We both grew up never witnessing divorce in our families. It was a real shocker and a half when dh's sister divorced her husband last year. Divorce is so far out of our realms of experience that we were just gobsmacked.

[eternalknot]

So, just out of curiosity . . .

 

 

 

What does that mean?

 

On their last deployment, my husband lost some very close friends. He goes through periods of feeling undeserving of the good things in his life, and guilty for having those when others (he presumes) are/were more worthy. Big time survivor's guilt and intermittent emotional fragility.

 

He's healed considerably, but I think a divorce would spiral him backwards and maybe "prove" to him what he fears is true. I worry he could become a martyr in the sense that he would spend the rest of his life suffering under the presumption that he isn't worthy of happiness or love. He's already an incredible introvert, and I honestly believe he'd only ever leave the house to get fresh produce (he already gets other groceries online) and the occasional Starbucks. In another 8 years he'll be able to draw from his pension, earning enough to be able to support himself on it alone. If we were divorced, he'd probably do just that and rot away in his house, never seeking companionship of either gender, a shell of the man I married.

 

That's not a factor in our deciding to stay married; I wouldn't stay in it if I didn't believe this was just a season we were passing through and he was working through. My first obligation is to the emotional health and security of our children, not his. But we both know pretty well that he'd likely go down that path. We've discussed it. That's what I mean about transparency; we can talk about anything, and often - we do talk. About everything.

[Carrie12345]

Dh and I have made it through so much in the past decade that I can't imagine what it WOULD take to split us up, so it isnt' something I worry too much about.

 

That said, I know I'd get through it okay. I've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly with my parents' divorce, and I know which parts I'd copy and which ones I'd correct.

[Nakia]

I'm kinda late to this thread, but I wanted to respond anyway. I don't think "afraid" is the right word because I'm not scared that my marriage is going to end. I know I would be absolutely devastated if there was a reason we had to divorce. I would be scared of the process of divorce and the affects on my, my husband, and our children. I am a child of divorced parents, and even though I grew up with a wonderful stepfather, I still have a lot of "daddy issues". I am almost 33 and just now working through those issues. I don't want my daughters to live like that.

[Renee in NC]

I am not afraid of divorce - I have been through several with my parents (my father is on his 4th and my mother on her 3rd.) It isn't some unknown quantity to me. I am not afraid of a loss of standard of living.:lol::tongue_smilie: I am not afraid to be alone.

 

However, I do *not* want to have to go through the whole child back and forth thing that I have with my oldest (his father and I never married.) I cannot even imagine the devastation a divorce would have on my dc. I also cannot imagine my life without dh - we've been through so much together!

 

Of course, we would continue on, probably following the basic plan we have in place now. I just can't imagine.

[Joanne]

No, I am not. I am by far more afraid of having a marriage that makes divorce a viable option. Or, worse yet, a necessary one.

 

Originally Posted by LizzyBee

I've been divorced, I survived, and I made a good life for myself. But I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. However bad you think divorce might be, it is exponentially worse. Of course, when you only have crappy choices, sometimes divorce is the best one. That doesn't mean it isn't h*ll.

 

True story.

 

However, I no longer use "divorce" and "marriage" in a strict, narrow sense. Very often when we speak about either on this board, we define divorce and marriage by the presence or absence of pieces of paper.

 

For me, *divorce* is a state of being, not paper. My divorced happened long before August 6, 2006.

 

Anyway, I don't fear divorce. I do know that if something happened to my marriage or (more likely), to my husband, I would not marry again.

 

In the meantime, I am here out of intention, decision, wilingness and choice - not fear of the alternative.

[annandatje]

No, I do not fear divorce although I would prefer not to experience it. However, remote possibility of divorce was one of reasons why I kept my foot in the door professionally by working at least part-time.

[holdoll]

Having seen the effect on my mother..... I do fear it a little, as she and I have similar personalities. She never got over the divorce, never put her life back together, was embittered and also narrowed by the experience. I hope I would learn from her reaction: ensuring that I kept up with/made friends and didn't become so obsessively focused on myself and my trials. Watching her stew for thirty-five years has been... hard, however.

Laura

 

Wow. This.

 

I would just add that my father left my mother after 27 years of marriage. She was 50 and he never wanted her to work outside the home, so she ended up waitressing. I use to get up in the middle of the night to fill a tub with warm water so she could soak her feet. Now I'm turning 50 next month, haven't been in the work force for 12 years, and am feeling a little creepy about it. Don't know why. DH is an awesome hubby.