sewpeaceful Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 My SIL is finishing her teaching degree. She is in the classroom now and loves it. Honestly, she is so excited, I am thrilled for the kids in their system to have someone who will truly love teaching them. I recognize not everyone can, should, or wants to homeschool so hurray for the kids in the class who get teachers like her. They won't forget her, that is for sure. :) Unfortunately, she and my brother (DB?) are very against homeschooling and how we raise our kids (Christian and at home). While my SIL tries to be respectful, she still manages to make poking remarks against homeschooling, reasons, and how WONDERFUL the PS system is (she is new and I recognize this). My DB makes cutting remarks about how our kids are raised in the background, rolls his eyes, just complete disrespect for our choices. Do I agree with their choices? Goodness no but I can respect them. I have bitten my tongue over and over for the sake of peace in our family. To add insult to injury, with us back on the east coast, we are all meeting at mom and dad's for Christmas for the first time in 5 years. Seriously, I don't want to be the fly in the ointment and ruin the Christmas plans by politely asking them to respect our choices and keep their opinions to themselves. My DB does not have a reputation for handling those conversations gracefully and it would likely start WW3. But on the same note, I am sick of the passive aggressive remarks to me and in the background. Surely I am not alone in my struggles of lack of support and critical remarks from family. Has anyone had success in politely getting them to back off? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 My SIL is finishing her teaching degree. She is in the classroom now and loves it. Honestly, she is so excited, I am thrilled for the kids in their system to have someone who will truly love teaching them. I recognize not everyone can, should, or wants to homeschool so hurray for the kids in the class who get teachers like her. They won't forget her, that is for sure. :) Unfortunately, she and my brother (DB?) are very against homeschooling and how we raise our kids (Christian and at home). While my SIL tries to be respectful, she still manages to make poking remarks against homeschooling, reasons, and how WONDERFUL the PS system is (she is new and I recognize this). My DB makes cutting remarks about how our kids are raised in the background, rolls his eyes, just complete disrespect for our choices. Do I agree with their choices? Goodness no but I can respect them. I have bitten my tongue over and over for the sake of peace in our family. To add insult to injury, with us back on the east coast, we are all meeting at mom and dad's for Christmas for the first time in 5 years. Seriously, I don't want to be the fly in the ointment and ruin the Christmas plans by politely asking them to respect our choices and keep their opinions to themselves. My DB does not have a reputation for handling those conversations gracefully and it would likely start WW3. But on the same note, I am sick of the passive aggressive remarks to me and in the background. Surely I am not alone in my struggles of lack of support and critical remarks from family. Has anyone had success in politely getting them to back off? Here's the deal with boundaries and boundary challenged people: you can't have it both ways. You can't firmly establish and enforce a boundary with a boundary challenged person and "keep the peace" as it is defined in most family settings. You have a choice: keep the peace per your family's definition OR be ready to establish real boundaries, enforce them and live with the family fall out in terms of awdwardness or drama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sewpeaceful Posted October 14, 2010 Author Share Posted October 14, 2010 Here's the deal with boundaries and boundary challenged people: you can't have it both ways. You can't firmly establish and enforce a boundary with a boundary challenged person and "keep the peace" as it is defined in most family settings. You have a choice: keep the peace per your family's definition OR be ready to establish real boundaries, enforce them and live with the family fall out in terms of awdwardness or drama. Toushe. I am simply hoping to find a grey area for the sake of my parents and my sanity to hold us until after Christmas. Mom and dad have been looking forward to this Christmas with everyone together for too long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 I think you send them a note or email saying: "Listen... I understand that homeschooling is not for everybody and that it's not a choice you would make. Nevertheless, it is a choice that *I* have made, and even if you don't understand it or agree with it, I am asking that you respect it and to refrain from underhanded comments, eye rolls, sarcastic digs, etc every time the subject comes up in the interest of maintaining a good relationship between us. Thanks." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 I agree with Nance. Discuss it with them briefly beforehand. I am also working on a teaching degree and I've been working in the school system this (calendar) year. I absolutely LOVE it also. Like you, I agree that not everyone should homeschool and that students in the system need great teachers. I would sandwich your request with something to this effect to express how much you are glad that the students she'll have will have such an enthusiastic and diligent teacher. There is no reason that establishing a healthy boundary needs to mean drama. They probably don't want drama when the family is altogether either. They may not have even really thought about what they were doing. I surely have made enough comments I wish I hadn't the next day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy loves Bud Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 I don't want to be the fly in the ointment and ruin the Christmas plans by politely asking them to respect our choices and keep their opinions to themselves. My DB does not have a reputation for handling those conversations gracefully and it would likely start WW3. You are not the fly in the ointment here. They are. Don't bring it up, yourself. If they do, ask them to show the same respect for your family as you do theirs and change the subject. Then refuse to engage any further. Sorry you have to deal with it, and I hope your DB will be able to bite his tongue for the sake of a family holiday. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 You are not the fly in the ointment here. They are. Sorry you have to deal with it, and I hope your DB will be able to bite his tongue for the sake of a family holiday. :grouphug: :iagree: My thoughts exactly. Bring it up before - you could also mention that you do not want those sorts of remarls made in front of your children as they undermine your authority..... This is his problem - not yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
msjones Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 Hmmm...if your sister-in-law is that smug, rude, and close-minded I'm not sure she'll be the great teacher you hope she'll be. :glare: She'll come across all kinds of families in a public school and had better learn to at least feign respect for different perspectives or she's in for a rude awakening. I agree with Nance -- contact them ahead of time and strongly request a ban on discussing this topic out of respect for your parents (since they won't do it out of respect for you). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TxMama Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 You are not the fly in the ointment here. They are. Don't bring it up, yourself. If they do, ask them to show the same respect for your family as you do theirs and change the subject. Then refuse to engage any further. Sorry you have to deal with it, and I hope your DB will be able to bite his tongue for the sake of a family holiday. :grouphug: :iagree::iagree: You are not alone in dealing with this type of situation. These type of situations aren't limited to relatives who are teaching in PS! With my own DB, it is just best if we are not together because he cannot resist the comments,etc. regarding our choices. We had to make this unfortunate decision when the comments started being directed towards the kids and becoming increasing derogatory. It really upset my parents when we started avoiding these confrontations but just avoiding DB's company. We were the bad guys for a long time. Best of luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 Hmmm...if your sister-in-law is that smug, rude, and close-minded I'm not sure she'll be the great teacher you hope she'll be. :glare: She'll come across all kinds of families in a public school and had better learn to at least feign respect for different perspectives or she's in for a rude awakening. :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 I like what Nance and Joanne have to say. My own experience suggests that there is no gray, middle ground when it comes to people who lack manners. Set the boundaries. It'll be unpleasant in the short term, but much, much more peaceful over the long term. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosy Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 Some people say stupid things without realizing it or meaning to. I am one of those people. :P And new teachers tend to be overzealous. I would politely ask her to keep her comments to herself as others have suggested...but also realize it will likely pass in a few years. This wouldn't work in every situation (and probably not yours for at least a few years), but after years of dealing with my mom's negative perception of homeschooling (she's been a ps teacher for 18 years) for years, I showed her my curriculum one day. I think when she saw the books we use (she LOVED SOTW!!) and could see the results we're getting, homeschooling suddenly didn't seem so scary. She came to realize that I'm not just reacting to a negative perception to ps, but that I have put thought and care into how and why I homeschool. She still once in a while will encourage me to "be able to take a break from my kids every day"...but I think she finally realizes they're getting a great education and that I'm not likely to change my mind anyway. Again, it probably wouldn't work with a new teacher--the combination of zeal and inexperience makes it hard for them to look outside their own perspective...but there is hope that in time they'll be able to appreciate what you're doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sewpeaceful Posted October 14, 2010 Author Share Posted October 14, 2010 Some people say stupid things without realizing it or meaning to. I am one of those people. :P And new teachers tend to be overzealous. I would politely ask her to keep her comments to herself as others have suggested...but also realize it will likely pass in a few years. This wouldn't work in every situation (and probably not yours for at least a few years), but after years of dealing with my mom's negative perception of homeschooling (she's been a ps teacher for 18 years) for years, I showed her my curriculum one day. I think when she saw the books we use (she LOVED SOTW!!) and could see the results we're getting, homeschooling suddenly didn't seem so scary. She came to realize that I'm not just reacting to a negative perception to ps, but that I have put thought and care into how and why I homeschool. She still once in a while will encourage me to "be able to take a break from my kids every day"...but I think she finally realizes they're getting a great education and that I'm not likely to change my mind anyway. Again, it probably wouldn't work with a new teacher--the combination of zeal and inexperience makes it hard for them to look outside their own perspective...but there is hope that in time they'll be able to appreciate what you're doing. Rosy, I completely agree which is why I am doing my very best to give her wiggle room and lots of grace on this issue. It is simply tiring. And then for my db to make comments like my kids are sheltered (they're not) because they don't know who Taylor Swift is, give me a break. Some mom pulled her kid out of school to homeschool her because she wants her daughter to start learning another language. The criticism of this poor mom, behind her back to me, was outrageous which only illustrated how poorly my SIL thinks of homeschooling, homeschoolers, and how "inadequately prepared we are to educate our kids in things we don't know". Sigh.... I have a strong hunch she won't be quite so enthusiastic in a few years after red tape, politics, parents, day in and day out... the honeymoon will eventually end. Thank you everyone for your ideas and feedback. Time to pray on it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 I agree with Nance. Discuss it with them briefly beforehand. I am also working on a teaching degree and I've been working in the school system this (calendar) year. I absolutely LOVE it also. Like you, I agree that not everyone should homeschool and that students in the system need great teachers. I would sandwich your request with something to this effect to express how much you are glad that the students she'll have will have such an enthusiastic and diligent teacher. There is no reason that establishing a healthy boundary needs to mean drama. They probably don't want drama when the family is altogether either. They may not have even really thought about what they were doing. I surely have made enough comments I wish I hadn't the next day. As a former public school teacher, I so agree with this. I loved being in the classroom. I love teaching. There are times I very much miss it. I don't however miss the politics, the inability to truely help children needing help because they don't fit some ridiculous guideline, and so on. I was once a very enthusiastic teahcer who didn't like or trust homeschoolers. Obviously time changed my perspective. Hmmm...if your sister-in-law is that smug, rude, and close-minded I'm not sure she'll be the great teacher you hope she'll be. :glare: She'll come across all kinds of families in a public school and had better learn to at least feign respect for different perspectives or she's in for a rude awakening. I agree with Nance -- contact them ahead of time and strongly request a ban on discussing this topic out of respect for your parents (since they won't do it out of respect for you). I agree, but I also disagree. Sometimes it is easier to show respect in settings outside of the family. With family too many feel that they have the right to say anything just because they are family - you know, family means no boundaries or that since they are family they need to be 'rescued ' from such erroneous thinking. You need to remember that SIL has had 4 years of college with 'trained professionals' telling her that she is gifted, talented, and doing a specialized calling that only a few can truly do well. She has spent lots of money to 'learn how to teach'. She is working in an environment where homeschooled children are most likely only seen if the families failed at homeschooling - or never even attempted to homeschool and the children are now back and further behind that ever. (that is why I didn't like homeschooling families when I was teaching) She may not realize that it wasn't homeschoolling that failed, but that the family may be one of those dysfunctional families that won't do well in public school either (or life for that matter) but like everyone else will blame it on the homeschooling. She hasn't seen the hundreds of successful homeschool families, or even considered that there may be that many successful families. All this SIL knows is that she is well trained has an education that someone else doesn't. When I was teaching I often