Neighborhood Friendships-How to Handle

[goldberry]

My DD11 has several very close friendships, all of whom we are also close with the families. We are not a family who lets our DD go to anyone's house, or out with anyone, that we don't know very well. This means beyond a passing "Hi, I'm the mom" kind of thing.

 

We live in a rural area, so we have never had any kids "in the neighborhood". Recently a young girl moved in. She seems like a great girl, but obviously I don't know her or her parents. Her parents have introduced themselves, but they seem the "free range" type (girl is very independent) and have shown no interest in getting to know us beyond a hello.

 

To put it simply, I am ok having this girl over to our house to play (or "hang out" if they think they are too old to call it play!) but I am not ok with her going with this girl to her house without me there, or going places with her and her family without me there. They keep inviting my DD for these kind of things, and I keep making more and more awkward excuses. I think I am going to have to address this directly.

 

I know that some parents might be offended that I am ok with their DD coming here but not ok with my DD going there. How can I explain this in the best way possible?

[Gander]

I've had similar issues and I think we've all seen something like this from time to time.

 

I personally take social differences in stride and try to present it from both sides so it's clear I'm not judging anyone.

 

I think that their DD would already be wondering about the difference in lifestyle choices between your families. I assume when she is over you expect her to behave according to your rules? I would just be very frank that you do not want to impose your values on them, and you would have to impose your choices on them to leave your DD in their care at her impressionable young age.

 

Their daughter is welcome to come over any time but she's got to respect your rules and they have to understand that too. If they don't want their daughter to be exposed to your rules and lifestyle they can make that call. Fair is fair?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would just invite them over some weekend for a barbecue. Get to know them. Then depending on how you feel, you can let her accept some invitations.

[kalanamak]

I would just invite them over some weekend for a barbecue. Get to know them. Then depending on how you feel, you can let her accept some invitations.

:iagree:

 

I wouldn't warn them first. What if they fail? I'd have a hard time living near them if decided they flunked....I'd be mortified, and I don't mortify easily.

[goldberry]

Thanks for the advice, I'm feeling really awkward for some reason.

 

Is it really that unusual to want to get to know the family first?

[Sara in AZ]

A friend of mine was just in a similar situation. Her 4th grade dd has a friend she really likes from school and wanted to have a playdate. So my friend contacted the other girls mom (someone she had never met) about taking them both to a movie. The other mom said she and her husband had a policy about meeting the parents before allowing playdates. They invited my friend and her daughter over on a Saturday to get to know each other. It wasn't a big deal to my friend at all. I think as the other posters have said, you should just invite the whole family over for a welcome to the neighborhood barbecue and take it from there.

[QueenCat]

I would just invite them over some weekend for a barbecue. Get to know them. Then depending on how you feel, you can let her accept some invitations.

 

:iagree:Excellent suggestion.

[Hedgehog]

Is it really that unusual to want to get to know the family first?

 

Not at all. We've all done that in our cul-de-sac here.

 

Your child - your choice. :001_smile:

[Parrothead]

My DD11 has several very close friendships, all of whom we are also close with the families. We are not a family who lets our DD go to anyone's house, or out with anyone, that we don't know very well. This means beyond a passing "Hi, I'm the mom" kind of thing.

 

We live in a rural area, so we have never had any kids "in the neighborhood". Recently a young girl moved in. She seems like a great girl, but obviously I don't know her or her parents. Her parents have introduced themselves, but they seem the "free range" type (girl is very independent) and have shown no interest in getting to know us beyond a hello.

 

To put it simply, I am ok having this girl over to our house to play (or "hang out" if they think they are too old to call it play!) but I am not ok with her going with this girl to her house without me there, or going places with her and her family without me there. They keep inviting my DD for these kind of things, and I keep making more and more awkward excuses. I think I am going to have to address this directly.

 

I know that some parents might be offended that I am ok with their DD coming here but not ok with my DD going there. How can I explain this in the best way possible?

If you want to get to know these people, invite them to dinner. If you don't want to get to know them, tell them your dd is not allowed to play at their house.

 

You should be honest, not make excuses.

[simka2]

Disclaimer: I completely realize that it's hard to get a point across clearly on the forum, esp in the first post. So please take everything I write with a grain of salt ;) I really only mean the best, and I am probly missing something. I just wanted to through out a couple observations...

 

My DD11 has several very close friendships, all of whom we are also close with the families. We are not a family who lets our DD go to anyone's house, or out with anyone, that we don't know very well. This means beyond a passing "Hi, I'm the mom" kind of thing.

