Please help me decide what to say

[Journey]

so my daughter works at a pizza parlor (is that what they're still called?!) and is having problems with two of the girls there. My daughter is very sensitive but she is NOT a crier and last night she got in the car and cried. She has been working there for a lil more than a month. For the last 2-3 weeks she has been saying that two of the girls are being very, very rude to her. One of them is a 17 year old pot smoking, drinking, sleeping with her on his way to jail boyfriend who works there almost full time. This girl was basically mocking my daughter because daughter doesn't go to "Friday" night parties and has never gotten high or drunk. The other girl is a year younger (15) and rides horses as does my daughter. My daughter is a better rider (they are in the same lesson) and has a wall of ribbons to prove it so it's not just me being an obnoxious mother. I feel like these two trash cans are trying to make it so horrible for my daughter that she will just quit but she will not do that. She has a horse to pay for and she WANTS to work. I on the other hand don't want her to go back there. She wants me to call her boss, which I am totally fine with but.....I don't want to sound like an overprotective bore of a mother who thinks her kid can and does no wrong. She's not perfect believe me but I am very, very proud of the person she is and she DOES NOT deserve this abuse. Her boss is a young guy who drinks alot himself but he, from what I understand, is a business man when he needs to be (he owns the pizza parlor), SO....what can I say to him...by the way, his brother owns another pizza parlor in town and I was thinking of asking him to transfer her over to the other shop. What would say or do? Thanks so much!.....EDITED TO ADD.....I don't want to call her boss as I think it would be better coming from her but I want her to know that I will if she can't do it. I just told her this and she is fine with it. She said "we'll see how things go". I also keep telling her to just do her job, do it well and leave when she's done. So much easier said than done, at least for me.

Edited November 19, 2010 by Journey

[JudoMom]

I think your dd needs to talk with the boss, not you. I just don't see any way that you calling will be well received. :grouphug:, and I'm sorry your dd is having to deal with this!

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

I hope this does not offend you, but here's what I think:

 

If she is 17, she is incredibly fortunate to have a job. I would start with that notion, if she hasn't already considered it.

 

It sounds like she does want to work. Sadly, working with jerks is part of working. She should learn to deal with rude people now, before her mortgage or her child depend upon her ability to put up with yucky stuff at work.

 

(I may not be the best to give advice to a homeschool mom, because my own home situation was not good and I left home at just-turned-17. Many of my jobs and living situations over the next few years were absolutely awful. I know how soul-sucking it is for a delicate girl to be in situation like that. Still, I'm glad I learned to deal with those things early.)

[love2read]

Our children all work once they are 15 and several of them have started off in places that had people similar to those your dd is working with. You really shouldn't get involved with her employer. Tell her how to deal with the situation and remind her that she can look for another job soon. She should ignore the girls, not show that she is upset and start looking for a new job. The job experience is valuable, especially if she is using a cash register. It will help her get another job if she can stick it out a few more months. It's very hard not to jump to your child's defense, I know! This is the time in their life that you have to prepare them for the future and independence by guiding them not leading. It's hard :grouphug: Remember, sticks and stones. Places to look for a job with higher quality people-clothing stores, nurseries and flower shops, fast food places that don't have people hidden in the back (e.g., subway).

[NorthwestMom]

Your daughter definitely needs to talk to her boss herself. It's a huge lesson in growing up, but if you're old enough to hold a job, you're too old for your mom to intervene for you.

 

That being said, she needs to tell him how miserable her coworkers are treating her, and ask for his help in helping them all get along better, since she is not planning to quit. I think asking for help shows maturity, instead of quitting with no attempt to seek help for the problem. Maybe you two could role play the conversation a few times before she has it.

 

Good luck to her!

[kalanamak]

She wants you to call her boss and say what? To tell the girls to knock it off? To fire them? I'm not clear.

 

Personally, I'd try laughter first. She should just crack up over everything they say. I was a "good" girl and was belittled mercilessly on my first jobs (as well as in school), until I got work where lots of business-like college students worked. Every time one of the guys started talking about "pushing me around the place with a sausage" (while hoisting a HUGE roll of burger meat), I would crack up and say something like "you must be smoking something" or "give me a magnifying glass". They shut up shortly after figuring out I was not scratched by their comments.

 

I'd take the "in your face insult" any day over the "smile in your face, and stab in the back" co-worker.

 

:grouphug: for you daughter. I was there, oh, I was there.

