You all bite your tongues too much

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

I've been reading a lot of, "I really wanted to say xxxxxxx but managed to keep my mouth shut" or one of it's many variations and while one one hand I applaud the self contol the ladies on this forum apparently have I'm often wishing you didn't. In some cases i feel like speaking up would be a public service for the rest of us that feel your frustration also or at the very least it would make for more interesting down time reading. :D

 

 

Just my two cents. :tongue_smilie:

[Parrothead]

Well, I'm not one of the ladies with a lot of self control. At best I've been called bold. At worst rude.

[Mejane]

Well, I'm not one of the ladies with a lot of self control. At best I've been called bold. At worst rude.

 

I've been called worse than that. I need to start saying "Bless your heart!" more often. ;)

[Lisa R.]

Actually, I disagree with you. I think that most issues can be solved without confrontation. Walking away from the situation, whenever possible, is usually the most tactful and classy way to handle oneself. If we repeatedly find ourselves in situations when confrontation is necessary (a person in emotional or physical stress or the potential of this) then we need to reevaluate our surroundings.

 

In other words, if someone at dance studio, neighborhood, a party, is unkind--we can walk away from the situation and use this as a teaching moment for our family. The same goes for crazy relatives. Or, we can reevaluate the situations we're placing ourselves in. (Yes, I've avoided uncomfortable situations in a neighborhood. It can be done.)

 

Really, if people are having confrontations with people more than once a year, we need to look at ourselves. I mean, really, what's the common denominator here?

 

I think some people have this idea that if they confront difficult people, these wayward people will see the light and change their behavior.

 

I've seen people confront waiters, parents, relatives, store employees, and it makes me cringe. It often makes the confronter look worse.

 

(Now feeling awkward, because I feel like I just confronted the OP...)

[Parrothead]

 

Really, if people are having confrontations with people more than once a year, we need to look at ourselves. I mean, really, what's the common denominator here?

 

 

I could tell you but I have to bite my tongue so as not to be confrontational, rude and bi---y.

 

:lol:

[Gooblink]

I think forums like this give us a safe place to vent. :)

 

There's really no excuse for being rude, ever. If you (universal 'you') can't think of a constructive way to address an issue, then it's better to walk away and think about it until you find one. I've responded rudely - many - times and always regret it, later.

 

Laying things out here, getting a variety of perpectives and solutions, is a great way to work out how (or if) you'll respond "next time."

[Mejane]

I could tell you but I have to bite my tongue so as not to be confrontational, rude and bi---y.

 

 

 

That's it. :D

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

Lisa, don't feel awkward. It was a somewhat foolish statement on my part if taken in the very general sense that I did in fact write it in, regardless of what I intended. The rebuke is warranted.

 

Also, I'm really sorry about the irony of this (my response to your confrontation in light of the context) ... Supposing I'm not the only one that notices it. :p So please forgive me when I say thank you for saying something.

[mommaduck]

I've been reading a lot of, "I really wanted to say xxxxxxx but managed to keep my mouth shut" or one of it's many variations and while one one hand I applaud the self contol the ladies on this forum apparently have I'm often wishing you didn't. In some cases i feel like speaking up would be a public service for the rest of us that feel your frustration also or at the very least it would make for more interesting down time reading. :D

 

 

Just my two cents. :tongue_smilie:

Not near as much as you think ;) Ask some of the older members of the board about the "Temporarily Banned Club" :D We've cut loose now and then.

[mommaduck]

I could tell you but I have to bite my tongue so as not to be confrontational, rude and bi---y.

 

:lol:

And yet, Parrothead has a lot of grace!

[Mommyfaithe]

I've been called worse than that. I need to start saying "Bless your heart!" more often. ;)

 

me too....My husband always says that my "Brooklyn is showing." :glare:

 

~~Faithe

[Mommyfaithe]

Really, if people are having confrontations with people more than once a year, we need to look at ourselves. I mean, really, what's the common denominator here?

 

I think some people have this idea that if they confront difficult people, these wayward people will see the light and change their behavior.

 

I've seen people confront waiters, parents, relatives, store employees, and it makes me cringe. It often makes the confronter look worse.