 

We live in a rural area, so we have never had any kids "in the neighborhood". Recently a young girl moved in. She seems like a great girl, but obviously I don't know her or her parents. Her parents have introduced themselves, but they seem the "free range" type (girl is very independent) and have shown no interest in getting to know us beyond a hello.

 

I'm not sure I understand, how have they not shown any interest? Have you shown interest in getting to know them?

 

To put it simply, I am ok having this girl over to our house to play (or "hang out" if they think they are too old to call it play!) but I am not ok with her going with this girl to her house without me there, or going places with her and her family without me there. They keep inviting my DD for these kind of things, and I keep making more and more awkward excuses. I think I am going to have to address this directly.

 

I know that some parents might be offended that I am ok with their DD coming here but not ok with my DD going there. It's not that I would be offended, but depending on your reasons...I might become just as wary of you :001_smile: Especially, if I feel like you aren't being genuine in response to our invitations. How can I explain this in the best way possible?

 

 

I loved the advice about having them over...truthfully more for your dd's sake than anything else. Imagine you are 11, you have friend new in the neighborhood, somewhat controlling (sorry I was lacking a better word) parents, and those parents aren't reaching out to the new family. If I was her I would feel trapped. My friends family is unacceptable at the moment, because they aren't playing by the rules...only they don't understand the rules. Does that make any sense?

Also, they are new...they might be going "Wow, what sort of place have we moved too? Guess, families aren't very sociable to newcommers. We should probly just keep to ourselves, but we will be nice and keep inviteing their dd.

 

"Is it really that unusual to want to get to know the family first?"

 

Again, it could really just be me...but I'm getting a vibe that you have already decided what sort of people these are...and that is where your feelings of akwardness have come from.

 

If I am wrong...I trully apologize!!! You may have invited them over already, there may very well me some other unmentioned reason for your feelings.

 

I guess I just don't understand what has given you your preceptions about them. I wonder if they are new, if they are being a bit more lax with their dd, because they really want her to develop friendships.

 

Again, if I'm off base I apologize.

[Margo out of lurking]

Is it really that unusual to want to get to know the family first?

 

I'm usually surprised at the freedoms many people give their children. Just because it may be "unusual" doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" with it. If anything happened, you would not have that second chance.

 

I would have been extremely cautious with sending my 11yodd out with anyone I didn't know well. Otoh, at 15, she's gone out of state on two different occasions overnight with a family we didn't know super well. But she's 15, that's hugely different than 11, and we know many people who do know the other family well.

 

I do NOT think you're being overprotective at all.

[goldberry]

"Is it really that unusual to want to get to know the family first?"

 

Again, it could really just be me...but I'm getting a vibe that you have already decided what sort of people these are...and that is where your feelings of akwardness have come from.

 

If I am wrong...I trully apologize!!! You may have invited them over already, there may very well me some other unmentioned reason for your feelings.

 

I guess I just don't understand what has given you your preceptions about them. I wonder if they are new, if they are being a bit more lax with their dd, because they really want her to develop friendships.

 

Again, if I'm off base I apologize.

 

I think my awkwardness comes from the fact that I was raised this same way, and as a kid I was embarassed by it and hated it. I always imagined the other families thinking badly about us, or thinking we were "snooty". That was from my child-perspective.

 

As a parent now, lo and behold, I have actually chosen the same path myself... One thing I am doing differently though, is explaining and discussing our reasoning with my DD, which is something my parents never did with me. She may still be embarassed or frustrated, but at least I try to communicate!

 

As an example of their behavior, my DD was out in the neighborhood and the girl was also out, the girl asked what would be a good time to come over. My DD told her "Sunday afternoon". I expected I might hear from her mom to confirm this or something (mom does have my phone number), but I didn't. I guess I just personally would never send my kid over to someones house without knowing for sure it was ok, not relying on communication between two kids. But Sunday afternoon, the mom and dad pull up to drop her off. I go outside and they just wave at me from the car and drive off. ??? I've only really met them in person one time at a homeowner picnic. We've never really had a conversation with them. So, it did seem a little odd to me that they wouldn't even get out to say hello. Not wrong or bad, but that is one of the things that gave me that impression about them.

[DianeW88]

As an example of their behavior, my DD was out in the neighborhood and the girl was also out, the girl asked what would be a good time to come over. My DD told her "Sunday afternoon". I expected I might hear from her mom to confirm this or something (mom does have my phone number), but I didn't.