[Journey]

Thanks for the replies so far. I think part of the reason she wants me to call him is because he is a customer of ours (insurance business) so I kind of know who he is. Secondly, she is so upset that I don't think she's really thinking this through. I don't want to call him as I do think it's her place to be the one to say something to him but I don't think there is any private place in the shop that she can talk to him and every time she works one of the two girls is working too. She has to work with one of them again tonight and I know she's dreading it. This kid has suffered bullying in school and now at work and I just don't want her to think that trying to be an upstanding, honest, caring person who has integrity is isn't worth it. She tries so hard in everything that she does and succeeds only to get kicked in the gut for it.

[lionfamily1999]

Your daughter definitely needs to talk to her boss herself. It's a huge lesson in growing up, but if you're old enough to hold a job, you're too old for your mom to intervene for you.

 

That being said, she needs to tell him how miserable her coworkers are treating her, and ask for his help in helping them all get along better, since she is not planning to quit. I think asking for help shows maturity, instead of quitting with no attempt to seek help for the problem. Maybe you two could role play the conversation a few times before she has it.

 

Good luck to her!

:iagree:

--------------------------------------

O/P:

First, she should seek to fix the situation herself. I'm going to say that skipping talking to the coworkers is okay here. It seems, to me, clear that they are doing this on purpose. So, going to her boss is the next step. Roll playing is a good idea, so she's prepared. Just make sure that YOU are honest when you "play" the boss. You might even let her play "boss" so you can get an idea of what she thinks will happen.

 

There are laws to protect us from harrassment at work. Not recommending a lawyer or anything, I just think she needs to know that creating a working environment where someone feels the way she feels is wrong and that wrongness is not just semantics, it's law :) IOW, she is justified in her feelings.

 

If the boss refuses to do anything to remedy this hostile working environment, you could go one of two ways. Mama Bear can go talk some sense into him, dd could get a lesson in how to fight harrassment from a legal standpoint, or she could move on and learn that there is always another job somewhere.

[katemary63]

I agree with others. Once a kid is working, they need to handle these things themselves. You should not be calling your DD's boss for any reason.

 

My DD was in the exact same situation with her first job ever. At first, she LOVED it. She is a VERY hard worker, responsible,honest, kind, respectfull and doesn't swear. The boss started to praise her. Then, of course, the jealousy set in and a few other girls (same kind you described)started to harrass her and lie about her. There is no getting around this. It WILL happen to people of good standards and ethics. At first my DD was devastated that this job she loved so much was spoiled by these spoiled bratts. But after a few conversations with her dad and I and some time, she realized that it was not worth the emotional weight she gave it.

 

She talked to her boss and the girls. My DD is VERY introverted and it was very hard for her, but it had to be done. Well, things did not get better and the boss did not support her or defend her. She did give it some time and try to stick it out. In the end, we decided that at 18, a job at a restaurant was not the end all and be all of life. She is in college studying to be a nurse for goodness sake, she doesn't need to stress about a job at Subway! She wrote a very frank letter to the boss detailing everything and quit.

 

Minimum wage jobs in our town aren't that hard to find so we didn't worry about that. If we were worried that she might not find another job, she might have stayed, I don't know. But heck, life's too short and we wanted her to be focused on school. Staying would not have solved the problem. These two girls would have caused her grief forever. That's probably the situation your DD is in. She'll either get harrassed daily, or she'll have to quit. These kinds of people don't change and if they do their job, many bosses don't care enough about interpersonal issues to enforce a better atmosphere. Some do though.

 

Good luck. I feel bad for you DD because life isn't fair and she's right in the middle of that. Yuck.

Edited November 19, 2010 by katemary63

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Thanks for the replies so far. I think part of the reason she wants me to call him is because he is a customer of ours (insurance business) so I kind of know who he is. Secondly, she is so upset that I don't think she's really thinking this through. I don't want to call him as I do think it's her place to be the one to say something to him but I don't think there is any private place in the shop that she can talk to him and every time she works one of the two girls is working too. She has to work with one of them again tonight and I know she's dreading it. This kid has suffered bullying in school and now at work and I just don't want her to think that trying to be an upstanding, honest, caring person who has integrity is isn't worth it. She tries so hard in everything that she does and succeeds only to get kicked in the gut for it.

 

Maybe she needs to go in on a day or time when she isn't working, like before opening.

 

She might want to consider asking to talk to two people, so that she's not in the shop alone with the manager. Perhaps the manager and someone who's been there awhile that she does work well with.

 

I'm not sure what he's a customer of yours for, but it seems that entangling two different relationships might be a problem (dd and boss, customer and your business).