 

(Now feeling awkward, because I feel like I just confronted the OP...)

 

ahaha! I don't think biting my tongue and being confrontational are the only 2 choices. I am not rude either. BUT, I am also really good at ending a non-productive conversation quickly and succinctly, thus saving the confrontee and confrontor much aggravation. I just don't have a lot of time for nonsense, and not much patience for it either.

 

I do not argue. I say my piece, gently, calmly, clearly....only when I need to....otherwise, I just bless thier hearts. :auto:

 

Faithe

[Parrothead]

And yet, Parrothead has a lot of grace!

Oh, my goodness, I'm glad you think so. Thank you, hon.

 

 

 

 

(I just about spewed Dew when I read that. How's that for grace.) ;)

[Nakia]

I say my piece, gently, calmly, clearly....only when I need to....

 

Faithe

 

Me too...about 75% of the time. :lol: The rest of the time I lose my temper, say my piece, and add in some bad words. :tongue_smilie:

[mommaduck]

(I just about spewed Dew when I read that. How's that for grace.) ;)

:lol:

[hillfarm]

I recently turned 50. I decided that one of the gifts that I was giving to myself was the opportunity to speak up in truth more than I had previously. Sometimes you have to love people enough to tell them the truth, knowing full well that it will lead to hurt feelings and conflict, but hoping that it may shed some helpful light for someone, some day.

 

The result? Well...I have had two of my posts removed from this forum--that had never happened before. I have had people argue with me and call me names. However, I have to say that it has been very liberating to speak up. I realize that perception of truth can be subjective and I am well aware that I am relaying only my perspective, not God's Own Law on things.

 

I try to keep my comments to myself in cases where people don't ask for input (although IMO, posting to a public forum is pretty much asking for it), where I think the person is very fragile and unable to deal with opposing comments, or when I think other person is just too dense to get it (sorry, but that's how I feel sometimes--some people just can't follow logic or are unable to come to reasonable conclusions). I don't wish to be hurtful for the sake of it--I truly am trying to help. But sometimes the help we need may be a splash of cold reality in the face to jolt us out of our harmful delusions.

 

I expect that I am a grouch, a b***h, and deserving of varous other pejoratives. However, that doesn't mean that I am not correct. I am tired of tap dancing around. I want people to tell it to me straight and I have now given myself permission to respond in kind if I think it could be helpful. Life is too short to go around deluded.

[Mrs Mungo]

Well, I'm not one of the ladies with a lot of self control. At best I've been called bold. At worst rude.

 

I could tell you but I have to bite my tongue so as not to be confrontational, rude and bi---y.

 

:lol:

 

Ditto. Maybe I'm not one of those the OP is talking about, lol (do you all the gas station attendant who questioned my ability to teach my kids?).

 

However, there are many, many times I don't say anything because I KNOW it won't do any good. I'm all for confronting a situation when you can help, but not when it's not going to help. I can *usually* tell the difference.

 

I hate when I get caught thinking some super-passive-aggressive-type is reasonable and worth talking to and it comes back to haunt me.

[Mejane]

me too....My husband always says that my "Brooklyn is showing." :glare:

 

~~Faithe

 

Well, you know what they say - you can take the girl out of the city, but... ;)

 

jane (also a NYer)

[mmasmommy]

With random people I am fine with a nod and smile but with family and others who are continually in your life, enforcing boundaries is sometimes necessary. Over and above healthy boundaries, I have seen situations where a normally calm and polite relative goes into a huge tirade and it's enough to keep the crazies in the family quiet for years - totally worth it.;)

 

I did this. I am extremely quiet by nature. I despise confrontation and will avoid it at all costs however one Thanksgiving I had had enough of DH's Uncle tormenting my 3 year old about what she wouldn't eat and I let him have it right there at the dinner table surrounded by all of DH's family. By the end of the night he apologized to me for his behavior and everyone knew in no uncertain terms that you don't mess with my kids!

 

Confrontation for confrontations sake is pointless but there are times when we do need to speak up and create boundaries, defend ourselves or our children and not allow people to walk all over us.