 

Uh....why? They're 11. That's old enough to make a date to play with a friend without parental interference. My 9 yo does it all the time. As do his neighborhood friends. They just get on their bikes and ride to one another's houses, knock on the door and say, "Can you play?" Sometimes they'll call. When they do, they only talk to my child and vice versa.

 

Saying this nicely, but I'm afraid you might be a little too uptight about all this. How much do you want this friendship to continue? Because if I were the other parents, and you kept refusing my invitations, I'd quit asking your dd over and encourage my dd to make other friends who weren't so difficult. I also don't think you really need to be friends with the parents of your child's friend. Most adults already have a lot on their plates, and honestly, asking for anything more than a passing greeting to my child's friend's parents, is more than I have time for (unless we are already friends). It's not that big a deal. Especially at 11 years of age. I'd let her go over to their house.

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years (ds-20, dd-17, ds-9)

[Jean in Newcastle]

If you are afraid of molestation or something akin to that, then make the rule that the girls only play outside. All our neighborhood kids play outside - even when it gets cold out.

[Rebecca VA]

The girls in our neighborhood (there are about six in our immediate vicinity) knock on each other's door or just meet up in the cul-de-sac. It's very casual. I haven't even met one of the moms, but I know she must be wonderful because she has the most polite, studious, well-cared-for daughters of the bunch (though all the girls are very, very nice). The girls are quite capable of making their own plans -- I just welcome them in and offer them snacks and a place to hang out.

 

In contrast, there is a homeschooling family two doors down from us with a daughter one year older than mine. The girls met a few years ago and tried to start up a friendship (I even went to their house for a short visit at the girl's request), but the mom was very discouraging. She wouldn't allow her daughter to come over here and never asked mine over. It's pretty sad -- that girl has never become part of the fun, friendly neighborhood group of girls. She simply stays inside the house and goes places with her parents.

[goldberry]

Uh....why? They're 11. That's old enough to make a date to play with a friend without parental interference. My 9 yo does it all the time. As do his neighborhood friends. They just get on their bikes and ride to one another's houses, knock on the door and say, "Can you play?" Sometimes they'll call. When they do, they only talk to my child and vice versa.

 

Saying this nicely, but I'm afraid you might be a little too uptight about all this. How much do you want this friendship to continue? Because if I were the other parents, and you kept refusing my invitations, I'd quit asking your dd over and encourage my dd to make other friends who weren't so difficult. I also don't think you really need to be friends with the parents of your child's friend. Most adults already have a lot on their plates, and honestly, asking for anything more than a passing greeting to my child's friend's parents, is more than I have time for (unless we are already friends). It's not that big a deal. Especially at 11 years of age. I'd let her go over to their house.

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years (ds-20, dd-17, ds-9)

 

I do hear what you're saying. I should explain that I have been saying "neighborhood" to simplify, we live in a rural area where the lots are anywhere from 1-5 acres. This family's house is about 3/4 a mile away. So it's not so much like in a typical subdivision neighborhood where you could look outside and maybe see or hear where the kids are.

 

I don't feel I have to be friends with all parents, unless she will be with them without me present or without more supervision (Such as when she was in PS and the friends she had at school, obviously I don't really know them or their parents. But she wasn't going to their house unsupervised.) Even then I don't necessarily expect a "friendship" with the parents, but at least being around them enough to feel like I know them somewhat.

 

Molestation is pretty low on the list of worries, honestly worry more about not knowing the value system in the home and what might be going on there that she will be exposed to.

 

I just think 11 is still pretty impressionable, and DD in particular has not shown the best judgment or maturity in situations that she has been exposed to. Obviously when she is older she will be making her own choices about association, and we are working with her on how to show maturity and good judgment. At this point, I still have alot to do with who she associates with and what parameters are there.

[nono]

I don't see anything wrong with your rule of knowing the parents first, but I don't understand why you aren't doing anything to make that happen.

 

So, in the instance of the parents dropping the girl off, did they also pick her up? Did you go out to their car and invite them into your home for a few minutes? Or at least go to the car and chat them up? Have you considered inviting them over for a barbeque as suggested? Or have you thought of something you can invite the Mom and daughter to do with you and your daughter?

 

If you can do any one of those above, I think it would be wonderful. Also, as a suggestion to bridge the wall of excuses, how about "I'm sorry we've not been so available for the girls' friendship to develop. Trying to make that up now..." And then, it is likely they'll reciprocate and perhaps you can get a feel for how they live.

 

Good luck! That's a tricky age!