 

There are, unfortunately, a lot of jerks in the world. Learning how to ignore them, deal with them, turn them around or stand up to them is perhaps just as valued a job skill as learning how to serve pizza.

 

Has she been there an amount of time that asking for some feedback on how she's doing her job would be appropriate? Maybe she could mention as part of that the fact that she is feeling a bit out of place with her coworkers because they don't enjoy the same activities out of work (ie, partying), but that she's enjoying the job and doing her best at it.

[Catwoman]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm sorry your dd has to deal with this, but I'm relatively certain the other girls aren't going to change, so your dd may have to either learn to deal with them, or find another job.

 

If it were me, I'd quit and never look back. It certainly doesn't sound like you'd have a problem if she left the job, so why does she feel it's so important to keep a job she doesn't enjoy? I know she has a horse to pay for, but are there truly no other jobs available?

 

Cat

[myfunnybunch]

I too think she needs to talk to her boss herself. Bosses tend not to respond well to phone calls from parents. If she's really struggling with advocating for herself, perhaps you could drive her ("running errands together" or "on our way to shop together") at a time when the boss is free and wait for your dd. If the shop is so small that there's no private place to talk, you'll be able to hear the conversation and he will be aware that you're there, but your dd can speak for herself.

 

Some encouragement and and support and coaching on how to advocate for herself, finding those people in her workplace who are pleasant to be around, and how deal with difficult people would probably help.

 

I also think that, in your shoes, I'd be encouraging her to look for another job and quit as soon she finds one. It might take some time and a diplomatic response to the question "Why do you want to leave your current job?" but if she must have a job it might be best for her to find one elsewhere.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[Mom0012]

I think your dd needs to talk with the boss, not you. I just don't see any way that you calling will be well received. :grouphug:, and I'm sorry your dd is having to deal with this!

 

:iagree:

[RanchGirl]

oh this sounds like a difficult situation for your poor dd!! Other than making fun of her for not behaving like a hooligan, I didn't get exactly what the girls are doing that is mean. If it is constant mocking or bullying type behavior, or harassment or something else unprofessional, she should let the boss know that she is uncomfortable working there because A and B are doing XYZ. If it is just a personality conflict, or just the occasional verbal insult, I would suggest she either find a way to deal with it or ask the boss to transfer. I would not give the reason unless she has clear cut examples to share with the manager/owner of misbehavior on the part of A and B. As in 'A turned the oven up and burned the pizzas I was making', or she left the lids loose on the pepper shakers, or whatever, preferably examples that both show the meanness you mentioned and show things that harm the business. Even so, since there are two (actually 3 with the boyfriend) of them and one of her, they may lie so she might need some kind of evidence.

 

Either way, I think she should do it, not you. And if she doesn't get the result she wants, she may have to quit -- perhaps a good lesson that sometimes your integrity and/or mental health are worth more than a paycheck. In the meantime, she should make herself look like the model employee, arriving early, acting professional, working hard, being friendly to customers, and generally going out of her way to improve things there. This will go along way toward getting the boss on her side should it come down to 'they go or I go.'

[Liz CA]

Perhaps laughter will work in this situation because these girls are trying to get her upset.

She can also just declare with a shrug of shoulders:"You live your life, I live mine." Easy to say for an adult, I know.

 

I would not call the boss. She needs to do it herself if she really wants to but I think it would be better dealt with directly with the girls.

Role play and give her some good lines so she'll feel more confident.

[bettyandbob]

Even if you know the boss, it's her job and she needs to talk to him. She needs to prepare ahead, maybe write down her own cheat sheet to refer to, to help her stay focused as she presents the problem. As another poster said it would probably be best to go in on a day she isn't working, if not before opening, during a nonbusy time.

 

If she still wants to go to the other pizza business, she needs to ask her boss directly if he could give her a recommendation to apply there, unless the brothers are actually partners and then she should ask for a transfer. However, she may encounter similar coworkers--have you actually checked the place out?

 

She will encounter difficult coworkers all of her life, so this is a good lesson. You need to watch how things develop with this situation, but she needs to take the first step in dealing with it.

[2cents]

I'm afraid that if you call her boss it would only make things worse. Unfortunately dealing with these kind of people is the 'real world' and aside from giving her pointers, I'd let her work her way around the situation. One thing you might suggest is that she try to find another place to work in the meantime so that she can leave but have another job.

 

While I think that learning to deal with workplace bullies is something we all need to learn, I don't think it means enduring their behavior forever if there is the option of finding another, more pleasant environment. I hope things get better for your daughter soon.