[Audrey]

I've been called worse than that. I need to start saying "Bless your heart!" more often. ;)

 

Up here, no one seems familiar with the usage of that phrase, nor any of the other really useful and applicable phrases for politely calling someone an idiot.

 

I have a colleague who seems to love my Southern colloquialisms, though. I once heard her say of someone else in the office "Bless her heart" and I kind of laughed a little and said "you know what that means in Southern, right?" She said, "yes, you told me that once. I'm pretty sure I'm using it right." She was. The poor thing to which she was referring definitely qualified for a "bless her heart."

 

I don't hold back much. In a business situation, yes. I will remain professional. I might let loose later in the car, in private, but I'll remain professional. However, in personal, non-work situations, I say what I mean and I mean what I say. If you're a jerk, I will certainly do you the favour of letting you know, and if you ask my opinion, by gods watch out! Because you are going to get it. :lol:

Edited October 1, 2010 by Audrey

[Audrey]

me too....My husband always says that my "Brooklyn is showing." :glare:

 

~~Faithe

 

 

My husband says, "Please don't make her go all Southern on you."

[mommaduck]

Up here, no one seems familiar with the usage of that phrase, nor any of the other really useful and applicable phrases for politely calling someone an idiot.

 

I have a colleague who seems to love my Southern colloquialisms, though. I once heard her say of someone else in the office "Bless her heart" and I kind of laughed a little and said "you know what that means in Southern, right?" She said, "yes, you told me that once. I'm pretty sure I'm using it right." She was. The poor thing to which she was referring definitely qualified for a "bless her heart."

 

I don't hold back much. In a business situation, yes. I will remain professional. I might let loose later in the car, in private, but I'll remain professional. However, in personal, non-work situations, I say what I mean and I mean what I say. If you're a jerk, I will certainly do you the favour of letting you know, and if you ask my opinion, by gods watch out! Because you are going to get it. :lol:

"Bless your heart" is not ALWAYS used for "you're an idiot". It really depends on tone ;)

[Audrey]

"Bless your heart" is not ALWAYS used for "you're an idiot". It really depends on tone ;)

 

 

Oh, absolutely. Tone is everything, but it conveys so poorly on the internet.

[mommaduck]

Oh, absolutely. Tone is everything, but it conveys so poorly on the internet.

Yes, so I've found out.

[Jean in Newcastle]

As I've gotten older I've gotten mellower on the "small stuff" but more likely to hold my ground on things that would have just made me steam in the past. I've gotten better at using my words to express my emotions just as I've told my kids to do. I've found that it has been surprisingly effective to tell someone "I am very angry about this and this is why. . . ."

[Caraway]

 

I expect that I am a grouch, a b***h, and deserving of varous other pejoratives. However, that doesn't mean that I am not correct.

 

May I have that on a bumper sticker please?!

[GWOB]

Up here, no one seems familiar with the usage of that phrase, nor any of the other really useful and applicable phrases for politely calling someone an idiot.

 

I have a colleague who seems to love my Southern colloquialisms, though. I once heard her say of someone else in the office "Bless her heart" and I kind of laughed a little and said "you know what that means in Southern, right?" She said, "yes, you told me that once. I'm pretty sure I'm using it right." She was. The poor thing to which she was referring definitely qualified for a "bless her heart."

 

I don't hold back much. In a business situation, yes. I will remain professional. I might let loose later in the car, in private, but I'll remain professional. However, in personal, non-work situations, I say what I mean and I mean what I say. If you're a jerk, I will certainly do you the favour of letting you know, and if you ask my opinion, by gods watch out! Because you are going to get it. :lol:

 

I generally avoid direct confrontation, but if you ask my opinion, rest assured you are going to get my honest opinion. I am generally not an eloquent person, but man can I bring out those fancy words during a confrontation. And yes, I will go all Southern/Cajun on you if you need it. I'm an honest person. I don't have the time and energy to play games. Sometimes my honesty gets me in trouble, but oh well. At least I'm not lying.

 

Now, I will not seek out confrontation. It took me 30 years to realize Ihave no use for annoying/degrading/mean people. If you are one of those, I will just avoid you. I would prefer to avoid a scene, but if a scene needs to be made, well I'll step up. I like the term "cautiously ghetto."