heard education professionals compare parents homeschooling as similar to having brain surgery done by someone who was never in medical school - essentially that it is foolish to do it when you haven't been taught the necessary skills. Which led to the agrument that without a teaching degree, a parent would never have the necessary skills. Go visit your parents. Don't let your decision to homeschool separate family. Count the days. Really, just ignore the SIL and BIL as much as possible. Consider them brain washed. Turn what they are saying into a joke or something. Change the subject. Pull out a card game or Trivial Pursuit and ask them to play. Let her know you are happy to see that she has a job she enjoys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 (edited) I'd probably say something along the lines of "You know, you're really new at this. How about you and I have this discussion in five years when you've got your feet wet?" You can say it with a wink like you're half-kidding, although I wouldn't. I agree they're being rude and then some. Edited October 14, 2010 by Mejane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 (edited) Ugh. If it were my family I could just say something like "Hey, ruin your own kids and leave mine alone!", and grin and it would be finished. Actually, my family is the best at not commenting on our homeschooling unless they have something positive to say. Just last night my sil called me with some of her advice/comments/whatever and before she got started I just said "I am not going to listen to any of this right now." I was good. I could have said "If you had any children at all I might be tempted to listen to you, but sorry, being a know it all PS teacher just doesn't cut it." There. My rant is over, maybe I'll stop steaming now. If I were you I'd wade in looking for a fight and head them off at the pass. Cut 'em off at the knees. Knock 'em flat and then have extra dessert. Edited October 14, 2010 by Remudamom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sewpeaceful Posted October 14, 2010 Author Share Posted October 14, 2010 Ugh. If it were my family I could just say something like "Hey, ruin your own kids and leave mine alone!", and grin and it would be finished. Actually, my family is the best at not commenting on our homeschooling unless they have something positive to say. Just last night my sil called me with some of her advice/comments/whatever and before she got started I just said "I am not going to listen to any of this right now." I was good. I could have said "If you had any children at all I might be tempted to listen to you, but sorry, being a know it all PS teacher just doesn't cut it." There. My rant is over, maybe I'll stop steaming now. If I were you I'd wade in looking for a fight and head them off at the pass. Cut 'em off at the knees. Knock 'em flat and then have extra dessert. :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: Probably the funniest thing I have read on the boards in some time. THANKS! I needed the laugh. I can only imagine my melodramatic family reacting to ME doing that. Their mouths would be on the floor for days! Too funny. Aaaahhhh... a girl can dream about such fun, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: Probably the funniest thing I have read on the boards in some time. THANKS! I needed the laugh. I can only imagine my melodramatic family reacting to ME doing that. Their mouths would be on the floor for days! Too funny. Aaaahhhh... a girl can dream about such fun, right? I think you should go for it. Show up with a pair of boxing gloves. They'd be talking about it for years. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 I like the idea of sending them a private e-mail before the actual get together. Maybe also stating that Dad and Mom are so looking forward to seeing everyone and let's put our differences on this topic aside for our visit. Have a great time:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 this school year started as my sister's first year of teaching school--3rd grade I think....she hasn't said she's against it but sometimes she asks me "what do we do for this topic"? or "do you do this?" she knows homeschooling works becuase she says she's never met a kid at the same age as my son who reads as well as he does LOL so she knows we're doing something-she's always telling me how bright and smart he is.....probably not her cup of tea but she doesn't come out and tell me I'm WRONG for doing it......she knows there are different ways to do things and homeschooling is just another way to learn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iona Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 they may feel defensive by default. my mom is a ps teacher and it is hard for it not to feel a little awkward. in my decision to homeschool, i am in a way questioning the whole system she has been working so hard for, for the last 25 years...and this is all without negative comments on either side. it doesn't have to involve drama, but the elephant is in the room. trying to keep it a smallish elephant. i'm learning all about respectfully disagreeing.:001_smile: i really hope you guys have a good Christmas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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